Same Sex Dancing at SSQQ Written by Rick Archer First Written: March 2002 Last update:  August 2007   The Same Sex Dancing Rule: At SSQQ, Same Sex Dancing is not permitted unless an SSQQ Instructor is involved or permission to do so is expressly granted in writing by SSQQ Administration.

FORWARD: LETTER TO EDITOR:
Thursday, March 21, 2002 4:40 PM

O.K. maybe this is addressed somewhere in the web site and I did not see it but no matter what I would like to find out ... one of my friends is wanting to take some dance classes and asked me about it since I have taken some classes at your studio ... I know she will not need a partner and I understand the switching partner rule ... but she wants to learn to lead as that is how she will normally dance.  Will or does this cause a problem at SSQQ?

I assume that your female teachers had to learn to lead at one time in order to teach the guys how to lead.

She is interested in Tango and Salsa/Mambo. If she can't find a group class then I guess we will look at private lessons.  Thanks, MG


REPLY:
Friday, March 22, 2002 1:18 PM

Same Sex Dancing is not permitted in group classes or practice night/parties.  Your best bet is private lessons. I have several instructors who will be happy to help her.

Rick Archer

The Reasons Behind the SSQQ Policy on Same Sex Dancing

On Wednesday, March 20, 2002, I received a phone call from a man who identified himself as Henry. He asked several questions about country-western dancing. He said he was recently single again. Henry went on to ask if he needed a partner. I explained carefully that he did not and that we rotated partners. Henry became silent. Although I am notoriously impatient on the phone, for some reason I was quiet as I waited for his next question. I guess I sensed a curve ball. Sure enough, it was a zinger.

"Do I have to dance with any men?"

I told him this was unlikely. I explained to Henry that he might have to dance with a male teacher as part of the rotation, but he would definitely not have to dance with the other men in the class. 

Henry said, "Good. See you next month." 

The story above about Henry is not made up. I offered it to begin the discussion. 

The main reason we don't permit Same Sex Dancing at the studio is that most people object to it. The existing social norm in Houston Texas 2002 is that Boys dance with Girls. The vast majority of the studio's clientele supports this position.  Although many people don't mind Same Sex Dancing, the majority of the people do. 

I know this for a fact. For starters, when I dance with men in my classes, I am the one who sees the frowns. In February 2002, I had a man openly refuse to dance with me in Western Swing. Surprised, I let him pass me by for the remainder of the hour. Then I thought about it. At Break I went up and said he would have to dance with me in the second hour or leave. 

He asked why. I said the other men in the class didn't enjoy dancing with me either, but did it anyway. It wasn't fair to allow him to avoid me. Reluctantly he danced with me in the second hour, then never returned to my class again. 

Even if someone doesn't mind - as many women don't - the ones who do mind often object strenuously. Even if 9 out of 10 people could care less about same sex dancing in class, the tenth person might be someone who definitely does not want to with someone of his or her own sex. After years of grappling with the same sex issue, we decided on this policy:

Same Sex Dancing is not permitted unless an instructor or official volunteer is involved.

The instructor has the authority to authorize an assistant or volunteer to dance same sex if it helps correct the lead to follow ratio of the class. 

In some unusual situations, e.g. Zydeco class, the instructor may even ask some of the students to dance lead.  However, if the instructor asks a student not to dance with someone of the same sex in a Group Class, then we expect the student to honor the request or leave the class.

Women are definitely more open-minded about dancing with other women. Why I am not sure, but it doesn't seem to bother them nearly as much as it does men. Nevertheless I have received complaints from women too. 

In 1999, we received a determined request from a woman who wished to take an Advanced Swing dance class as a 'Lead'. She said she would pay the man's price. She wanted to learn to teach. I know her request was strictly about dancing because I knew her boyfriend.

Nevertheless we turned her down. I did not feel it was fair to make the women in the class dance with this student unless there was a compelling reason. This woman did not take 'no' for an answer. She said the right thing to do was to ask the students themselves the first day of class.

I was reluctant to make the students decide in front of other classmates whether they want to same sex dance or not. Here 'peer pressure' would come into play. What if the least assertive person in the room was also someone who objected, but was too afraid to speak up publicly? 

I just don't think it is fair to put any student on the spot about an issue this sensitive.   

(PS - You are welcome to read the entire story of that controversy.  I have included it at the bottom of the page)

Yes, Same Sex Dancing is definitely a sensitive issue. For that matter, SSQQ is guilty of occasional hypocrisy on this issue. For several years women students have consistently danced with other women students in our Zydeco Classes.  The problem is that for some reason women sign up for Zydeco in a ratio of 3 women to every man. Balancing the class is nearly impossible when you have 10 or 12 more women than men. The instructor has little choice but to ask for women to volunteer to take turns leading. 

For example, in early 2001 Anita Williams had 10 women and 2 men in Zydeco. Several of the women alternated between the boy and the girl’s part. What else was Anita supposed to do ??? 

Now if one Zydeco woman had said no and wanted her money back, we would have given it to her without hesitation. But since the group understood the problem, it was cool.  I have never fielded a complaint about this class. Women just don't seem to care as much as men do. 

ECONOMICS AND SEXUAL ORIENTATION
Written by Rick Archer.
Last update: August 2007

Anyone who is gay is welcome at our studio as long as the men dance with the women and vice versa. I apologize to any gay person if this policy feels offensive to them or seems close-minded.  

I am heterosexual, have been married to three women and have a child.  In other words, I am straight.  Completely.

That said, I am at ease with people who are gay.  I personally have no moral objections to women dancing with women or men dancing with men. 

I have spent considerable time in the company of gays.  For starters, I would like to say my first dance instructor in 1974 was gay.  In 1974, my best friend was gay.  Furthermore, needing to practice what I learned in class, at my friend's suggestion, I actually learned to dance in a gay bar (read story). 

In addition, the man who taught me how to partner dance was more than likely gay.  I have tremendous respect for this gentleman as well as gratitude.  Today, not only do I have students who I believe are gay, I have instructors and volunteers on my staff who I believe are gay as well.  Nor am I afraid to dance with a man.  I dance with men in dance class whenever the situation calls for it.  And you know what?  I couldn't care less.  

However, I doubt most of my dance students are as open-minded on this issue as I am.  I have so much on my plate, I do not feel any desire to become a champion of gay rights at this time. 

I just want to stay in business.  So I have worked out a simple compromise:

People who are gay are welcome at SSQQ... on one condition: Men dance with Women and vice versa, but Same Sex Dancing is prohibited.

My decision is completely economic.

When I first made this rule in 2002, I strongly believed 2002 Houston Texas supported a heterosexual lifestyle.  Now in 2007 as I revisit this issue, nothing has happened to make me feel any different.

I am not willing to risk going out of business simply because gay women or gay men wish to dance openly with their same sex in group dance classes at my studio.  When it comes to group dynamics, I prefer to honor the wish of the majority of my customers:  Same Sex Dancing is taboo.  2007 Houston Texas prefers that boys dance with girls.  

My guess if put to a vote SSQQ would vote 90-10 to support things exactly the way they are. 

Since the vast majority of our students are straight, it is a no-brainer to make the boys dance with girls our status quo policy. Therefore we have a very strong “When in Rome, do as the Romans do” policy.

We didn't come to this decision willy-nilly.  Indeed over the years we have had several confrontations regarding this issue.  We have had headaches in the past from students wanting their money back because they didn’t want to dance with someone of their own sex or were uncomfortable watching others do it.  

In 1996 an accomplished Whip dancer requested permission to dance with his lover at Practice Night.  He asked so nicely that I hated turning him down.  But I did.

In 1998 a lady I barely knew decided one the spot to become a “volunteer dancing the boy’s part” in a beginning Twostep class.  Her aggressive correction of two young ladies led them to believe she was “coming on to them”.  A refund was issued at a cost to us of $70.  As it turned out, I soon discovered the two women were correct.  This woman was ex-army and pretty brash about making her sexual preference known.

In 1999 it was a Swing girl who adamantly insisted that she be permitted to dance as a boy in Swing class.

I did not make this stuff up; I don’t need to.  Until I finally decided to write about it in 2002, this issue generally came up once or twice a year, but it was never the same thing and I never knew when to expect it.   However, it only took a few Refunds to help me make up my mind.

Based on the objections of our heterosexual customers, we had to set up a ground rule – Boys dance the Boy’s part. Girls dance the Girl’s part. Only Instructors have permission to dance same-sex.

Furthermore I have found every time you bend the rule for someone, then someone else gets angry.  If you break the rule for anyone, then you are forced to permit everyone the same privilege.  

Here is a perfect example.  As you may or may not know, our studio's most controversial policy is that everyone switch partners.

I once had a man in dance who had lost his left hand in an industrial accident.  Now he had a huge metal hook in its place. He and his wife asked to be allowed to dance together in a Swing class and not switch. I danced with him and found out quickly he had no way of leading with that hook.  Furthermore, as I personally danced with him to test the hook, I realized how easily a woman's hand could get badly twisted in that hook by accident.  I decided it was out of the question to expect this gentleman to lead using a HOOK.

There was no way I was going to let this guy switch partners - it wasn't safe!  But there wasn't any reason to send him home either.

I had an idea.  The man had a perfectly good right hand.  Why not trade roles in Swing Dance?  I suggested he learn to 'follow' and let his wife lead.  They were close in height.  Why not?  They smiled and thought it was worth a try.

Adapting as best they could to his handicap, his wife did the boy’s part (using her left hand) and he did the girl’s part using his good right hand.  It worked like a charm!!   I smiled to myself.  I had made the right decision to let them not switch partners.  Plus my suggestion was uniquely correct.

However, my smile was short-lived.  I had made a mistake.  I did not explain this unusual circumstance to the class.  In fact, as he danced in the corner with his wife, most people didn't even realize he was handicapped.  Watching this couple dance to the side by themselves, ten minutes into the class I had three couples who refused to switch. They said if that couple didn’t have to switch, then why should they??  

Wouldn’t you know it - Damned if you do, Damned if you don't.

At that point I had no choice but to explain the “Hook” problem – embarrassing the poor man, his wife and myself thoroughly in the process.  I said if any of the couples had a reason as compelling as the “Hook” couple to justify not switching, I would listen to it.  

They backed down, but they resented the confrontation. They were embarrassed too.  They had no idea the man was crippled and felt guilty.  One couple left immediately and demanded a refund.  The other couples frowned for the rest of the class.  Their mood affected everyone else.  Attendance the following week was just half of what it was the opening night. 

That is how I learned that even if I win the argument, I lose the war. The smart thing is to draw the line ahead of time. In retrospect what I should have done was explained the exception to the class ahead of time so everyone understood what the story was.  In my defense I didn’t anticipate the reaction of the 3 couples in the first place. There really is something to be said for being in business 20 years. You do learn a thing or two. 

Obviously we wish to be flexible, but where do you draw the line?  Another time we let partially blind men take a class.  I literally had to assign an instructor to dance with them nearly full-time because they could not see well enough to follow the instructor.  They held up the entire class and ultimately didn't learn a thing.  Another time a schizophrenic man signed up for a class.  I cannot begin to tell you how creeped out the women were. 

The social work side of me feels for each and every person, but my experience has taught me that GROUP CLASSES do not lend themselves to EXCEPTIONS.  Every time we make exceptions, we get burned.  

And Same Sex Dancing is just as controversial with some students as dancing with a blind man, a man with a hook, or a schizophrenic.  Sorry, but it's true.


SOMETIMES IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH SEXUAL PREFERENCE

I totally agree that Same Sex Dancing isn't all that horrible.  In dances like Swing, for example, you aren't dancing that close anyway.  Nor is Swing a particularly 'sexy' dance.  Swing is just pure fun. 

And the tradition of girls dancing with girls goes way back.  I remember in high school, girls would swing dance with each other all the time at our parties.  The girls didn't have any choice.  Girls love to dance.  The Supremes would come on, the girls would look at the boys and the boys would shake their heads 'no way'.  The boys were terrified of learning the hard way and looking foolish.  Not only were they terrified of the girls laughing at them, they were afraid of the other guys making fun of them for being so clumsy.  I know this for a fact.   I secretly wanted to get out there and try so bad it hurt.  I would have loved to danced with those girls, but the fear of looking stupid held me back.  I think I speak for lots of guys on this phenomenon.  Embarrassment during the teen years was near fatal for some of us boys...

So, faced with the reluctance of the boys to participate, girls would dance with each other all the time.  They would laugh and carry on and have a great time while the boys would sulk and feel sorry for themselves.

Naturally once they grow up, some adult women still enjoy dancing with each other.  

For example, at the Frankie Manning-style Swing Camps, apparently girls dance with girls all the time. My ex-wife Judy reported that back in 1996 & 1997 she danced “Lead” at these camps all the time.  She danced 'Lead' so she could become a better teacher.  Due to the boy-girl imbalance at the workshops, no one minded a bit.  Furthermore, Judy said the vast majority of women actually look forward to dancing with her because she “led” so well.  Everyone knew it had absolutely nothing to do with 'sexual preference'.

Perhaps it was this environment during the Swing Era of the late Nineties that contributed to a huge misunderstanding at our studio.  Back in 1999, a woman named Joye P insisted on dancing the lead in one of the SSQQ Swing Classes.  Unfortunately she didn't bother clearing it with anyone in advance.  Then she complicated the problem by arguing with us IN FRONT OF THE OTHER STUDENTS to demand we respect her rights.  My guess is Ms. P had been to Swing Camps just like Judy had and was used to seeing girls dance with girls all the time.  In fact, it was so common in those days, she may not have even thought it would be an issue.

I suppose we need to look at each situation as it comes up. In retrospect, maybe we should have let Ms. P do a tryout, then if she passed we could have explained to the women in the class they had the option of dancing or not dancing with her.  That probably would have worked, but her mistake was not asking permission.  Had she bothered to clear it with us ahead of time, perhaps we could have made her a volunteer.

For example, here is the "Right Way" to approach the subject:

-----Original Message-----
From: A R
Sent: Tuesday, August 07, 2007 12:34 PM
To: Rick Archer
Subject: volunteer stuff, etc.

Hello Rick,

I hope you are having a nice day.

I've done some volunteering for Linda in Salsa and I am currently doing it with Maureen in East Coast and Scott in Ghost town. Some day I would like to be good enough to teach a class or classes (since my ability to work full time is limited). I was wondering if that's an option, how one goes about it, can I take a class as a lead, etc?
 

-----Original Message-----
From: Rick Archer
Sent: Friday, August 17, 2007 12:59 PM
To: A R
Subject: RE: volunteer stuff, etc.

There is no chance you would be allowed to dance lead in a group class that has more men than women. It does not make the customers very happy to see an attractive woman dancing "Lead" when there are not enough "Follows" to begin with.

However, I have no objection to you dancing lead in any class where you are an official volunteer AND the instructor explains to the class who you are and why you are dancing lead.  If you recall, several weeks ago I had ten more women than men in a Beginning Ballroom class.  When you walked by and offered to help, I immediately put you to work dancing Cha Cha as a "Lead".
 

SOMETIMES IT HAS EVERYTHING TO DO WITH SEXUAL PREFERENCE

In March 2001 we had two women sign up for a Slow Dance course as a couple. They fully intended to dance close with one another. When we denied them permission to dance together in class, they raised quite a fuss. The instructor even offered to arrange a private lesson for them “on the house”, but that didn't appease them. They said that since it was advertised we didn’t switch partners in that particular class, what difference did it make??? 

This was a perfect example of a "No Win" situation. 

As far as I was concerned, it made no difference to me.  Let's say that I made an exception.  These two women were now allowed to Slow Dance together.

So there they are, two openly gay women in a room with in a room with 19 heterosexual couples.  Now Houston Texas is getting more open-minded all the time, so I suppose some of those couples would not have raised an eyebrow.

But what if one, two, or three couples decided it violated their moral or religious principles?  What if one of those couples had come up to me and said, "We were looking forward to a romantic night spent in each other's arms, but when we looked up and saw those two women holding each other cheek to cheek, we just wanted to leave."

What if they decided this behavior was so offensive they didn't want to continue.  What if they asked for their money back?  

I would have been forced to give it to them.  Ouch.

I don't agree with that attitude, but I do agree that SOME PEOPLE IN HOUSTON HAVE THAT ATTITUDE. 

Since the Straight Community put me in business, I prefer to respect the wishes of the Silent Majority.

That said, if these two gay women had brought along two gay men... and the men had spent the night dancing with the women... then I would not have said a word.  Gay people are welcome at my dance studio... as long as they dance men lead and ladies follow.  That's my rule.

It is certainly a complicated world, isn’t it?

But let's face it: we are not talking about a serious moral issue.  This is NOT 1965 Selma Alabama where people were murdered and beaten for standing up for what is right.  This is not Martin Luther King being assassinated for standing up for what is right.

This is 2007 Houston Texas.  No one is being oppressed or discriminated against.  There are plenty of gay bars in this city for people to dance.  Nor are gays asked to avoid my studio.  How many times do I have to say that people who are gay are more than welcome to dance at my studio?   

Yes, some people might feel 'inconvenienced' or disrespected, but nobody is in any real pain on this issue. 


CONCLUSION

I remember laughing my head off at a 2007 movie called Hairspray.  The movie touched on racial intolerance and how the bigotry affected a teen dance show in the Sixties.  The movie made its point so beautifully that I openly wondered if another 'Hairspray' involving Same Sex Dancing might not accomplish the same effect - make people realize how silly the issue is.

I do not prohibit Same Sex Dancing because I think it is morally wrong.  I do it because I do not feel my dance studio is ready to face this issue.  The time has not yet come.  I know for a fact that there are still many men who are disgusted at the thought of having another man dance in their arms or having to watch others do it.  For example, I can see the disgust in their eyes when I force men to dance with me in dance class.  That is how I know this distaste for Same Sex Dancing remains a social reality.   When I see that no men care any more when I make them dance with me and when the social climate on this issue warms up, then I promise to revisit my current decision.

In the meantime, if you want to do something about it, do Society a favor and go write the script for Gay Spray.  If you can make people laugh and teach them not to feel threatened, then you will see those phobic fences melt in a hurry.

As for the present, I am not a bigot and I am not hard-hearted either.  But do you really expect me to risk economic suicide by standing up for an issue that has no victims and no real suffering?

Rick Archer
August 2007
dance@ssqq.com