THE RACHEL TIMELINE
 

VOLLEYBALL: Thursday, November 07 BEACH: Saturday, NOVEMBER 09
FINAL DAY: SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 16

In particular, I was bitter at Fate.  Don't ask me how I knew, but my intuition had warned me every step of the way that something was going to go wrong.  Stupid me, I had gone ahead and given this woman my heart nonetheless.  What's worse, I had no choice.  No matter how much I warned myself not to care for Rachel, it happened anyway.  How does a man resist falling for the Perfect Woman?  Her spell was too powerful.  Blind-sided in the cruelest possible way, I found myself dealing with jealousy that bordered on near-fanatic obsession.  I was actually frightened by how angry I felt.  My feelings were so strong I could understand how a man can be driven to violence by a woman.

Hiding behind the intensity of my anger, there was something gnawing at the back of my mind.  I did not have much experience with women, but I did know enough to be certain that Rachel really liked me.  Ordinarily, wouldn't a woman with so little time left in town want to spend her remaining time with the guy who made her happy?  What possible reason could Rachel have to play the field at the last minute? 

I had no answer to that question, but what I did have was the longest 72 hours of my life to think about it.  And so waiting ordeal began.  I was forlorn on Wednesday night.  I was forlorn all day Thursday.  Unable to sit still on Friday morning, I went to Mark's office for advice.  Mark said the best thing to do was get it out in the open.  Maybe nothing happened and I had worked myself into a needless tizzy.  Friday night passed without Rachel.  I died a million deaths knowing Rachel was with that man.  I suffered through Saturday morning and afternoon with further anguish.  I was extremely emotional all day. 

I was extremely tense as I drove to pick up Rachel at her uncle's home over in Meyerland.  I was a bundle of nerves on what to do, but decided to follow Mark's advice.  I questioned Rachel the moment I picked her up.  It did not take long to get my answer.  Rachel was not prone to fibbing.  The moment Rachel admitted she had slept with the professor, I went numb.  Then I exploded and went haywire with jealousy.  Completely out of control, I pulled to the curb and threw a temper tantrum.

"How could you, Rachel!!?" I screamed.  "Do I mean nothing to you!?"

Rachel did not reply.  She remained quiet and let me rant.  I went on and on about her being unfaithful, making a complete fool of myself in the process.  Being with Rachel had made me feel so special.  That feeling was gone forever.  Knowing how easily Rachel had moved from my arms to a man of far greater prestige made me feel totally inadequate.  My jealousy was over the top because I was certain Rachel preferred this educated man to some dipshit graduate school failure like me.  Convinced I had lost Rachel to a better man, what had made me think I could compete for this woman?  Confronted by this latest evidence of my abject inferiority, I felt sick inside. 

We sat in the dark in silence as I struggled to contain my anger.  Filled with anguish, in a whisper I managed to ask, "Who is this guy?  Why is he important to you?"

"Aaron is a history professor who specializes in American-Israeli relations.  He was in Jerusalem during last year's Arab-Israeli Yom Kippur War and spoke about his experiences at the seminar my uncle took me to.  I was in school in Germany at the time of the war and wanted to know more about what took place behind the scenes.  So I stayed afterwards to ask him questions.  Noting my interest, Aaron suggested we meet again.  I don't know what else to say other than you are also important to me."

Oh, sure, like I believe that.  I might be important, but no doubt Aaron was more important.  I felt totally defeated.  Trembling badly and still reduced to a whisper, I asked, "Rachel, how can you sleep with two men at once so effortlessly?"

"Rick, please try to understand that I come from a different world than you.  In Europe and Israel, we have vastly different attitudes on sex.  We approach life from a far different point of view than I have encountered in America.  Where I come from, men and women learn not to be possessive.  In Israel, we face constant danger.  A person could be dead tomorrow.  Last year's war made that painfully clear.  So did the Olympic tragedy in Munich.  Over the years, I have lost several friends I grew up with.  We learn to live for today.  We love the one we're with.  I love being with you.  I mean that.  Can we still enjoy tonight?"

Ignoring her peace offer, I continued my questioning.  "How is it possible for you to love one man one night and someone else the next?  What if some man did that to you?  Don't you ever get jealous, Rachel?"

"Men sleep with several partners at once all the time.  They say it means nothing to them.  I have had men do the same thing to me.  Why is it okay for men to have as many women as they want?  Why are women denied the same right?   My rule is simple.  I like to have sex with men I am attracted to.  I am attracted to you, Rick.  Isn't that obvious?"

Rachel touched my hand.  I knew Rachel was trying to cheer me up, but it wasn't working.  I felt so much hurt.  My demons had been let out of their cages and they were running rampant through my brain.  I couldn't handle it.  Visions of this naked beauty screaming with passion as some handsome, highly-educated Rice professor made love to her tore my heart out.  The remorse was unbearable.

"Rachel, meeting you has brought back a lot of painful memories.  Exactly one year ago a woman I loved cheated on me.  Unlike you, she lied about it.  She behaved in such a cruel way that I still haven't recovered.  Intellectually I grasp that you have done nothing wrong.  You are forthright and honest and I respect you for that.   But I am so jealous right now I am shaking.  I don't think I am capable of sharing you with another man.  Maybe other men can do it, but I don't have whatever it takes to share you."

"I live by a simple rule.  Good people cannot be possessed and those who can be possessed, no one wants to keep for long.  I don't like people telling me what I can and cannot do.  I strongly prefer to come and go as I please.  I give my love to you willingly, but please accept I see things differently than you do."

"That sounds like the motto of New Hampshire... 'live free or die.'  You make love sound like shackles.  In the animal kingdom, animals are loyal by nature.  It is only humans who question the value of emotional ties.  The way I see it, it is natural to become attached to the people you care for and make love to.  Otherwise there would be a lot of children running around without two parents."

"Well said.  You might be surprised to know I agree with you in theory.  However, at this stage of my life, I am learning about men.  If I were to settle on one, the experiment would be over."

"The problem with your attitude is your lab dogs don't realize they are being wired up for alternating sweetness and torture.  Note to Rachel, you might try warning your next victim you intend to love them and leave them."

That wisecrack hurt her.  When I saw tears welling in her eyes, I realized Rachel was human after all.  Now I felt guilty for speaking my mind.  I was really upset.  My lips pursed and my eyes stared straight ahead.  I did not dare look at Rachel for fear of bursting into tears and further humiliating myself.  My emotions remained a firestorm of bitterness and raging jealousy.

In a quiet whisper, Rachel resumed the conversation.  "This girl, Rick, she lied to you?  And she hurt you?"

"Yes, Rachel, she hurt me badly.  I haven't been the same since.  Every day is a struggle and right now I hate myself for yelling at you.  I can't seem to control my feelings."

"You are a moody person?"

"How did you guess?"

Rachel smiled wanly.  She had become very pale.  "I am not as young as you think.  Sometimes when men lose their temper, they are able to get over it.  Is that you?"

I smiled wryly in spite of myself.  "No, Rachel, probably not.  When I get worked up like this, I've never been able to shake it off quickly."

Rachel nodded.  "I was afraid of that."

She sensed the hopelessness in me.  Guessing there was no way I was going to snap out of this dark mood, I suppose Rachel realized the situation could not be rescued.  "Rick, I am sorry I have hurt you.  However, I believe this evening is lost.  Will you take me home?"

I started the engine and made a U-turn.  There was complete silence in the car as I drove.  We didn't have far to go.  Three minutes later we were there.  I felt so humiliated.  Now that I had lost my self-control, she had seen the real me.  I imagine I had turned into some sort of helpless, pathetic creature in her eyes.  As we pulled up to her house, I began to feel sad.  This was the last time I would ever see my Volleyball Goddess.  I wondered if I could rescue the situation.  No, probably not.  Desperation isn't sexy.

When we reached her uncle's house, Rachel leaned over and took my face in her hands.  She kissed me hard on the lips.  Then she took my hand and held it in both of hers.  She looked at me with a gentle smile. 

"Please don't be angry with me, Rick.  You are a fascinating, complicated man.  Perhaps I should have been more discrete, but I forget that I come from a different world than you do.  I love the time I have spent with you.  Please remember the good things we shared, not the bad."

And that was that.  I was forlorn as I watched Rachel enter her uncle's house.  It was over.  My temper tantrum had cost me my girl.

Monday, November 18, 1974, Age 25, the lost years

SHATTERED

I know it's been done
Havin' one girl who loves you
Right or wrong
Weak or strong

Don't know that I will
But until I can find me
A girl who'll stay
And won't play games behind me
I'll be what I am

A Solitary man
 

--  Neil Diamond, Solitary Man

I had been the Solitary Man my entire life.  One girl who loves you?  Give me a break.  Me and Sue and that guy too. 

Emily lied to go to Eric.  Carol lied to go to some guy in Kansas City.  Vanessa lied to go to Kenny.  Yolanda preferred Robbie to me.  Aaron had come between Rachel and me.  Epic failure.  Eleven years of futility and no end in sight.  Not once had I won a head-to-head battle.  Given my precarious mindset, a curtain of darkness descended the moment I drove away.  I had assumed I would be miserable when Rachel left, but I never imagined an ending as catastrophic as this.  As usual, my worst fears had been exceeded.  I had made my best attempt to guard my feelings, but it didn't work.  My heart was broken, my confidence shattered into a thousand pieces.  The moment I got home I went catatonic.  Haunted by visions of the creepy loser kid, I spent Saturday night repeatedly throwing a baseball in the air and catching it.  I did the same thing all day Sunday.  I was forlorn. 

On Monday, November 18, I got up and went to work.  This was my Darkest Day.  No doubt Rachel was driving with her uncle to Austin at this very moment.  The thought that I would never see her again upset me terribly.  I was so distraught I staggered into Mark's office. 

The moment I entered, Mark saw the look on my face and was concerned.  "What happened to you, Rick?  You look like death warmed over."  Mark got up and closed the door behind me.

I wasted no time telling Mark everything that had happened.  I cried the entire time, but I didn't care.  I needed to cry.  After the tears cleared enough to speak intelligibly, I told Mark how much it hurt to see my dream girl casually move from my arms to those of another man. 

I lamented, "Why did she do that, Mark?  Why would she betray me like that?"

Mark said nothing for a moment.  Realizing my frailty, he chose his words carefully.

"Rick, first of all, let's get one thing straight.  Rachel did not betray you.  'Betray' is a harsh word that paints a very dark picture.  Rachel broke no promises.  On the other hand, there is no doubt you have a right to feel hurt.  I imagine most men would have difficulty dealing with such an odd turn of events.  I am really sorry things did not end well."

I reluctantly nodded in agreement.  Rachel had made no promises. 

"You're right, Mark, thank you for correcting me.  'Betray' isn't the right word, is it?  But that's how I feel.  I feel so bitter, I am at a loss to find a better word.  On Tuesday night, we made love for hours.  On Wednesday morning, we made love again.  I drove her home and Rachel waved goodbye from her doorstep with a huge smile on her face.  Two nights later she is screwing some Rice professor's brains out.  I don't get it.  I really don't get it.  What did I do wrong?  I am so confused I don't know what to think."

I could not help it, I started crying again.  Mark was wonderful.  When I regained control, he pitched in with kind words and sympathy. 

"I wouldn't be so hard on yourself.  I don't think you did anything wrong, but rather you were set up by an unusual circumstance.  Rachel strikes me as a free spirit who does not conform to ordinary expectations.  I imagine most men would have trouble dealing with what she did, not just you.  We like to think that human beings are above tawdry emotions such as jealousy, but we forget we have a considerable amount of territorial animal instincts barely kept in control by our rational side.  Sharing a woman we love so deeply with another man goes completely against human nature."

"No kidding.  I can understand a woman taking on different men when it is casual sex.  But Rachel had feelings for me, I am sure of it.  I cannot comprehend how a woman can be so passionate with me, then jump straight into the arms of another man she barely knows.  I thought women preferred to be loyal to the men they make love to.  Rachel contradicts that thinking."

"I agree with you.  Under normal circumstances, I don't think Rachel would have acted that way.  If I recall, you and she became lovers very quickly.  From what I gather, most women take their time about a decision this important.   But you need to see Rachel is operating under unusual constraints.  She doesn't have the luxury of time, so she moves fast.  She moved fast with you, she moved fast with the professor.  I think you were the victim of some very bad luck.  When we were driving to Galveston, Rachel told me she came to America to learn things and see things.  It was a nasty coincidence that she met a professor whose knowledge lies in an area Rachel values so highly.  My guess is she wanted to gain as much insight as she could into her country's chances of survival and this man had the answers.  If Rachel wanted to get to know this man, she had one chance and she took it.  One thing led to another." 

"I know what you are saying, Mark.  Your point is well-taken.  But I feel so damn inferior to this other guy.  If there is one thing I have going for me, it is my intelligence and education.  But I was stripped of that pride at Colorado State.  It crushes me to lose my girl to a man with more education and more status.  With Emily I got beaten out by a rich guy.  With Vanessa I got beaten out by a terrific athlete.  Now I got beaten out by a professor.  No matter what I do, I just can't seem to win.  There's always someone better than me."

"I understand how hurt you are, but you might try looking at this from a different perspective.  Rachel clearly saw something special in you.  Considering Rachel could have her pick of any man in the world, she picked you."

Between renewed tears, I nodded.  Yes, that thought had occurred to me.  And I would try to hold onto that thought.  However, Rachel's unexpected behavior was so painful, I could not even begin to look for the Silver Lining.  I had so proud to date this talented woman only to see her dump me the moment she found a better man.  That hurt like hell.  I knew pursuing Rachel was a bad idea.  I knew it, I knew it, I knew it.  I was in shock over how my premonition had proven true.  I had expected to pay a stiff price for getting attached to Rachel, but not quite like this.  The heartache was unbearable.  Mark was very fortunate he did not remind me it is better to have loved and lost than never loved at all.  I probably would have punched him in the nose. 

As I keep saying, just because you think you have hit Rock Bottom does not mean you have hit Rock Bottom.