late march 1974, Colorado state, age 24

Debbie

Jason's Dating Project was in its third month.  Given my thin skin, where did I find the nerve to check out 50 different women?  This was Jason's doing.  Otherwise I would have quit long ago.  The thing is, I knew Jason was right.  I had to keep trying.  However, this long dry spell had me badly rattled.  Met with a wall of apathy, I knew I was doing something wrong, but what?  Jason told me to learn from each mistake and move on.  Fine, but what exactly was my mistake?  I was almost at the point where I wanted Jason to come with me and analyze my behavior.  Maybe he could spot my mistakes with women the same way Fujimoto had identified my mistakes in class. 

I decided I must have some sort of Blind Spot because I could not figure it out on my own.  Over the past three months, I had met countless girls, but got nowhere.  Even when I was on the verge of a breakthrough, I would strike out.  I drove a girl named Linda deep into a snowy Rocky Mountain canyon on a starry night.  Nothing happened.  I took a pretty graduate student named Lois for a picnic high atop a mesa overlooking the campus.  We were alone on a beautiful spring day.  Nothing happened.  Christine was very drawn to me on our first date.  Then she left a note on her dorm room door to say she had decided to go drinking with her girlfriends instead.  Her mysterious change of heart added to the mystery.  It seemed like the moment these women had a chance to evaluate me, something I did turned them off.  But what? 

In late March I finally caught a break.  Jason told me about an all-day Saturday 'Self-Awareness' workshop conducted by Ken, his third-year grad student friend.  Ken told Jason there were two girls to every guy signed up.  If ever there was a chance to end my dry spell, this was it.  I could have cared less about the workshop.  I was only there to scout for women.  To my surprise, Jason's idea paid off.  My breakthrough came when Ken, the lecturer, said that people who are self-aware always use good judgment.  That statement irritated me, so I popped off with a smart-ass observation in front of the group.

"In my opinion bad judgment has value too.  People forget that good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of experience is the result of bad judgment. 

Ken asked me to explain, so I replied, "Experience is a cruel teacher.  It always gives the test first and the instruction afterwards.  Experience is a comb Life hands you after you have lost all your hair.  This is why wise men are always depicted as bald."

The class got a good laugh.  However, when I saw the death stare on Ken's face, I felt guilty.  That was exactly the sort of sarcastic crack that used to get me into so much trouble with Fujimoto.  At that moment, I had a realization.  I used to be an interesting guy.  Not any more.  Ever since Fujimoto, I had lost my voice.  He had criticized my tendency to speak my mind so often that I turned into a mute.  Maybe Fujimoto was right, maybe I was not cut out for this profession.  Who wants to watch what they say all the time? 

To my surprise, during the break, a short, very petite girl came up to me and smiled.  "I liked what you said.  That was pretty clever.  Out of curiosity, do you have any bald professors?"

I laughed.  "No, but their hair is thinning rapidly."

"Is Graduate School really that difficult?"

I was surprised.  "How did you know I was a graduate student?"

"I asked a girlfriend sitting next to me if she knew who you are.  She wasn't sure, but said she saw you in the Psych department all the time, so she assumed you must be a graduate student.  Besides, you seem older than the typical undergraduate."

I smiled to myself.  Clever girl.  Observe first, find something to comment about, then use it to start a conversation.  "My, my, aren't you the sleuth?  You are a regular Nancy Drew."

"Funny, my girlfriends used to call me Nancy Drew when I was a kid.  Yeah, people say I am overly curious because I ask a lot of questions.  It's a trick I use.  Seems to work."

"It's a good trick.  I use it too.  The art of the innocent question.  So what are you doing here in this seminar, Nancy Drew?  Do you feel more self-aware?"

I saw a twinkle in the girl's eye.  Game on. 

"I'm trying to figure out why you aren't the leader of today's workshop.  You're a lot funnier."

"I'm only the leader when my wife tells me I am."

"You don't look married."

"I'm not, but I am so used to people telling me what to say or do, I might as well be married."

"Who tells you what to do?"

"My professor is Dr. Right.  His first name is 'Always'."

Now it was her turn for jokes. 

"You are chock full of lines.  Very disarming, but I prefer to keep my arms.  By the way, my name is Debbie, not Nancy.  For cute guys, I answer to anything, but I respond best to Debbie."

"Are you a Psych major?"

"How did you guess?  I am in my Junior year.  You are obviously way too old for me, but I've decided to ignore my better judgment and check you out.  I just hope I don't lose my hair.  If I go bald, then everyone will know how smart I am and I won't be able to play stupid anymore.  How am I ever going to catch a guy if he knows I'm smarter than him?"

I grinned.  This Debbie girl was quite a character.  Not only that, she was actually smiling.  Thanks to her encouragement, some of old personality had returned.  Jason would be so proud.  Seeing how curious Debbie was about me, I laughed.  Maybe Thomas Edison was right.  Success is the ability to try one more time.  Hopefully Debbie would turn out better than Christine.  We had a nice rapport going.  However, we were not very well matched.  Debbie was three years younger and a foot shorter.  Plus she struck me as perhaps a little too aggressive for my taste.  I needed Gentle, not Chili Pepper.  On the other hand, I was in no mood to be picky. 

"I wouldn't worry, Debbie.  The nice thing about being a girl is you can wear a wig after you achieve enlightenment.  A she-wolf disguised as a blonde.  Potent combination."

"Ha ha, good one.  So what made you decide on a career in Psychology?"

Recalling how Jason had laughed at one of my Rodney Dangerfield jokes, I decided to try another one.  

"I was such an ugly baby, my mother refused to breast-feed me.  Mom said she only liked me as a friend.  I've been lonely ever since so I turned to Psychology as my only hope." 

When Debbie cracked up, she passed the test.  If Debbie liked sarcasm, we would get along just fine.  One reason I liked Debbie was that I wasn't scared of her.  I liked Debbie because she was smart and easy to talk to.  Plus she laughed at my jokes.  Her laughter was balm to my damaged self-esteem.  She was kind of pushy, but given how low my confidence was, I suppose that's what I needed.  Debbie didn't waste any time.  She suggested we go to dinner after the workshop. 

That evening Debbie brought along two girlfriends from the workshop.  "Oh, I see you brought chaperones.  Are you afraid to be alone with me?"

"I realized how defenseless I would be around a sophisticated graduate student so I brought my girlfriends along for protection."

Debbie's girlfriends were Cindy and Mandy.  The three girls proceeded to pepper me with questions.  "Tell us what you've learned in graduate school!!"

I told them about a psychology experiment known as Learned Helplessness.  In Stage One, dogs were trained to give up.  Strapped in a harness, a buzzer stimulus was followed by electrical shock.  The dogs quickly learned it was hopeless to escape.  However, when placed in a second situation where they could escape, most of the dogs gave up automatically when the buzzer rang." 

Debbie exclaimed, "I think that's true!  I once heard a story about a circus elephant who learned not to struggle any more.  I wonder if people can be trained to give up just like animals."

Good grief, has Debbie been talking to Jason?  Hmm.  "I imagine so.  The Helplessness experiment indicates why many people give up trying when things seem hopeless."

"Psychology is such an interesting subject.  That reminds me, there is a big Psychology conference taking place down in Denver  next weekend.  It is a regional seminar where professors and students from campuses around Colorado participate in professional caucuses and lectures.  What about you, are you going?"

I frowned.  "To be honest, I haven't given it much thought."

What was the point of wasting my time?  I assumed my career in this program would be over in two months.  Without a future, I had no reason to go down to Denver.  Furthermore, I was not exactly awash in money.  Graduate students were not given a whole lot of money to live on.  At the moment, things were so tight I was living on Food Stamps.  The thought of paying for the conference plus an expensive hotel room was a major headache. 

When Debbie looked at the girls, on cue Cindy and Mandy chipped in.  "Please come, Rick, this is going to be so much fun!"

I might be poor, but when the girls put it that way, this did sound like fun.  Truth be told, I was so lonely I could not see straight.  For this reason, the enthusiasm of three admiring women was tough to resist.  Maybe it was wishful thinking on my part, but there was promise in their tone.  I responded without committing myself one way or the other.  "I suppose some of the seminars might be interesting.  Why do you ask?  Do you have something in mind?"  

Debbie took the lead.

"The four of us including our friend Harriet have a hotel room.  We only invited Harriet because she has a car, but don't tell her I said that.  If you can get a hotel room, why not come along with us?  Wouldn't you like to sit in the back seat with Mandy and me as your personal book ends?  If it gets cold, we promise to keep you warm."

I smiled.  This was the best offer I had heard in ages.  But did I really want to go out on a limb?  My next paycheck wasn't due for ten days and I was low on cash.  I could not afford a room on my own, but surely I could find a graduate student to be my roommate and split the cost.  Or maybe there would be a party in the girls' room and I could fall asleep in a chair.  Or for that matter, maybe a bed.    If Debbie did not work out, maybe I would run into one of the Nifty Fifty and something would click this time.  Who knows, surely some girl would be willing to take a chance on me.  By my reckoning it was about time for my luck to change.  After all, in the Psych Department women outnumbered men 2 to 1.  You never know till you try.  Or at least that's what Jason said. 

Praying something would break my way, I decided it was worth the gamble.  "Sure, Debbie, I'll go.  You twisted my arm."

I was impressed by Debbie.  She might be half my age and half my size, but she made up for it with oodles of self-confidence.  Where did she get all her moxie?  Obviously confidence was a state of mind.  Too bad I didn't live in that state. 

late march 1974, Colorado state

Debbie does Denver

At 6 am the following Saturday, I joined Debbie and her three girlfriends for the two-hour drive to Denver.  With three of us sharing the back seat, I was pleased when Debbie snuggled as close to me in the dark as humanly possible.  In fact, she was so close that my right arm was uncomfortable.  I decided it was easier just to put my arm around her shoulders.  Debbie smiled and snuggled even closer.  The weekend was off to a good start.

In addition to Mandy and Cindy, they introduced me to Harriet, the girl with the car.  All four girls turned out to be Psych majors.  Having persuaded an actual Psychology 'graduate student' to come along with them, Debbie enjoyed considerable status for landing a celebrity of sorts.  The four girls went gaga with questions and praise.  I wanted to enjoy their adulation, but it wasn't possible.  As the girls gushed over me, a dark thought crossed my mind.  'Little do they know...'   Debbie had no idea I was Dead Man Walking in the Department.  I decided what she didn't know wouldn't hurt her.  Furthermore, I intended to keep it that way.  The last thing I wanted was to reveal what a loser I was.  I prayed no gossip about my irreparable status would reach her ears this weekend.  For the time being my four admirers thought I was the real deal, so I relaxed and played along with their good-natured banter.

Mandy exclaimed, "Oh, wow, Rick, how does someone get into graduate school?  Tell us the secret!" 

I whispered so low that all four leaned towards me.  "Do you really want to know the answer?"  They all nodded.  

When I answered, "Study hard," Debbie playfully hit me in the shoulder. 

"Next time tell us something we don't already know!"

Mandy changed the subject.  She revealed that Debbie had said Harriet was only along for her car.  That led to an interesting exchange of further teasing.  Listening to the girls pick on each other, I realized Mandy's wisecrack about Harriet had been an inside joke.  Pretty soon all four girls were trading insults.  As the game got more aggressive, Harriet suggested they use me as the referee to decide who scored the best putdowns.  Mandy promised to buy me a beer which started a bidding war of bribes.  Debbie cheated and promised me sexual favors if I voted for her.  This crack left her wide-open for the other three girls to turn on her.  They wasted no time calling Debbie's virtue into question.  Undaunted at being the brunt of the teasing, Debbie fought back.

"You know what, I used to like you girls, but now I realize you are lousy girlfriends.  You can try to humiliate me with snide innuendos about my low standards, but I have a man next to me and you don't."

Hmm.  Nice comeback.  At that remark, all four girls turned to see my reaction.

"Debbie, I like your attitude.  I once read a book about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it."

As the girls laughed, Debbie squeezed my hand and whispered, "Good one!"

When we reached the convention, I stayed by Debbie's side the entire day.  It wasn't like I had anything better to do.  I was not interested in the seminars, but I went to three of them anyway because that's what Debbie wanted to do.  I had been so lonely lately, it was a relief to hang out with this cheerful, energetic girl.  However, to my dismay, Debbie seemed to grow more distant as the day progressed despite my constant attention.  Then came the bombshell.  Early in the evening Debbie pulled me aside to explain that she and her three friends had received an unexpected offer to meet some friends from school.  This was news to me.  I was about to ask if I could come along, but stopped.  If Debbie wanted me along, she would have said so.  Her excuse was so phony I realized I was being ditched.  Overwhelmed with embarrassment, I turned and walked away to conceal the hurt on my face.  I did not see this coming.  What did I do wrong this time?  I was hot stuff in the car, but suddenly it was hero to zero.  My anger kicked in.  Last month Christine ditched me for drinks with her girlfriends.  Now Debbie, Harriet, Cindy, and Mandy were doing the same thing.  Hail to the Creepy Loser Kid. 

Where was Jason when I needed him?  Reeling from the humiliation, I found a paperback in the gift shop.  Then I went over to the desk and asked what a room cost.  I turned pale when I found out.  I had no idea this hotel was so expensive.  Looking at my wallet, I did not have enough money to pay for a hotel room by myself.  Nor did I have a credit card.  I could cover meals and that was it.  I had gambled on finding a graduate student to split a room with, but to my dismay, I was unable to locate anyone prior to the event who was coming.  Now I was reduced to looking for someone I knew.  I decided to sit in the lobby, read my book and pray for my luck to turn.  After an hour of reading, I noticed Wendy, a second year graduate student, walk across the lobby.  Wendy had been one of the Nifty Fifty.  I ran over to her and explained my predicament.  I said I would be happy to pay to sleep on a chair in her room.  That idea went over like a lead balloon.  Pointing out she had two roommates and that I was a 'guy', Wendy said it was out of the question.  Not only that, she was pissed off that I would even entertain the idea.  The word "Inappropriate" was used several times. 

Wendy was right.  That had been my desperation talking.  After Wendy left in a huff, I felt even more humiliated.  First Debbie, now Wendy.  Knowing Wendy was sure to pass on the story to other grad students in the program, I could not believe how badly my hotel room gamble had backfired.  As I retreated to the darkest recess of the massive hotel lobby, I could feel the storm clouds of a serious depression roll in.  Unless my luck changed, I was in for a dark night of the soul.  Ordinarily I was not very good at remembering words to a song, but there was a certain passage written by the immortal Jim Morrison that stuck.

'People are strange when you're a stranger,
Faces look ugly when you're alone,
Women seem wicked when you're unwanted,
Streets are uneven when you're down.' 

Feeling like a homeless person, I was really worried where I would sleep tonight.  Certainly not outside.  There was snow everywhere.  With my hopes fading, I promised myself someone would show up sooner or later.  I alternated between reading my book and scanning the front door.  I hoped I would see a male grad student enter so I could throw myself on his mercy.  Several hours passed and it didn't look good.  The lobby was deserted.  Apparently everyone was out partying in the bars of Lodo, a nearby area known for its nightlife. 

The absolute low point came shortly before midnight.  I heard the laughing voices of several girls as they entered the lobby and looked up.  As I feared, it was Debbie and her friends.  Afraid of being seen, I quickly hid behind a pillar.  To my astonishment, the four girls had two boys with them.  Drunk out of their minds, the girls were happy as pigs in the mud.  They were laughing up a storm.  Noticing the suspicious brown bag in Debbie's hand, I assumed the six of them were headed to their room to continue the party.  I shook my head in despair.  That should have been me.  With a heavy heart I watched them get on the elevator.  Could my life get any more pathetic? 

It was getting really late and this was beyond hopeless.  I did not have enough money for a room, so that left me with no choice.  I got up and wandered around.  The ground floor doors were locked, but to my relief I found an unlocked conference room on the mezzanine.  I opened the door and turned on the light.  Over in the far corner was a table covered by white table linen that hung down to the floor.  That would serve nicely as a hiding place.  Making sure no one had noticed me enter, I closed the door.  There were no pillows to use, so I grabbed a couch cushion instead.  Huge mistake by the way.  I turned the light off, then used the dim Exit Door light to grope my way over to the table.  I threw the cushion on the floor and crawled underneath. 

At 5 am, I heard the door open and panicked when the lights came on.  Unfortunately I was trapped under the table.  I had no choice but to lay there hoping against hope I would not be discovered.  No such luck.  I died a thousand deaths when I heard footsteps come right at me.   My hiding place was rudely invaded when an old black man lifted the table curtain and peered down at me in anger. 

"Boy, what the hell are you doing under there?  Are you too goddamn cheap to pay for a room?  Come on out of there!"

I was so scared I let out a scream of sorts.  Panic-stricken, I grabbed my coat and scrambled out on my hands and knees.  I tripped and fell back down.  As I stumbled to my feet, I wondered how he had found me so fast.  More than likely, this man had noticed the couch was missing a cushion and became suspicious.  I didn't see any point in hanging around for further humiliation, so I headed straight for the door.  The man ordered me to stop, but forget that.  When I reached the lobby, I stopped to look back.  Sure enough, the cleaning man was right behind me.  For an old guy, he could really move.  The man called to the reception desk to summon security.  When I heard that, I beat a hasty exit onto the street. 

My heart was racing as I walked the deserted streets of a snowy Denver morning.  It was cold here in the early dawn and the sidewalk was slippery with ice.  At the moment, I was fortunate there were no convenient cliffs nearby.  Grabbing that cushion had been a very dumb move and I cursed my stupidity.  Shivering as I walked the slushy streets at early dawn, eventually I found a breakfast diner and ordered pancakes.  I was mad because in my haste to grab my coat, I had forgotten my book.  Needing something to read, I invested a dollar and bought a newspaper.  Damn it, I needed that dollar.  Hoping to stay here as long as possible, I ate my pancakes slowly.  Afterwards I drank endless cups of coffee and worked the Sunday crossword to kill time.  Judging by the frowns I got from the waitress, I had exceeded my welcome long ago.  Tough.  It was freezing outside and I had nowhere else to go.  If I went back to the hotel, I feared being spotted.  In all, I spent three hours in that diner.  Don't ask what kind of mood I was in.

Morning lectures began at 9, so I walked the streets for a while.  Around 8:30 I made a cautious return to the hotel and hid in the middling crowd.  When the seminars began, my first stop was to look for my lost paperback under the table.  To my relief, it was still there.  Good.  Otherwise I would have been forced to spend my dwindling cash on another book.  Down to my proverbial one thin dime, I was flat broke.  If I was lucky, I had just enough money left for lunch.  As I exited the conference room, I noticed Debbie.  She was clearly hung over after a sleepless night of cavorting.  After a curt hello, she told me when and where the girls would meet later for the return trip to school.  Realizing I probably looked like hell, I nodded and walked away.  Stripped of all pride, I was in no mood to stick around for more abuse.  I need not have worried.  I did not see Debbie again until the late afternoon rendezvous.

For the rest of the day, I sat in the most crowded spot I could find at the various lectures.   Fearful of being recognized by that cleaning man, I kept looking around lest he humiliate me in front of all these people.  Due to my height, I had to slump down in my chair.  Fortunately there was no sign of him, so eventually I relaxed my vigilance and sat back up.  Lunch was the highlight of my day and the book conveniently lasted till it was time to leave.  Given the mood I was in, I spoke to no one.  And no one spoke to me.  People are stranger when you're a stranger.  Faces look ugly when you're alone.

On the return trip, Debbie sat as far away as humanly possible.  In fact, she was practically crawling out the window.  Finally she settled for putting her hefty pocketbook between us.  In the space of 24 hours, I had gone from exalted guest to unwanted hitchhiker.  Obviously I had done something wrong, but what?  I racked my brain and then it hit me.  Oh shit, someone must have told her how I had been disgraced by Fujimoto.  What else could it be?  Sick to my stomach with shame, I felt two feet tall.  The girls talked amongst themselves, but said nothing to me.  Immersed in a black hole of misery, the ride home was the longest two hours of my life.

late march 1974, Colorado state

sinking fast

After Debbie and her friends dropped me off, I slunk to my office for sanctuary.  How could I have sunk this low?  I had never felt more inadequate.  Debbie's unexplained decision to turn her back on me had initiated a new free fall.  Hurtling towards a record-setting nadir, I still had no clue what I was doing wrong.  First Vanessa, then Christine, and now Debbie.  With extreme bitterness, I added Debbie to the growing list of women who betrayed me or found me utterly unworthy of their time (up to 9 if you're counting).  Unlike Denver, here on campus there were plenty of nearby cliffs.  Fortunately, I found Jason instead.  As usual, he was working late.

Jason looked up and stared at me with alarm.  "Good grief, Rick, you look like hell!  What on earth happened to you??"

Feeling dejected, I told Jason the gory details.  His eyes bulged.  "Rick, that is incredible.  Do you have any idea what made Debbie treat you that way?"

"No, Jason, and it's tearing me to pieces.  I'm sure I reek of desperation.  When a girl gets close enough, she can smell the loser in me.  However, most likely someone spilled the beans about Fujimoto."

Jason nodded.  "Yeah, that makes sense.  That's probably what it was.  Debbie was mad at you for not telling her.  Maybe she felt deceived."

At that point, Jason decided another pep talk was in order.  I could tell by his expression it was time for more Thomas Edison.

With that, I lost my temper.  Before he could say a word, I put my hand up.  In a raised voice I said, "Jason, stop!  Just stop."

And so he did.  After a moment to calm down a little, I continued.   "I'm sorry, Jason, but this isn't working.  There is no article, no experiment, no well-meaning piece of advice that is going to save me from this.  I appreciate what you have done for me, but I'm done trying.  This weekend in Denver was the Final Straw.  I cannot take any more humiliation.  I quit."

Seeing Jason flinch at my rebuke, I felt guilty.  But seriously, Jason's Dating Project had been a monumental failure.  Right now I felt like the proverbial 90 pound weakling getting sand kicked in his face.  The women of Colorado State had voted unanimously to name me Creepy Loser Kid in addition to Dead Man Walking.  I had never felt more hopeless.  Seeing Jason's sad look, I felt terrible.  Jason had invested a lot of energy in helping me.  Right now he looked almost as crushed as me. 

"Look, Jason, I'm sorry I bit your head off, but I am not very happy right now.  If I was sticking around school, I would try again, but in two months Fujimoto is going to send me packing, so why bother?  There is no point in starting anything.  I'm finished." 

Jason accepted my decision.  He gave me a half-smile and nodded with resignation.  

Frustrated, I said, "Jason, thank you for always being here for me.  But right now I need to go home and lick my wounds.  I didn't get much sleep last night."

And with that, I got up and walked into the dark night.  It was cold outside and snowing.  I had no idea what I had done to deserve this, but something was wrong with me, something that felt like an incurable brain tumor.  With the cloak of defeat wrapped tight around my shoulders, I slowly trudged home in the snow.  I knew exactly how Napoleon felt when he retreated from Moscow during the brutal Russian winter. 

Was it my imagination or was someone following me?   I turned around half-expecting the merciless Cossacks were closing to finish me off.  But I was wrong.  It was Debbie, Christine and Vanessa.  They led a Ghost Army of Wicked Women trailing my death march.  Bringing up the rear was the Point of No Return.