FLASHBACK Sunday afternoon, AUGUST 12, 1979 POOLSIDE PREMONITION

Rick Archer's Note:  

This book, The Western Years, is a continuation of the second stage of my dance career after Disco faded into obscurity.  Due to several unusual events that marked my transition into a Country-Western dance teacher, a second purpose of my book is to examine these experiences in detail because they led to my belief in Fate and Cosmic Blindness.  No story is more important to the saga of Rick and Victoria than the event I call the "Poolside Premonition".  I previously shared this story near the end of my previous book, The Disco Years.  Since it is pertinent to the discussion of Free Will, I wish to tell the story again.

Time-wise, the Premonition took place one and a half months prior to Doorstep Night. 

In June, Victoria and I gave a Disco performance at the Sugar Creek Country Club.  Patricia, my girlfriend at the time, had insisted on coming along.  Angered by Victoria's possessive behavior following the performance, Patricia threw a temper tantrum.  Two weeks later Patricia decided the Triangle situation she shared with Victoria and me was intolerable, so she left for good.

Finally rid of Patricia, Victoria insisted I now belonged to her.  Is this what I wanted?  Yes and No.  Yes, I craved her sexually.  But the better I got to know Victoria, the more I realized how unstable she was.  Not only that, Victoria was married.  Consequently I was determined not to give in.  Unfortunately I could not just walk away.  Victoria owned me due to my fear she would hurt the dance studio if I did not play along.  So I reluctantly accepted the role of Victoria's boyfriend, but insisted we remain platonic while she made a decision on her marriage.  So why did I consent to this nonsense?  I was in roughly the same situation as an unmarried female secretary with a married boss who pressures her to give in.  Given that the secretary has children and needs this job, her dilemma is very painful.  In my case, the studio was my child and I felt a strong need to protect it.

Following Patricia's departure, over the past month and a half I had been able to stand my ground.  However, I could not seem to get Victoria to set me free.  Despite my repeated insistence that leaving her husband for me was a very bad idea, Victoria clung tight.  That left me no choice but to adopt a siege mentality and wait her out.  I assumed I had time on my side.  I knew Michael, Victoria's husband, was pressuring her to recommit to their marriage.  I assumed Victoria would eventually come to her senses and give up chasing me.  It wasn't that hard to wait.  As long as Victoria kept her distance, I was more than capable of keeping my hands to myself.  However, once Victoria realized the Waiting Game was working in my favor, at the urging of her evil girlfriend Darya, she decided to make a bold move.

Over the past year, one night a week, sometimes two, Victoria and I would sit in her car after class ended and talk about her problems.  Although it was pitch dark and we were completely alone, these were not romantic moments, at least not in my mind.  That is because listening to her complain was very depressing.  One night in in mid-August, as usual we were talking about Victoria's frustration with her failing marriage.  Taking matters into her own hands, in the darkness Victoria suddenly crossed the seat.  Throwing her arms around my neck, she kissed me.  Instantly aroused, I was enflamed with passion.  Victoria came very close to coaxing me past the Forbidden Line.  To use a football analogy, I stopped just inches short of the goal line.  Unfortunately, the memory of her touch lingered.  In the days that followed, I felt helpless to resist Victoria if she chose to kiss me again.  Would I be able to say no?  Consumed with desire, given how weak I felt, probably not.

Three days after the near-miss, I was obligated to escort Victoria to another country club visit with Darya.  The date was Sunday, August 12.  Afterwards we had a scheduled dance event.  Considering we would be alone in her car later that night, I expected Victoria would make her next move.  If so, I was a goner.  Unable to rid myself of the fever, the temptation to finish what we had started was just too great.  As we drove to the country club, I was miserable.

A statuesque buxom blonde, Darya was what some would refer to as a Trophy Wife.  Darya and her husband, a wealthy attorney, had taken Victoria's Disco class back in May.  Like Victoria, Darya was a real beauty.  In my opinion, the women were equal in looks.  When Victoria learned Darya was a former Miss Texas contestant, that opened the door for further conversation.  Victoria had been a model and beauty contestant as well.  Immediately drawn to one another, one day in June they met for lunch to compare notes.  Discovering they were both locked in unhappy marriages, they took each other into confidence.  Darya revealed she was having a torrid affair with Robert, a high school football coach she had met in Victoria's May class.  Victoria gasped.  She had no idea.  Amused by Victoria's befuddlement, Darya said she had been attracted to the rugged, muscle-bound football coach from the moment she met him.  Darya was proud of herself for picking up Robert right under her husband's unsuspecting nose.  Darya thought it was hysterical her husband never had a clue his wife had hooked up with this good-looking guy during dance class.  It was all way too easy.  ha ha, what wicked games we play!

Darya and her husband had skipped dance class in July due to travel commitments, but they returned in August for another round of dance classes with Victoria.  Darya was quite the expert on deceit.  In an act of extreme chutzpah, Darya persuaded her macho boyfriend Roberto to continue taking the same class as her husband.  Victoria could not believe Darya's husband had no idea what was going on.  Tickled by the shock in Victoria's eyes, Darya had invited Victoria to the country club today to offer an update on her salacious tale.

Perhaps this is a good time to announce there were a lot of things about Victoria I did not know.   I realize I have painted a picture of Victoria as the racy vixen, but when I first met Victoria, she struck me as virtuous.  I doubt seriously that Victoria had ever been unfaithful to Michael (or vice versa).  Things stayed that way for the first four months.  For reasons I will never understand, the moment Patricia came along, Victoria switched to a flirtatious style complete with hints and innuendos.  Over the next eight months, things stayed that way.  So far Victoria had been all yak and no sack.  Things seem to change once Darya came along.  Indeed, this recent Moonlight Madness was the first time Victoria had ever been sexually aggressive towards me. 

Personally, I think Darya's influence had a lot to do with Victoria's increasing boldness.  One night during Car Talk Victoria chose to tell me the details of Darya's torrid affair.  When Victoria expressed how shocked she was at the unusual pleasure Darya took in deceiving her husband, I could tell she was sincere.  Although Victoria did not say whether she approved of Darya or not, I could tell the woman's story had affected her.  I think Victoria was surprised to meet a woman more ruthless than herself.  

Victoria said I reminded her of the football coach.  Oh really?  I knew Roberto.  I had met him once at Camelot.  Robert was an interesting, semi-respectable character who was dedicated to his job.  Sort of like me.  However, Victoria was overlooking one big difference.  I had morals and Coach R did not.  If Romeo Roberto wanted to commit adultery with the glamorous wife of the attorney, that was his business.  Personally I did not like Darya.  She was too aggressive and far too cynical for my taste.  Not only did Darya remind me of Patricia and her man-hunting ways, I believed Darya's wicked ways had rubbed off on Victoria. 

In order to arrive at Darya's country club together, Victoria had specified a midway place to meet.  As I drove to the rendezvous, my mind focused on my narrow escape from Victoria's car three nights ago.  In this game of high stakes willpower, I was determined to avoid crossing the line.  However, what good did it do?  We had come within the slimmest margin of completion.  When I pulled away, only Victoria's panties remained to separate sin from questionable virtue.  I was glad we stopped, but my conscience refused to stop punishing me.  Now I was scared.  If this happened again, I felt helpless to resist her.  Exploring Victoria's incredible curves had felt too damn good; the passion in our kiss had been incredible.  Furthermore, judging by her confident greeting as I got into her car, Victoria apparently had no regrets.  I suspected Victoria knew she had me on the ropes.  In my wounded state, no doubt Victoria would pounce again soon.

When we got to the club, I could see the Über-rich were present.  I was the lone exception.  Darya's husband was out on the golf course with his buddies.  I never saw him.  Darya didn't mind his absence one bit.  She much preferred to be with Victoria. 

I was in a very bad mood.  I did not want to be here at Club Swankienda.  I had been bullied into participation, so I was sulking.  I struggled to find a term to describe my status.  I wasn't Victoria's lover.  I wasn't her kept man.  A better term would be her menial.  This afternoon event was a perfect example.  I did not want to go, but Victoria insisted.  Despite my objection, as usual Puppet Boy reluctantly gave in. 

Darya greeted me with a sniff.  No doubt my social inferiority was apparent.  For starters, she probably noticed the leash of subjugation around my neck.  It was humiliating to constantly be under Victoria's thumb.  I felt like I had lost my backbone at the worst possible time.  If Victoria somehow lured me across the Forbidden Line, I would be stuck with her forever.  How was I ever going to get out of this fix?

Around 4 pm the women decided to go outside and relax by the pool.  Leaving to don bathing suits, I said I would meet them by the pool.  Since it was late in the day, the pool was deserted.  The nearest person was thirty feet away when Victoria walked up.  Victoria made sure I was looking as she casually took off her robe.  At the sight of her incredible figure, I trembled anew.  Considering the level of my hostility, one would think my better judgment would win this particular battle.  Such was not the case.  I already knew the woman had a great body, but the sight of her in a swimsuit was even more unsettling.  I was haunted anew by the memory of her ultra-thin waist and perfect breasts.  Mesmerized by her figure, I became so aroused that I had to relocate lest Victoria notice her embarrassing effect on me.  Telling Victoria I was taking a nap, I discretely moved to a lounge chair eight feet away and tried to calm down.  The women didn't care that I had isolated myself.  In fact, I think they preferred it that way.  I could tell by their giggles how much they enjoyed each other's company.  Other than a waiter who drifted by periodically to refill their pink daiquiris, there was no one to bother them.  As for me, I wasn't drinking.  Not in the mood.

Victoria's poolside striptease had quite an effect on me.  I was very upset by my sudden arousal.  It served as a poignant reminder the degree to which this stunning woman had my number.  Irritated by my weakness, I sat there feeling sorry for myself under a giant umbrella.  Staring out at the swimming pool, eventually my ardor cooled and I felt a semblance of self-control return.  I shook my head in despair.  Three nights had passed since Victoria and I embraced in her car, but the shame refused to leave.  I had no answer for this woman.  I could not believe I had finally given into temptation.  The touch of her body aroused so much passion that I had come close to violating my oath.  I was appalled at how quickly I had fallen apart.  Once my desire kicked in, my conscience went flying out the window.  I took a long, deep breath, then let out a sigh.  If Victoria ever came at me like that again, I seriously doubted I would be able to resist.  I felt so completely defenseless.

At that moment, a surprising thought crossed my mind.  I recalled how my father's affair had led to my parents' divorce when I was 9.  I had not thought about Dad's Affair in quite some time.  It was funny how that particular memory returned to me now at such a key time.  It was almost like the thought had been placed in my head.  The recollection helped me understand why I had so much negative energy about Affairs.  A sick thought crossed my mind.  I wondered if my father's secretary had a body to match Victoria's.  If so, maybe now I finally understood my father's ill-fated decision.

Unlike Michael and Victoria who were perfect for each other, my parents had been a total mismatch.  It was a bad marriage to be sure.  My mother was a plain, unattractive woman who did not take care of her figure.  In addition, Mom had a smart mouth she used to needle my passive father. 

My father was a handsome man who came from poverty while my mother came from a wealthy home.  Seeing my mother as meal ticket to a college education, he offered to marry her.  She dropped out of college to pay the bills while he got his degree.  My father began as a salesman for electrical equipment.  Later he designed electrical systems for giant cranes.  It did not take long for management to realize Dad was a genius.  As his career took off, Dad got cocky and cast the roving eye.  His sexy secretary answered the call.  Once things got hot and heavy, my father decided he wanted a divorce.

Age 9 at the time, I was really struggling in school due to tension at home.  I was the worst behaved kid in my Fourth Grade class.  I constantly acted out and talked back to my teacher.  I made at best average grades because I rarely paid attention.  At least once a day I fought war battles on scratch paper.  One day it was tanks and jet fighters.  The next day it was flying saucers.  Then came dinosaurs locked in fierce combat. 

To the exasperation of my teacher, I would sit at the back of the room making muffled sound effects.  I assumed no one could hear me, but I was wrong.  I was a giant nuisance.  Finally my teacher laid down the law.  Any more noise and she would call my parents for a visit to the principal.  After her warning, I brought books on Greek Mythology to class and spent my time in the back reading.  My teacher didn't care because at least it shut me up.

Let's face it, I was a seriously troubled kid.  Seeing her only child struggle badly in school broke my mother's heart.  On the advice of her psychiatrist, Mom was convinced my best chance was to attend a private school that would challenge me.  Unfortunately St. John's was way too expensive for my father's middle-class salary.  Dad, a notorious spendthrift, immediately objected.  That forced Mom to play her trump card.  "You want your divorce, Jim?  Pay up or I'll make things messy for you and your mistress." 

Ultimately my mother blackmailed my father into paying tuition to my elite private school for three years.  I was doomed to pay a heavy price for the privilege of attending my elite private school.  Dad had been a caring father up to that point, but once the home-wrecking secretary came along, he pretty much abandoned me.  I saw him for lunch a couple times a year and that was the extent of it.  I was not permitted to call him at home or work and he never called me.  My mother had a nervous breakdown and left me to fend for myself much of the time. 

Make no mistake about it, my father's Affair ruined my life.  It had taken me the past 20 years to overcome the damage caused by his abandonment.  It is a father's duty to teach his son how to deal with criticism and how to stand up to bullies.  Oh, well, so much for that.  As my saga has made clear, my inability to relate to the wealthy students at St. John's caused profound problems in later life.  Lacking any sort of parental guidance, the rich kids at the school bested me in one social situation after another.  It is also a father's job to teach his son when to keep his mouth shut.  Witness my problems in grad school.  With a non-existent father and wacko mother, I faced dilemmas at school without encouragement or guidance.  My problems prevented me from developing the social skills necessary to charm pretty girls, make friends, and deal with authority.  Unable to cope, I developed feelings of inferiority and turned into a loner.  I speak often of my Epic Losing Streak.  This is how it started.  Thanks, Dad.

Imagine what it was like to spend nine years being the underdog at St. John's.  Every day of my childhood was spent going to battle the smartest, most privileged kids in the city with one hand tied behind my back.  No wonder I lacked confidence.  Darya's haughtiness reminded me of those rich kids who contributed to my sense of social inferiority.  Ergo my bad mood here at the country club.  Those sad memories were sobering thoughts as I wrestled with my out of control libido. 

Suddenly I was hit with a massive realization.  As luck would have it, I was in the exact same position as my father's mistress had been.  Victoria had a small child.  I was perfectly positioned to ruin the daughter's childhood in much the same way my father's mistress had ruined mine.  Did Victoria have the slightest idea what an Affair would do to her daughter?  I would not wish my childhood Fate on any kid and certainly not on little Stephanie.  Sick to my stomach, I would detest myself if I repeated my father's mistake.  However, as things stood, that was exactly the direction I was headed. 

Let me be clear about something.  Although Victoria was the aggressor, I was far from pure.  No matter how much I disliked this woman, three nights ago my lofty morals had turned to mush when Victoria got too close.  As I sat alone by the pool, my temptation and my conscience were engaged in a serious wrestling match.  My heart wanted to do the right thing, but my body disagreed.  My desire was so strong that I felt helpless to resist if Victoria got too close.  I could not bear the thought of letting Victoria win this test of wills, but right now I felt like a fish on a hook being reeled in.  "Rick, it's not too late.  Just say no!"  Surely you judge me.  Go right ahead!  I don't blame you.  Considering the threat of damage to this young girl's life, one would think I could control myself.  But I am here to tell you that it is not as easy to resist temptation as one might think.  It is so easy to know the right thing to do when there is no pressure.  Unless you have been in the same situation as me, no one will ever understand just how difficult a sex drive is to control.

At that moment, the oddest thing happened.  My ears perked up when Victoria and Darya's conversation drifted onto the topic of sex.  Victoria and Darya were having a grand time.  Laughing their heads off, no doubt their steady supply of daiquiris contributed to the merriment.  The girls were getting royally drunk.  To be honest, Darya was so drunk I think she forgot I was even there.  Out of sight, out of mind.  Or maybe she didn't care.  Since Victoria had told Darya I knew about the affair, she had no reason to be on guard.

Since the girls had no idea how loud their voices were, I had no trouble overhearing the risqué chatter that followed.  The moment Darya began talking about her affair with Roberto, I became privy to a highly indiscrete conversation. 

Giggling and highly amused, Darya revealed that several women at this club were having affairs.  Apparently having an affair was the thing to do among these bored and pampered women.  Darya made it sound like it was some sort of status symbol for women of leisure to take a lover.  I was shocked to hear Darya laugh so casually about cheating on her husband.  Darya's words dripped with contempt any time she spoke of the man.  This was all just a game to her. 

I had never heard a more cynical description of the joys of fooling around.  Darya's jaded comments about adultery upset me greatly.  Given my values, it was disgusting to hear that marriage was such a joke to this spoiled, over-privileged winner of the genetic lottery. 

Perhaps I was overly idealistic about the tradition of marriage, but I believed in one man and one woman uniting together to create a family.  Call me naive, but I believed in commitment where spouses look out for one another and face life's challenges as teammates.  I also believed marital fidelity was the absolute foundation of trust.  Consequently it was tough to hear how hilarious it was for Darya to fool her husband.  I had no idea what this man had done to deserve this unfaithful wretch, but I felt sorry for him. 

Meanwhile Darya was relentless with the smart-ass remarks.  It was so sexy to have her horny football coach available to do her bidding.  All Darya had to do was whistle and Coach Robbie would run panting to her bedside like a dog in heat.  Darya guffawed loudly as she told Victoria how lucky she was to have a big stud to satisfy her.  Darya used moaning sound effects to describe her earth-shattering orgasms... "oh yes, oh yes, faster, faster, don't stop, oh my God I'm gonna come!"

Darya threw up her hands in a mock gesture of helplessness.  "Oh, Victoria, I don't know what I'm going to do.  I know I'm terrible.  Marriage might be a fine institution for some people, but I'm not ready for an institution." 

As Darya bragged on and on about her football coach lover, I was reminded of my suspicion that Victoria's recent boldness might have something to do with Darya's encouragement.  Darya was so biting with her catty descriptions that Victoria could not stop laughing.  I could not help but ask if Victoria's relentless pursuit was a way to keep pace with her naughty girlfriend.  I was angry.  Darya's racy conversation had touched a very raw nerve.  How could I forget how Vanessa's cheating six years ago had caused the greatest heartache of my life?  For that matter, what about Patricia?  As Fate would have it, only two short months ago I had been treated to the sight of Patricia's revolving door of lovers.  Vanessa, Patricia, Darya.  Now that Victoria seemed headed down the same treacherous path, I half-suspected Darya had put Victoria up to it.  Victoria had never been sexually aggressive towards me before.  Previously we had never touched beyond dancing or a brief hand hold.  What else could explain Victoria's unexpected lunge into my arms?  Always the competitive one, what better way to score points with this rich bitch than a matching love affair with the Playboy dance teacher?  No doubt at their next poolside chat, Victoria could share stories of panting breathlessly in the back seat of her car.  For that matter, why wait?  There was a convenient private changing cabana next to the pool.  Who knows, one more drink and she might just lure me over there. 

At this point, I sneaked a peek at the two women.  Sure enough, Victoria was flush with excitement.  It was written all over her face.  She was licking her lips with that wild eyed look of arousal.  Noting how Darya's scandalous sex talk had turned her on, I was beyond disgusted.  I recalled the heartache Vanessa had caused me with her cheating ways.  It took me four years to get that woman out of my system!  I recalled how Patricia punished me by pursuing other men any time she didn't get her way.  Now Darya was giving my tormentor a pep talk on the joys of fooling around.  Can't anybody be faithful??  After an afternoon of listening to Darya's crap, go ahead and ask how much trust I had in women at the moment.  Thanks to this obscene conversation, my resolve came flooding back.  Fed up with my audition as Victoria's lover, I promised myself I would do better.  But could I keep my promise?  I had my doubts.

Sunday EVENING, AUGUST 12, 1979, the disco years THE SACRED OATH

Unable to get the memory of my father's Affair out of my mind, I gave my poolside revelation some serious thought.  In my mind, Victoria had pulled a bait and switch.  She had tempted me with the promise of a serious relationship, but what she really wanted was to compete with Darya for the crown of Miss Adultery.  What was wrong with Victoria?   This wasn't her.  I believed that deep down, Victoria was a decent, moral woman.  I knew her poolside laughter was caused by too much alcohol plus listening to the wrong person.  But was it too late to turn back?  There had been so much build-up of sexual tension, fearing another betrayal by my desire, I was not sure there was any way I could put a stop to this. 

I am going to say something that will offend some people... and I apologize for that... but I am not sure how else to put this.  In the age-old struggle between Good and Evil, Evil has more than held its own.  It is no secret that throughout time various priests and church goers alike have known right from wrong, but failed miserably nonetheless. 

I am not saying everyone gives in, but over the centuries Temptation has come out the winner way too many times.  Why is that?  I know the answer.  Thanks to my miserable experience during Victoria's Moonlight Madness, I learned the hard way that passion triumphs willpower with the greatest of ease no matter how much we swear we will never let this happen. 

Chapter after chapter I have stated my determination to resist Victoria, but the moment she threw herself at me in the car, the ecstasy was so powerful I could not help myself.   They always say "use your head, think about it before it's too late", but that is bullshit.  Victoria demonstrated my resistance was useless in the clutch due to overwhelming passion.  However, I will say one thing in my defense.  Victoria caught me off guard.  Would I do better the next time?  Surely there was a way to strengthen my resolve.

That is when a novel idea struck.  What about Prayer?  At the time, I could not think of ever saying a prayer before.  Oh, sure, plenty of off-hand wishes, but never an out-and-out "God, I am in trouble, please help me."  If ever there was a time to give it a shot, this was it.  Right there at the pool I put my hands together and prayed to God to release me from temptation.  I told God I did not seek an Affair with Victoria and asked Him to protect me from the immense power of her persuasion. 

"God, I do not want to have an Affair with Victoria.  I think it is wrong.  I have reached the conclusion that Victoria is not the right woman for me.  I also believe these strange dance accidents are a sign that You do not approve of our relationship.  However, I fear that temptation will overwhelm me.  Therefore I am making a sacred vow to You that I wish to avoid making this mistake.  Please remove my temptation."

I did not just pray for myself.  I prayed Victoria would come to her senses and reopen her heart to Michael before it was too late.  Her marriage needed to be saved.  Otherwise her daughter might become just as screwed up as me.  I told God I would not wish my childhood Fate on Stephanie for all the gold in the world.  When I finished, the most amazing thing happened.  In a flash, the temptation was gone.  I didn't want Victoria anymore.  Was my prayer answered?  Or had Darya's disgusting conversation and the memory of my father's affair worked wonders on my resolve?  To me, it seemed like the prayer made the ultimate difference.  I had been weak, but now a sense of steel magically returned to my willpower.  I suddenly felt invulnerable.  Grateful for the lucky break that had allowed me to listen to the lurid poolside conversation, I vowed to put a total halt to any further thought of having an affair with Victoria.  However, that is when something strange happened.

At the exact moment I told myself I was safe from further worry, a terrible warning thought suddenly crossed my mind.  I assumed that removing temptation would solve my problem.  However a whisper from some far corner of my mind suggested the affair would happen anyway.  I was stunned.  Something told me that no matter how hard I tried to avoid this Affair, I would have it anyway.  I was shaken to the core of my being.  This warning felt so much like a Premonition, instantly my mind raced to the story of Oedipus, the ancient Greek who swore to the Gods he refused to fulfill his terrible prophecy.  Only one problem... his prophecy came true.  What about me? 

I was very shaken by the Premonition.  Would my fear come true as well?  Today I had made a solemn vow never to touch Victoria.  Could I keep my promise or was I just as powerless as Oedipus to avoid my Fate?  Angry, I became determined to defy God.  Considering my temptation had vanished, I swore there was NO WAY IN HELL I WOULD EVER CONSENT TO HAVE SEX WITH VICTORIA.

And what did God have to say about it?  Nothing.  Silence.  In the absence of any further disturbing thoughts, I calmed down and decided it had to be some idle fear talking.  Now that my temptation was gone, what did I have to worry about?  Victoria had lost her last remaining weapon.  Given the strength of my determination, I decided I was safe.  Even God could not sink this ship.  Or so I thought.

You think I am making this up, don't you?  I am not making this up.  I will swear on the Bible the story of my Premonition is true.

LIMBO MONTH ONE MONDAY, OCTOBER 8, 1979, the WESTERN years PICKING UP THE PIECES

I suppose U-Turn Weekend was the longest two days of my life.  I was totally drained.  As if the drama of Victoria's decision to move home was not enough, Jennifer's "Just keep your pants on" rebuke had caused a day-long consideration of Fate and Cosmic Blindness.  I was convinced something extraordinary had taken place in my life, but who was I going to talk to about it?  No one. 

I remained alone with my thoughts all day Sunday.  But it was Monday now, October 8.  Time to get back to work.  Time to move on.  Time to seize the day by the horns.  Yeah, right.  As if I cared.  I cannot recall a time when I was more deflated or depressed. 

I wondered if I had any future with Jennifer.  I guess I would just have to find out.  As for Victoria, she claimed that having slept together and lived together was justification enough to assume we were romantically tied together in perpetuity.  Given the profound "sacrifice of her marriage" on my behalf, this gave her the right to demand exclusive control of my loyalty.  In other words, no Madame X!  And no Madame Y and Z for that matter.  I belonged completely to Victoria.  Any violation of her dictate would result in the publication of the oft-threatened Blackmail letter.  Say goodbye to the studio.  

What studio?  The dance studio was a mere shell of its former self.  Every night required a supreme effort of will to show up and teach small classes ranging from 6 to 12 students.  Sad to say, the students knew the clock was ticking, but they were determined to stick it out to the end just like I was.  It was so depressing to go through the motions every night.  I was reminded of a science-fiction story titled On the Beach.  A submarine surfaces in Australia following a nuclear holocaust that has already claimed most of the world's population.  Australia has been spared so far due to its remote location, but it is just a matter of time till the tide winds bring the radiation to their shores.  And so every day becomes a death watch.  That is more or less how I felt whenever I entered the studio.

What was there to hope for?  Country-Western perhaps, but given the intensity of my depression, I would rather just blow it off and move on to another job.  As for my relationship with Victoria, that was kind of curious.  The moment she moved home, she completely lost interest in me.  She still kept tabs on me, but only in a distracted way.  Victoria was content to limit face to face contact to Car Talk following Tuesday and Thursday classes.  A quick Black Magic Woman mind scan was all she needed to know I was being a good boy (not by choice).  At least Victoria had something to live for, her daughter Stephanie.  I envied her.  The rest of her time she spent arguing with Michael.  That much I did not envy.

And what did Michael have to say about all of this?  Boy, I wish I knew the answer to that.  I wanted to explain my side of the story to him, but I was so convinced Michael hated my guts, I decided not to say anything.  I assumed Victoria had fed him a pack of lies about how I had caused all this, so I doubted he would listen with an open mind.  It was easier to say nothing and remain the villain.

LIMBO MONTH ONE MONDAY, OCTOBER 8, 1979, the WESTERN years lunch with jennifer

Jennifer agreed to meet for lunch on Monday, October 8.  We continued the conversation from two days earlier at her apartment.  Jennifer asked me to explain in more detail what went through my mind when Victoria appeared on my doorstep. 

This was going to be tricky.  Should I give Jennifer my Mystical explanation?  "Victoria and I had Karma to deal with from a previous incarnation."  Would she buy it?  No, probably not.  Jennifer would have suggested I go find a Hindu and ask her to be my next girlfriend.  Jennifer already thought I had lost my mind, so best not give her further ammunition.  If I could not discuss Cosmic Blindness, I guess I should stick to a Realistic explanation.  Should I confront Jennifer again about her ridiculous "Go to Victoria, she needs you" statement?  No, considering my flimsy hold on Jennifer, this was not the time to bring up her destructive role in creating my predicament. 

Should I tell Jennifer that for a brief moment I had a flicker of hope that the old Sunshine Victoria had returned?  As we spoke in my living room, Victoria had said, "I am talking about what could happen if best friends became lovers and allowed things to develop.  I cannot live the rest of my life in peace without taking this chance.  I have to know what will happen if we open ourselves up to loving each other."

I cringed at the memory.  There were two doors that opened that night, my front door and the door to my heart.  For that one brief moment in time, I decided to trust Victoria was completely sincere about her wish to live with me.  It was those words that persuaded me that perhaps there was a chance for Victoria and me after all.  To be honest, Victoria's little speech had a ring of sincerity to it or I would have never cooperated.  Try to imagine the disappointment I felt when it turned out to be a complete sham.  However, I could not tell Jennifer how Victoria's words had somehow reached my heart.  That would be the end of all hope with Jennifer. 

And so I was left with Victoria's deception as the only place to begin.    "This is difficult to explain, Jennifer, but Victoria told me she had left Michael to move in with me.  She said that bold move alone should prove how much she loved me.  Based on what she said, I was convinced she was serious.  However, the moment we had sex, she broke into hysterical tears.  She had just realized she had made a terrible mistake.  After a week to think it over, she turned around and moved home."

"If she had no intention to stay, then why was she there in the first place?"

"This is very complicated, but I had pressured her to make up her mind that same morning.  She had raised  the possibility of moving in with me several times in September.  I was afraid of losing you, so I issued an Ultimatum.  I basically told her to fish or cut bait, that I was sick of waiting.  I told her she till the end of Monday to make up her mind or I was leaving her.  Which of course Victoria understood to mean that I was leaving her for you.  She decided that was unacceptable."

Jennifer winced.  "Tell me again what your Ultimatum said."

"I said move in with me today or leave me alone from here on out.  I was so certain she would never dream of moving in with me that I felt safe offering her a choice.  To my consternation, she actually told Michael she was leaving him.  Or at least that's what she told me.  To be honest, I am not sure what is going on between them.  What I do know is that Victoria was miserable at my house.  She was locked in grief the entire week.  It was clear from the outset that she had made a serious mistake."

"I still think you were ridiculous to put the offer of living together in writing, but it's too late now.  Do you believe she lied to you about moving in?"

"Yes, definitely.  I am convinced she spent all of Monday night in some sort of desperate argument with Michael.  I am almost certain that at some point he threw up his hands and said, "If you really want him that much, then go.  I'm not going to stop you.'"

"Did Michael really say that?"

"I have no idea, but I am sure he was at his wit's end.  I suppose he said something like that out of exasperation.  That's all Victoria needed to hear.  She threw her toothbrush in a suitcase and got in her car.  It was a rash, impetuous move born of desperation.  Personally, I think the woman was out of her mind."

"It sounds to me like a last-minute hasty decision."

"I agree.  Every morning she left at dawn to return to home to care for her daughter.  If she was serious about moving in, at some point she would have discussed with me some arrangements for her daughter to come to my house for a visit.  Not one word.  Furthermore her actions during the week were indicative that she had no intention of sticking around."

"Why would she deceive you?" 

"Victoria is extremely competitive.  I don't think her pride could allow her to lose to you, so she made an impulsive move at the last possible moment.  She wasn't thinking clearly.  It is difficult to see Victoria as a sympathetic figure, but I do feel sorry for her.  I am not sure she is in touch with Reality.  I still hate her, but not as much as I did last week."

"I don't feel one bit of sympathy.  I think she is a monster.  Now explain again why you had sex with her.  Previously you told me you were dead set against any kind of sexual relationship."

"I am so sorry I did that.  I was not thinking clearly.  In my mind, I thought by agreeing to let Victoria stay, I had lost you forever.  It never occurred to me to postpone having sex when she insisted.  You have my profound apology for being so stupid."

"Spare the apology.  The entire subject upsets me terribly.  However, what do you mean when you say she insisted?"

"Victoria is very cunning.  Throughout our relationship, I had repeatedly said I refused to have sex behind Michael's back.  However, as a way to pacify, I would always add if she separated from Michael and he knew Victoria was moving in with me, I would consider a relationship.  So she brought over an empty suitcase and used it to fool me into thinking she was serious.  I think she deliberately rushed into sex because she knew that would obligate me to break it off with you and force me to remain committed to her."

"That is plausible.  But what kept you from seeing what she was up to?"

"That is a tough question.  I guess I was in shock.  Honestly, Jennifer, I was so upset at the thought of losing you that I was not thinking straight.  I figured that I was permanently stuck with Victoria, so what difference did it make.  In my mind, she was here to stay.  If not Monday night, then Tuesday or Wednesday.  It was going to happen eventually, so when Victoria took her clothes off and got into bed, I figured let's get it over with.  Basically I went brain dead.  That's my only excuse.  In my heart, I did not want to do this."

"That was very poor judgment."

"Yes, I know.  It was a huge mistake that I seriously regret.  In my defense, I feel manipulated."

"What do you mean?"

"You've heard of women who get bullied by their bosses to have sex or lose their job.  To be perfectly honest, I thought I had already lost you to Jeff.  If I had been sure of your love that night, Victoria would have never gotten anywhere.  But I could not take the chance of losing both you and my dance career at the same time.  When you boil it down, I had sex to save my job."

Jennifer nodded.  "I doubt I will ever forgive you, but I do see your point.  So what happened afterwards?"

"Victoria fell to pieces the moment we finished.  She went crazy with grief.  'What have I done, what have I done!'  My guess is that Victoria had just discovered Michael meant a heck of a lot more to her than she realized.  In her haste to obligate me to her, she had just thrown away her marriage to a fine man.  She was crying like she had lost Michael forever."

"You make it sound like Victoria was out of her mind.  But you also told me she was the shrewdest woman you ever met.  Which is it, wise or wacko?

"That is a tough question.  It is easy to assume she is irrational.  She had to know this move invited terrible consequences, but she went through with it anyway.  To me, she committed the most blatant act of self-destruction I have ever witnessed.  I don't have the slightest idea what got into her.  When I spoke with Victoria that morning at the coffee shop and handed her my ultimatum, she knew the score.  She knew she was beaten.  However, sometime during the day she snapped and decided not to give in.  Her decision to confront me on my doorstep was so rash and foolhardy, I believe her judgment was impaired.  Who can say why?  She told me she could not bear the thought of losing me.  Do you know what I think?  I think Victoria is used to getting her way.  She has some sort of sick competitive streak that refuses to let another woman win.  She destroyed Joanne, she destroyed Patricia, now she is hell-bent on destroying you.  Due to her extreme need to dominate, my cynical side suggests her main objective was to get me into bed as fast as possible.  This way she could eliminate you by re-invoking the Blackmail Threat.  Once her mission was accomplished, she moved back home.  The woman deceived me to get her way.  Victoria is nuts, but she is also crafty."

Jennifer shook her head in disgust.

"Victoria's actions don't make much sense to me, but if I had to guess, your assessment is accurate.  She is far too jealous to let another woman have her man.  She thinks you belong to her.  And she will never relinquish you.

Jennifer paused for a second.  "I have a another question and I want a straight answer."

I raised an eyebrow.  "Okay, what's the question?"

"Do you feel guilty?"

I gave Jennifer a curious look.  "Actually no, I don't feel guilty.  I feel regret, but not guilt.  Starting in April I told her repeatedly I would not have an Affair.  However, if she left her husband, yes, then I would be open to a relationship.  I also added many times that I thought saving her marriage gave her a far better chance for happiness than her pursuit of me."

Jennifer glared at me.  "So you feel no responsibility for her decision.  Your position is that she showed up on your doorstep of her own Free Will."

Ouch.  I could not help but recall Victoria's Destiny Letter where she claimed the Universe kept pushing her in my direction.  As far as I was concerned, there was very little Free Will involved on either part.  But that issue was far too controversial to be covered at a time like this, so I evaded it as best I could.

"Let me be clear about something, Jennifer.  No doubt at some point Victoria will run to her father and claim I led her astray.  That is complete bullshit.  From my vantage point, I feel like she bullied me into participation.  She threatened my career and she tricked me by claiming undying love on my Doorstep.  However at the same time I acknowledge I played a key role in ruining her marriage.  So, to answer your question, no, I do not feel guilty, but I do feel some responsibility.  For that reason, I fully intend to see what I can do to repair the damage." 

"Why no guilt?  According to religious doctrine, you have committed a sin."

"Knock it off.  My conscience is clear.  I did everything in my power to avoid this situation.  I made it very clear to Victoria I was not going to have an affair behind Michael's back.  I drew a firm line in the sand on that issue.  I told her she had move out of her house or forget about it.  I said I was tired of waiting.  Jennifer, listen to me.  I never in a million years expected she would do something so foolish.  But she called my bluff.  Good grief, what was she thinking?  By coming to my house, Victoria was throwing away her marriage!!"

"So what is your point?"

"Victoria confirmed Michael knew she was here.  How could she lie about it?  I am positive Michael saw her walk out the door.  Since Michael knew what she was doing, surely he was hurt and jealous.  I am not happy about seeing him get hurt, trust me on that.  Nevertheless, Victoria claimed Michael had given her permission to do this.  According to her, that made her a free agent, Michael's feelings be damned.  And since she had just sacrificed her marriage to be with me, she wanted to make love.  What was I supposed to do?  Hey, I thought she was serious!  I honestly thought she wanted to live with me, work towards a future, get married if things worked out.  Given that mindset, if she wanted to make love and this was the first day of the rest of our lives together, then I might as well give her what she asked for.  We have to start somewhere.  But the moment all hell broke loose, I realized what a chump I had been."

Jennifer said nothing for a while.  Instead she stared absently out a nearby window.  Eventually she turned back to me. 

"Your story is the craziest thing I have ever heard."

"Jennifer, I am sorry I hurt you.  I admit I made a terrible mistake, but for the life of me I never wanted Victoria to call my bluff.  I regret that I fell for the woman's deceit and let her through the door.  Will you please forgive me?  If you will just stand by me through Victoria's turmoil, I will do everything in my power to move my life in a direction away from Victoria.  Let's try again.  Please?"

Jennifer shook her head.

"Not so fast.  I am very wounded.   The way I feel, I am not even remotely ready to try again.  However, I do agree you were tricked.  I even believe you when you say the sex took place under false pretenses.  Victoria saw a way to corner you and took advantage."

"So what is the problem?  If you accept that I am telling the truth, then why can't you forgive me?"

"What bothers me goes much deeper than just your betrayal.  I hate the utter insanity of your day-to-day life.  There is something wrong with Victoria.  What woman in her right mind treats her husband like that?  I have never heard of a woman who bullies her husband to this extent.  She thinks she can get away with anything.  Even if you stand up to her, what good will it do?  This woman takes insane pleasure from controlling you.  She will make your life miserable for a long time to come.  You want to know something?  I really don't want to have any part of it.  The way I feel right now, I want to walk away."

"Don't say that, Jennifer!  Victoria will never set foot in my house again.  She got what she wanted.  She thinks now that I have crossed the line she has some sort of power over me.  But her power is only temporary.  By forcing herself on me, all she did was buy herself a little time.  From now on she will be facing the wrath of Michael.  She will pay a huge price for spending the past week with me."

"Rick, admit it, you don't have the control, she does.  Last Monday you made a huge power play to free yourself, but you are like the tar baby in Uncle Remus.  The harder you struggle, the worse you get stuck in the trap.  Victoria pushes you around like a play toy.  Is that how you want to live your life?  Just explain the end game here.  Can you do that?  I don't think so."

"Jennifer, I understand that you are disgusted by the neverending drama.  But it cannot go on forever.  Michael may be moving out of his home and filing for divorce.  If that happens, Victoria will be preoccupied with watching her daughter full-time.  Without her built-in babysitter, her hands will be tied.  Furthermore she hates Country-Western even more than I do.  When Disco dies, she will let go, I am sure of it.  There will no longer be any spotlight to strive for.  Right now she is letting anger and adrenaline fuel her defiance.  But that cannot last, I am sure of it.  All we have to do is wait her out.  Be patient and stand by me!"

Jennifer shook her head emphatically.

"Rick, you don't understand.  This woman is sick!  Her life is out of control which is a strange thing to say because she is the most controlling woman I have ever heard of.  It could be years before she pulls herself back together.  What's next, Rick?  Do you have any clue what Victoria will do next?  She is unpredictable and dangerous and she is willing to hurt you.  Just look how she treated her husband if you don't believe me.  There is no way you can have a public fight with Victoria and come out unscathed.  Your studio and reputation will be terribly damaged.  With Disco fading, any kind of controversy at all will cause you to lose your dance career completely.  Then what will you do?  Your whole life is wrapped around that dance studio."

"I agree that Victoria is a tough pill to swallow.  But why do you have so little patience?  I promise you her insanity has a time limit.  The death of Disco, the threat of divorce, Michael's possession of the moral high ground, the fear of losing her daughter.  Every one of those factors will take the fight out of her.  Please don't give up!  It is just a matter of time."

"You don't get it, do you?  Let me explain it again, Rick.  You have no answer for Victoria because you are unable to anticipate what she will do next.  You admit her behavior makes no sense.  Since you live your life by logic, you are unable to guess what this crazy woman's plans are.  She blind-sided you with her Blackmail threat, she blind-sided you with her Doorstep trick, and she blind-sided you with what you call her U-Turn.  She will blind-side you again because you don't think like her.  The woman is unstable.  Her insanity will last far longer than you can ever imagine.  Not only that, she loves to spin your life in circles.  She does the same thing to her husband.  I never seen a woman with such power to manipulate.  How she manages to make two men who can't stand her continue to do her bidding is beyond me.  

Listen to me, I don't want to be a part of it!  I'm sorry, Rick, but I can't take all this drama anymore.  I have no tolerance for an enemy like her.  I am an accountant because I prefer a nice, ordered, predictable existence.  I derive great pleasure from adding up columns of figures alone in my office every day.  Your crazy life goes completely contrary to my nature.  I want stability, I want security, I want to feel safe.  I do not wish to spend months and years affected by this bizarre volatility.  I do not like your rollercoaster existence.  I like to be in control and that will never happen with Victoria around always causing trouble.

Yes, I can put my foot down and say she goes or I go, but I don't think that is fair to you.  If you make the slightest mistake in how you get rid of that woman, your career is over.  I don't want that on my conscience.  And I don't see another path that holds real promise.  That is why a major part of me wants out.  Now you know the real reason why I went to see Jeff.  He may be a little boring, but he is more predictable than the phases of the moon.  I like that about him.  I know it hurts you to hear this, but that is how I feel.  I want to jump off the train before the crash.  However, I haven't given up completely.  Let some time pass.  As my emotions calm down, let's see if some of your predictions come true.  We can talk again next week."

I did not leave in a very good mood.  I had hoped Jennifer would offer more promise, but she kept me at arm's length the entire time.  She guarded her heart like Fort Knox.  What bothered me most was seeing her act more like a bank officer than a girlfriend.  Using terms like 'cost', 'risk', and 'return', Jennifer had spent the past hour explaining why she had decided not to invest further romantic capital given our unstable business climate.  Jennifer had analyzed my situation and determined it carried substantial risk versus uncertain return.  In other words, Jennifer had called in the loan on her affection and suspended further investment for the time being. 

I had no one to blame but myself, so I accepted her decision to put our relationship on hold.  Jennifer had left the door slightly ajar, so maybe there was hope, but not much.  Certainly not enough hope to ward off the massive depression that I was mired in.