SSQQ is given credit for originating the Sleazy Bar Whip Party.
Since its inception in the late 80's, not only is it a yearly fixture here at the studio,
but other Whip clubs in Houston and Dallas have gone on to host Sleazy Bar Parties of
their own. Despite SSQQ's headstart in this important area, I have been told the other
parties are actually far Sleazier than SSQQ's. Well, there is actually a reason for that.
In year two of the Sleazy Bar Party I was involved in an incredibly
embarrassing experience involving the Bellaire Police. Here is a true story from the
annals of the SSQQ Sleazy Bar Whip Party !
The Sleazy Bar Whip Party was the brainchild of Sharon Crawford and
yours truly. You see, the cosmic joke is that nowadays the women who want to learn the
Whip are extremely bright, well-educated professional ladies, Yuppies if you wish. Yet
back in the old days, the Whip was this really nasty dance that a different sort of woman
would use to arouse a man for whatever reason, professional or extracurricular. The ironic
joke is Bad Girls did not require training in how to stick out their hips; it was a
life-style prerequisite. They needed no practice assuming the "Left Hip Spanking
Position". But in the modern era now all the Good Girls want to dance the Whip too,
but needed help learning how to stick out their backside. As we are fond of teasing, the
problem is mostly "psychological".
SSQQ used to go Whip dancing in the mid to late 1980's at this dive
called "The Four Palms" off Telephone Road. Long ago Telephone Road was
infamous for its various houses of ill repute. My first cursory look at the area didn't
suggest its past was really past. This was definitely still the Blue Side of Town. The
Four Palms is now out of business, but in its heyday it was your typical dive : smoky,
crowded, and full of low-lifes. At first glance you thought you stumbled in the Houston
Zoo Reptile House by accident.
The Four Palms was known as a "Pressure Cooker Bar", a
phrase for a joint where bored and restless women would go looking for some action during
the day. The term "Pressure Cooker" meant that while her family's evening meal
was slowing cooking at home, Momma would do some sizzling on the side.
The attraction for Sharon and me was a fabulous band called
"The Soul Brothers" that played wonderful rhythm and blues Whip music every
Sunday night. Gosh, I loved to Whip at the Four Palms ! Nevertheless, many
SSQQ visitors would wonder what they were getting themselves into when they walked up and
saw the sign, "Check your guns and knives at the door". If you had never been
there before, this sign definitely made you think twice before entering. Some ladies
actually said they turned around and left. They undoubtedly had trouble with their hip
So about 10 years ago when we started having our Whip Parties I was
also 10 years younger. And I was about 20 years more open-minded... having children
accelerates the onset of modesty ! At any rate, when it was time for the second
annual Sleazy Bar Party, I actually thought about looking, well, sleazy. Imagine
For our second Annual Party, I decided to lose my inhibitions. I
wore tight black pants, a leather jacket, and no shirt. There may have been a gold chain
around my neck. I lost the glasses. I greased back the hair. There may have been a tattoo.
I was one tough-lookin' dude, someone Mr T or Dennis Rodman might want to hang out
About halfway through the party I am dripping wet. Those leather
jackets may look good, but... well, it was a chilly spring night outside, so I
opened the emergency exit to pull in some extra cool air. Fifteen minutes later two of the
biggest, meanest-looking Bellaire Policemen walk into Room 2.
One crosses his arms, the other puts his hands on his hips about an
inch from his holster. They stop to survey the scene. They are frowning Big Time !
And damn do they look unhappy about something. 'What in the world is going on here ?', I
think to myself. Then it dawns on me that we all look dangerous !
Then the fear response kicks in. I am absolutely freaking out
! By then I have turned so pale you could have rented me out as an extra in a Casper
the Ghost flick.
My mind does the mental Indy 500... 'Why are the Police here ?'
I think this thought again and again. There can only be one reason the police are
here... this has to be a Bust ! Nothing else made any sense.
The police saw what sort of people are coming into my business and
decided to raid us. This had to be a narcotics crackdown. What else could it be ? I
cannot describe how sick in my stomach I felt. Naturally I wanted to do my best cockroach
impression and slink off to a corner... I wondered briefly what the Fugitive would have
done in this situation.
"Who runs this place ?"
The police have spoken. A complete hush comes over the crowd. The only noise is
"Mustang Sally" playing in the background. No one is dancing.
Suddenly 200 eyeballs and 100 fingers simultaneously point in
my direction ! Spotlight on Rick Archer attempting to become the Fugitive.
So much for my David Jansen impersonation. There is nowhere to hide.
Nope, None of that "I am Spartacus" crap where all the
slaves step up to protect Spartacus from Roman Cruelty. Yup, every one of my loyal
students gave me up on the spot without a moment's hesitation. All humor aside,
basically everyone in the studio was just as confused and frightened as I was.
I figured I was going to jail, but a little inner voice kept saying
a brief scan of all my recent personal and professional activities revealed nothing
particularly illegal, immoral, or depraved. The little voice suggested I might try acting
Respectable. It occurred to me it would be a lot easier to act Respectable if I looked
Respectable. I wondered how I might covertly zip up my leather jacket with 200 eyes
watching no one but me. Would anyone notice ? Probably. So feeling ridiculous in my
no-shirt biker outfit, I walked over to these incredibly stern-looking men. Everyone stood
still and watched. SSQQ High Noon was here.
"Hello, Officers, I am Rick Archer. How may I help you ?"
The two men just stood there gawking at me ! They were
clearly sizing me up. Quite frankly, I do not know if words can adequately describe how
worried I was. Finally, one officer looked at the other, then looked back at me.
"Mr Archer, we have a report of a gunshot in the area. Are
there any firearms on the premises ? Have you had a shooting inside or outside your
establishment ? Have you heard or did you witness the discharge of a weapon
Astonishment slowly replaced my terror. Maybe I was going to
survive this. As I explained to the police a little bit about my party, they in turn
explained to me more about the gunshot report. They said it was not a confirmed report,
but serious enough to warrant an investigation. As the two policemen patroled around the
neighborhood, they heard the music coming out of my open back door. Since there was a
possibility the shot had come from from my business, it was their job to check it out.
Things started to make a little sense. Gunshots are serious
business. Plus these two men had never expected to walk in on the frenzied partying
of one of the biggest biker gangs in the history of Bellaire ! When they walked into Room
2, they were as shocked to see us as we were to see them !
Apparently, with 100 hombres and biker chicks, for a second there,
SSQQ actually looked tough !
I explained what was "Really" going on here. Maybe it was
then they realized that every tattoo in the place was fake, but now the two men began to
relax during our conversation. They actually uncrossed their arms and moved their hands
away from their guns. They mentioned with a smile they had been more than slightly taken
aback when they first entered our building. Hmmm, that makes three of us.
Now that the tension was released, they actually started to laugh.
Now that the pressure was off, I suppose our appearance was a bit humorous. I wasn't quite
ready to laugh however. It was about this point that Sharon decided she wasn't going to
get shot after all. Seeing the coast was clear, like any good hostess Sharon came over and
asked if she could get them a soft drink or a beer. "No, thank you, Ma'am, we are
still on duty". Geez, Sharon ! The last thing I wanted them to do was stay !
They say All's well that End's well, but speaking for me I will
never let myself get caught that off-guard again. For everyone else, The Party is fabulous
fun, but I can honestly say that night ended my Sleazy Days for eternity.