September 1971, first semester, senior year, Age 21

disillusionment
 

I left camp totally disillusioned.  It was not Rock Bottom, but it was close.  My success with the kids did little to cheer me up.  I had a hard time envisioning where my penchant for mischief had future value.  They say Life is for Learning.  You can say that again.  I was forced to learn some very tough lessons during my summer at the summer camp.  The three-day drive from Colorado back to Baltimore felt like Napoleon's death march home in the brutal Russian winter.  I was bitter and depressed out of my mind. 

This had been a very strange, very unsettling summer.  I felt totally ashamed of myself.  Due to my admiration for Yogananda, for the past year I had tried very hard to follow a spiritual path.  Now I felt like a victim of my zeal to become a better person.  Having been immersed in the Eastern concept of non-violence for the past year, I had decided it would make me more spiritual to 'turn the other cheek' at all times.  Consequently I had made a vow to never lose my temper.  This was an easy vow to keep at Hopkins.  After all, no one ever bothered me.  However, once Jack noticed I never fought back, he pressed his advantage.  My reluctance to stand up for myself was not related to fear.  I held back due to my spiritual values. 

Although most of the camp counselors left me alone, Jack and his two cronies went far out of their way to make me feel unwelcome.  I was miserable because I had no idea how to handle their daily taunts.  They called me a sissy because I never fought back or argued with them.  Sometimes they called me a child molester, but usually they kept it simple and claimed I must be gay.  I suppose the female counselors had made it known that I never flirted with them.  I guess that's all it took.  Jack's harassment was a painful reminder of the time Harold had called me the Creepy Loser Kid back in high school.  Five years had passed since Harold, but I still did not know how to stand up to boys my own age.  It was painful to discover how little progress I had made in this area.

Emboldened by my apparent cowardice, Jack taunted me unmercifully at every turn.  This forced me to question the wisdom of not standing up for myself.  After three months of backing down to this jerk, my bitterness was out of control.  I wanted to hurt Jack in the worst way.  I couldn't decide who I was angrier at, Jack or myself.  Probably myself.  Disgusted by my decision to never retaliate, I found myself immersed deep in depression. 

That was not my only problem. 

 

September 1971, first semester, senior year, Age 21

the epic losing streak continues
 

September 1971, senior year AT HOPKINS, Age 21

living in the material world
 

"When the moon is in the Seventh House, And Jupiter aligns with Mars, Then peace will guide the planets, And love will steer the stars"

Free love flourished at the dawn of the Age of Aquarius.  Or so they say.  Rumor has it a Sexual Revolution was upon us.  Unfortunately, I wouldn't know.  Trapped in the midst of my Epic Losing Streak, my problems with women had reappeared over the summer.  Sigmund Freud once said the three most common reasons for neurotic behavior were problems with Mother, Sex, and Religion.  I was three for three.  With that in mind, I decided to solve all three at once.  It was time to put a swift end to my spiritual aspirations.

During my long drive back to Maryland, I obsessed over my well-intentioned, but thoroughly misguided decision to walk a 'Spiritual Path'.  Whatever I was doing, it wasn't working.  I had no idea how to cope with the three bullies, I had no idea how to relate to the other camp counselors, and I was a total zero with girls.  And so I returned to Johns Hopkins for my Senior year feeling completely disillusioned.  Disgusted with myself and totally humiliated, it was time to stop worrying about being pure.  Seriously, there was so much wrong with me, I decided to put my spiritual journey on hold and concentrate on doing a better job of living in the Material World.  If that meant fight back, from now on I would fight back.  As for my celibacy issue, the Universe decided to solve that problem for me.  

The moment I returned to Baltimore, I drove directly to Koininia.  This is where my elderly friend Richard from the Quaker Meeting lived.  At least once a week during my Junior year I had driven out to this Christian retreat to join him in morning meditation.  Now I drove there for a different reason.  I wanted to talk to Richard about my dismal summer.  Only one problem.  Richard was not there.  Instead, a very curious thing happened.  Wouldn't you know it, the moment I put my halo away and re-entered the Material World, I met an unusually pretty hippie girl at Koininia.  The moment she smiled at me, I felt the same strange feeling I once had about Prom Queen Cheryl.  I had a strong hunch where this was leading. 

Was this a Supernatural Event?  Given my professed awkwardness around women, the cynical among my Readers might call it a near-miracle.  Let's put it this way.  Koininia was ordinarily a very busy place.  40 or so people lived here, most of them twice Julie's age or older.  How convenient that everyone was gone.  And how very fortunate was the presence of a lonely girl with Woodstock-era attitudes.  And how very curious that I had just spent the past 72 hours on the road debating my celibacy decision.  At the exact moment I discarded my halo, a lovely young woman took a shine to me and solved my problem.  Good grief, I didn't even have to ask.  Given how shy I was, a very fortunate side point.  The perfect timing was not only extraordinary, it was the right thing to do.  

Julie and I dated for a month, but we did not click.  One morning I brought a Quaker friend of mine named Erik to Koininia.  Like me, Julie was a frequent guest at morning meditation.  Erik was even shier than me if that was possible.  I noticed when Julie took an instant liking to Erik.  I did not mind.  She and I were just friends at this point.  Erik and Julie fell in love, so he decided to move to Koininia.  Interesting how the three of us were intertwined.  I added Julie to my growing list of girls who got away.  #7 and counting.

Suspicious

1971-1972, senior year, Age 22

decision to become a therapist
 

My summer difficulties brought a swift end to my search for the meaning of life.  Over the past year I had made up my mind that yes, God exists, yes, Fate exists, and yes, there is a Hidden World.  I had learned what I needed to know, so I turned my attention to my future career as a therapist.  Given the indescribable relief I felt at putting an end to my Spiritual Path, I had a funny feeling the Universe agreed it was time for me to move on.

Now that I was a Psychology major, I made an 'A' in all three of my Psych courses.  This of course filled me with confidence that I had made the right choice to abandon computers.  By taking six courses instead of the usual five, I was able to graduate in December a semester early.  However, I was in no hurry to return to Houston.  I liked my roommates, so during the second half of the school year I got a job supervising the library at a prep school in Baltimore.  I used my free time to teach myself how to type and even tried to learn how to fix my VW Bug on my own.  In the process, I reaffirmed my fear that I had zero mechanical ability.  Oh well.

I intended to apply to graduate school in Clinical Psychology, but first I needed a break from school.  I decided to sit out the following school year as a way to recharge my batteries.  I hate to say it, but my years at Hopkins had taken a serious toll on my nerves.  Fortunately, Senior year was as ho-hum as it could possibly be.  No dramas, no problems with women.  I briefly dated three girls, but nothing serious developed.  Staying out of trouble, I graduated with honors. 

I wondered about Murphy's Curse.  Mr. Murphy had predicted my big mouth was certain to get me into trouble in college.  I was pleased to note I had breezed through college without a single incident.  I assumed this indicated I had matured and that my problems with authority were behind me.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  I never guessed my absence of conflict was best explained by four years of being ignored and left alone.  As a result, I graduated completely blind to the fact that I was a deeply flawed human being.  In Hindsight I should have known better.  All I had to do was remember the disaster I faced during my summer at Colvig Silver Camp.

It was time to head home.  Guess who drove back to Houston with me in May?  Julie, the lovely woman whose charms had put an abrupt end to my celibacy issue.  After graduation, Erik had gotten a job in nearby San Antonio, so I offered her a platonic ride to Texas.  I will always hold a warm spot in my heart for Julie.  She was the first. 

SEPTEMBER 1972 to august 1973

Arlene
 

Back in Houston, I found a garage apartment, then got a menial job at a mental hospital.  I worked the graveyard shift, midnight to 8 am.  Assuming I would become a therapist some day, I thought it would help to get some real world experience with people who suffered from mental illness.  However, there was not much challenge to the job.  All I did was make bed checks every two hours or so and report back to the nurses the coast was clear. 

It was now September 1972.  This was my fourth month at the job.  One morning I sat in the lobby drinking coffee at a table with several patients.  It was 7:45 am, time for the next shift to arrive.  As was my habit, I looked up whenever the elevator door opened.  I did a double-take when an extremely pretty girl took two steps off the elevator.  Noting she was the same age as me, I watched with keen interest.  To my surprise, she froze in her tracks.  I guess she was probably intimidated by all the weird people staring at her.  Her look of fear gave me just the opening I needed.  I swiftly rose from my seat and approached her.

"Hello, my name is Rick.  You must be new here.  Can I help you in some way?"

Clearly rattled, the young lady answered in a shaky voice, "Do you work here?"  

I was not required to wear a uniform, so her question made sense.  After I nodded yes, she smiled weakly.  The young lady was relieved to have me come to her rescue.  

"My name is Arlene.  I am a nursing student at Texas Women's University over in the Medical Center.  I am starting a two-week rotation here as part of my training.  I'm supposed to meet my supervisor at 8:30, but I'm early.  What do you do here?"

"I work the graveyard shift as an attendant.  Would you like me to show you around?"

Arlene gratefully accepted my offer.  As we walked the hallway, I reassured Arlene that she was safe.  However, I could see she was not convinced.  Fortunately everyone was on their best behavior today, so Arlene eventually began to calm down.

"Thank you for rescuing me.  If you had not come over, I was about to get back on that elevator and ask my supervisor to let me do my rotation somewhere else."

I smiled.  Arlene was officially the first pretty girl I had ever approached strictly on impulse.  To meet her, I had crossed the room without hesitation.  Even better, I was able to think of something effective to say without rehearsing it in advance.  Shocked by my quick reaction, this was a real breakthrough.  Given my fear of rejection, approaching a pretty girl I did not know was way out of character for me.  I was proud of myself.  It was about time I took a chance.  As we walked around, I was actually slightly in shock.  I could not imagine where I had found the nerve.  Arlene was 5' 3" with brown eyes and long black hair.  In addition to her good looks, Arlene had quite the voluptuous figure.  The more I looked at her, the more amazed I was.  Considering my terrible fear of rejection, approaching a girl of Arlene's magnitude was so far beyond my confidence level, I honestly don't know what came over me. 

We chatted as we walked around the Psych ward.  Arlene explained she was about to graduate just before Christmas.  She was surprised to find out I was a college graduate.  Considering my position as an attendant did not require much skill, she became curious.  "So where did you go to school?" 

"Johns Hopkins." 

Arlene stopped in her tracks.  "Johns Hopkins?  Are you serious?" 

After I nodded yes, she demanded an explanation.  "I don't get it.  What are you doing here?  Isn't this job more than slightly beneath you?"

Laughing at her consternation, I explained my intention to go to graduate school in Clinical Psychology plus my desire to take a year off.  Once I explained the thinking behind my decision, Arlene saw the logic.  I also noticed she became a bit clumsy.  She kept bumping into me as we walked.  Was it my imagination or was Arlene brushing against me on purpose?  Hoping against hope she was signaling interest, I asked her out.  To my delight, Arlene said yes.  Imagine that.

Arlene and I hit it off from the start.  We were well-matched.  We were both 22 and looked good together.  I did not have much of a track record with women.  No dates in high school, just a few dates in college.  My longest relationship was one month, but Arlene did not need to know that, did she?  Maybe I would do better this time.  Considering I had not dated a girl I cared about since Emily in 1968, I was stunned by this sudden improvement in my fortune.  In fact, Arlene liked me so much she ditched her current boyfriend after our first date.  We spent the next ten months together. 

Arlene was attractive, sexy, smart, hard-working, educated, decent, reliable.  What more could I ask for?  I would be hard-pressed to find a better woman than her.  One would think I would be overjoyed, but instead I took Arlene for granted.  I regret to say I did not treat her very well.  I was not mean to Arlene.  Never a  harsh word.  Mostly I kept her at arm's length.  If given a choice between playing basketball in the evening or seeing Arlene, basketball usually won.  Arlene said I loved basketball more than her.  Considering I only saw Arlene on the nights when there was no basketball at the Jewish Community Center where I was a member, she had a point.  In other words, I saw her when I felt like it, but never went of my way to wonder what might make her happy.

In my defense, my love of basketball had been the only thing to keep me from going off the deep end for the past eight years.  My problems disappeared when I played basketball.  I felt happy and alive on a basketball court.  On the other hand, most guys would agree the companionship of a sweet girl is more satisfying than worshipping a basketball.  I knew my tendency to keep Arlene at a distance was a tell-tale sign there was something wrong with me.  If forced to guess, all those years of being a loner had made it difficult for me to trust and open up.  I was an only child who did not make friends easily.  And why didn't I make friends easily?  Because I wasn't a very nice person.  I was a self-centered guy who did not think much about the feelings of other people.  I had two basic approaches... 'It's all about me' and 'It's me against the world'.  My many years of isolation had turned me into a self-absorbed young man whose selfishness pushed people away. 

The breaking point came when I registered for karate class two nights a week. 

"Rick, you play basketball Monday, Wednesday and Thursday.  Now you go to karate on Tuesday and Friday night.  You leave early on Sunday evening to go to work at midnight.  I am down to one night a week to have your exclusive attention.  Can I assume you will eventually find some excuse to avoid me on Saturday night as well?  Tell me what is going on here."

I mumbled some lame excuse about how much I cared for Arlene, but I am sure she detected a lack of sincerity.  Since I refused to open up, I suspect Arlene feared I was a lost cause.  Nevertheless, Arlene refused to give up.  She switched tactics and began dropping by my garage apartment in the morning every now and then.  One morning Arlene paid a surprise visit to my apartment around 8:30 am.  I had just gotten home from my graveyard shift, so Arlene knew I would be there.  Since she was not due at the hospital for another hour, she stopped by to say hello.  She had a key, so after a quick hit on the doorbell, she climbed the steps. 

I was in bed nursing a bad cold, but I was happy to see her.  "Hi, Arlene, what a nice surprise!"

Arlene took one look at me and a look of concern crossed her face.  She came over and felt my forehead for temperature.  "You must not be feeling well, Rick."

Arlene was right.  I was sick with a terrible cold.  However I hadn't said anything to Arlene about it, so I was impressed she could diagnose me from across the room so quickly.  "You're right, Arlene, I'm not doing well at all.  In fact, I'm miserable.  But how did you know?  Am I showing any symptoms?"

"Yes, I did recognize your symptoms.  I knew you were sick the moment I walked in."

"How did you know?  I didn't cough or sneeze.  Am I pale?  Is that it?"

"To be honest, I was surprised when you greeted me with kindness.  The only time you are ever nice to me is when you're sick."

Ouch!  Why Arlene put up with me I will never know.  Actually, I guess I do know the answer.  Arlene saw something in me known as 'potential'.  I suppose every now and then I let my guard down to reveal a good heart hiding underneath my insensitive exterior.  A month after her previous surprise visit, Arlene showed up unannounced again.  This time she had decided to break up with me.

"All you ever do is push me away, Rick.  I can't get past your sarcasm and moodiness."

I didn't try to talk her out of it.  I was leaving for graduate school in two months, so this break-up was going to happen sooner or later.  Better for Arlene to break up with me.  That way I wouldn't have to be the bad guy and feel so guilty.  To my surprise, Arlene lingered after announcing our break-up.  She wanted to talk for a while, mostly to get some things off her chest.  To my further surprise, Arlene abruptly changed her mind about breaking up.  Instead of leaving, she came over and gave me a hug.  She protested mildly when I pulled her closer.  You know how that goes.  And so we made love, a rather odd turn of events considering her intention to split up.  Later when I asked why she changed her mind, Arlene burst into tears. 

"Rick, you aggravate me no end, but I care about you so much.  I can't bear to give up on you knowing that someday you could turn into a really wonderful person.  You are such an insensitive jerk most of the time, but I swear to God you have all the potential to become a really decent guy."

Double Ouch!  That observation hit way too close to home.  Arlene was right, I had my good side and my bad side.  Deep down I was a decent human being who liked kids, loved animals and wanted to make the world a better place.  My good side wanted to go to graduate school and become a therapist.  I wanted to help people tackle their problems.  However, my prickly, self-absorbed porcupine side pushed people away.  Arlene tried her hardest to penetrate that thick shell around me, but I wouldn't let her in.  What was wrong with me?  Whenever I thought of Arlene, I argued over what to do constantly.  I really liked Arlene, but I wasn't in love.  Here was a good woman who adored me, but I barely gave her the time of day.  I was happy when she was around, but reminded myself I wasn't ready to settle down.  In a way, I was right, but not for the reasons I thought.  I wasn't ready to settle down because I was an emotional cripple. 

Did I know I was an emotional cripple?  Not exactly, but I had my suspicions.  Here was my problem.  During this interval year in Houston, I had absolutely no pressure on me.  Easy, boring job, plenty of basketball, and a girlfriend who came at my beck and call.  Thanks to a complete absence of conflict, my debilitating bouts with depression disappeared.  Believe it or not, I actually had the nerve to decide I had finally matured.  Oh, what a fool I was. 

Age 23, it had taken me nine years to find my first honest to goodness girlfriend.  I looked like an adult, but don't let appearances deceive you.  Sad to say, Arlene had discovered the hard way she was dating a man with the maturity of a teenage boy.  On the outside, I acted like a confident young man, but let's face it, I knew next to nothing about women.  Why Arlene cared for me was one of life's great mysteries.   I was cocky and arrogant one day, moody and distant the next.  I had no idea that a relationship requires give and take.  Lacking sensitivity towards her feelings, all I thought about was what I wanted.  Despite my warts and shortcomings, Arlene probably would have followed me to graduate school had I asked.  However, I did not want her to come along.  Now that I was finally at a school with actual women, I wanted to make up for all those years of no dating experience. 

Fortunately, Arlene had too much pride to bring the subject of Colorado State up.  I respected her for that, but I also used it against her.  We never once talked about the future because I made a conscious effort to avoid the subject.  I did not have many belongings back in those days.  One suitcase of clothes, two boxes of books and of course my beloved basketball.   One morning in early September I spent 10 minutes stuffing everything I owned into my car, then took my basketball and placed it on the passenger seat for company.  If I could teach my basketball to cook, I probably would have asked it to marry me.  Lord knows we slept together all the time (forgive me).  With that, I got in the car and headed for Colorado.  I didn't tell Arlene I was leaving because I did not want to face the tears.  I would phone her when I got there.  Or better yet, send a letter.  I was pretty much a hard ass in those days.  Goodbye Houston.  I am sure I broke Arlene's heart in the process.   But why should I care?  I want to be free and it's all about me.