APRIL 2002 APRIL SCHEDULE OF SSQQ DANCE CLASSES.  Classes begin the week of Sunday, March 31.  Yes, we are well aware that classes start on Easter Sunday, but we have discovered from experience that most people's Easter activities are over with by the afternoon. Hence we have always had good attendance even on this important day. If you have to miss as always you can either try to find a parallel class on another day during the week or simply start in Week 2. HIGHLIGHTS OF THE APRIL SCHEDULE ADVANCED LINDY HOP is a last-minute addition to the April schedule. Gloria Sanchez has a class which enjoys learning Lindy so much they made a concerted effort to see if they could get another level offered. A petition signed by 17 people definitely got our attention. Join Gloria & her mighty horde for this special course Sundays at 4:30! On Sunday evenings at 7 pm Judy Archer teaches INTERMEDIATE WESTERN CHA CHA, a very popular course which shows you how to dance Cha Cha to romantic Western Polka music. Cha Cha is easy to learn and super fun to dance and flirt with! A man once told me the 3 best classes he ever took at SSQQ were Twostep, Swing, and SLOW DANCE AND ROMANCE. This course returns in April on Mondays. Not only does Slow Dance prepare you to dance at weddings, but this Lost Art of Formal Dance can be used in dark piano bars to jazz music, Spring nights at outdoor music concerts, on a cruise to Sinatra music, or even at the Longhorn during their slow set. You never know when the ability to slow dance well will come in mighty handy! DEATH VALLEY LEVEL 4 moves to Wednesdays for one month only. Sharon Crawford, the cosmic dance teacher who actually invented most of the patterns and has the scars to prove it, will teach the meanest, toughest, rock'em sock'em hot dg Western Swing moves you will ever want to see. Don't miss this class! Thursdays brings you Judy Archer's CHA-CHA FOR LATIN DANCERS ONLY class. Although you don't need to know any Cha Cha in advance, be forewarned the pace of this class is quick. You need to have finished Beg Salsa as a Pre-requisite. Some Salsa music may be not work to Mambo or Merengue, but is perfect for Cha-Cha. This is your chance to learn it! NIGHT CLUB TWOSTEP returns to Fridays with the woman who got the entire studio dancing Night Club in the first place, Susie Merrill. Every C&W album has two or three romantic slow songs on it. Night Club Twostep is the dance that fits these ballads perfectly. The reaction here at SSQQ has been very favorable to this new dance. After class on Fridays, stay for our Western Practice night afterwards where we will have a room dedicated to this music exclusively! On Saturdays in April, Judy Archer will TEACH ADVANCED SALSA MAMBO LEVEL 2 at 4:30 pm. This is the first time Advanced Salsa has been offered on Saturdays in several years. This is a late addition to the schedule, so be sure to take advantage of this special class! SSQQ DANCE PARTIES IN APRIL BROKE AND PENNILESS SWING PARTY -  Wear a Rag and Dance the Shag! Saturday, April 13, 9:15 pm http://www.ssqq.com/ssqq/party07.htm CRASH COURSES 7-9 PM SALSA DIPS AND LUNGES! - Judy BEGINNING LINDY HOP - Maureen  AGGIE JITTERBUG - Rachel ARGENTINE TANGO - Don BRYAN'S FAVORITE SWING PTNS - Bryan Broke and Penniless Music:  Swing/Ballroom Music Room 1, Latin/Tango in Room 4 THE ANNUAL SLEAZY BAR WHIP PARTY - Wear Red and Black and Watch Your Back. Check your Guns and Knives at the Door; Leave your Morals at Home... Saturday, April 27, 9:15 pm  http://www.ssqq.com/ssqq/party08.htm CRASH COURSES 7-9 PM BEG C&W: TEXAS TWOSTEP - Kathleen INT TWOSTEP: CIRCLE TURNS - Ann GARY'S FAV SLEAZY GHOST TOWN PTNS - Gary BEG WEST COAST SWING - Anita EAZY SLEAZY WHIP MOVES - Rick THE DISGUSTING SLEAZY BAR WHIP WORKSHOP - Ben (couples only) Sleazy Bar Whip Music in Room 1 Western Music in Room 4 plus requests Tales of the Sleazy Bar Party!! Have you ever heard the story about the origin of the Sleazy Bar Whip Party? You would be fascinated to discover in the second year of our party we were nearly busted by the Bellaire Police who entered the building under the impression gunshots had been fired at our party.  Suddenly they thought they had stumbled on the biggest Biker Gang in Bellaire history. One policeman even had his hand on his holster as he grimly surveyed the scene. Do you think I am kidding? I am not kidding. It is a bizarre and very interesting true story!!  Read the History of the SSQQ Sleazy Bar Whip Party.  http://ssqq.com/information/whpsleaz.htm .. ADULT JAZZ CLASS COMING TO SSQQ ON WEDNESDAYS AT 6 PM Crista Reuss has decided to offer an Adult Jazz Class at SSQQ.  Crista has taught my daughter Samantha jazz, tap, and ballet for 6 years, so I have a pretty good idea about the quality of her teaching - she is excellent. Besides teaching children's dance classes, Crista also coordinates her own adult dance company titled Park Street Dance.  Crista's class will be held on Wednesdays .....6:00-6:45 PM......tuition $60.00 for the 6 week session to being April 10 thru May 15th.....they will break to get through May and the holiday weekend and pick back up June 5th for another session of 6 weeks. Besides learning jazz for exercise and for joy, you West Coast Swing dancers might be pleased to learn Crista will format her class with an eye on movements and footwork frequently used in this dance. She walked through my studio one day and saw a videotape of advanced WCS dancers performing on the studio TV. Mesmerized, she stopped to watch and then commented to me that all the best dancers appeared to have a Jazz background. I said that was true and that it was a shame there wasn't any place to take Adult Jazz. Now you know where the idea came from. Crista's class will feature body rolls, body waves, body isolations, fancy triple step footwork and syncopations, walking 'sexy', flicks with the feet, and how to use arms gracefully. Plus she will cover classic jazz turn technique on chenez turns, pirouettes, and pivots. Unlike our social classes, a partner is not necessary. If you guys want to learn, your popularity is absolutely guaranteed, I assure you. Background information about Crista Reuss:  http://ssqq.com/information/ballet6.htm You can email her with questions at Pointe9958@aol.com THE SSQQ - LEISURE LEARNING 'SLOW DANCE AND ROMANCE' CARIBBEAN CRUISE  August 25 - September 1 http://ssqq.com/information/travel.htm Travel Agent: Anne Adams, Vacations to Go 713 957 1705 aadams@vacationstogo.com SSQQ has scheduled a 7-night Caribbean Cruise on Royal Caribbean's 'Rhapsody of the Sea'. This year's trip will set sail the last week in August 2002. We will depart from Galveston for adventures to Key West, Belize, and Cozumel.  We currently have 20 people who have committed to go on the trip, plus about 100 on the fence who say they want to go, but haven't made up their mind. They say they are all waiting to see who else goes. And what is wrong with this picture? Oh well.  Since I announced this year's Cruise a month ago, I have had a wide variety of feedback. The initial response was overwhelming pleasure at discovering we switched from Carnival to Royal Caribbean. The Rhapsody is a floating palace. It is exquisitely modern, plush, and beautiful.  (Pictures of the Rhapsody: http://www.ssqq.com/information/travel05.htm ) Then the second response was dismay as people realized this trip is several hundred dollars more expensive than last year's trip. Part of the reason is simple - last year's trip was 5 days and this is 7 days. But the real reason behind the cost is that Royal Caribbean targets a wealthier clientele. They provide a far more elaborate ship than Carnival does and they charge top dollar for it.  The third response was price shopping. People found they could get the trip for $20 less from Travel Agent Sue or $40 less from Travel Agent Bob. I investigated one of these complaints carefully. By going to the web site of the travel agency Bob represented, I found the prices listed on their web site were identical to what our Travel Agency (Vacations to Go) quoted us. The difference in price reflected an individual agent's willingness to accept a lower commission.  I have some mixed feelings about this phenomenon. On the one hand $20 or $40 is nothing to sneeze at, but when matched against the overall price it amounts to 2% or so. The downside is our group gets special amenities (private parties for example) from Royal Caribbean based on our numbers and booking with another agent hurts our chances of reaching their quotas. The fourth response is that we took 100 people last year while this year only 20 people have signed up so far. So I am asked what is wrong with this trip? I have several responses to this question. First, the truth of the matter is I knew this year's numbers would be down simply because we booked a longer, more expensive cruise. The money knocks some people out and the extra time knocks others out. I booked Royal Caribbean because so many people complained about Carnival. I do not apologize for making this move. I am only sorry that to get a better ship we have to pay more money. That's just the way it is.  Second, 20 actually is a pretty good number for this stage of the game. The first cruise we took in 1998 had 30 people and we were proud of that total. We will blow 30 out of the water.  Third, Leisure Learning has not yet begun to promote this cruise. Next week 171,000 (yes, that is correct: one hundred and seventy one thousand) schedules will hit the streets announcing our cruise. I imagine our numbers will begin to rise steadily from this point on. Besides the luxury of this ship, the dancing will be so much better. The dancing was fun last year, but we lacked a good place to dance as a group at night. The Rhapsody is designed to promote dancing. For example in February 2002 the Rhapsody of the Seas was chosen to host a Ballroom Dancing cruise specifically because of its large, beautiful dance floors. That Ballroom cruise trip drew several hundred people.  In particular the Rhapsody features the "Shall We Dance" Lounge. As its name suggests, this venue is dedicated strictly to Swing dancing, Ballroom dancing, and partner dancing to Top 40 music. Each night after dinner the Shall We Dance Lounge becomes a dance club complete with live ballroom dance and party music from 7:30 pm till 11 pm. (Note: there is also a Disco in another part of the boat.) This lounge is highly praised as a place that caters to 'sophisticated dancers'.  Other dance opportunities include rumors of a Sock Hop night as well as the fancy, upscale Captain's Welcome Aboard Party. My point is Royal Caribbean has the best reputation in the cruise industry for catering to people who like to dance the way we like to dance.  This trip will fill up whether we do it or not. For example, there are only a couple balcony cabins left. Apparently everyone wants to sun bathe in the nude.  Royal Caribbean's refund policy allows anyone to reserve a cabin by credit card for $250. This money is completely refundable as late as June 25th. I have worked with Vacations to Go now on two different trips and I have not heard one complaint about monkey business. If VTG says your deposit is completely refundable if requested before June 25th, then this is a fact.  If everyone waits for someone else to make the first move, you have missed the point. If you want to go, there is no risk to sign up now and relax while you see how the trip fills up. If you are disappointed on June 25th, get your money back. In other words you can put down a deposit to hold your cabin for THREE MONTHS at no charge. There is no risk of losing your money, but there is a risk that we can lose our reservations if everyone waits till the last minute to make their move. Let me say this one more time: If you sign up now and something unexpected comes up, you have till June 25th to get your entire deposit back.  If you have a general question about the trip, contact me at dance@ssqq.com Roommates should not be a problem. We paired off very nicely last year and this year is no exception. For money questions, room descriptions, rates, and detailed stuff like that, you would be better off contacting Anne Adams. Email: Aadams@vacationstogo.com  Phone: 713 957 1705  I hope you will join us!  For more information about this year's cruise: http://ssqq.com/information/travel.htm Story of Last Year's Cruise:  http://ssqq.com/information/travel01.htm Pictures from Last Year's Cruise:  http://ssqq.com/information/caribbean1.htm AND WHAT DOES YOUR FATHER DO FOR A LIVING? Contributed by Mike Guillory The 10 year old boy moved to a new school in the middle of the academic year. His new teacher took a shine to the kid and decided to make him feel more comfortable by asking him a couple simple questions.  "What is your father's occupation?" asked the teacher.  "He's a magician, Ma'am," said the new boy. "How interesting! What's his favorite trick?" "He saws people in half." "Gosh! Do you have any brothers or sisters?" "One half brother and one half sister." . DEAR ABBY - IT DOES NOT PAY FOR A MAN TO INVEST HEAVILY IN DANCING LETTER TO EDITOR: Monday, March 11, 2002 10:37 PM Rick, your articles are nice. They make sense and are correct except for one thing. Men outnumber the women in the dance classes. Many of the attractive women come with their boyfriends. I would certainly dance more if there were more women to go around. Since the genders are not balanced it does not make sense to invest to heavily in dancing. BSK REPLY:  Tue 03/12/2002 4:43 PM I cannot disagree with you more. You are right in some ways... there are occasionally more men than women in class and the best looking ones often have men at their sides, but you are looking at the trees and not the forest. Women do not need the lessons as much as men because the man has the responsibility of leading. Once a woman masters the fundamentals, she finds she can cut corners. Men cannot do this - they need to take all the lessons. Thus occasionally you have classes with more men than women. Second, wherever you go, you will find a man next to a good-looking woman. Some of these women who you think are paired up in class are actually there by themselves, but a guy will latch on to her and give the appearance of being her partner. In the scheme of things, attractive women often have several 'suitors' from whom to choose. The man who wins is the one with the most on the ball. Half the struggle is just finding a way to get her to notice you. Dancing is a marvelous way to do just that - get a woman's attention in a very graceful, positive way. It will put you on her radar quickly if you have a little charm to go with rhythm and a good lead. I have suggestion - come on the SSQQ cruise. Last year there were ten more women than men and they all complained they wished they had more men to dance with. Rick Archer REPLY: Mon 03/18/2002 7:17 PM I will try your advice and perhaps the cruise. I really appreciate your response. The school is top quality and you are one of the best teachers I have ever been taught by. Thankyou, BSK  (Editor's Note: Most of you seem to assume I was hatched from an egg with gray hair and already teaching dance. Nothing could be further from the truth. I was a very slow learner and I made every mistake in the book from poor leading, lack of rhythm, to awkward balance. My only saving grace was my ridiculous persistence. I just kept at it till I got it. Then once I became a good dancer, I turned around and made every social mistake in the book as well. When it comes to dance, I can honestly say I learned everything the hard way.  That said, I decided to actually write about my experiences with the idea of providing a little coaching to people new to the world of dance. If you are interested, you can read what I had to say on the web site under Write-ups: Advice to Men.  http://ssqq.com/information/advicehm.htm ) SSQQ COMPLAINT OF THE MONTH - WHAT'S YOUR PHONE NUMBER? Wednesday, March 20, 2002 11:59 AM I am interested in signing up for you classes. I missed the March registration but want to start in April. How can I call you all? Ellena Carr REPLY: Wednesday, March 20, 2002 5:12 PM Calling isn't that hard - we answer the phone from 10 till 3 pm every weekday. You can also go to the website and register online for any course you think is interesting.  Rick Archer REPLY: Thursday, March 21, 2002 8:50 AM Obviously, there was some degree of difficulty otherwise I would not have contacted you all via email. I had to surf through several pages before I finally located a phone number. You all might consider looking into that matter. Anyway, thanks for responding to my email but I am no longer interested! Ellena Carr REPLY: Thu 03/21/2002 11:25 AM Ms. Carr,  I read your reply with bemusement. You had some degree of difficulty about what?? I responded to your email within 5 hours after you sent it. You asked HOW you could call us. You didn't bother to ask WHAT our phone number was. A more specific request would get a more direct answer. For example, "what is your studio phone number?" 1. The studio phone number was listed as part of my email response to you. Did you not read my response?  2. And our phone number is at the bottom of the first web page.  3. Our phone number is in the yellow pages.  4. We are also in the business pages.  5. Directory assistance is another option.  . THE TEN BEST THINGS ANYONE EVER SAID Here is a thought-provoking list of interesting quotes.  1. "Only the Mediocre are always at their best." - Jean Giraudoux 2. "A Narcissist is someone better looking than you are." - Gore Vidal 3. "The only reason I would ever take up Country-Western dancing is to hear heavy breathing again." - Erma Bombeck 4. "Never eat more than you can lift." - Miss Piggy 5. "I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody." - Bill Cosby 6. "The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get to the office." - Robert Frost 7. "When ideas fail, words come in very handy." - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 8. "I only like two kinds of men - domestic and foreign." - Mae West 9. "Virtue is its own revenge." - E.Y. Harburg  10. "From birth to age 18, a girl needs good parents. From 18 to 35, she needs good looks. From 35 to 55 she needs a good personality. From 55 on, she needs cash." - Sophie Tucker. .. WATCHING DANCE CLASSES As you probably know, we have a strict rule against watching classes. We had an odd incident last Saturday that re-emphasized the reasons behind this policy.  On Saturday, March 23, 2002, we had our first-ever Pajama Party. In Room 2, Anita Williams was teaching a West Coast Swing 'Flirting With Your Feet' workshop. There were 10 women in the class all dressed in pajamas. One woman was in curlers while another woman had her hair spiked in little tuffs using rubber bands. I was taking the workshop too. We were all acting silly - that was the whole point of the party.  Anita made a reference that a certain movement resembled carrying a baby in the womb. All the women seemed to get it, but I clearly didn't and I was teased. In retaliation I decided to make a fool of myself. I put a big pillow inside my bathrobe to resemble being pregnant. As I hoped, I got some laughs so I left the pillow in there as I continued to dance.  About 20 minutes into the class some man walked in with his girlfriend. He saw the ridiculous sight of 10 women and a man prancing around in pajamas trying to dance sexy. He laughed. He guffawed. He pointed. And he decided to stay and watch a while. He talked to his girlfriend while the class continued. The women were obviously uncomfortable at his presence.  Finally I realized he wasn't going to leave gracefully of his own accord so I intervened and made him leave. He even mentioned he didn't remember me being quite so heavy. What a charmer.  Obviously the odd situation combined with this man's rudeness is the extreme, but the point is that he made everyone feel extremely self-conscious.  Dance class is not like the zoo. While some people don't mind being watched, there are many who do. The animals don't get much of a choice in the matter, but we do. Watching is not appreciated.  We have a section on the SSQQ Website dedicated to 'questions' and general information. To read the extended article on the subject of watching, click here:  http://ssqq.com/information/watching.htm . ADVICE COLUMN SUGGESTION LETTER TO EDITOR:  Thursday, August 10, 2000 9:16 AM Rick, in his Ghost Town class the other night, Darryl gave the following wise advice to the men: "Don't ask a beginner to dance, expect her to do Ghost Town level, and then teach her if she can't handle the moves. She'll think you are a jerk." I say Amen to that. In that vein, I thought it might be useful to have an anonymous advice column written by women to men and by men to women. I don't know if you have offered such a thing before. It could also include commentary you and the other teachers have heard. I am sure that men would love to have the opportunity to lambaste back-leaders, for example, and probably have other observations that would be useful to hear. Women probably have a few choice words, too. It could be a fun and informative column.  I would like to suggest some of the following:  1) If you are an advanced dancer, don't chant "slow, slow, quick, quick" throughout the dance. It suggests that either you or your partner can't sense the beat or your lead and undermines enjoyment of the dance. 2) Practice dances at the studio are one thing, but social dances are usually attended FOR FUN. Resist the temptation to teach someone you don't know at a social event. She may be a better or worse dancer than you are, but you can bet she didn't ask to be taught by a stranger on a public dance floor.  3) Some men at SSQQ lessons are able to "get away" with weak leads because all the women are learning the same patterns. But elsewhere, women won't anticipate the next move unless you indicate it. Maybe practicing with mixed patterns would be helpful.  4) If your hands tend to sweat, trying holding the woman's hand and back more loosely. It may help. 5) If you are dancing swing at a dark club, don't assume that a lead stated as, "Find my hand" will work very well.  Cordially, Laura Agrons TFW COMPUTERS CELEBRATES ITS 19TH ANNIVERSARY I make no secret of the fact that Gary Richardson of TFW Computers has made an enormous contribution to the success of my business.  I bought my first computer from his store in 1997. Since then I have bought 12 more computers. Yes, that total is correct. I have bought so many computers from Gary I had to look at my web site to confirm the total. In all different members of the SSQQ community have bought 48 computers from Gary, a pretty staggering total. From the SSQQ Staff, Jack Benard, David Schroeder, Daryl Armstrong, Maureen Brunetti, Linda Cook, Cher Longoria, Jill Banta, Mitch Istre, and Brian White have also bought computers from Gary. Go look for yourself: http://ssqq.com/information/floppy.htm Gary in conjunction with David Schroeder designed the computers and programs for our new Walk-In Registration system which we will unveil next week.  Gary is having an SSQQ sale in April. Anyone from SSQQ will get 10% OFF Computers, Notebooks and Accessories. You will need to present your Online Registration receipt to get this offer which expires at the end of April.  David Schroeder recently updated TFW website. You can see prices and all the things that Gary sells on the first screen.  www.computerstfw.com If you have questions about computers, you can email Gary at Grichardson@houston.rr.com or simply say hi to him at the Longhorn on Tuesdays (he will be the one constantly wiping sweat from his brow) or at the studio on Fridays (look for the same characteristic; you can make him instantly). .. FORBIDDEN LOVE A year ago, I wrote a sensitive love story and I don't think a soul even read it. Too bad, because it was a great story!! Now that a year has passed, it is time to alert everyone to the existence of the best love story I ever wrote.  Here is an excerpt:  "It was a dark and stormy night. They were alone in the house. The storm had come up quickly and a chill had entered the room. As the wind-driven rain battered the house, it seemed the wrath of an Irish Banshee was nigh!! Each time the thunder roared he watched as she trembled in fear. He wanted to help her, but he knew it was wrong As the wind howled like a ghost separated from its soul, she stole a glance at him from across the room. He seemed so brave and powerful!! She admired his strong presence. She wished that he would take her in his arms, comfort her and protect her from the terrible storm that raged outside   Then she hated herself. Her secret thoughts were taboo; she knew that. She could never act on them!! It was a violation of every ethical code she had ever believed in. It was a Union totally forbidden in her culture. Yet she ached for his comfort so badly.... Suddenly a huge burst of lightning seemed to strike the very house itself!! The sky lit up, then the room plunged into total darkness as the power failed. She screamed in terror!! .." (Editor's Note: To read the powerful climax visit  http://ssqq.com/information/lust02.htm Be sure to let me know if you enjoyed the rest of the story!) LAST MONTH'S NEWSLETTER REVISITED: DANCING WITH BEGINNER MEN In March, our Dear Abby section dealt with a man bemoaning the fact that Beginning Lady dancers could dance with men in the higher levels while he felt very uncomfortable asking more experienced women dancers to Twostep with him.  We received several comments. Here is one from Deborah Solomon (nee Debbie Awad): Hi Rick, This is my 'Investment in the future concept".  Just a comment from someone who danced with a lot of beginners during my SSQQ days. If there are any women out there who are hesitant to dance with beginners, remember that they will get better with time. When those beginners have shaped up into great dancers, they gratefully remember the experienced women that danced with them and will seek you out. Think of it as an investment in your dance future. Also, don't hesitate to ask them to dance if they're standing on the side. Debbie Solomon .. LAST MONTH'S NEWSLETTER REVISITED: DANGER TO WOMEN In the last Newsletter, I wrote a note about the dangers to women in parking lots. Several people wrote back to thank me for the reminder. Here is an especially good letter from Ellen Neacy: "Hello Rick, I haven't been able to attend classes at SSQQ recently, but I always enjoy your newsletter. I noted in your March issue the information concerning women being conned into being victims of crime. I think you have provided a tremendous service to all the women who read your newsletter and to those to whom the information is passed along. When you have space in an upcoming newsletter, perhaps you could remind women of something that my Mother ingrained in me and my sisters. She always told us to check around our cars as we approached the car for flat tires, glass bottles placed under the tires, and especially anyone near the car. We were always to have a keys in hand and get in the car quickly, lock the door, start the engine, put on the seatbelt and then drive. The important thing being to lock the car doors first. Fortunately, we listened to our Mother in this instance anyway. Many years ago in Massachusetts near where we grew up, my sister Colleen was on her way home from her local college one night and was pulled over by an unmarked police car. She thought it strange, as she wasn't speeding, but she pulled over and as the "cop" quickly got out of his car and approached her car, my sister thought to check that her door was locked. The killer pretending to be a cop ran up and tried to yank her door open. Colleen had the presence of mind to speed away and drive to the nearest police station, where all heck broke loose when she told the police what happened. The police had apparently been looking for his guy for quite a while. With the information she supplied, along with other evidence obtained, he was later arrested and convicted for killing eight women in Mass. and New Hampshire. My sister was the only one of his victims to have survived and not be harmed. Subsequent to these events, the laws in many states have changed so as to make it more difficult for civilians to obtain blue flashing dashboard lights similar to those that the police use.  Anyway, you don't need to put all this in the newsletter, but just remind women to always lock their car doors and that not every man who claims to be a police officer, actually is one. (And yes, unfortunately this is absolutely a true story.) Take care and I hope to see you soon.  Kind regards, Ellen Neacy" (Editor's Note: In the past month, I was saddened to note the abduction of the young 11 year old girl in SE Houston, a crime that has not been solved. This girl is the same age as my daughter so it was especially hard to deal with. There is danger everywhere and we should never let down our guard.) FINISHED FILES - Contributed by Judith Williams Count the number of F's in the following sentence: FINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS Read the answer after the next article. LAST MONTH'S NEWSLETTER REVISITED: DOOR WAREHOUSE TOWS SSQQ CARS Last month I reported that a half-dozen cars belonging to SSQQ students had been towed from the front of the Door Warehouse.  The good news is that I know of no further incidents of our cars being towed.  Since I published their phone number, several people took the time to phone the Door Warehouse to complain of their treatment. This may have helped since we have not had one car towed since. However I am not sure this is because the Door Warehouse has discontinued their policy or that SSQQ Hall Monitors have been careful to check the Door Warehouse parking lot for any unsuspecting SSQQ cars. Thank you Bronnie and Sandy and everyone else who called! Three other incidents occurred. SSQQ student Lisa May took the time to check out the Better Business Bureau status of Door Warehouse one day. Guess what? They flunked. There were at least 4 unresolved complaints against this business. And what about SSQQ? Clean bill of health. Hah!!  Here is what Lisa said:  "Hi, Rick: I was taking my lunch hour and surfing through the newsletter. I read the story on the Door Warehouse - given my curious nature and "inquiring minds want to know" spirit, I did an inquiry with the Better Business Bureau. Attached is what the Door Warehouse's report shows - notice the UNSATISFACTORY rating with the BBB: (seems like that explains a lot that is going on with SSQQ - if they don't address the needs of their customers, why would they be concerned with SSQQ's students?)" Thanks, Lisa (read for yourself what the report said on the web site, http://www.ssqq.com/ssqq/newsletter.htm ) The second incident occurred Monday, March 4. As I arrived for dance class at 6 pm, I was astonished to see the Door Warehouse truck parked in our parking lot. What a bunch of hypocrites!! SSQQ Staffer MG Anseman also saw the truck parked there. I went back to my car and took a picture. Go see it yourself: http://www.ssqq.com/ssqq/newsletter.htm Finally, I saw cars of either employees or customers of the Door Warehouse in our parking lot on three different occasions last week. I didn't have my camera or I would add the pictures to our collection. Last Saturday, March 23, they even had a truck parked in our parking lot with a ladder allowing workmen to get up on their roof. Mind you, this store has four sides, but it was the most fun I guess to use the side facing our parking lot. It turns out they were adding some exciting red lights on top of their building. My guess is business is down and this is a new way to generate attention. Maybe they paid for the lights with the towing fee kickbacks I suspect they receive. Or maybe we should try Newsletter reader Lynne Tadlock's idea:  "If you own a camera you can take pictures of the cars related to business with Door Warehouse parked on your lot. Write up a total for towing fees due for each the vehicle on the individual pictures. Then send Joel a bill with a copy of the pictures and the total that you saved his people/customer etc. and express how you know he's such a good concerned business owner and that he would take care of it promptly because he wouldn't want his customers to be inconvenienced or fall victim to towing expenses from parking in the wrong lot when visiting the Door Warehouse." Maybe we should tow their business truck and hold it for ransom! Beside Lynne, Lisa, Bronnie, and Sandy, I received very nice letters of concern from Ernesto Migoya, and Sarah Rose Miller (who says be careful of towing at the Tropicana!!).  I received a fascinating letter from frequent Newsletter contributor Bett Sundermeyer. Here is what she had to say: "Hey Rick, I read about your towing problems. I had a similar problem a couple weeks ago. I parked in a Jack in the Box parking lot and made the mistake of walking next door first before walking into the Jack in the Box. I was gone all of FIVE MINUTES and when I came out, a wrecker had already pulled my car out of the parking space and had it dangling in the air. He pointed out an obscure sign that I didn't see that said the lot was for Jack in the Box customers only. I called the police because I couldn't believe someone could just take your car within 5 minutes without actually seeing if you were going to go in the Jack in the Box. The police were no help AT ALL. He said it was my word against the owner's, who wasn't there. I was on my lunch break and needed to get back to work, so I had to pay $75 C! ASH to get the driver to drop my car. Then, to make matters worse, when I drove off I realized there was something terribly wrong with my car. It was so bad, I turned around and drove it right to the repair shop. I found out the wrecker driver, in his hurry to make his $75, had improperly hooked chains to the rods of my car to pull it out, and bent them. It cost me $200 to repair it and so far, they have refused to pay for it.  I think it is RIDICULOUS that a private citizen can hire someone to just take someone else's car. No ticket. No police involvement at all. Then, the car owner is FORCED to pay for towing and storages fees if, heaven forbid, they can't figure out who took their car for a couple days. It's EXTORTION! Apparently, wreckers were deregulated a year or two ago, and now pretty much have free reign along with the individuals who hire them." From what the readers have told me, the Wrecker Industry is pretty out of control.  .. LAST MONTH'S NEWSLETTER REVISITED: EINSTEIN'S PUZZLE And the winners of the Einstein Contest were:  1. Sara Fielder 2. Viqar Anwar 3. Nicholas Mann Congratulations and thank you for playing! .. HEARTBEAT PERFORMS AT SSQQ ON MAY 18TH SSQQ has a champion in its midst. Susie Merrill coaches a Western dance team known as Heartbeat. Its members are 95% drawn from SSQQ students who get bitten by the performing bug. They are really quite good. Heartbeat will be performing at the Dance Across Texas competition on May 25th and intend to use our upcoming May 18th party as an opportunity to strut their stuff and get some much needed experience a week ahead of time. Be sure to come and see these guys and gals do their number at the studio! . THE F CHART So did you count 3 F's? Uh oh. Go back and look again. There were 6. The brain is trained to read for speed and automatically overlooks words like "OF". Incredible or what? Anyone who counts all six F's on the first go is a genius. Three is normal.  I was in the 6th grade when I first saw this test. I saw 3 then and everyone I have given the test to comes up with the same answer. Amazing. . SSQQ VOLLEYBALL Every now and then a bunch of SSQQ dancers and affiliated jocks meet at my house in the Heights for a mid Saturday morning (11 am - 2 pm) game of volleyball.  Our group is pretty talented. We aren't good enough to win any tournaments against some volleyball studs, but on the other hand we bump, spike, set, block, and dig pretty darn well for a bunch of middle aged athletes.  We are looking for some new blood to join us. If you are an athlete or a volleyball player or even better both, join us on Saturday, April 6 for a morning of great social volleyball! Email for directions to: Rick Archer at dance@ssqq.com THE SSQQ APRIL JOKE PAGE IS READY! We have 23 classic jokes ready for you to read on our April Joke Page.  http://www.ssqq.com/ssqq/jokes04.htm Here is my personal favorite from the April Jokes:  April CS 09: The Aggie, the Longhorn, and the Pig Submitted by Mike Gerstenberger A student from Texas A&M University, a student from The University of Texas, and a pig were in the hospital waiting room, each awaiting the birth of his firstborn child. Suddenly, the lights went out.  Fortunately, power was restored shortly thereafter and the head nurse made her way to the waiting room. "I've got good news and bad news for both you gentlemen and Mr. Pig," she announced. "Despite the electrical outage, two healthy young boys and one healthy piglet have been delivered.  "However, since the lights went out at the most inopportune time, we aren't sure which firstborn belongs to whom. The only way we know to resolve the problem is to draw straws and have the winner choose first." The three proud papas agreed this was the fairest way. The UT grad won the drawing. He was escorted into the delivery room and looked at the three newborns for a painstakingly long time. Finally, with head bowed and a look of shame, he scooped up the piglet and headed for the door. "Sir, are you quite certain that you've made the right choice?" the nurse asked with a frown.  "No, I'm not," replied the Longhorn. "But I just couldn't run the risk of choosing the Aggie." .. THE APRIL SSQQ POLITICAL EDITORIAL Once a month I show my ignorance by spouting off at some political situation about which I know little or nothing about. This is always a popular moment among our readers. This month I want to talk about rail along the Katy Freeway corridor. I am qualified to write about the Katy Freeway because I not only live on I-10, I drive it twice a day on both sides of the Loop as I take my daughter to school.  The Katy Freeway is the Freeway from Hell. It is the worst stretch of road in a city dominated by all kinds of highway problems.  I see some well-meaning person from Metro had the nerve to suggest maybe while everyone was busy widening the Katy Freeway, perhaps leaving a little room for a possible rail down the road might not be such a bad idea. At this ludicrous suggestion several champions of the Katy road widening project blew their stack. They protested that studying this radical and obviously stupid suggestion would slow the project down horribly.  Problem. Houston has the worst smog problem in the country.  Solution. Build wider freeways to accommodate more cars to make more smog.  Well, duh, what genius thought of that?  Has anyone ever pointed out that fewer cars might create less smog? Or do they really think driving them slower will make the difference. What kind of science do these people study? At what point will our civic leaders realize that you just can't keep widening the freeways. It takes forever to finish this construction. Then by the time they are finished, there will be more cars, so you will never win. All the time the smog just keeps getting worse as the freeways get wider. I suppose the next suggestion will be to build upper and lower decks.  So someone actually had the nerve to say the dirty word ( rail ) and our civic leaders screamed foul. Remember what a stink a couple politicians put up over the rail project connecting downtown to the Astrodome, oops Reliant Stadium? Why is it everyone freaks out when someone tries a different approach to our transportation problems?  You know what I think? I think some of our elected politicians must be financed by the guys who build the roads. That is the only explanation that makes a bit of sense to me.  Okay, I said it. Now let's hear what someone else thinks. . MARS AND VENUS BASHING TIME!!! Contributed by Ann Bush 1) He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said...You wear briefs, don't you? 2) She said...What do you mean by coming home half drunk? He said... It's not my fault...I ran out of money. 3) He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way. She said...Well, you succeeded. 4) He said... 'Two inches more, and I would be king' She said...'Two inches less, and you'd be queen' 5) On wall in ladies room: "My husband follows me everywhere." Written just below it: "I do not." 6) Priest... 'I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband.' She said...'Who's gonna look?' 7) He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror. 8) He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight. She said...Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on. 9) He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm? She said...I would, but you're never there. . APRIL JOKE PICTURE OF THE MONTH This month's picture is about a little dog with a big problem to worry about. It looks like his whole world is about to come crashing down on him. http://www.ssqq.com/ssqq/jokepicture.htm COMPUTERIZED REGISTRATION COMING TO SSQQ SOON In February I wrote about an incident where a man felt victimized because he was denied entry to his class. He didn't have his receipt and we couldn't find his name on the class roster. I believe he actually paid, but at the same time showed little to no respect for our need to have the proper documentation. As a result he acted like a guy who lost his movie ticket and wanted to still get in anyway.  This incident was so aggravating to me that I invested $10,000 in a new computer system designed to upgrade the SSQQ Registration process. David Schroeder, the man who brought us the SSQQ Web Site, the SSQQ Newsletter, and our On-Line Registration System has designed the software. We experimented with the system in March and now in April will use it as much as we can while we iron out the confusion. Combined with our already successful On-Line Registration system, this will allow us to have a computerized recording of all class rosters. Had our gatecrasher registered On-Line, it would have been no trouble to simply look up his roster on the computer. This new system will hopefully prevent incidents such as the one above from happening again. In time it will also mean we have the power to limit the size of classes. With an accurate count of the people registered, we can prevent overcrowding. We aren't there yet, but that's where we are heading.  20 QUESTIONS - THE SSQQ INFORMATION PAGE The SSQQ Web Site now has a question and answer section.  http://ssqq.com/information/information.htm This area of our web site targets the following questions - 01. Private Lessons 02. Refunds 03. Referring new students 04. Group Discounts  05. Switching Partners  06. Guests  07. Credit for Unfinished classes 08. Same Sex Dancing 09. Making up a Class 10. Volunteering  11. Clothes/Shoes  12. Need a Partner?  13. Watching Classes  14. Starting classes a week late 15. Repeating a Class  16. Children  17. Husband Who Won't Dance 18. Map 19. What level of class to take 20. General Questions (like why SSQQ doesn't have bottled water and why we don't have other locations). If you have a question you want to have answered, let us know!! dance@ssqq.com  .. THE SSQQ APRIL PUZZLE - HOW OLD ARE THE THREE CHILDREN? Contributed by Shayna Rubin This is a toughie!! It is fair, but requires some very creative thinking.  Two men are talking when one reveals his age to the other during the conversation. The second man thinks for a moment, then says to the first, "I have three children whose ages I want you to guess. Here are two clues: 1. "The sum of their ages is 13." 2. "The product of their ages is the same as your age." At this the first man does a quick calculation, smiles, and then hesitates. "Hmm," says the first man. "I've almost got it, but I need just one more clue!" The second man replies, "OK, here's another clue: 3. "My oldest child is a lefty." "Aha! Of course. I now know their ages!" says the first man. How old is the first man and how old are the three children? (All ages are whole numbers.) Okay, if you can solve this you get a free Practice Night at the studio. I solved it myself, but first I had to have a hint. If you have the answer or need a hint, email me at dance@ssqq.com  The solution is very clever. . NICE WORDS FOR THE ZYDECO INSTRUCTORS Willie Bushnell and Ronnie Alexander teach Zydeco for SSQQ. Recently I received a very nice compliment on their class from a lady I know well, Yvonne Estrada.  "Hey Rick,  Good to see you at the studio tonight.  Kudos to Ronnie and Willie who did the Zydeco class tonight. As you may know, Arturo has been going to SSQQ for 3 years and he took the class previously offered under another teacher. We love going to Jax and listening to Zydeco but the way they dance there and the way he was taught just didn't match. Zydeco music is so invigorating, we just couldn't stay seated so we would wait until the dance floor was really crowded and you couldn't move and we would just fake it - poorly I might add! :-\  When I read the write up on Willie on the web page, it sounded great and from the minute they showed us the basic step tonight, I knew that was the dance I'd seen at Jax and the one I wanted to learn. The class was a blast and my I found a few butt muscles I didn't know I had.  These guys are terrific. Also the new design on the web site is great. It's nice to see such an 'old' favorite like SSQQ doing well. I realized today, I have been going there now for 2 years. We take a couple of months break but always come back. (Editor's Note: big smooch and hug, Yvonne. Yes, these two guys are excellent. I took their class a year ago and was dancing at Jax on a Saturday night with some of the best-looking women I have ever danced with. Zydeco is a lot of fun! By the way, I just figured out why I call you 'Shirley' all the time. Lavonne and Shirley. Yvonne and Shirley. My mind had a breakdown and slipped over from Yvonne to Shirley!!) . THE APRIL BLUE SIDE JOKES ARE READY! The infamous SSQQ Blue Side Joke Page has 21 marvelous raunchy jokes waiting to be read. Here is one of my all-time favorites: April BS 14: The Gorilla Submitted by Pat Roberts It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. Since they get there early, they are practically the only people at the zoo. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a pit containing a very large hairy gorilla. Looking up, the Gorilla notices the woman and goes wild. He jumps up and down on the logs in the pit, he grunts, and pounds his chest. The wife blushes and waves back. She even does a little dance. The Gorilla is very happy. The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is amusing. He suggests that the wife tease the poor fellow some more. He suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, jumping around and beating his chest. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and the gorilla is about to kill himself trying to climb the walls to get to her. He is developing one heck of a simian erection and the wife is a little flush herself. Being the object of all this fuss is turning her on a little. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him," he says. This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips and is making every kind of ape sound imaginable. He is going nuts with the frustration! In a moment of absolute abandon without any prodding, the woman suddenly exposes a breast. The poor gorilla is about to explode!! He is futilely climbing at the wall and screaming with passion!!  Suddenly the husband grabs his wife by the hair and her belt and tosses her over the railing into the moat below. The Gorilla's eyes bulge with astonishment!! "Now, tell that Big Ape you have a headache!!" . ANOTHER COMPLAINT OF THE MONTH!! ON-LINE REGISTRATION LETTER TO EDITOR: We pre-registered to take beginning ballroom on Tues. Mar. 5 - Mar. 26; however, due to unexpected work schedules, we are unable to attend during March or April.  Would you please refund our registration fee of $80.00/couple (Mike Black and Sharon Black)? Thank you for your kind assistance. We hope to see you again in May! Regards, Sharon Black FIRST REPLY:  Sorry, the on-line registration is a one-way street. The only way to get a refund is to do it in person during walk-in registration. Any night at 7 pm for the next couple weeks would be a good time. Rick Archer SECOND LETTER TO EDITOR:  Sorry to be such a bother, but as we are currently out of the country, we cannot come by personally to cancel our lessons. Could you please help us out on this? Sincerely, Mike/Sharon Black  SECOND REPLY: I can't help. The 0nline system is a tar baby. The only way we can undo something is in person. I am not kidding. (Editor's Note: We aren't trying to be difficult. We understand that anyone who registers On-Line is entitled to a refund if they don't attend their class.  The problem is that we don't have a check or cash laying around to hand to back to you. The money is being held by some credit card computer in another state. To refund the money, we have to cancel the transaction. To cancel the transaction we need to swipe the credit card using a special machine at the studio. We can't swipe a credit card over the telephone or by using email. It needs to be done physically, i.e. in person.  The On-Line system is unbelievably complex. As an experiment, Jill Banta and I tried to find Mrs. Black's registration ticket in our email box. We had 600 emails to sort through. The Search function was useless. We had to open each email individually. After both of us looked for 20 minutes, we found the ticket only to realize that the credit card number wasn't even on the receipt. To protect the privacy of Mrs. Black's transaction her credit card number was not allowed to appear. Jill looked at me and I looked at Jill. There was no way we had the energy to solve this problem using the computer.  On the other hand, if Mrs. Black came by the studio with her credit card, one swipe thru the credit card machine would solve the problem in less than a minute.  Unless we discover a simpler way to do this, please realize if you register using the On-Line system, the smart thing is to avoid changing your mind. Transfers to another class we can do using email, we can carry the money to the next month, but refunds will have to be cleared up in person. Sorry.) THE SSQQ MEDICAL JOURNAL: WHAT EXACTLY IS THE DEAL WITH A WOMAN'S MENSTRUAL CYCLE?  Recently I have been sent several articles dealing with the forbidden topic known as Menstruation. I am honestly quite terrified to discuss this explosive issue, but if my understanding is correct, women apparently feel they have the perfect right to be meaner than hell to anyone who comes near them for about 3 days each month. For example, read the findings in this important study: NEW MEDICAL STUDY ON "WHAT MAKES A MAN ATTRACTIVE TO A WOMAN" Contributed by Red Draper "A study in Scotland showed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending upon where a woman is in her menstrual cycle. For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged, masculine features, and if she is menstruating, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple." Soon after I received the research study cited above, Sandy Baggett sent me further information on the Forbidden Topic.  "Hey Rick, the Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands!" When Red sent me the medical study, I laughed it off thinking it was a joke. But something about the Sandy's warning sent chills of dread surging through me. This was the second reminder in a row that basically pointed out that women are borderline homicidal maniacs once a month!!  My point is, if women are this dangerous once a month, shouldn't society do something to protect its citizens from women under the influence of their own bodies?  And why do women feel men are the most appropriate targets for their Menstruation-driven rage? I mean, why don't they wish to drive scissors through the heads of other women as well? Why are men somehow held to blame for a little cramp or two? Don't women understand that men get cramps too from listening to women endlessly bellyache about PMS this and Period that? For crying out loud, don't men take enough grief off of women during the regular 27 days of the month? Why is okay for women to assume they have carte blanche during the Red Zone to murder any poor jerk who has the misfortune to cross their path? Whether we like it or not, women are making it clear that once a month they will not be responsible for what they do. If this is the case, it seems only fair that women identify their hormonal status for the good of society. For example, what about planting a big red 'MM' (Menstrual Madness) on the forehead of any woman crazed out of her mind during the worst days of the Cycle? Or what about 'BBB' (Betrayed By Body)? Or HH (Hormonal Hysteria)? Or a simple FF (Femme Fatale)? Or an old standard like PMS?  Or simply paint a picture!! If body art is preferred, what about a tasteful skull and crossbones tattoo in any obvious, easy to see place on her body? Or accessorize - just wear a cute little tampon necklace. Other possibilities include a picture of Carrie on a brooch or a clever designer lapel pin in the shape of a bloody knife. I think men have a right to feel safe. Isn't it high time that women stop threatening to go ballistic for no other reason than she feels a little moody during her Period and take some medication? Or at the very least shouldn't a woman be expected to warn society in some way before she makes (as the English would say) a bloody mess of things? . .. RESPONSIBILITY REVISITED A year ago I wrote an angry letter about how no one wants to take Responsibility for anything.  The article was inspired by this brief treatise: Let's see if I understand how America works lately . . .  If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she was holding in her lap while driving, she blames the restaurant. If your teen-age son kills himself, you blame the rock 'n' roll music or musician he liked. If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company. If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the school for poor sex education.  If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender. If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot up with heroin was dirty, you blame the government for not providing clean ones.  If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television. If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.  If a crazed person climbs into the cockpit of an airliner and tries to kill the pilots at 35,000 feet and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline. I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore." My article dealt with the legal absurdities of three different cases. One had a local kid hit by lightning while played golf during a thunderstorm. His parents sued the golf course for not warning him properly of the dangers. Another case dealt with a man who got drunk and crawled into Sea World in Orlando only to be mauled to death by a killer whale. His family sued the company saying they had portrayed the whale as lovable which was false advertising. The third case dealt with a woman who was killed as she resisted arrest after being caught shoplifting. She apparently was high on coke and died of cardiac arrest. Naturally her family sued the store for wrongful death.  Now a year later a gentleman named Todd Tennis from Lansing, Michigan, sent me a letter casting new light on the wrongful death suit. It turns out 3 other people died shoplifting the same chain of stores in the Detroit area. And he also pointed out the famous MacDonald's coffee burning case had another side to the story.  The result had me backpedaling a bit. I was a bit embarrassed to be reminded there are two sides to every story.  If you are interested in Mr. Tennis' revelations about shoplifter genocide in Detroit, please visit the Responsibility Page, http://ssqq.com/archive/vinlin17.htm THE NEW GUY AT WORK - contributed by Mike Guillory (Note - this joke is a little 'different'. Let me know what you think about it). There's a new guy at work transferred from another state. Unfortunately he doesn't seem to be fitting in too well. The boss asks Paul to invite him to do something and see if the guy will ease up a little. Paul has misgivings but he owes the boss a favor. He discovers the new guy's passion is hunting, so he invites him along with two of Paul's buddies for a weekend hunt.  The trip up isn't much fun as the new guy turns out to be a hardass of the first degree. They have an incident along the way at a rural gas station and after that all the guy can do is rant incessantly about the stupidity of uneducated dirt busters. In the mirror Paul can see his two friends in back rolling their eyes in disgust at this redneck. Paul regrets inviting him. To make things worse, when they get to Paul's favorite childhood hunting spot, they find several "No Trespassing" signs. This is an unexpected development. Paul tells his friends to wait in the car and walks up to the nearby farmhouse.  The farmer answers the door, and Paul says, "Sir, I grew up around here. You may remember me. I'm Paul Davis. I've hunted on this property all my life, but now I notice you have a bunch of signs up. I wanted to see if it was still OK for me to hunt here."  The farmer scratches his chin for a bit and says, "Yeah, I remember you and your Dad. I had to put those signs up because it seems like everyone is so damn trigger happy these days. But you know what you are doing so it's okay. Just do me a favor. I've got this cow out back that we have to kill for food, but I've grown too attached to do the work. If you go out back and shoot my cow, I'll let you hunt on my property." Paul thanks him and agrees to help. Walking back to the car, Paul decides to play a stupid joke on the new guy since he says he hates farmers so much.  "That old bastard won't let us hunt on his property," Paul tells the guys. "He said we're a bunch of chickenshit asshole city slickers who probably don't know a rifle from a BB gun. He said to get the hell outta here. I'm going to teach him a lesson and shoot his cow!"  Before anyone can say a word, Paul shoulders his rifle, walks up to the fence, takes aim, - BLAM! - he drops the old cow with one shot. His buddies are absolutely appalled at what he has done Suddenly two more shots ring out behind him. Paul wheels around in horror. The new guy yells, "Goddamn mud pusher! You were right to teach him a lesson. I shot the dog and a pig too! Let's get the hell out of here before he gets your license number!" .. MAY 2002  WELCOME TO THE SSQQ NEWSLETTER If this is the first SSQQ Newsletter you have received, an introduction might help. Our list of readers is currently around 4,500. The Newsletter is the thread that connects this diverse group together. Although the Newsletter began in January 2000 as a way to publicize each upcoming dance semester, it has grown into a community Newsletter since then.  We use it to post messages and warnings. For example, after alerting everyone to the problem of cars being towed by our unfriendly neighbor The Door Warehouse in the 2002 March issue, there has not been one towing since.  Many of the Newsletter items - the articles, jokes, questions, and observations - are contributed by the readers themselves. If you take the time to browse, you may be pleasantly surprised to discover how entertaining the SSQQ Newsletter is!  .  MAY SCHEDULE OF SSQQ DANCE CLASSES.  Classes begin the week of Sunday, April 28.  http://www.ssqq.com/ssqq/schedule.htm HIGHLIGHTS OF THE MAY SCHEDULE BEGINNING LINDY HOP with Gloria Sanchez will be offered on Sundays at 4:30 pm. Gloria's last Lindy class loved it so much the group stayed together for three months. Come find out the magic of this legendary dance! Judy Archer offers RUMBA - THE LATIN DANCE OF ROMANCE on Sundays at 4:30 pm. The Rumba is a very sensual dance danced to certain popular music (e.g. the Beatles' classic "And I Love Her") and to slow beautiful Latin rhythms. The Rumba is an exceptionally graceful dance and fairly easy to learn.  Judy continues her Sundays at 7 pm with INTERMEDIATE TWOSTEP/POLKA CIRCLE TURNS. Judy concentrates on the advanced footwork necessary to make clockwise and counter clockwise Circle Turns effortless and attractive. Intermediate Twostep will also include several other famous Twostep patterns such as Zigzags, Crossovers, Promenades, and Conversations. If you are interested in this course, we suggest you take it NOW. This course is typically taught in a Crash Course format, but once every six months we teach this extended four-week version of the class. It is extremely useful as a follow-up to Beginning Twostep/Polka.  The BEGINNING WHIP/WEST COAST SWING SUPERCLASS is back!! These 2 fascinating dances will be taught side by side on Sundays (Rick and Anita) and on Thursdays (Brian and Ann). Whip/WCS are danced to Disco, Blues, & Rock music. They feature fancy footwork, sexy hip motion, & flashy spins! BEGINNING WESTERN WALTZ returns! The most-talked about Western class of 2000 and 2001 was the 4-month Western Waltz cycle taught by Sharon Crawford. After starting with Beg Western Waltz in May, Sharon took her class up thru Int, Adv, & Super-Adv in each following month. Starting Wednesday, May 1, Sharon will repeat this magical cycle again. If you stay for the entire 4 month program, you can expect to join the ranks of the finest Western Waltz dancers in the entire city. Don't miss it!! Just a quick reminder that ADVANCED SALSA MAMBO returns to Thursdays in May with Judy Archer. She will teach Level 4 on Thursdays this month. INTERMEDIATE NIGHT CLUB TWOSTEP continues on Fridays with the woman who got the entire studio dancing Night Club in the first place, Susie Merrill. Every C&W album has two or three romantic slow songs on it. Night Club Twostep is the dance that fits these ballads perfectly. Susie has taken the time to become the studio specialist in Night Club. Susie even went to the trouble of hiring Dave Getty, the national UCWDC director, to teach her dance team Heartbeat the latest developments in Night Club. You might be surprised at what she learned! The reaction here at SSQQ has been very favorable to this new dance. After class on Fridays, stay for our Western Practice night afterwards where we will Room 5 dedicated to this music exclusively! THE ANNUAL SLEAZY BAR WHIP PARTY IS THIS SATURDAY, APRIL 27!!  Wear Red and Black and Watch Your Back. Check your Guns and Knives at the Door; Leave your Morals at Home... Saturday, April 27, 9:15 pm  http://www.ssqq.com/ssqq/party08.htm The gorgeous blonde walked into a bar wearing the tightest pair of leather pants anyone had ever seen. Every guy in the joint nearly choked on his drink as eyes bulged and mouths dropped. She just sat there alone for what seemed like an eternity. Finally one of the regulars regained his wits, screwed up his courage, and went over to sit next to her.  He smiled and said "Hi Honey, how do you get into such tight pants?"  "A gin and tonic is a damn good place to start," she replied CRASH COURSES 7-9 PM BEG C&W: TEXAS TWOSTEP - Kathleen INT TWOSTEP: CIRCLE TURNS - Ann GARY'S FAV SLEAZY GHOST TOWN PTNS - Gary BEG WEST COAST SWING - Sandy EAZY SLEAZY WHIP MOVES - Rick (fun, semi-sleazy moves, partner not necessary) THE DISGUSTING SLEAZY BAR WHIP WORKSHOP - Ben (couples only, no switching, R-rated, beware!) ATTITUDE AND HOW TO DRESS: Most people wear Black or a combination of Red and Black. The dangerous ones wear all red. Check your guns and knives at the door. Leave your morals at home.  MUSIC: Western Music in Room 1 plus requests  Sleazy Bar Whip Music in Room 4 (with the tables, it is more 'intimate' in the back room) An email preview of the Sleazy Bar Party (contributed by Marion Sarmiento): "Get your hips ready to shake for an evening of great fun. Those of you who are new to this event - don't worry, it's actually a lot tamer than you might have been led to believe (how really wild is the wild, wild, West after all?), although we get occasional characters that are very interesting to watch! What's more is you'll probably get to see dancers you don't usually see. To new Whippers who have never been to this event, crash courses in country western and whip/ west coast swing precede the party, starting at 7 pm. I've found these to be a lot of fun, and they really set the mood. The teachers are great. You might want to check the SSQQ website for details about who's teaching what. The party itself starts at around 9:15 pm. Look forward to seein' y'all there!" Tales of the Sleazy Bar Party!! Have you ever heard the story about the origin of the Sleazy Bar Whip Party? You would be fascinated to discover in the second year of our party we were nearly busted by the Bellaire Police who entered the building under the impression gunshots had been fired at our party.  Suddenly they thought they had stumbled on the biggest Biker Gang in Bellaire history. One policeman even had his hand on his holster as he grimly surveyed the scene. Do you think I am kidding? I am not kidding. It is a bizarre and very interesting true story!!  Read the History of the SSQQ Sleazy Bar Whip Party.  http://ssqq.com/information/whpsleaz.htm SSQQ DANCE PARTIES IN MAY THE MAYFLOWER SWING DANCE Saturday, May 11, 9:15-Midnight $7 http://www.ssqq.com/ssqq/party09.htm CRASH COURSES 7-9 PM SWING ACROBATICS (Cpls Only, no switching) - Lise/Bryan  SLOW DANCING IN THE BIG CITY (Cpls Only, no switching) - Jill  ADVANCED SALSA - Judy  STEVE'S FAVORITE SWING PTNS- Steve Gabino SWING CHARLESTON PTNS - Maureen JUKEBOX SATURDAY NIGHT Saturday, May 18, 9:15 - Midnight $7 http://www.ssqq.com/ssqq/party10.htm CRASH COURSES 7-9 PM BEG C&W : TEXAS TWOSTEP - Mona  DIRTY DANCING (Cpls Only, no switching) - Rachel BEG CHA CHA - Martin  BEG WESTERN WALTZ - Vicki  LINDA'S FAVORITE DEATH VALLEY PATTERNS - Linda Music: By request!! The idea behind the party is for our guests to pick the music. No requests, no music. The DJ is like a Genie; he is simply there to serve you! This party has been very popular for the past two years. Everyone thinks they could pick better music than the DJ. Well, here's your chance to prove it! HEARTBEAT PERFORMS AT SSQQ ON MAY 18TH SSQQ has a champion in its midst. Susie Merrill coaches a Western dance team known as Heartbeat. Its members are 95% drawn from SSQQ students who get bitten by the performing bug. They are really quite good. Heartbeat will be performing at the Dance Across Texas competition on May 25th and intend to use our upcoming May 18th party as an opportunity to strut their stuff and get some much needed experience a week ahead of time. Be sure to come and see these guys and gals do their number at the studio! .. THE SSQQ - LEISURE LEARNING CARIBBEAN CRUISE  August 25 - September 1 http://ssqq.com/information/travel.htm Developments at a glance:  1. PRICES HAVE DROPPED $70. 2. APRIL 30 IS THE DEADLINE FOR OUR RESERVED ROOMS AT THE LOCKED-IN RATE. 3. YES, WE WILL BE ABLE TO FIND A ROOMMATE FOR YOU. 4. A NEW ARTICLE FROM THE CHRONICLE WRITTEN ABOUT OUR SHIP. SSQQ has scheduled a 7-night Caribbean Cruise on Royal Caribbean's 'Rhapsody of the Sea'. This year's trip will set sail the last week in August 2002. We will depart from Galveston for adventures to Key West, Grand Cayman, and Cozumel.  We currently have 30 people who have committed to go on the trip, plus many people on the fence who say they want to go, but haven't made up their mind.  I have to admit I am baffled by the response to this year's trip. After taking 100 people last year, I fully expected to build on that momentum with an even larger trip this year.  Then this Sophomore Slump hit. Why are the numbers down?? Well, I think the answer is pretty simple - Houston's economy is shaky. Compaq was already having trouble, 9/11 devastated Continental, and the demise of Enron has affected the whole community with its ripple effect. These are three of the largest employers in the city!! Houston has taken some pretty big hits. I don't think it is anything more complicated than that. I think people are waiting till the last minute to make up their mind.  And what about this baffling development where Royal Caribbean dropped the prices $70 for the trip? This is unheard of. Although I am just as much in the dark as anyone else, I think we can surmise that if our group isn't signing up in force, then maybe the general Houston population isn't either.  Furthermore even though we don't have 100 people going doesn't mean the trip is devalued in any way. This ship is incredible. It looks like a floating palace!! You should see the pictures of this ship - it is just beautiful.  http://www.ssqq.com/information/travel05.htm  And I found an article in the Houston Chronicle archives by Harry Shattuck that was very complimentary of the Rhapsody. You should read it.  http://ssqq.com/information/travel08.htm Last year our group was so large our members were scattered all over the ship. With the exception of some of the dancing, everyone pretty much went their separate ways. I imagine this year's group will bind together and do a lot of dancing together. This year we have two dance venues to choose from.  For starters, there is an elaborate Disco that towers above the ship! Known as the 'Viking Crown', it is a 250-seat air-conditioned lounge with picture perched high atop the ship, allowing panoramic views during the day and serving as the disco at night. Then there is a 575-seat Lounge known as 'Shall We Dance' (yes, that is correct- 575 seats!!) that has a Ballroom Dance Floor dedicated strictly to Swing dancing, Ballroom music, and plenty of Slow Dance and Romance. And how hard do you think it will be to persuade them to play any kind of music we want after we show them what we can do?? Furthermore I would like to do some of the group things that were impossible on last year's trip. I would like have a Trivial Pursuits Contest, a Charades Night, and a team Jigsaw Puzzle Contest. Carnival did not lift a finger to help us with these things last year, but this ship has so many more resources I am sure we can find a room where we can have group activities.  And what about Swing Rueda this year? Last year we did Salsa Rueda - and we still may again! - but why not add Swing to our repertoire!!  That is bottom line. And if you need a roommate, don't forget we paired everyone up last year. This year should not be a problem. Cruises are about fun. They are about beauty and luxury. We have a state-of-the-art ship at our disposal. Cruises are about adventure - how about walking the beach at Key West under the moonlight?  And cruises are about Romance. Don't be cynical - it's true. But someone has to make the first move Please join us!!  If you have a general question about the trip, contact me at dance@ssqq.com Roommates should not be a problem. We paired off very nicely last year and this year is no exception. For money questions, room descriptions, rates, and detailed stuff like that, you would be better off contacting Anne Adams. Email: Aadams@vacationstogo.com  Phone: 713 957 1705  For more information about this year's cruise: http://ssqq.com/information/travel.htm Story of Last Year's Cruise:  http://ssqq.com/information/travel01.htm Pictures from Last Year's Cruise:  http://ssqq.com/information/caribbean1.htm WHY THE WHOLE WORLD HATES LAWYERS Written by Rick Archer I am not feeling too warmly towards the legal profession this month. I just got through watching a true movie about how an innocent man from Conroe - Clarence Brantley - was put through a living hell by a corrupt Conroe justice system for 10 years. The story made my blood boil. At one point the man was just 5 days from being put to death for a crime he didn't do. Brantley was victimized by dishonest judges, district attorneys, and Texas Rangers. It was a pathetic indictment of people who should have been trustworthy. They were so crooked they destroyed the evidence used to convict Brantley because they feared a closer inspection of the evidence would actually exonerate him. It took a miracle to save him and thank god Brantley was saved. If you get a chance to see the movie, definitely do so. It is currently showing on Showtime. On a more personal level, recently I was subpoenaed for the first time in my life to appear as a witness at a preliminary divorce hearing. I am friends with both the husband and wife, but have never even remotely been involved in their private lives. Nevertheless I was commanded by the subpoena to print out emails and all kinds of documents. If I had complied with the letter of the order, I would have spent an entire day collecting this information. And yet there wasn't one piece of useful information to either person in the whole stack. Nevertheless I dutifully printed out all my emails and carried them with me to the hearing. I had to interrupt my schedule to go sit around in a courthouse downtown for 2 ½ hours doing nothing. Not one attorney asked to speak with me. No one bothered to collect my 'evidence'. They had absolutely no use for me to be there, but subpoenaed me and a dozen other helpless people just out of sheer meanness. What absolute stupidity. What total pointlessness. No wonder Shakespeare suggested we all shoot the lawyers. And then there is the story of Wenonah Blevins, age 83, who was forcibly evicted from her $150,000 home here in northwest Houston last year over an $814 delinquency bill to the local homeowner's association which turned around and sold her home!!! There's our legal system at work again distributing justice everywhere. Homeowner's associations seem to be the ten-ton bully on everyone's backs these days with their lawyers pushing people around. I was already feeling pretty angry about organizations like these when I received a curious email from two of the warmest people I know, SSQQ dance students Bruce and Shirley Kyckelhahn.  I have known Bruce and Shirley for at least 3 years, possibly longer. In my opinion Bruce and Shirley are intelligent, easy-going, decent human beings about my age who are a credit to society. They have grown children who I believe have graduated from college. In other words Bruce and Shirley clean-cut, friendly, unassuming nice guys. So imagine my surprise when I discovered that Bruce and Shirley are being sued by their homeowner's association for putting a gas light in the wrong spot on the corner of their property!! Can we allow people like them to take dance classes or is the possibility of corruption too high?  Here's the story: SSQQ HAS A SCOFFLAW IN IT'S MIDST Contributed by Bruce and Shirley Kyckelhahn Thu 04/18/2002 7:22 AM Hi Rick, I'm sure that, never in your wildest imaginings, you would ever dream that amongst your student body lurked a Gas Light Felon. Sure, you may have suspected something was seriously amiss. That many missteps? Class after class? Year after year? Couldn't possibly be accidental. This had to indicate the sort of person who would- gasp!- place a gas light where the homeowners' association Did Not Approve. But would such a person go through life cunningly disguised as a meek CPA? The truth about CPA's is finally being revealed daily in the news, isn't it? Yes, it's true. YOUR student has Personally Aesthetically Offended the president of Briargrove Park Property Owners, Incorporated, by wanton misplacement of his Gas Light.  As proof, consult Thom Marshall's April 3rd Houston Chronicle article. For further substantiation, watch ABC's 20/20 tomorrow night. Should be enLIGHTening. (Excuse me.) Shirley, of course, lays all the blame at the two left feet of her dance partner. Still, she has to be held culpable, if only because she has deigned to dance with the criminal lo these many years. Bruce and (guilty by association) Shirley Kyckelhahn (Editor's Note: I asked Bruce to explain more about what was going on. Here is his reply: "We built a house 2 years ago. Deed restrictions (d/rs) require gas lights since we have no city lights. We installed one. Association doesn't like where we put it. I read d/r's, determined that with respect to east/west alignment, we were in conformity with accepted practice throughout the neighborhood; as to north/south alignment, the d/r's did not give the association right to govern.  We went to Architectural Control Committee meeting with spreadsheet showing approx 30-40 "violations" throughout our section of 116 homes subject to this set of d/r's (I have subsequently expanded the list to 58 homes).  D/r committee chairman was not too pleasant; said they didn't care about others. As we left, he said, "Have a good evening, Bruce." Nothing like sarcasm. I asked what next step would be; they said the Board of Directors would review it. Next thing I got was what felt like an extortion letter from association attorney, Rick Butler, demanding we move it and pay him $200.  I, in essence, said "No."  We went back and forth. Finally the association sued, saying they had been harmed far in excess of $200 a day (in spite of Butler's contention that no damages have been specified).  This is a standard tactic of h/o attorneys, to try to scare the shit out of homeowners with the threat of financial ruin. For whatever reason, we decided not to buckle. Court-mandated mediation is the 25th; trial is set for the following week. There's a lot more interesting details. For instance, during deposition, I recall one person was asked why he didn't like where we put our light. He said he found it personally aesthetically offensive. Presented with a copy of the d/r's, he was asked where it said that we were required to align our light with the others. He couldn't find it, he admitted. But, he said, if it wasn't in the d/r's, it should be, because they didn't like where we put it, or something along that line of thought. Unfortunately I don't have the transcript, so treat this as mostly hearsay on my part till I get a copy and can find his exact words."  (Editor's Note: Bruce directed me to an article in the Houston Chronicle written by columnist Thom Marshall on April 3, 2002. I would like to share a couple paragraphs from Mr. Marshall's article:  "Personally, I like Kyckelhahn's light location. If I had been picking a spot for such a light on that corner lot, I suspect I'd have put it in the same place - close to the street and right in the corner. A document titled "Plaintiff's Original Petition and Application for Permanent Injunction" notes that the light "is not located at the center of the Property and set back to be in alignment with the front street lights on the lots located to the east of the Property." It further states that, "No amount of money can compensate the present and future owners of the lots within Briar Court Subdivision, for the harmful effect and irreparable damage caused by Defendant's conduct and actions." Wow. I must be missing something. The placement of the gas light just doesn't seem like that big of a deal to me. I didn't see anywhere in the document where it claims the light's current location constitutes a safety hazard, or that its effectiveness in illuminating the area is diminished. And I don't understand how a light being out of line with neighbors' lights can cause "irreparable damage." (Editor's Note: This story has to be one of the most meaningless assaults on common sense I have ever seen. Who the youknowwhat cares? I asked Bruce one more question:  Bruce, why in the heck are people so mean to each other over such total nonsense? REAL BS. YOU SHOULD HEAR SOME OF THE HORROR STORIES I'VE HEARD SINCE GETTING ACQUAINTED WITH SOME PROPERTY RIGHTS ACTIVISTS OVER THIS. IT HAS GONE FROM BEING A "CASE" TO A "CAUSE."  (Editor's Note: And I am sure the lawyers are the ones paid to care. In honor of the legal profession, let's dedicate the rest of this month's Newsletter open season to Lawyer bashing!! .. ARTICLE: THE STELLA AWARDS Contributed by Pat Roberts Subject: Do Lawyers Live In A great World Or What??? Most of the country has heard of the Darwin Awards given annually to the individuals who do the most for mankind by removing themselves from the gene pool. Now, we have the Stella Awards given to the individuals who win the most frivolous lawsuits ever. The Stella Awards are named in honor of 81 year-old Stella Liebeck, the woman who won $2.9 million for spilling a cup of McDonald's coffee on herself. The following are candidates for the first annual award: 1. January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000.00 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle, tripping over a toddler who was running amuck inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering that the misbehaving little fellow was Ms. Robertson's son. (more Stella Award candidates to come!!) . LAWYER JOKES Contributed by Chris Holmes Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their newest stamps? They had pictures of lawyers on them...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on. Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? It's called, Sosumi. THE LAWYER AND THE HORRIBLE SKI ACCIDENT A powerful attorney was enjoying a well-deserved ski weekend paid by the fruits of his hard labor. Suddenly he heard a roar behind him and screamed as an avalanche came barreling down at him. Skiing as fast as he could, he narrowly avoided death by skiing over a ridge. After a horrible fall, he knew he had a badly broken leg, but at least he was alive.  Unfortunately nothing the doctors did seem to help the leg as gangrene set in. Finally the decision was made to amputate.  After the surgery, the lawyer awoke horrified to find they had cut off the good leg. He screamed for the doctor to get his ass into the room.  The lawyer stared at the doctor and said, "After I get through with you, I will own you." The doctor smiled and said, "I don't think so. After I get through with you, you won't have a leg to stand on." ADULT JAZZ CLASS IS COMING TO SSQQ ON WEDNESDAYS AT 6 PM Crista Reuss began her Adult Jazz Class here at SSQQ on April 10th. She had 12 people the first week and a couple more the next. I believe we also have several SSQQ instructors taking the class. Crista said Jill Banta wasn't bad, but she reserved most of her praise for MG Anseman (aka Mother Goose to his closest friends). Crista said MG had tremendous natural grace which reminded her of a swan gliding across the waters. She said she at first thought of Gene Kelly when she met him, but has since changed her mind and sees MG as more the Patrick Swayze type.  I asked MG about this praise. He modesty credited his motorbike as the instrument which has helped him to develop such incredible balance and body control.  Crista's class is held on Wednesdays .....6:00-6:45 PM . thru May 15th. They will break to get through May and the holiday weekend and pick back up June 5th for another session of 6 weeks. If you would like to join in May, my guess is Crista would pro-rate the remaining weeks. I think just the chance to be in the same room with an emerging star like MG is worth the price of admission!!  You can email Crista with questions at Pointe9958@aol.com STELLA AWARDS CONTINUED 2. June 1998: 19 year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000.00 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps. MORE LAWYER JOKES How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper? AN ETHICS QUESTION FOR A LAWYER A lawyer charged a man $500 for legal services. The man paid him with crisp new $100 bills. After the client left, the lawyer discovered that two bills had stuck together-he'd been overpaid by $100. The ethical dilemma for the lawyer: Should he tell his partner? .. SSQQ REGISTRATION FOR CLASSES April was the first month that SSQQ used computers for Walk-In Registration as well as for On-Line Registration (which allows you to pre-register for classes and avoid standing in any line). David Schroeder designed this massive system. To his credit it worked extremely well. It took our Registration staff a while to get used to, but once they adapted to using the computers they were very complimentary of the new setup.  (By the way, if you wish to develop software for business applications or get help with web design, I can't imagine you can find a more talented guy than David. Web: http://www.e-cats.com Email: information@e-cats.com ) Thanks to David's work, as I hoped, for the first time in studio history we had highly accurate rosters of classes. This meant that anyone who lost their receipt could get their name looked up by the Hall Monitor.  This month we will be adding computerized card swipe machines so things will go even faster. However nothing will ever beat the speed of pre-registering On-Line ahead of time.  ( https://www.crystaltech.net/e-cats/index.cfm ) I appreciate the patience all of you have shown while we make this shift to the next level of technology.  Oh, by the way, we had 1,200 registrations last month. In 25 years of business, this is the first time I have ever had a statistic of this nature. My estimate was always 1,000+. This extraordinary number means two things:  1. SSQQ is indeed a very busy place thanks to all of you.  2. I spent a lot of money to get a number almost identical to what my gut was telling me for free. I am sure there must be a Dilbert cartoon that deals with administrators like me. .. STELLA AWARDS CONTINUED 3. October 1998: Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pa., was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up, because the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't reenter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation. Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found in the garage and a large bag of dry dog food. Mr. Dickson sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.00. LAWYER JOKES CONTINUED What do you call a lawyer gone bad? "Senator" What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? "Your Honor." What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar? The pronunciation. A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. "$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?" . ADVENTURES OF A DANCE TEACHER - THE PISTACHIO CLUB Written by Rick Archer At this point I have written 32 different stories about different events in my dance career. Obviously there are other stories as well to be found on different parts of the SSQQ web site, but the best stories like how I got started as a dance teacher in 1977 and the various adventures since are all chronicled in this section of the SSQQ web site.  This particular story contains details of my first dance hangout. Back in the summer of 1978 the Pistachio Club was Houston's hottest Disco. This was place where I learned how to partner dance, where I hosted my first big bash (300 people!), and met my own dance teacher! http://ssqq.com/information/advent32.htm . LETTER TO EDITOR - WATCHING DANCE CLASSES Contributed by Debbie Awad Solomon Sat 04/20/2002 12:10 PM Hi Rick, I know the vote is over on this particular policy, but I was just catching up with the SSQQ website. I must say that I constantly find it amazing that people are always questioning your policies (i.e, switching partners, no watchers, etc.). After all, you have been running SSQQ successfully for 20 years. You must be doing something right. And hopefully, in that time, you have figured out what contributes to making the atmosphere as much fun as it is. Coming back this month to take lessons after an absence of a year and half felt like a homecoming. I practically lived at SSQQ for most of 1998 and all of 1999. I always had a good time there, whether in class, practice or at parties. The only complaint I could ever make is that the rooms need expanding walls when the class is full. The instructors that I've taken classes with have always been patient about explaining anything I was having difficulty with and learning was usually accompanied to a lot of laughter.  Back to the watcher's rule, I did once have an out of town guest (my aunt from Canada) and I did request and receive permission for her to watch our class. However, it was Advanced Western Swing with Ben and the class was all pretty comfortable with each other by then. I still think the no watching policy is best for Beginning classes. This has turned into an epic (must be because I love SSQQ so much or maybe I'm just verbose), so I'll close.  Dancing Debbie (Awad) Solomon  (Editor's Note: The story of our No-Watching Policy can be read in our General Information Section at http://ssqq.com/information/watching.htm STELLA AWARDS CONTINUED 4. October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock Arkansas was awarded $14,500.00 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The dog was on a chain in its owner's fenced-in yard at the time. Mr. Williams was also in the fenced-in yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog may have been provoked by Mr. Williams who, at the time, was repeatedly shooting it with a pellet gun. LAWYER JOKES CONTINUED What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles. What's the difference between a lawyer and a mosquito? One is a bloodsucking parasite and the other is an insect. Why did God make snakes just before lawyers? To practice. Why does California have the most lawyers in the country, and New Jersey have the most toxic waste sites? New Jersey got first choice. A lawyer had a jury trial in a very difficult business case. The client who had attended the trial was out of town when the jury came back with its decision, which was for the lawyer and his client. The lawyer immediately sent a telegram to his client, reading, "Justice has triumphed!"  The client wired back, "Appeal at once!" LETTERS TO THE EDITOR: ADVICE TO MEN Contributed Anonymously Thu 03/28/2002 9:11 PM OOOOO! Yeahhhhhh! Thank you so much for posting this information on your website. I've been dancing for about 7 years and discovered most of this information from personal experiences. I must say I am still learning and discovering, but it's great to read your examples and perhaps I won't fall too hard with the few remaining ones that I have to learn. This information is the 'comb for the guys who haven't lost their hair'. I love how you begin and end your article with the Waltz Kings. That's great story telling. (please don't publish this email, thanks) (Editor's Note: I know this gentleman asked me not to publish, but it is the only nice note I got all month. The article he referring to is my writeup on Advice to Men.  http://ssqq.com/information/advicehm.htm . LETTERS TO THE EDITOR: THE MYSTERIOUS 'NO PARKING' SIGNS ON FIRST STREET from Pat Bradshaw Tue 04/09/2002 1:27 PM "Rick, what prompted the 'no parking' on the far side of First Street? You may have advised us and I just missed it. Parking is really becoming a challenge." Pat, although there are 'no parking signs' there along First Street, they have NEVER been enforced to my knowledge. I have always assumed they are directed at daytime traffic. No one knows when they appeared or why they prohibit parking in a spot where obviously no one cares. "Is it possible to work a deal with SBC across the street - that lot is empty in the evening."  I doubt SBC has much interest in dealing with us. Renting to us would open them up to liability concerns for one thing. I also don't think parking in their building would save you much time - Realistically the distance is barely reduced. "Not that I don't need the exercise - but I had to park on the cross street at the end of the block week before last. I didn't feel very safe there for my car or myself." I realize it is a bit of a walk, but I walk the same distance at many malls. As far as safety is concerned, this is BELLAIRE. The Bellaire PD has an active patrol. Women jog alone along this street. People walk their dogs along this street. I have never had an incident reported - Never. Ever. It is a safe area.  I would however recommend you ask someone to walk you to your car if you are leaving late from Practice Night. This is just common sense.  .. STELLA AWARDS CONTINUED 5. December 1997: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pa., $113,500.00 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. LAWYER JOKES CONTINUED  What do lawyers use for birth control? Their personalities. What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? A tick falls off of you when you die. Why do sharks ignore lawyers stranded in the water?  Professional courtesy. Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service. What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand? Not enough sand. .. LETTER TO EDITOR: GROUP PRIVATE LESSONS Hello, I am inquiring about private group lessons. I saw that private lessons are available. However, we have a group of about 10 people who are interested in taking a class together. They would rather not attend the regular classes due to schedule constraints, partners, and such. If a group lesson is possible, please contact me with more information at ( ). Thank you. Lisa M Lisa, we can take up to 4 people in a private lesson, but that is the limit. Private/Group classes have been a source of much misery over the years both to my Staff and to the poor thankless person who tries to organize them (you). 1. Just for starters, busy people have tremendous difficulty coordinating their schedules for a lesson. If they have children it becomes a nightmare to find time in common. 2. 10 people is a HUGE number to coordinate. Even in this age of email you will be going around and around in circles. 3. Most people prefer time slots that are already taken up by our regular group classes. For example, how does Saturday at 11 am sound on a regular basis? And even if the adults agree on Saturday at 11 am, if kids are involved, then you have to worry about Junior's soccer practice or Sissy's play rehearsal at school. 4. It is extremely difficult to coordinate the skill and experience level of all the individuals. 5. When one couple misses, there are no makeups/parallel classes to attend. This couple either drops out or slows down the class on the next visit. 6. Finding the times to practice are extremely difficult after private lessons. Some people practice, others don't - and the following week the difference shows. Often the practice never occurs at all. People start to get left behind or the ones who practice are penalized with boredom as they wait for the others to catch up. 7. People change their minds all the time. Get ready for another round of emails/phone calls only to find the instructor isn't available at the new time. 8. And I haven't even begun to discuss money issues, the root of all evil. Sorry to be so pessimistic, but I have encountered legendary headaches over the years. This is a road to Misery paved with good intentions. Save yourself while you still can. Don't do it, Lisa. Suggestion - Pick one of our regular group classes and get a group discount so you can show your friends you were trying as promised. You will save yourself a lot of misery. Or find one other couple and do the private lessons together. THE SSQQ NEWSLETTER REVISITED: DOOR WAREHOUSE TOWS SSQQ CARS At the end of February, I reported that a half-dozen cars belonging to SSQQ students had been towed from the front of the Door Warehouse. Fortunately in March and April there have been no further incidents.  As the height of hypocrisy, the Door Warehouse continues to park its truck in the SSQQ parking lot on nearly a daily basis. Plus obviously cars belonging to customers and employees can always be seen in our parking lot.  It takes all kinds, doesn't it? To read the background of the story, visit http://www.ssqq.com/ssqq/newsmar.htm .. SSQQ SLOW DANCE AND ROMANCE One of the current mysteries at SSQQ is that our mystical marriage and engagement magic seems to have dried up. Not only did we have not even a single marriage or engagement to announce this month, we even had an engagement from last year called off.  SSQQ hasn't changed much, so what are the reasons? I have my hunches, but maybe our readers are clued in. Where has the Romance gone? If you have an answer, send your idea to dance@ssqq.com  THE SSQQ MAY JOKE PAGE IS READY! We have 29 classic jokes ready for you to read on our April Joke Page.  http://www.ssqq.com/ssqq/jokes04.htm Here is one of my personal favorites from the May Jokes:  May CS 08: Minnesota Submitted by Jill Banta There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The produce boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man insisted that he did not need a whole head, only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter. The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head off lettuce." Just as he was finished saying this he turned around to find the pushy man standing right behind him, so he added quickly, "and this nice gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager suppressed a grin and okayed the deal. Eyebrows furrowed, the man grabbed the half head of lettuce and went on his way.  Later the manager called the boy in and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You may have a smart mouth, but you think on your feet and I like that around here. Where are you from, young man ?"  The boy replied, "Up north, Minnesota, sir." "Oh really ? Texas is quite a ways from there. Why did you leave Minnesota ?" asked the manager.  The boy replied, "They're all just a bunch of ice-brain idiots and hockey players up there." "Oh, that's interesting," replied the manager with an odd smile, "Did you know my wife is from Minnesota ?" The boy replied, "No kidding! And what team did she play for ?"  .. STELLA AWARDS CONTINUED 6. December 1997: Kara Walton of Clamont, DE. successfully sued the owner of a night club when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000.00 and dental expenses. .. LAWYER JOKES CONTINUED What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road? There are skid marks in front of the skunk. What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A Doberman. What do lawyers and sperm have in common? One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being. If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him? It might be your bicycle. PROFESSIONAL ANIMOSITY Two attorneys boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a physician got on and took the aisle seat next to the two attorneys. The physician kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the attorney in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a coke." "No problem," said the physician, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, one of the attorneys picked up the physician's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the coke, the other attorney said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too." Again, the physician obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other attorney picked up the  other shoe and spat in it. The Physician returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Physician slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?" . MAY JOKE PICTURE OF THE MONTH Contributed by Anita Williams and Bett Sundermeyer This month's picture is about a deer who has found a very creative way to avoid getting shot!  http://www.ssqq.com/ssqq/jokepicture.htm THE SSQQ BLUE SIDE JOKES ARE READY! (Editor's Note: The Blue Side Jokes are one of the great undiscovered secrets of the SSQQ web site. Anyone who is on the SSQQ Registration List is welcome to have access. All you need to do to subscribe is email me from the email address you use to register for classes and request it. dance@ssqq.com This month there are 17 Blue Side jokes. Below is one of my favorites!) May BS 07: Psychology Student  Submitted by Suzy Kish Wallace A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"  She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"  Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.  After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."  Frowning, he thinks for a moment, then responds, at the top of his lungs, "What makes you think you are worth $200, Slut?"  20 QUESTIONS - THE SSQQ INFORMATION PAGE The SSQQ Web Site now has a question and answer section.  http://ssqq.com/information/information.htm This area of our web site targets the following questions - 01. Private Lessons 02. Refunds 03. Referring new students 04. Group Discounts  05. Switching Partners  06. Guests  07. Credit for Unfinished classes 08. Same Sex Dancing 09. Making up a Class 10. Volunteering  11. Clothes/Shoes  12. Need a Partner?  13. Watching Classes  14. Starting classes a week late 15. Repeating a Class  16. Children  17. Husband Who Won't Dance 18. Map 19. What level of class to take 20. General Questions (like why SSQQ doesn't have bottled water and why we don't have other locations). If you have a question you want to have answered, let us know!! dance@ssqq.com  .. THE SSQQ APRIL PUZZLE - HOW OLD ARE THE THREE CHILDREN?  Contributed by Shayna Rubin In April, we had a very tricky riddle about solving the ages of three children based on some very shaky clues. Nevertheless we had 10 people who solved this tough quiz. Congratulations are in order to these very smart puzzle solvers!! 1. Ed Jablonski 2. Viqar Anwar 3. Faye Thai 4. Randall Clark 5. Jordan Kossack 6. Jason Cagle 7. Francis Wiran 8. Matt Andruchow 9. Tim Crist 10. Susan Arevalo . THE MAY SSQQ CONTEST: THE CREATIVITY QUIZ!! Contributed by Ralph Volz http://ssqq.com/archive/puzzle01.htm Example: What does "12 = I in a F" stand for? Answer: 12 inches in a foot. Example: What does "365 = D in a Y" stand for? Answer: 365 days in a year. The SSQQ Creativity Quiz has 100 of these clues and you have to decide what they stand for.  Ralph Volz sent me a quiz with 57 of these clues. Then I decided to add 43 of my own to make a nice round number of 100. I have to admit as I put together the quiz I had a haunting feeling there were many number clues I was forgetting. Hopefully as you take the quiz, you will think of some clever ones I missed and submit them to improve the quiz!!  Many of these puzzles are pretty easy. I knocked off about 20 in the first ten minutes. Once you get the hang of it, you will probably do even better.  If you get 50 or more right, I will be happy to send you the complete list of the answers (after May 8).  Do you want to be known as the most Creative Person at SSQQ? Well, the seven best totals get listed in the June SSQQ Newsletter. The top prize is a free one-month dance class at the studio, 2nd and 3rd place get a Crash Course for two people plus the party afterwards, and 4 through 7 get a free practice night.  Contest ends Wednesday, May 8, 2002! Have fun!! http://ssqq.com/archive/puzzle01.htm . ROOM 5 IS AVAILABLE FOR NIGHT CLUB TWOSTEP Thanks to Leo Skiba's electrical work, Room 5 now has track lighting with a dimmer switch. This means we can have 3 types of music playing at any Practice Night. The only problem is we will have to use the CD player, but other than that the room is ready to go! LETTERS TO THE EDITOR: DANGERS TO WOMEN  Contributed by Bett Sundermeyer (Editor's Note: For the past two Newsletters, we have had articles from SSQQ Newsletter readers discussing the tricks men use to get women to let down their guard. Here yet is another eye-opening letter discussing the same problem.) Sent: Thursday, March 28, 2002 2:22 PM Rick, I read the article about "Danger to Women". This story sounds VERY similar to a story that I heard on the news a couple nights ago. It happened to a woman just a few days ago in the Rice Village area. She was outside a restaurant (don't remember the name) in that very nice shopping strip off of Kirby and Rice or West University. I believe it was about 8:30 pm. A man pulled behind a woman in an "unmarked" car, partially blocking her car. He got out and tapped on her window. She said she rolled the window down slightly, I guess enough to hear the man. He said he was an undercover cop in an unmarked car and told her he needed her to get out of the car. He showed her an ID but it wasn't a badge. Her instincts told her something was wrong and she refused to get out of her car and proceeded to call her boyfriend on her cell phone. The man managed to knock the cell phone out of her hand and tried to unlatch her seat belt and push her over towards the passenger seat. She put up a big fight and he eventually ran off. It turns out it was the same guy that burst into a company on I-10 a few weeks ago, demanding cash and sexually assaulting an employee there. He is believed to have committed many rapes in the area. The one thing I learned from the news report, other than a reminder to be on the alert at all times, is that an undercover police officer in an unmarked car, will never stop a citizen. They will ALWAYS call for backup from a marked car and/or uniformed officer. I didn't know that. Just thought maybe some of your readers might not know it either. It's something that might save a life in the future. Bett Sundermeyer URBAN LEGEND TIME Contributed by Anita Williams This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of this deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was a manila envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them. After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F---you!". Then he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!" Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here". He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning. While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding about the affair this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.  His revenge...making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members. This guy has balls the size of church bells. Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of this? Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends...$32,000. Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion....$3,000. Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui....$8,500. The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man...PRICELESS There are some things money can't buy; for everything else there's MASTERCARD!!!!!!! (Editor's Note: This is a fun story, but it is DEFINITELY is not true. It has been passed around since 1995. After I received this email, I went straight to the Snopes Urban Legend site. Just typing in the simple word 'Clemson' got me the word-for-word story that Anita sent me plus the debunking. The Snopes web site is amazing. Every suspicious story I run across seems to be on their site. http://www.snopes2.com/ ) AND SPEAKING OF URBAN LEGENDS, GUESS WHAT? Every one of those Stella Award stories turned out to false. As I read those Stella stories I just seethed with resentment. Then my built-in BS detector started to sound off. What if these stories weren't true? So I did a web search on the first person - Kathleen Robertson of Austin. I wasn't getting any sort of hits until I stumbled on something that directed me to the Snopes Urban Legend web site. 'Uh oh', I thought to myself.  http://www.snopes2.com/legal/lawsuits.htm Sure enough, there they were, all 6 of the Stella award cases. False, said Barbara Mikkelson, the woman who does the research. Not one lick of truth in any of them. She said like any good urban legend, there was just enough believability in each story to hook most people. Since the perception is that the lawyers are out of control, stories like the Stella Awards are pretty easy to swallow whole.  JUNE 2002 WELCOME TO THE SSQQ NEWSLETTER If this is the first SSQQ Newsletter you have received, an introduction might help. Our list of readers is currently around 5,000. The Newsletter is the thread that connects this diverse group together. Although the Newsletter began in January 2000 as a way to publicize each upcoming dance semester, it has grown into a community Newsletter since then.  We use it to post messages and warnings. For example, after alerting everyone to the problem of cars being towed by our unfriendly neighbor The Door Warehouse in the 2002 March issue, there has not been one towing since.  Many of the Newsletter items - the articles, jokes, questions, and observations - are contributed by the readers themselves. If you take the time to browse, you may be pleasantly surprised to discover how entertaining the SSQQ Newsletter is!  .  JUNE SCHEDULE OF SSQQ DANCE CLASSES.  Classes begin the week of Sunday, June 2.  http://www.ssqq.com/ssqq/schedule.htm HIGHLIGHTS OF THE JUNE SCHEDULE LATIN CARNIVAL comes to Sundays in June at 4:30 pm. Taught by Judy Archer, this is a class that covers 4 well-known non-Salsa Latin dances including Cha Cha, Rumba, Samba, & Bossa Nova. This course is an introduction to Ballroom-style Latin dancing. Gloria Sanchez throws away her crutches to offer BEGINNING LINDY HOP on Sundays at 4:30 pm. Lindy Hop of course is America's first Swing dance that was resurrected from the dance graveyard during the Swing revival in the 90s and remains ever-popular with SSQQ's Swing Kids. You will enjoy learning this remarkable dance! On Sundays at 7 pm Judy will teach an unusual course known as ADVANCED TWOSTEP/POKA. Her patterns are very complex and are drawn from Advanced Ballroom patterns. In other words, knowledge of Western Swing isn't necessary because the patterns don't involve so many turns but rather clever patterns from closed dance position. BEGINNING HIP HOP JAZZ comes to SSQQ for the first time in June. The teacher is Michele Franzwa, a Junior at Texas Tech who just happens to be a dance major. This is a terrific class for teenagers as well as adults who want to learn the latest and greatest in urban dance. June is the official SSQQ SOCK HOP MONTH!! Because so many of the great hits from the 50s & 60s have slower tempos, we will spend more time in the June Swing classes covering the tricky JITTERBUG footwork to prepare for our big dance on June 22! On Tuesdays in June, Judy Archer offers ADVANCED SALSA MAMBO LEVEL 8 for the very first time. This is your chance to learn some new patterns from the woman who has trained more Salsa dancers than any other teacher in all of Houston! On Tuesdays in June, Paula da Silva offers our first-ever INTERMEDIATE BALLROOM class. Her course will focus primarily on Intermediate and Advanced steps to Foxtrot and Waltz, two of the most famous dances in Ballroom Dance! The most-talked about Western class of 2000 & 2001 was the 4-month Western Waltz cycle taught by Sharon Crawford. The magic has been repeated in 2002 - Sharon's Beg Western Waltz in May had 100 people sign up! In June, Sharon will offer INTERMEDIATE WESTERN WALTZ to be followed by Adv in July and Super Advanced in August. If you stay for the entire 4 month program, you can expect to join the ranks of the finest Western Waltz dancers in the entire city. Don't miss it!! ADVANCED NIGHT CLUB TWOSTEP continues on Fridays with the woman who got the entire studio dancing Night Club in the first place, Susie Merrill. Every C&W album has two or three romantic slow songs on it. Night Club Twostep is the dance that fits these ballads perfectly. Susie has taken the time to become the studio specialist in Night Club. Susie even went to the trouble of hiring Dave Getty, the national UCWDC director, to teach her dance team Heartbeat the latest developments in Night Club. You might be surprised at what she learned! The reaction here at SSQQ has been very favorable to this new dance. After class on Fridays, stay for our Western Practice night afterwards where we will Room 5 dedicated to this music exclusively! SSQQ DANCE PARTIES IN JUNE The MUY CALIENTE SALSA PARTY Saturday, June 8 http://www.ssqq.com/ssqq/party11.htm Room 1 for this party is devoted strictly to Salsa Dancing. Room 4 will feature Tango and requests.  CRASH COURSES AT MUY CALIENTE FROM 7-9 PM: SALSA DIPS/LUNGES II - Judy/ Martin (cpls) LAMBADA: SALSA DIRTY DANCE! - Linda BEG LATIN CHA CHA - Paula BEG SALSA MERENGUE - Jim BEG AMERICAN TANGO - YJ ZYDECO - Ronnie In particular, you might find your eyes are drawn to the Lambada course. The legendary Forbidden Dance was an early precursor of today's Salsa Craze. You will enjoy learning this infamous dance.  In addition, Judy and Martin have a sequel to the wildly popular Crash Course known as "Salsa Dips and Lunges".  THE FABULOUS SSQQ SOCK HOP SWING DANCE! Saturday, June 22 http://www.ssqq.com/ssqq/party12.htm Room 1 for this party is reserved for Swing and Jitterbug Dancing plus all the crazy 50s Line Dances we perform at this party. Room 4 is reserved Whip/WCS dancing to the great Whip music of the 60s and 70s.  CRASH COURSES AT THE SOCK HOP FROM 7-9 PM: BEG SWING - Mona  DIFFICULT JITT. ACROBATICS - Paul (cpls) SOCK HOP PARTY LINE DANCES - Rick  ADVANCED LINDY HOP PTNS - Bryan  SHAGGIE JITTERBUG - Rachel  BEG WEST COAST SWING - Ann  TED & MARGIE'S FAV ADV WHIP PTNS- Ted and Margie The Sock Hop is one of the three best SSQQ parties of the year. Everyone makes a real effort to wear great costumes and we take pictures to post on the web site. We even manage to find some Western music to dance to, believe it or not! The Line Dances are great fun too - if you don't know them, make an effort to take the Sock Hop Party Line Dances Crash Course as we will videotape you dancing them later on!  Please note Acrobatic Instructor Extraordinaire Paul Foltyn is offering a "DIFFICULT ACROBATICS" Crash Course. This means exactly what it says - these are difficult moves that involving lifting and aerials. Definitely take it if you have had acrobatics before, but DO NOT take it if you are new to Acrobatics. This course is specifically for people who have had our 4-week courses in the past. The party does a great job of recapturing the Sock Hop Happy Days feel of the 50s. Circle June 22 on your Calendar! . ANOTHER TESTIMONY TO THE POWER OF SLOW DANCE AND ROMANCE Most men understand the effect dancing has on women. It warms their hearts. This is not folklore, it is fact. Every man should learn how to dance. This gives you a tremendous advantage over the men who don't when it comes to meeting women. It is common knowledge that the most effective way on earth to break the ice at a party with an attractive woman is to go straight up to her and ask her to dance.  It turns out that former President George Bush met his future bride-to-be in exactly this fashion. In the May issue of the Continental Airlines Magazine, Mrs. Barbara Bush wrote: "I first knew George was the most articulate man I had ever met way back in 1941. I was sixteen, he was seventeen, and although we did not know each other, we were attending the same Christmas party. When he walked across the room and asked me if I'd like to dance, they were without a doubt the most brilliant words I had ever heard " .. BRAIN TEASER I: WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT? Contributed by Jane Downs This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. Here is the question:  You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus: 1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die. 2. An old friend who once saved your life. 3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about. Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again. What would you do?  The unique solution posed by the candidate is listed further below. It is very clever. THE SSQQ CARIBBEAN CRUISE  August 25 - September 1 http://ssqq.com/information/travel.htm Developments at a glance:  1. WE ADDED 20 PEOPLE LAST MONTH. 2. WE NOW HAVE OVER 50 PEOPLE. 3. OUR LADIES WANT MORE MEN TO JOIN!! 4. THERE ARE A FEW CABINS LEFT SSQQ has scheduled a 7-night Caribbean Cruise on Royal Caribbean's 'Rhapsody of the Sea'. This year's trip will set sail the last week in August 2002. We will depart from Galveston for adventures to Key West, Grand Cayman, and Cozumel.  We currently have 54 people who have committed to go on the trip. I think we have enough people right now, but it would be nice if we could get some more men to join us!! There are currently 14 more women signed up for this cruise than men. I imagine these ladies would enjoy some company out on the dance floor.  We will be doing a lot of dancing. For starters, there is an elaborate Disco that towers above the ship! Known as the 'Viking Crown', it is a 250-seat air-conditioned lounge with picture perched high atop the ship, allowing panoramic views during the day and serving as the disco at night. Then there is a 575-seat Lounge known as 'Shall We Dance' (yes, that is correct- 575 seats!!) that has a Ballroom Dance Floor dedicated strictly to Swing dancing, Ballroom music, and plenty of Slow Dance and Romance. And how hard do you think it will be to persuade them to play any kind of music we want after we show them what we can do?? Alright, guys, it is time for me to have a serious GUY TALK with all of you single men.  If there is some way you can get yourself on this trip, then you should do just that in the flick of an eye. Cruise Trips are unbelievable opportunities to find romance. I happen to know exactly what I am talking about.  If you don't believe me, just to get in the mood go rent 'An Affair to Remember' with Deborah Kerr and Cary Grant, the classic love story of a wonderful romance that began aboard a cruise ship. You will see that a trip at sea renders women wild with spirit.  Then think about the 70s TV hit 'The Love Boat'. This show lasted 9 years!! Yes, 9 years! I never watched it. You never watched it. Someone had to watch it yes, women watched it. Now you are catching on. Women watched it. They loved this show! Women are all about romance and for some reason cruise ships capture their fancy.  Assuming you have a little more going for you than the average dork, all you have to do is be in the right place at the right time and it wouldn't hurt to smile a little well, you aren't going to be in the right place if you don't get on this cruise! A cruise is probably the easiest way to find an adventure of the heart there is. You are with your friends for 7 days and 7 nights. During the day you get to know some of the ladies on the trip. You talk to them at the pool or at lunch or during dance class. Eventually you find the lady that you feel the most rapport with and you ask if she will join you for the dancing later on. The moment you are waiting for is the slow song.  During the evening, you talk, you dance, and you flirt. Eventually the beautiful love ballad you have been waiting for will get played. Now is your chance to hold your lady friend close in your arms and move real slow. As she looks out over your shoulder there is the ocean outside glistening under the moonlight. The music, the ocean, the moonlight, and the dancing will all thrill her. She will be mesmerized! As we all know, Slow Dance leads to Romance. After the dance, now is your chance to invite this lady out of on the deck. The two of you sip Margaritas under the Moonlight and talk. And talk some more.  Guys, if you have any sense at all, you will join this trip as fast as you possibly can.  Cruises are about Romance. Don't be cynical - it's true. But someone has to make the first move The ladies made their move - 34 women are already on board. Now it's YOUR TURN.  Answer the siren call to romance - These women want you to join them.  Don't disappoint them - now is the time to make your move!  Note: If you have a general question about the trip, contact me at dance@ssqq.com Roommates should not be a problem. We paired off very nicely last year and this year is no exception. For money questions, room descriptions, rates, and detailed stuff like that, you would be better off contacting Anne Adams. Email: Aadams@vacationstogo.com  Phone: 713 957 1705  Pictures of the Rhapsody. This ship is incredible. It looks like a floating palace! http://www.ssqq.com/information/travel05.htm  An article from the Houston Chronicle archives by Harry Shattuck that was very complimentary of the Rhapsody. You should read it.  http://ssqq.com/information/travel08.htm For more information about this year's cruise: http://ssqq.com/information/travel.htm Story of Last Year's Cruise:  http://ssqq.com/information/travel01.htm Pictures from Last Year's Cruise:  http://ssqq.com/information/caribbean1.htm A TOAST TO ME WIFE Contributed by Anita Williams A good Irish man, John O'Reilly, met regularly with his toastmasters club. One evening they were hitting the Guinness Stout and having a contest at who could make the best toast. John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!  He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh that is very nice indeed, John!", Mary said. The next day Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night with a toast about you Mary." She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised meself! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!" . ITEMS IN THE NEWS: CLINTON TEES OFF IN STYLE (a true story) from the May 27 Houston Chronicle Bill Clinton made a brief stop in Brunei on Sunday, spending the day playing golf at the plush Empire Hotel and Country Club in the capital city of this tiny oil-rich sultanate. He was to attend a dinner hosted by Brunei's ruler, Sultan Hassanal Bolkiah, before departing for New Zealand late Sunday. In Singapore on Friday, Clinton warned that "terrorists find fertile ground" in poor nations in sub-Saharan Africa and Asia, and that rich states should help lift these countries out of poverty.  He was paid $250,000 for the one-hour speech. (Editor's Note: Does this story disgust anyone else as much as it does me? And am I the only person who thinks he is getting a kickback for something sleazy he did? . ADULT JAZZ RETURNS TO SSQQ ON WEDNESDAYS AND THURSDAYS AT 6 PM Wednesday 6:00-6:45 Beginning Adult Jazz Level 1 June 5th-26th Thursday 6:00-6:45 Basic Adult Jazz Level 1.5 June 6th-27th The 4-week classes will cost $45 Crista Reuss began her first Adult Jazz Class here at SSQQ on April 10th. She had 12 people the first week and a couple more the next. Since then we have received many inquiries to know if she would continue her program so now you know! Crista wants to remind everyone to wear warmup pants, tee-shirts, and tennis shoes. You can email Crista with further questions at Pointe9958@aol.com SSQQ SLOW DANCE AND ROMANCE I Well, guess what, people who met at SSQQ are starting to get married again!! I received this email from Gayle Luber: "Steve Mink and Gayle Luber, the M&M's of Halloween '99, would like to announce our marriage on May 19 of this year. We met in Judy's Zoot Suit classes on Monday nights in the summer of '99. We've been together ever since. Thanks for all the dance and joy that brought us together. Still swingin' after all those years! Gayle and Steve" I replied:  "Well, that's great! Good for you two! I am very pleased for you. Gayle, did you know I wrote about you in the Newsletter last year? You and Steve were involved in one of the silly events of the Halloween Party - the Haunted House - so I mentioned her in the story although I changed her name deliberately since I did not know how you would feel being identified. Here is the write-up if you are curious. I will be happy to correct it to your name, Gayle, if you don't mind. As you will see, I 'embellished' the story a bit. If you have any details to add or facts to correct, please do! http://ssqq.com/information/advent26.htm (this has a picture of Gayle and Steve) Thanks for telling me about the engagement. I will publish the news in upcoming Newsletter." Gayle replied: "Hi, Rick! Loved the story. Yes, you have my full consent to publish my name as well as Steve's as the boyfriend. If you decide to publish our news, note that we are getting married THIS SUNDAY, May 19. Hope to see ya soon. We've been itchin' to put the dancin' shoes back on. Maybe we can make it out to the June swing party. I tell you, we are quite a bit rusty. Gayle" Congratulations to both!! SSQQ SLOW DANCE AND ROMANCE II "Hi Rick. Sheila Gaulden & I (Mike Wheat) met in your beginning country western swing class last October and got married 4-27-02. We look forward to taking other classes at ssqq this coming fall. I asked Sheila out for our first date one night when some of the ssqq people were meeting at Wild West. We still get together with the ssqq people to dance whenever we can. See you in the fall. Mike Wheat Congratulations to both!! THE SSQQ JUNE JOKE PAGE IS READY! We have 27 classic jokes ready for you to read on our June Joke Page.  http://www.ssqq.com/ssqq/jokes06.htm Here is a wonderful Father's Day story from the June Joke Page that just happens to be true. It is about the legendary golfer Sam Snead who just recently passed away.  June CS 04: Father and Son Submitted by Rick Archer Sam Snead is a famous golf player. His heyday was in the 50s when he dominated the Professional Golf Tour much as Arnold Palmer, Jack Nicklaus, and now Tiger Woods have done since. One of Sam's sons, Chip, was good enough to become a professional golfer in his own right later on. I have heard a rumor that Sam's other sons were named Putt and Drive, but find this a little hard to believe.  One day Sam and his son Chip were playing at the famous Masters Golf Course just for the fun of it. No tournament, no hoopla, no fans - just Father and Son playing a round of golf like millions of other ordinary human beings.  Apparently there is one particular hole on the Masters Course that makes almost a 90 degree turn. Although I am not a golfer, I have heard that a hole with this design is called a "Dogleg". As Chip was preparing to drive off the tee, Sam asked him to stop for a moment. Pointing to an impressive wall of pine trees, Sam said, "You know, Chip, back when I played the Masters I used take a gamble and loft my drive over those trees. I always shaved one or two strokes off my score and not once did I get burned." For those of you unfamiliar with golf, this meant despite the fact that Snead could barely see the hole through cracks in the trees, he shot the ball over the trees but directly at the green as the crow would fly rather than down the fairway, turn left, and then hit again.  This idea had not even occurred to Chip. He stopped and surveyed the pine trees. They were tall and majestic. They formed a barrier that in Chip's mind must have seemed just as daunting as the mighty Himalayas themselves. However Chip was not one to recoil from his father's challenge. He was too good a golfer in his own right to back down from a nudge like this.  So he turned his stance and aimed his drive right at the trees. Boom! The ball didn't even come close to clearing the trees. In fact it hit only about halfway up. Frowning, Chip tried again. No better luck. Chip drove for a third time, putting every ounce of strength into the swing. Although this was his best drive of the three, the golf ball hit only about 2/3rds of the way up, knocked a branch loose, then disappeared into a clump of bushes. To think a golfer would try a shot like this in a tournament would be akin to professional suicide.  Disgusted, Chip threw down his driver and turned to Sam Snead who had been watching in silence as his son tried to match his father's feat. "Dad, gee whiz, I know you are in the Hall of Fame, but how in hell did you ever get a drive over those damn trees!!!" Sam stared at the trees for a while, permitted himself a small smile, then turned to face his son. "You know, Chip, now that I look at those trees, I bet they weren't quite as tall back when I was playing." .. BRAIN TEASER - WHICH IS THE SAFEST ROOM? Contributed by Patty Jones A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him? (Answer below) .. JUNE VOCABULARY WORD OF THE MONTH - ADJUVANT Contributed by Jane Downs ADJUVANT Adjective: Helping; helpful; assisting.  Noun: 1. An assistant 2. An ingredient, in a prescription, which aids or modifies the action of the principal ingredient.  Example: I've found that the least likely people prove to be the most adjuvant in times of trouble. Some people ply me with wine and are then adjuvants themselves. (Editor's Note: I have never heard of this word before, but intend to use it in every one of my classes next month to try to improve my vocabulary. Thank you, Jane! JUNE JOKE PICTURE OF THE MONTH Contributed by Rick Archer This month's picture is about a pregnant lady who found a very creative way to dress for the playoff basketball game! http://www.ssqq.com/ssqq/jokepicture.htm GONE FISHIN' CAJUN STYLE Contributed by Chris Holmes Boudreaux been fishin' down by de bayou all de day and he done run outa night crawlers. He be bout redeye to leave when he seed a snake wit a toad frog in hits mouth. He knowed that dem big bass fish likes toad frogs so he dun decided to steal that froggie. That snake, hit be a cottn mouthed water moccasin so'd he have to be real carefull like or he'd git bit. He snuk up behind de snake and grabbed him roun de haid. That ole snake di'nt lik hit one bit. He commemced to squirm'n an wrapped itself around Boudreaux's arm try'n to get free, but Boudreaux, him had a real good grip on his haid, yea. Well Boudreaux pried hit's mouth open and got de frog and put's it in his bait can. Now Boudreaux knows that he cain't let go of de snake or hit's goin' ta bite him good, but he had a plan. He reached into de back pocket of'n his bib over-hauls and pulls out a pint o' moonshine likker. He pours a couple of draps inta de snakes mouth. Well that snake's eyeballs roll back in hits head and hits body goes limp. Wit dat Boudreaux toss's duh snake inta da crick then he goes back tuh fish'n. A while later Boudreaux dun feel sumptin tapp'n on his barefoot toe. Well, he slowly look down and dare be dat water mocassin, and he gat two toad frogs in his mouth. ITEMS IN THE NEWS - AIDS-INFECTED BASKETBALL PLAYER ARRESTED. NUMBER OF PEOPLE WHO NEED TO BE TESTED WILL RUN INTO THE HUNDREDS.  April 27 Nikko Briteramos, an 18-year-old freshman at Si Tanka-Huron University, was arrested Tuesday and charged with five counts of knowingly exposing a woman to HIV.  Briteramos, who is from Chicago, remained in jail Friday on $10,000 bail. More than 50 people were tested Thursday, and none had any immediate sign of the virus, Governor Bill Janklow said. Additional testing will be required at three weeks, three months and six months, he said.  One of the people who was tested then gave the names of 70 others who were in contact with Briteramos, and the CHAIN WILL UNDOUBTEDLY RUN INTO THE HUNDREDS before everyone is tested, Janklow said. For "anyone who has multiple sex partners, it's reasonable to assume that some of those sex partners have had multiple sex partners, and that's how the chain starts," he said.  State Health Department officials said three reports of HIV infection, including Briteramos' case, had been confirmed in Huron, a middle-class town of 12,000 about 120 miles from Sioux Falls. Authorities allege that Briteramos had sex with the two other people. The AIDS rate in South Dakota is among the lowest in the nation, at 1.1 cases for every 100,000 residents.  Briteramos' infection was detected when he tried to donate blood last month, authorities said.  Fifty sexual partners have been identified from the three HIV-positive cases.  Briteramos, a 6-foot-7 center, could get up to 75 years in prison if convicted on all counts.  "This is no different than pointing a gun at somebody and pulling the trigger," Janklow said. (Editor's Note: If ever there was a news story that illustrates clearly the dangers of unprotected sex, this is it.) . THE SSQQ JUNE BLUE SIDE JOKES ARE READY! (Editor's Note: The Blue Side Jokes are one of the great undiscovered secrets of the SSQQ web site. Anyone who is on the SSQQ Registration List is welcome to have access. All you need to do to subscribe is email me from the email address you use to register for classes and request it. dance@ssqq.com This month there are 17 Blue Side jokes. Below is one of my favorites!) June BS 03: The Breast Stroke Competition Submitted by Jill Banta There was a competition to cross the English Channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.  Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers. When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, the shapely swimmer replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms..." .. THE MAY SSQQ CREATIVITY QUIZ WAS WON BY ALENA OETTING WITH A NEAR-PERFECT SCORE! http://ssqq.com/archive/puzzle01.htm Example: What does "12 = I in a F" stand for? Answer: 12 inches in a foot. The SSQQ Creativity Quiz has 100 of these clues and you have to decide what they stand for.  Here are the results of the SSQQ Creativity Contest: 1. Alena Oetting - 99 2. Dena Jackson - 97 3. John Purslow - 96 4. Tim Crist 5. Ed Jablonski 6. Eric May 7. Marta Bourke 8. Verondia Nevil 9. Susan Jameson Our nine players did very well indeed. However I was in awe of the near-perfect score by Alena Oetting. Very impressive indeed. Alena is a Rice graduate student in their statistics department. She is clearly one very intelligent young lady.  I think John Purslow might have caught Alena, but he had the disadvantage of being from England. By an odd coincidence he was surfing the net and stumbled on our contest.  Here is what his note to me said:  "Thanks Rick; I live in England, in a place called Up Holland, near Wigan, which is in between Manchester and Liverpool. I'm from Liverpool originally. I came across the quiz via a search engine - I enjoy completing puzzles and so on, and yours looked quite challenging. I know I got some of the more American puzzles right (I've seen that ice cream one before!) - and with a bit more thought I may have got 2 or 3 more, but never the 34 clue (surely M on 34 S would have been better!). Anyway, I enjoyed it all - no need for a prize :-) competing was enough. Pass it on to whomever was next! If you set any more quizzes, let me know! Cheers, John" John clearly was handicapped by his English (as opposed to American) heritage. He only missed 3 clues and every one he missed was 'Americana' such as Joe Dimaggio's hit streak and the Indy 500 clue.  Dena Jackson's had an equally amazing 97. Her downfall was the biology questions - 9 months of gestation, 32 teeth in the adult human mouth.  And what did Alena miss?  17 a S by J I.  How many of you know what the answer is to that? Congratulations to all the smart people who took this tough puzzle and nailed it! . WELCOME TO THE ARMY Contributed by Marla Gorzynski A Kentuckian entered the US Army and was in his first week of basic training. He lived in the back hills and was not used to the modern amenities. On the first day, he was issued a comb. On the second day they sent him to the barber to cut off his hair. On the third day he was issued a toothbrush and toothpaste. On the fourth day he was sent to the dentist and they pulled ten of his teeth. On the fifth day he was issued an athletic supporter. On the sixth day he went AWOL. . THE JUNE MONSTER NEIGHBORHOOD PUZZLE CONTEST  Each month we have a Contest of some sort. This month we visit Mr. Dracula's Neighborhood. This is a logic puzzle with some pretty creepy characters.  On one side of a very unusual street, along a certain block on Terror Avenue, there are five very rundown haunted houses which are painted Black, Orange, Blood Red, Gray, and White. Now the owners of these houses are Frankenstein, Dracula, Witch, Ghost, and Psycho. Their occupations in no particular order are night watchman, undertaker, psychotherapist, hit man, and terrorist. Your job using the clues is to sort out the color of each house, who lives there, and what their day job is without losing your head or getting nightmares... Enjoy!! The first seven people to answer the puzzle correctly get a free Practice Night and a free Party at the studio in July!! Plus we will tell the world how smart you are in the next Newsletter! http://ssqq.com/archive/puzzle.htm . THE VENUS MARS QUOTES OF THE MONTH  God made man before woman to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.  Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished... (Thank you John Anderson for the first quote. The second one is anonymous to protect the contributor's marital status.) . BRAIN TEASER I: WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT? The moral question is who do you give the ride to, the woman who appears to be in danger of dying, the old friend who once saved you, or the potential love of your life? What would you do?  One person had this very creative answer.  He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams." .. BRAIN TEASER II: The third room. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead. . Well, guess what, I thought they were true, so the jokes on me too. And speaking of law jokes, here's one for the road, a classic!!  THE GENIE, THE SECRETARY, THE PARALEGAL, AND THE LAW PARTNER A secretary, a paralegal and a partner in a city law firm are walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."  "Me first! Me first!" says the secretary. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.  In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the paralegal, "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "You're next," the Genie says to the partner.  The partner frowns and says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch." ..

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