Jenny blushed.
"Uh, well, yes.
You are the sixth man besides Randy I have been with during this project.
The other five were great guys, but you are totally
different. You take my breath away."
Jenny's
words thrilled me, but they also stung. I had been
tough up to this point, but as the shock wore off, the pain was
starting to creep in.
Losing this woman was going to be really difficult. But maybe I
didn't have to lose her. If we kept talking, maybe Jenny
would change her mind. Unfortunately I didn't like my
odds. Historically, I had always lost the
girl to the Better Man. Here in the 14th year of the Epic
Losing Streak, the Love Triangle Scorecard stood
at Better Man five, Rick zero. But
this time was different. In each of my five defeats, the Better
Man had a clear edge. In this Randy showdown, it felt like
a toss-up,
49-51. I could tell Jenny had a very deep
attachment to me. Her feelings were so intense I might be able to
change her mind. Unfortunately this talk was starting to
really hurt. Although part of me wanted to walk out the
door, I decided to withstand the pain and hang in there.
"Out of curiosity,
are there any rules to Randy's Open Relationship project?"
"Yes, I am
supposed to have Randy's consent if I intend to see a man
more than once."
"Why is that?"
"His theory is
that anyone can have sex once and have the power to break it off even
when the sex is good. But twice is asking for trouble."
"Is he right?"
Jenny shrugged.
"I guess so. I broke it off with the other five guys after
one try and lived to carry on. Actually, once I hooked up again
with one
a couple months later.
He lived in another city and I met him on a business trip. After
the second time it took several weeks to get him out my system.
Sex has a way of creating passion that doesn't always go back in
the bottle on demand. It was really tough
to leave that guy a second time. That's when I decided
Randy was right."
I shook my head in
mild amazement. I was 28 years old. In all this time I
had never heard a woman speak so candidly on such a sensitive
topic. That was one of the reasons I thought Jenny was so
special.
After a pause, Jenny continued.
"Randy insists that I break it off before
feelings can develop. In addition, he says it is not right to carry on an intimate relationship
with another person unless it is with their knowledge and
consent that I am seeing another person. In addition, if I choose to break the
One-Time-Only rule, he wanted to be kept
abreast of how things were developing."
"In other words, you
can have all the one-night stands you desire as long as you
promise not to see the men again. But if you want a guy to stick
around, you have to inform Randy."
Jenny nodded.
"I don't mean to be
rude, but can I assume you discussed me with
Randy prior to inviting me into your arms a second time?"
"No.
He did not know about our first time. I told him
about you after the second time we made love. He
was concerned, but I told him I thought I could pull it off.
I guess that's when he began to worry. He sensed
something in me that maybe I was hiding from myself."
"So why are you
breaking up with me? I thought you had his permission."
"Well, yes, I did,
but when I told Randy I had fallen in love with you, he
flipped out."
I half-laughed,
half-frowned. "Why did you tell him?"
"Oh, Randy
could already tell.
No point in lying about it."
I rolled my eyes. "Are you saying you
can have all the sex you want, but falling in love is against
the rules?"
Jenny had a
rueful smile. It wasn't a happy smile, but rather a grim smile one saves for an ironic situation. "Yeah, something
like that."
I remained
quiet, so Jenny resumed.
"You
have a keen way of spotting the flaws in our
arrangement. I respect Randy
a lot. I don't honestly believe he is using this
project just to get laid a lot although the thought has
crossed my mind. Randy is a very honest guy. I
believe him when he says he continues this because he
is fascinated with the human psyche. We had
been dating off and on for a year when he brought this
arrangement up.
Randy revealed that he had taken a couple lovers during our
first year without telling me about it.
To his surprise, I said I had done the same. So Randy
had an idea. Why not keep track of who we see and share notes?"
Hmm. This Randy
is a
brave guy. Knowing my propensity for jealousy, I could not
imagine pulling this off with a woman like Jenny.
"What do you mean by
'keep track of'? Do you guys actually discuss
each lover in glowing detail? You make it sound like there
is never any pain in this arrangement."
"There were no ground rules in the first year.
Randy and I avoided talking about it when we slept with
other people. He wouldn't call for a while and I
wasn't going to wait around. Randy's a big boy.
He knows my phone number, he knows where I live. In the meantime I had
men asking me out. A couple guys were interesting so I
let things develop. One day
about a year into our off-and-on thing, Randy said he had
something to talk about. Randy said when he had driven past my house the other night,
he saw someone's car outside my house. Randy had gotten the distinct
feeling I was with someone else. I didn't see any
point in lying about it, so I told him the truth. I
expected him to walk out, but to my surprise he
stayed.
Randy said he
had a confession to make. Over the past year, he had
been seeing a couple of women in addition to me.
However, he always felt guilty. Then he admitted he had
developed strong feelings for me. When Randy said
that, I laughed awkwardly because I felt guilty too.
I have never been fond of this 'love the one you're with'
strategy. Back when I was married, I was faithful."
"Is this your way of
saying you have a hidden monogamous streak?"
Jenny winced.
"You can really be a jerk sometimes."
I nodded, but said
nothing.
"At any rate,
that's when I told Randy I never knew he liked me that much.
When Randy got the
strangest look on his face, I thought he was
going to ask me to go steady. If he had, I would have
said yes. That's what I wanted all along,
but it isn't my style to give hints. Instead Randy blew my mind when he suggested we continue to see
each other but deliberately take lovers on the side.
He wanted to openly discuss our sexual experiences and
share how we felt about them."
"Sounds risky. How well did it work?"
"Actually it
worked pretty well. I like sex a lot better when I
don't have to feel guilty. Plus they were nice guys,
guys I met on business trips, you know, one-night stands and
sometimes a little fooling around in the morning.
I wasn't lonely afterwards because I had Randy as my center.
Other than my second chance with that one guy, I never came close to developing feelings for the other men.
Here today, gone tomorrow.
It was fun to have recreational sex with some very interesting men."
I frowned.
This was the first time a woman had ever spoken candidly to me about the joys of sexual
variety. I felt very
jealous hearing this from my lover, but maybe I could learn something. "So why did you
develop feelings for me and not those other guys?"
"When
I met you I broke a
personal rule. Previously I made sure not to
mess around with men from Houston whom I was attracted to.
Too complicated. But I had a thing for you. I
liked the way you moved in dance
class. I liked your sense of humor. You made some wry comments that
really tickled me. I had already decided to avoid you because you interested me
too much.
But when you smiled at me, you caught me totally off guard.
I felt an instant connection, so I stuck around to see what
you would do. If you hadn't walked over, I would not
have returned the following week. That is because you had danger
written all over you.
But when you tracked me down before I could leave, I was a
goner."
"Don't blame me.
It's your own fault for smiling back. Let me ask you a
question, Jenny. During your experiment, don't you ever
get jealous of Randy?"
"No, not
really. I
haven't gotten too jealous so far. I guess I'm not the
jealous type. It's the old Mae West line, as long as
I'm getting mine, I don't worry about someone else. Maybe Randy picked me for that reason. Whatever Randy is
up to, he always comes back and shares what he has
learned. His stories are far more interesting than
the typical boyfriend-girlfriend conversation. But, yeah, I feel a twinge from time to time.
However, he never seems particularly gaga over the other
women, so I don't care. I just make sure I'm having my
own
fun. If I am going to share my
boyfriend, I am going to get something out of the
deal. I like not having to feel guilty. Even better, I
don't feel used. What's fit for the goose
is fit for the gander."
"What about Randy?
Does he get jealous of you?"
"Well, not
so far, at least not till
you came along. Randy is mad at me because I
let things go too far with you and jeopardized his precious experiment.
How dare I break his ground rule? I was supposed to
break it off the moment I had feelings for you.
This was never a problem before.
I guess the difference is that business trips are flings,
temporary. When a guy is in a different city, that makes
it so much easier to disengage. My mistake was
meeting a guy who works less than a mile away. I guess
having you in my arms one time too many pushed
me over the cliff. So now Randy is
angry because I waited too long to tell him how serious I am about
you."
"You're kidding,
yes? Randy expects you to check in and let him
take your romantic temperature? Not very realistic."
"Yes, I
agree. I think it is a stupid rule. When I have
sex, I want to enjoy myself. If I want to have sex
with a man, I don't want to phone Randy and ask permission to have an orgasm."
I smiled. Interesting way of
putting it. "Did you ever get around to telling any of these other
guys
about Randy?"
"No.
Things never heated up to the point
where I thought it mattered. It is recreational sex,
Rick. I enjoy it for what it is."
"So what about me?
Was I recreational?"
"If you
remember, we didn't make love till the third date. You
were not a pickup, you were someone I wanted to get to
know."
Ouch. The
longer this talk lasted, the more it hurt. "When were you planning to tell me about Randy?"
"I was going to have to tell you about Randy sooner or later,
but I wanted to wait till I knew better which direction we
were headed.
However Randy accelerated my time frame by confronting me
tonight. I never expected he
was going to pull this stunt."
"How did Randy find
out?"
"Randy lives
down the street not far from here. He won't admit it,
but I think he drives by my
house every night on his way home from work. I suppose
he kept count of the number of nights your car was parked out
front. Damn it. I should have told you to park around the
corner. I didn't think I had to be sneaky about this."
"Unless I am
missing something, you would prefer to let things continue."
Jenny nodded, but
said nothing. Instead she squeezed the living daylights
out of her pillow. We were both in a lot of pain.
"So tell me again
what the rule is. If either of you develops feelings for
someone else, then you are supposed to report it to the other
person."
"Yes, that's
pretty much it. But I wasn't going to tell Randy.
I was enjoying you too much."
"So what about me?
If you told me about Randy, were you going to give me permission to pursue other women?
I mean, if you can have Randy, would I receive similar
rights? Tell you what, maybe I should join the experiment. Let's say I get a second girlfriend tomorrow. Would that
help? You could tell Randy that I have balanced the
boy-girl equation as a way to
cool things down to an acceptable intensity level."
"There you
go being an asshole again."
I gave her a wicked
smile. "Hey,
I have an idea. I want to join the experiment. Why not? Get
Randy on the phone and tell him I've agreed to go 'Bob and Ted'
with you and him.
Have you ever had a four-way?"
Thanks to the movie Bob, Ted,
Carol and Alice, it was supposedly fashionable to swap
and share lovers.
As I expected, Jenny knew I what I
was referring to. "Rick, you can be so annoying. I've
decided you know too much about me."
"I am not
serious. I have no
desire to swap you for anyone. I would prefer to keep you. However, since I've
already been given my walking papers, why not get a few digs
in?"
Jenny didn't answer.
It upset her to be told how much I cared about her. She took a deep breath and tried to settle down. She was
struggling to maintain control. That made two of us.
"So I have another
question. Why didn't you tell
me at the start? Three weeks is a long time to keep
me in the dark."
"I didn't tell you because
I didn't want to take the chance that you would hit the
road. I didn't want to lose you."
"So why lose me
now?"
When Jenny said nothing,
I continued.
"I suppose Vanessa
felt the same way. She didn't want to lose me either, but she handled it in a very evil way.
Incidentally, I very much appreciate your willingness to continue this
difficult conversation. Here is my problem. I don't
think you want to let go of me. Put your foot down and tell Randy you are not
ready to choose. I don't want
to leave. Nor do I think Randy is being fair. Based
on the rules of your game, you had every right to see me.
What gives Randy the right to
change the rules and insist that you pick? I bet he's
bluffing. If you asked for more time, I bet he'd give it
you."
Again Jenny said
nothing, but I could tell she was reconsidering her decision.
"Listen, Jenny, I want to
stick around. If I have to share you with Randy, I will
take that over losing you completely."
I took a long, deep
breath. Considering my jealous streak, I couldn't believe
I had said that. But I meant it. I was willing
to share this woman if it meant seeing her again. Instinct
suggested Jenny liked me better. That
gave me the courage I needed to fight for her. The longer
this three-way continued, I might just get the upper hand.
Wasn't it about time Cupid's arrow flipped in my
direction for a change? Wouldn't it be nice if Jenny would
commit to me and put an end to this
Epic Losing Streak?
Jenny decided to
speak. "You know what? I agree
with you. I begged Randy not to force me
to choose. I said I needed more time. I told him
it was too
soon in my relationship with you to make a decision."
Oh my goodness.
That hurt, but it proved my hunch was correct.
Jenny saw long-term potential in me. Maybe I did not have to come in
second after all. At this point, I took my pulse.
I was hurting, but I wasn't devastated. To be honest, I was not
completely blind-sided by tonight's bad news. Burn me
once, shame on you, burn me twice, shame on me. Ever since
Vanessa, I was no longer quite so naive. I had dated Jenny
knowing there might be other guys in the picture. I mean,
one look at her was enough to remind me to be careful.
Convinced Jenny knew her way around men, I had deliberately
kept my guard up. However, Jenny was too good at this.
So far nothing suspicious had crossed my radar.
My former therapist Gaye had opened my eyes on this issue. After
I spoke
about Vanessa one day, Gaye said at the
start of any relationship I should be ready for unwelcome surprises.
Gaye explained that pretty girls usually have several men to
choose from. Like ice cream, they taste a some of
each and eventually decide which flavor they like the best.
I decided Gaye was right. So to protect myself,
I assumed from the start Jenny might be seeing
someone else in addition to me. What a shame I was proven
correct. This situation
with Jenny was
very similar to Vanessa. Jenny wanted to have both men just
like Vanessa and had chosen not to warn me. I was upset
at myself. Long ago I swore I would never let
myself be deceived again and yet I had let it happen anyway.
Then I changed my mind. Why be so hard on myself? At a
certain level, I had a sixth sense that someone else might be in the picture. I had simply chosen not to act
on my suspicion because it was too early in the relationship.
As I sat in Jenny's
living room, I did my best to keep my jealousy under control.
I wasn't as stupid as I used to be. I once lost my temper with
Rachel over Aaron. Based on that experience, I knew damn
well if I let my jealoousy show, the game was over. The better
strategy was to stay cool. I believed if we kept talking
in a reasonable way, Jenny might change her mind. There was no
longer any doubt she preferred me to Randy.
But that made no sense! If she preferred me, then why had
she chosen Randy? Rather than chew Jenny out
for deceiving me, I decided to learn more first. You
never know, maybe I would face this same problem again some day.
Why not let Jenny educate me on the subject?
"Jenny, you might be
surprised to know that I agree it is possible for someone to
care deeply for two lovers at the same time. Although I
personally have never had two lovers at the same time, I have
dated women with other lovers five
times.
Anytime you have a triangle, the
problem arises when your two lovers discover each other.
Am I
correct?"
Jenny nodded.
"Yes, that is what happened to us. As long as you and
Randy remained separate, there was no problem. When Randy
found out I had feelings for you, things became
unstable."
"I was
angry at being deceived by Vanessa. And very hurt. I
was hurt because I
did not feel important any more. Then I felt used. I
know all about these angles because I lived it with Vanessa. Vanessa wanted
Kenny and me at the same time. Vanessa decided the only
way she could
have us both was lie about it. There is no doubt she
would have lost one or both of us if we had known the truth.
So I have to hand it to you for having the guts to explain what
is going on. Now tell me what Randy said to you. If
Randy
is so
clever about open relationships, then why did he force you to
choose?"
I stared at Jenny
while she thought about her answer. I was
curious what she would say. Personally, I believed Jenny
and Randy were flirting with same danger Mark had faced
years ago. Is a Triangle ever successful? One person
is bound to lose. As an example, I lost
Vanessa to Kenny. Mark lost
both Sean and Mariah. These were strange times we were living in.
When you play with fire, sometimes it backfires.
Can't anybody settle down with anybody? Have the Swinging
Seventies made it impossible to be faithful to one person?
"Randy got
jealous. That has never happened before."
"What did you
tell him to cause that?"
"I made the
mistake of telling Randy the truth. I told him you are
practically a carbon copy of him, only younger. I said
the same things that had attracted me to him now attracted
me to you. I said I liked your searching attitude and your willingness to share your
doubts and dreams with me. I told Randy you reminded me of him
with your openness. I thought Randy would take that as
a compliment, but instead he turned white. That is
when Randy
became scared to death of losing me to you. I
never knew it before, but Randy can be insecure too.
Randy confessed he visualized you as a flashier and more
vigorous version of himself. I didn't have the heart
to tell him he was right."
Ouch. Jenny's
words were hitting way too close to home. I had just realized
that Jenny was probably what people refer to as my 'Soul Mate'.
This woman and I clicked on the deepest level I had ever
experienced. Her brutal honesty was painful, but it was
also impressive. So far I had been brave, but now I was
weakening. I wasn't crying, but my eyes were moist at
the thought of losing her. Some girl once told
me there is always another fish in the sea. Maybe so, but I wasn't so sure
there was another fish quite like Jenny. The words to a Lou
Rawls song popped into my head... "You'll never find another
love like mine." Jenny already had another love like mine. Since I
was stuck holding the short end of the stick, I
guess I would be forced to begin the lonely search
again. It hurt like hell
knowing I was headed back to Heartbreak Hotel. Well, maybe
not. I still had a chance.
"What
happened to Randy's free love philosophy?"
"Apparently you
blew it to pieces. As long as Randy shared me
sexually, he could handle that. But once he found out
that you and I had a mental connection, he freaked
out. I think the thing that hurt him the most was when
I pointed out you are just as smart as he is. Not only
did that hurt his ego, for the first time ever he was afraid
of losing me. Somehow
Randy never believed I would find someone as good or better
than him. As a result he is losing his
mind with jealousy. I really don't know. I wish
now I had not been so candid. Maybe if I had fibbed a
little I could have avoided the big showdown. But I
thought I was doing what he wanted me to do. Randy
said this experiment isn't about sugar-coating things.
He wants the truth. So I gave it to him and Randy
discovered he couldn't handle it."
"If I hear you
correctly, Randy's personal Harrad Experiment is
over?"
Jenny laughed
again, that same bittersweet rueful chuckle.
"Yes, I think
so. Randy realized what he cherished
the most was my regard for his genius. Randy
knew that no matter how many guys I slept with, he was still
the special one. You took that away from him.
Right now, he is ridiculously jealous of you. He says
he lies awake at night visualizing me having sex with you
and laughing at your insights and clever little quips.
It isn't the sex, it is the witty pillow talk that rankles
him. He worries
that you fascinate me just as much as he does, maybe even
more. He
doesn't feel special any more and it's killing him."
I nodded. That
made sense. We all need to feel special. I remembered
how Rachel took my feelings of 'special' away when she
had sex with Aaron, the Rice professor. Unfortunately,
Triangles never work, at least not in my opinion. Someone
always loses. I am
skeptical that humans are genetically-wired to share, but they
always seem to try anyway. It must be human nature for everyone to
want their cake and eat it too. That's when they learn
the hard way that sharing lovers inevitably leads to heartbreak.
"Jenny, now that I
know what is going on, what if I consented to a Triangle?
What if I said that I accept this pre-existing situation and
I would be willing to share you with Randy? What would
you say to that?"
Jenny shook her head
'no' in frustration.
"It
wouldn't work. Believe it or
not, I asked Randy that same thing. I begged him to at least let
me run this option by you. I
reminded him over and over again it was his dumb idea that
got us in this fix to begin with. How would we learn
anything if we threw in the towel at the first big hurdle?
I told Randy you are different than the other men.
I told him you have the same curiosity about the human mind
as him, so maybe you would give it a try."
"What did he
say?"
"Randy said
forget it. He said it was too late to put this genie back
in the bottle. He said he had made a mistake.
This Triangle was deadly and he
couldn't share me. Randy
said keeping me in his life was more important than
this stupid experiment. Given the power of my feelings
for you and how possessive he had suddenly begun to feel,
something had to give. Randy broke down in tears and
said I had to choose between you and him. He said he
couldn't stand sharing me any longer."
"Did Randy offer to
commit to you?"
"Yes. Randy said that
if I chose him, he was ready to become a
one-woman man. He said he had learned his lesson.
Randy said this situation convinced him the ancient rules
were the right path. In the long run, it is better to
have a solid one-to-one monogamous relationship.
Thanks to your arrival in our lives, Randy has changed his
mind. He now believes that deep down humans are not capable of
sharing someone they really really care about."
"In other words,
I ruined his experiment."
"You might say
that. But a better way of saying it is that you taught
him a lesson. He wanted to see if it was possible to
have an open relationship and you taught him that sooner or
later it will lead to intense pain."
I was floored by Jenny's candor. I could not believe the
things she was sharing with me. This was easily the most
remarkable conversation I had ever shared with a woman in my
life. I was also surprised that
Randy had reached the same conclusion about monogamy that I had.
At this point, a wave of futility washed over me. Earlier
I had held out hope, but my gut
had just warned me that Jenny was unlikely to change her mind.
That meant the time
had come to ask the Burning Question. Aching from head to
toe, I decided if I was going to lose this woman, I had to
satisfy my morbid curiosity to find
out why I had come in second. However, it would have to
wait because now it was my turn to cry. Large tears began streaming down
my face. Poor Jenny. She looked mortified. She
wanted to console me, but was not sure that was the best thing
to do.
It took a while to compose myself, but
after a three-minute pause I
resumed my line of questioning. I wasn't going to stop
until I got every single question out of my system.
Meanwhile Jenny had gathered six more pillows for comfort. We were both
miserable.
"So Randy says he
can't share you anymore under any conditions. It's got to
be him or me?"
Jenny nodded yes.
"So here's another
question, Jenny, and I want the truth. Unless you are
just saying these things to soften the blow, I am probably the
more attractive of the two men right now. Is that correct?"
Jenny nodded. "Yes.
Without a doubt. I don't want to lose you."
