NOVEMBER 1975, the lost years, Age 26 SIDE CARS

During the Fall, I kept to my low-risk, low-return strategy of dating women I could walk away from when something inevitably went wrong.  I recall four women who came and went with the usual Alice in Wonderland rapidity.  I would tell Gaye the story, she would roll her eyes, chew me out, then make me promise to return next week at the end of the hour.  I would give her a wry smile and reassure her I would be back for more punishment.

What would happen if I actually took a big risk for a change?  Beats me.  I refused to take one.  I am referring to Becky of course.  I was mesmerized by her looks, her confidence, and her dancing ability.  I wanted so much to ask her out.  However, as usual, my ever-present Phobia prevented me from approaching a very attractive woman unless she made the first move.  Repeating the same mistake I had made with Katie, I was too terrified to ask Becky out without prior encouragement. 

Some men might have the guts to approach a woman of Becky's caliber without fear of rejection, but that would not be me.  Instead I kept hoping some situation would pop up to allow me to break past the student-teacher barrier without risking too much.  I was dying to see what Becky was like behind her teacher's mask, but not once did I dare reveal my interest.  Consequently, Becky's September-October line dance class came and went without me making the slightest move.  It aggravated me no end to see myself repeat the same mistake with Becky as with Katie.  Some fools never learn.  However, one day something very unusual happened.  Without warning, a magic opening appeared. 

Following my October birthday, I was 26 and still going nowhere.  How are we coming on the career issue?  Hmm.  Don't ask.  At the start of November, I signed up to repeat Becky's line dance class.  When Becky introduced herself to the new students, she mentioned she had been a cheerleader in college.  With a smile, Becky recalled how her male colleagues threw her high in the air after every touchdown.  Now I was even more intimidated at the thought of asking this accomplished woman out for a date.  Becky was so far out of my league.  Why would a woman with so much going for her be interested in a nobody like me? 

The following week, prior to the start of class two of the students approached Becky.  I watched with interest as they asked if Becky knew anything about dance acrobatics.  Gary and Denise explained they were getting married early next year and wanted to do something spectacular at the end of their wedding dance.  Perhaps Becky knew something about a specific move from her days as a cheerleader.  While I watched with curiosity, Becky said she would help if she could.  Did Gary have anything in mind?  Yes.  Gary knew exactly what he wanted.  However, so far he had been unable to make it work properly. 

Becky replied, "Gary, see if you and Denise can demonstrate at least something of what you are talking about."

So Gary and his fiancée got into an odd position where Denise sat on Gary's thigh.  They didn't have a clue what they were doing, but when Gary tried unsuccessfully to lift Denise in the air, Becky saw enough to figure out what they were after.  Becky called their move 'Side Cars', adding that she knew the pattern well from her cheerleader days.

Denise said, "Can you show us how it works?"

Without warning, Becky said sure.  Then she turned and looked at me.

"Rick, come over here for a moment.  I can use you to explain to this couple how the man and the woman connect to each other."

I was shocked.  This was the first time Becky had spoken directly to me in two months.  I had no idea why she picked me, but I was flattered to be asked.  Becky used me to give a rough idea of how the move looked.

Becky explained to Gary that Stage One started with the woman clasping her hands behind the man's neck while the man put his hands on her hip bones.  Then Becky turned to me.  She placed my hands on her hips, then put her own hands around my neck.  Aroused by the touch of her, my eyes bulged so much they nearly fell out of their socket.  Wow, this could be interesting. 

Now Becky told me to lift her up into the air in front of me.  This much I could do.  Becky initiated the move by jumping up in a half-hearted way, but she was so light I placed her much higher than she expected.  After Becky landed, she looked at me in surprise.  "You are stronger than I realized."

Becky turned her attention back to the couple.  She gave a little demonstration hop to hint how it worked, then pointed to my left hip.

"Ordinarily I could go even higher than I just did if I jumped harder.  At the high point, I would twist my body in order to land my left hip against Rick's left thigh on my way down."

Then she turned to me.  "Lift me again and try to put me on your left thigh."

So that is what we did.  Becky jumped hard, I lifted her high, then she twisted her body to aim past my left side.  I guided her to my left thigh, then lifted her up again and placed her on the floor.  I could barely believe this was happening.

Becky smiled.  "Perfect.  Good job."

Then she turned back to Gary and Denise.  Becky said Stage Two involved adding the man's right hip.  First the left side, then the right side, back in the air, down to the floor.  Placing the girl on both hips explained why it was called Side Cars.  From the right hip, the man will send her back in the air.  From there he could either set her down or move on to the Straddle in Stage Three.

When Gary asked if she could demonstrate Stage Three, Becky hesitated.  "There is a certain amount of risk involved in going further."

Gary replied, "Can you at least describe it?"

Stage Three sent the woman back up to a high point in the air directly in front of the man.  At the high point, the woman spread her legs and came down to straddle the man at his waist.  Her right leg was on his left side and her left leg was on his right side.  Gary and Denise were puzzled at Becky's explanation.  Gary said, "I am not sure I am following this.  Is there any way you can actually do the move with Rick?"

I gasped at the thought.  My imagination suggested this straddle was a rather intimate position.  Becky thought about it for a moment, then said, "Yeah, I guess so.  Let me ask Rick." 

Then Becky looked at me.  To my surprise, she didn't bother to ask.  I guess she assumed I was all for it.  If so, she was right.  "Rick, I want you to try this move with me.  Let me show you how it works."

"If the move is done correctly, after the Stage Three Straddle, the man can lift the girl above his head.  At the highest point, she will come to a brief stop above the man's head.  I would be vertical to the floor..."

I interrupted Becky at this point.  "You would be upside down above me?"

"Yes.  I would be upside down and my face would be touching your face.  My toes would point to the ceiling while I pressed my cheek against your cheek."

"What is the danger?"

"There is no guarantee that I won't keep going past the 12 o'clock balance point.  There is precision involved.  If you throw me too hard or I was lose my balance I might sail past the safety point and fall helplessly to the floor behind your back.  The only way to learn this without risk is to have a spotter.  But since no one here knows how to spot, I would rather you just put me down after Stage Three.  No need to take any chances.  Do you understand?" 

After I nodded, Becky decided I was ready to try the whole move, but then she hesitated. 

"Rick, I think you can do this.  But I repeat there is risk involved.  Do not let go and do not drop me.  But if you do drop me, pray that I am too hurt to get back up.  Because if I somehow survive, you better run and you better run fast because I'm really fast.  Unless I am crippled, I will catch you and possibly kill you.  Do not... repeat... do not drop me!  Do you understand??"

As Becky stared straight into my eyes, I solemnly promised I would not drop her.  I was also impressed. I thought she was pretty brave putting her life in the hands of a complete stranger.  Without further discussion, Becky grabbed my neck with both hands while I put my hands on her hip bones.  As she jumped into the air, I pushed her hips as high as I could till my arms were straight.  Once her hips were at eye level to my face, I began the left hip/right hip progression.  Then it was time for the Third Stage Straddle.  Since Becky was very light, I had no trouble handling her.  After the Straddle, it was time to finish.  I swung Becky high into the air.  Becky was so easy to lift, to my surprise she just kept going and going till she hit the High Noon balance point.  Becky magically stopped in mid-air above me.  Although I could not see, I imagine her toes pointed straight to the ceiling.  I felt I had her body under control, so I decided to let her pose for a while. 

Totally by accident, Becky had hit the dramatic Jackknife balance point.  Her face was against mine and her body made a straight line to the ceiling.  Since Becky was completely under control, I held her still.   One chimpanzee, two chimpanzee, three chimpanzee.  The applause was warm and spontaneous.  This was a very brave girl.  After giving Becky her chance to display her skill, I brought her safely back to earth.  Becky landed perfectly, gave into her knees to cushion, then bounced up in triumph with a big smile. 

As Becky took a well-deserved bow, the onlookers were amazed.  They rewarded us with further claps, cheers and whistles.  Hey, I almost applauded as well.  I was astonished at our success.  Becky and I had executed this complicated, quite dangerous move to perfection on our very first try.  In particular we were able to hit the dramatic Jackknife position without any prior training.  Not bad considering I had no idea what this move was even supposed to look like.  Give credit to Becky.  She had a technique using her arms on my neck which made her body very light and easy to control.  Even though I was the one lifting her, it felt like Becky did all the work.  Becky used her powerful arms against my neck as leverage to maneuver her body up and down, up and down.  I could not believe her athletic ability.  Only a great athlete could have pulled off that trick with so much ease.  

Becky stared at me with new appreciation during the applause.  Not only was Becky happy to be safe, she was impressed.  However, she did not say a word to me.  All she did was smile.  Then her expression changed to curiosity. 

"Rick, have you done this before and didn't tell me?  How did you manage to hit that Jackknife position?  I didn't show that to you because it is too dangerous.  But you did it so perfectly I wasn't scared, so I just stayed there till you brought me down."

"No, I've never seen this move.  It was easy.  You are light as a feather, Becky.  You did it yourself.  When I swung you up, I was about to bring you down, but stopped when I felt you hit some sort of balance point.  Since your body felt under control, I saw no reason to rush bringing you down.  I was amazed at how easy you are to control."

Becky nodded thoughtfully.  "I had no idea you were that strong, Rick.  I didn't expect to hit that pose, but you threw me so high I decided to stick it.  I agree with you.  You had me under control at all times.  By the way, you are very good at this.  You should have been a cheerleader!"

I was flush with excitement.  I could not believe Becky had trusted me to perform this dangerous move.  Let me add it had been quite a treat to have this voluptuous woman in my arms.  During our training stage, we were in close contact.  I could not believe what an amazing body Becky had!  I smiled just thinking about it.  Wouldn't it be to nice to put my hands on that incredible body again some time?  Nor did I feel any guilt over my impure thoughts.  Hey, I earned the right!  Acrobatics definitely had its advantages.

Suddenly I realized Becky was looking at me longer than necessary.  She said nothing, but I got the feeling she was sizing me up.  Maybe she was just as surprised as I was at how well we had just clicked.  Would we click in other ways?  Or maybe she was giving me a chance to say something.  A woman who looked like Becky did not need to make the first move.  Was her lingering gaze a secret encouragement?   If so, I did not have that kind of courage, not with all these people looking.  What if she laughed at me?  I was terrified of making the first move, but I knew this was my chance.  If Becky had just said one single word of encouragement, anything, I would have acted on my crush.  But I choked.  Just as I was trying to think of the right thing to say, the window of opportunity closed.

Without warning, Becky put her dance teacher mask back on and abruptly turned her attention back to the dance couple.  Seeing the moment was lost, a wave of futility engulfed me.  In a manner identical to Katie, I had missed a golden opportunity due to a case of cold feet.  I was ashamed of myself.  There was a difference between Becky and Katie.  With Katie, I never said something because the thought never occurred to me at the right time.  With Becky, I was well aware of my big chance, but failed in the clutch.  Beset by a renewal of powerful self-loathing, I retreated behind several students while Becky talked to Gary and Denise. 

What was wrong with me?  I had prayed for an opening and the Universe granted my wish.  I had impressed the girl with my athletic ability, but at the critical moment, I blew my big chance.  Why was I always so pathetic?  At this point, Becky resumed her class.  When no one was looking, I turned and walked out of the room so no one would see the shame written on my face.  Right now, I hated myself with a purple passion.  Becky had picked me for this difficult move without hesitation.  This suggested she knew I existed.  Perhaps she had her eye on me the entire time and I just never knew it.  I had impressed her today and she had smiled back with appreciation.  How much more encouragement did I need? 

After talking over what happened with Gaye, eventually I got my self-contempt under control.  I sheepishly returned the following week, but Becky never said a word.  To my dismay, I realized my Invisibility Cloak was back.  However, all was not lost.  There were five remaining classes to try to say something.  Each week I showed up thinking that maybe I would get a second chance.  Throughout each class all I did was think about asking Becky out.  So did I ask her out?  Are you kidding?  Heck, no!  I wouldn't dream of asking a woman out that I might develop feelings for.  Since Becky was perfect for me, that meant she was automatically off limits. 

Here is what bothered me.  I had been dancing virtually non-stop for the past year and a half.  I was a good dancer.  Not a Superstar, mind you, but better than most.  There were probably a handful of heterosexual men who could dance to Disco music better than me, but so what?  I was good enough to hang with the best.  The dance floor was meant to be my Stage, the place where I could impress a woman.  So why did I panic when the perfect opportunity came along?  Since Becky loved to dance, what was I waiting for? 

On the day we performed Sidecars, if I had possessed the courage to stick around, I could have gone up to Becky after class and started a conversation about our acrobatics success.  If she frowned or showed little interest, I could have taken the hint and backed off, no harm done.  And if Becky was interested in me, she could meet me halfway by showing interest.  If she seemed receptive, surely I could take it from there, maybe find the courage to ask her to go Disco dancing with me.  If I had a brain... which I didn't... I could have pointed out how much fun it would be to try a couple acrobatic moves like Side Cars on the dance floor.  Besides that, where else was Becky going to find a guy who could join her side by side in the various line dances popular at the time?

Of course Becky was a better dancer than I was, but so what?  I did not have to be a better dancer than Becky.  I just had to be a better dancer than most men.  That much I could do.  I doubt seriously that Becky knew many guys who were superior to me.  I was certain I could hang with her on the dance floor.  For crying out loud, I had invested a year and a half in dancing just so I could impress a woman like Becky.  Who knows what would have developed from there? 

But it was no use.  For the next five weeks, my Rejection Phobia kept me paralyzed from making any kind of move.  In the process, my continued cowardice made me sick in my stomach.  I cannot even begin to explain how angry I was at myself.  I felt like the soldier pinned down on the beach at D-Day.  I knew I had to move, but I was too scared to force myself to move.  What was my problem?  I remained caught in the vise grip of an illness I could not conquer.