MYSTERY OF THE TEXAS TWOSTEP

CHAPTER THIRTY ONE:

PICKING UP THE PIECES

Written by Rick Archer 

LIMBO MONTH ONE MONDAY, OCTOBER 8, 1979 PICKING UP THE PIECES

It was Monday October 8.  Time to get back to work.  Time to move on.  Time to seize the day by the horns.  Yeah, right.  As if I cared.  I cannot recall a time when I was more deflated or depressed.  I have a hunch I had entered my Darkest Day.

Doorstep Night and the ensuing U-Turn Week were exhausting.  Bewildered by the unexpected absence of my common sense on Doorstep Night, I spent Sunday in a day-long consideration of Fate and Cosmic Blindness.  I was convinced something extraordinary had taken place in my life, but who was I going to talk to about it?  No one.  Perhaps the Reader thinks I was comforted by my philosophical approach.  Absolutely not.  Not only had I thrown away the girl I loved, I was appalled to see Victoria reassert her control over me.  Depressed out of my mind, I hovered near Rock Bottom. 

I wondered if I had any future with Jennifer.  Probably not.  As for Victoria, she claimed that having slept together and lived together bound me to her in perpetuity.  So what if we now lived apart?  Given the profound "sacrifice of her marriage" on my behalf, she claimed the right to demand exclusive control of my loyalty. 

No more Madame X.  And no Madame Y and Z for that matter.  I belonged completely to Victoria.  Any violation of her dictate would result in the publication of the oft-threatened Blackmail letter.  Say goodbye to the studio.  

What studio?  The dance studio was a mere shell of its former self.  Every night required a supreme effort of will to show up and teach small classes ranging from 6 to 12 students.  It was so depressing to go through the motions every night.  The exception, of course, was my Die Hard class of 25.  But even that class was depressing.  Every one of my students knew the clock was ticking, but they were determined to stick it out to the end just like I was.  I was reminded of a science-fiction story titled On the Beach.  A submarine surfaces in Australia following a nuclear holocaust that has claimed most of the world's population.  Australia has been spared due to its remote location.  However, it is just a matter of time till the trade winds bring radiation to its shores.  And so every day becomes a death watch.  Will today be the end?  That is more or less how I felt whenever I entered the studio.

What was there to hope for?  Country-Western perhaps, but given the intensity of my depression, I lost all interest.  Yes, it was true that I believed Meyerland was a Fated Event.  But that was no guarantee that things would turn out well.  On the day I received a full scholarship to attend graduate school at Colorado State University, I thought that was luckiest break of my life.  Instead I hit Rock Bottom.  It was not until Saturday Night Fever came along four years later that I finally recovered my confidence.  The way things were going right now, more than likely Meyerland would turn out to be a dead end just like graduate school.  The way I felt at the moment, I had absolutely no interest in becoming a Western teacher.  I would rather just blow it off and move on to another job after Christmas.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 8 lunch with Jennifer

Jennifer agreed to meet for lunch on Monday, October 8.  I hardly expected a warm reception.  Sure enough, Jennifer was cold and formal.  I hoped the announcement that Victoria had left my house for good would thaw her out, but no such luck.  I failed to see the slightest hint of a smile. 

I tried to explain that this unexpected living experiment had been a fiasco from the start, but my explanations failed to soothe Jennifer's anger.  In fact, Jennifer did most of the talking.  This was uncharacteristic for her.  Previously in our relationship, Jennifer had been the quiet one.  Not today.

"I am traumatized beyond words.  I do not like sharing you with Victoria one bit.  This past week I have been consumed by intense degrees of anger and jealousy I did not know I was capable of.  I am furious at you for letting Victoria move in.  I am also disgusted by your weakness.  I knew all along the moment Victoria snapped her fingers, you would obey."

Doing my best to stay calm, I answered, "Before I respond to that, where do you stand with Jeff?"

"Oh my God, I don't know.  I am fond of him, but there's no real spark.  However, I didn't close the door completely.  I wanted to clear things up with you before making a final decision.  So I come home from Dallas thinking you could help me get past my fears about Victoria and look what I find.  I cannot believe you slept with that bitch.  What in the hell did you do that for?"

Ouch!  Jennifer's words were very painful.  However, if we were ever going to get back together, I had to let her get this off her chest without being defensive.  After recapping how I had boxed myself in with the Ultimatum, Jennifer shook her head in disgust.

"Rick, I don't question your decision to let Victoria through your door.  There were humanitarian issues involved.  Victoria was out of control.  However, there was no reason why you had to sleep with her.  What obligated you to sleep with her?  I have no choice but believe you had sex with her because you wanted to." 

Jennifer stared darts at me.  She obviously wanted a reply, but the less I said, the better.  So she continued.

"This changes everything.  For starters, it calls into question your judgment.  Your Ultimatum was what killed you.  Even if you were bluffing, you had no business suggesting for a moment that she leave her husband for you and move in.  You were dealing with an unstable woman.  How stupid can you be?  Now I am very skeptical you will ever have the strength to get rid of her.  From where I stand, it looks like Victoria has her hooks into you so deep she owns you.  Your dance studio is the only thing on earth which appears to mean anything to you.  As long as she has the power to destroy your program, Victoria will control you.  I have known this from the moment you first explained your situation two weeks ago.  You asked me to explain why I chose to bail and go see Jeff, well, there it is.  Given how hopeless your trap is, I cannot visualize a happy future for you and me."

I did not dare tell Jennifer that my ex-girlfriend Patricia had said the exact same thing about Victoria many times.  So had Joanne.  In addition, Jennifer understood the lengths I was willing to go to save my dance program.  That was her point.  She expected I would sacrifice her before I sacrificed something I considered my life's work.  As she put it, it is easier to replace a woman than a career.  If push came to shove, unfortunately she was right.  However I would be an idiot to confirm her suspicion.  I much preferred to have Jennifer in my life along with the studio. 

"Look, Jennifer, hindsight is 20-20.  The woman showed up on my doorstep in desperation.  Victoria said I promised her if she ever moved out of her home, I would be there for her.  What was I supposed to do?  I felt obligated by my own words to let her in.  But she is gone now, so maybe she will relinquish her hold.  In her mind, I kept my word, so the immediate crisis is over.  Even better, now that she has learned just how futile things are between us, Victoria has lost interest in me.  I expect her to move on soon."

"Don't be ridiculous.  You have slept with this woman, so she can use that to control you.  She cannot return to her husband, so that makes you the only friend she has left.  Like I said before, I don't question your decision to let her in your home.  As crazy as she is, she might have gone off the deep end if you sent her packing.  However, I still don't understand what obligated you to sleep with her.  All you had to do was tuck her into bed and go find the couch.  Instead you lost your sense of judgment." 

Those words had stung when Jennifer said them over the phone earlier in the week, but they were even more painful now as she spat out her venom in person.  I felt like I had been punched in the stomach.  Damn it, Jennifer was right.  I wished I had thought of using the couch or the spare bedroom.  Too bad the thought never occurred to me. 

"Obviously having sex with her was a huge mistake, but Victoria insisted.  She said she had just thrown her marriage away.  Since I had promised to enter into a serious relationship if she left her husband, Victoria demanded that I back up the words in my Ultimatum.  I never imagined how badly her decision would backfire, but now I was trapped."

"Oh, my lord, Rick, you should listen to yourself.  You make it sound like you were honor-bound to commit adultery.  And you expect me to applaud?  There are plenty of ways to prove your love has nothing to do with sex.  Did it ever occur to you to call Michael to come get her?  Re-read your goddamn Ultimatum.  It did not promise that you would sleep with her.  Let her in the door, calm her down, then call her husband.  You had to be an idiot not to see that.  Bottom line, you made a choice.  You chose her over me.  I will never forget that.  How do you expect a relationship with me to work when we both know you chose another woman at such a critical juncture?  Now that you have failed this test, how do you expect me to ever trust you again completely?  Your decision will stick in my mind for the rest of my life!  I cannot build a relationship with this knowledge permanently etched in my mind."

With that, I lost my temper.

"My, my, Jennifer, aren't you the self-righteous one!  So you say I failed my test.  Maybe so, but do you think you passed your test?  Like hell you did!!  Why did you keep me in the dark about Jeff for a month?  Why did you run to your security blanket at the first sign of trouble?  Why didn't you reassure me when I called you on Monday night to ask where you and Jeff stood?  No, Jennifer, first you ran back to your fiancé and then you failed to stand up for me on Monday night when you had the chance!   And now you have the nerve to claim I failed a test?  Give me a break.  You need to take some responsibility!  It was your lies of omission that started this nasty chain reaction to begin with!!  And now you talk like you have some sort of goddamn moral high ground that gives you the right to point your finger at me.  Well, guess again.  It was your betrayal of me that initiated this Theater of the Macabre in the first place."

Jennifer paled visibly at my accusation.  Still furious, I continued in a heated voice.

"Point one, if you had ditched your on and off fiancé like I asked you to, we wouldn't be in this spot to begin with.  Point two, you never called me Sunday night.  Why not?  Point three, your Sunday silence is what caused me to issue the Monday Ultimatum.  Did it not dawn on you that I was on pins and needles with worry all weekend?  I stood up to Victoria on Monday morning because I was scared to death of losing you!  Point four, if you had given me the slightest encouragement on Doorstep Night over the phone, there would have been no sex.  I felt abandoned by you.  I acted the way I did with Victoria because I was 95% certain I had already lost you to Jeff.  And now you have the nerve to point out how I have betrayed you?  Who started this betrayal stuff in the first place?  Who got on the phone to call Jeff at the first sign of trouble?  What do you say to that, Jennifer?"

Jennifer didn't respond, but I wish she had.  Then maybe I would have understood her baffling behavior better.  My tirade shut her up, but it failed to bring her back to me.  Deeply shaken, Jennifer looked at her watch.  "This is a good time for me to get back to work."

I lost my temper again.  "Is this how you are going to leave it, Jennifer?  Are you going to run at every storm cloud?  Do you quit that easily?"

"No, maybe, I don't know.  You have raised some valid points.  I am very confused right now and need to sort things out.  Call me tomorrow night after class and we can talk some more.  But right now I am too upset to continue."

I took this as a promising sign.  At least she was open to talking further.  After the hell I had been through, I prayed Jennifer would give me another chance.  With my life falling apart, I had never needed someone quite as much as I needed Jennifer now. 

Tuesday NIGHT, OCTOBER 9 car talk

As for my relationship with Victoria, that was kind of curious.  Following our conversation on U-Turn Saturday, I did not hear from her on Sunday or Monday.  Nor did I hear from her during the day on Tuesday.  When I offered to go to her car on Tuesday night after class, to my surprise, Victoria said nothing.  Instead she just stared at me intently.  Was she reading my mind?  Maybe so.  One quick Black Magic Woman mind scan was all she needed to know that I was being a good boy (not by choice).

After she finished, Victoria said, "We don't need to talk tonight.  I need to get home."  That's all she said.

The same thing happened on Thursday.  It seemed like the moment Victoria moved home, she completely lost interest in me.  She still kept tabs on me, but only in a distracted way.  At least Victoria had something to live for, her daughter Stephanie.  I envied her.  The rest of her time she spent arguing with Michael.  That much I did not envy.

What did Michael have to say about Victoria's return?  Boy, I wish I knew the answer to that.  I wanted so much to apologize and explain my side of the story.  However, I was convinced Michael hated my guts, so it was best not to say a word.  I assumed Victoria had fed him a pack of lies about my role in this, so I doubted he would listen with an open mind.  And so I remained the villain in his eyes.

Tuesday NIGHT, OCTOBER 9 PHONE CALL TO JENNIFER

Relieved of the burden to talk to Victoria, I called Jennifer when I got home.  She asked me to explain in more detail what went through my mind when Victoria appeared on my doorstep. 

I decided Victoria's deception was the best place to begin.    "This is difficult to explain, but Victoria told me she had left Michael to move in with me.  She said that bold move alone should prove how much she loved me.  Based on what she said, I was convinced she was serious.  Figuring I was stuck with her as my new roommate, when Victoria pointed to the bed, I lost my mind and cooperated.  The moment we had sex, she broke into hysterical tears.  She had just realized she had made a terrible mistake.  After a week to think it over, she turned around and moved home."

"If she had no intention to stay, then why was she there in the first place?"

"This is very complicated, but I had pressured her to make up her mind that same morning.  She had raised  the possibility of moving in with me several times in September.  I was afraid of losing you, so I issued an Ultimatum.  I basically told her to fish or cut bait, that I was sick of waiting.  I told her she till the end of Monday to make up her mind or I was leaving her.  Which of course Victoria understood to mean that I was leaving her for you.  She decided that was unacceptable."

Jennifer winced.  "Tell me again what your Ultimatum said."

"I said move in with me today or leave me alone from here on out.  I was so certain she would never dream of moving in with me that I felt safe offering her a choice.  To my consternation, she actually told Michael she was leaving him.  Or at least that's what she told me.  To be honest, I am not sure what is going on between them.  What I do know is that Victoria was miserable at my house.  She was locked in grief the entire week.  It was clear from the outset that she had made a serious mistake."

"I still think you were ridiculous to put the offer of living together in writing, but it's too late now.  Do you believe she lied to you about moving in?"

"Yes, definitely.  I am convinced she spent all of Monday night in some sort of desperate argument with Michael.  I am almost certain that at some point he threw up his hands and said, "If you really want him that much, then go.  I'm not going to stop you.'"

"Did Michael really say that?"

"I have no idea, but I am sure he was at his wit's end.  All I know is what Victoria tells me.  She said Michael watched her go out the door, so I suppose he said something like that out of exasperation.  That's all Victoria needed to hear.  She threw her toothbrush in a suitcase and got in her car.  It was a rash, impetuous move born of desperation.  Personally, I think the woman was out of her mind."

"Are you serious?  The suitcase was empty?  It sounds to me like a last-minute hasty decision."

"I agree.  Every morning she left at dawn to return to home to care for her daughter.  If she was serious about moving in, at some point she would have discussed with me some arrangements for her daughter to come to my house for a visit.  Not one word.  Furthermore her actions during the week were indicative that she had no intention of sticking around."

"Why would she deceive you?" 

"Victoria is extremely competitive.  I don't think her pride could allow her to lose me to you, so she made an impulsive move at the last possible moment.  She wasn't thinking clearly.  It is difficult to see Victoria as a sympathetic figure, but I do feel sorry for her.  I am not sure she is in touch with Reality.  I still hate her, but not as much as I did last week."

"I don't feel one bit of sympathy.  I think she is a monster.  Now explain again why you had sex with her.  Previously you told me you were dead set against any kind of sexual relationship."

"I am so sorry I did that.  I was not thinking clearly.  In my mind, I thought by agreeing to let Victoria stay, I had lost you forever.  It never occurred to me to postpone having sex when she insisted.  You have my profound apology for being so stupid."

"Spare the apology.  The entire subject upsets me terribly.  However, what do you mean when you say she insisted?"

"Victoria is very cunning.  Throughout our relationship, I had repeatedly said I refused to have sex behind Michael's back.  However, as a way to pacify her, I would always add if she separated from Michael and he knew Victoria was moving in with me, I would consider a relationship.  So she brought over an empty suitcase and used it to fool me into thinking she was serious.  I think she deliberately rushed into sex because she knew that would obligate me to break it off with you and force me to remain committed to her."

"That is plausible.  But what kept you from seeing what she was up to?"

"That is a tough question.  I guess I was in shock.  Honestly, Jennifer, I was so upset at the thought of losing you that I was not thinking straight the entire day and night.  I figured that I was permanently stuck with Victoria, so what difference did it make when she beckoned me to join her.  In my mind, she was here to stay.  If not Monday night, then Tuesday or Wednesday.  It was going to happen eventually, so when Victoria took her clothes off and got into bed, I figured she wanted to get it over with.  Basically I went brain dead.  That's my only excuse.  In my heart, I did not want to do this."

"That was very poor judgment."

"Yes, I know.  It was a huge mistake that I seriously regret.  In my defense, I feel manipulated."

"What do you mean?"

"You've heard of women who get bullied by their bosses to have sex or lose their job.  To be perfectly honest, I thought I had already lost you to Jeff.  If I had been sure of your love that night, Victoria would have never gotten anywhere.  But I could not take the chance of losing both you and my dance career at the same time.  When you boil it down, I had sex to save my job."

Jennifer nodded.  "I doubt I will ever forgive you, but I do see your point.  So what happened afterwards?"

"Victoria fell to pieces the moment we finished.  She went crazy with grief.  'What have I done, what have I done!'  My guess is that Victoria had just discovered Michael meant a heck of a lot more to her than she realized.  In her haste to obligate me to her, she had just thrown away her marriage to a fine man.  She was crying like she had lost Michael forever."

"You make it sound like Victoria was out of her mind.  But you also told me she was the shrewdest woman you ever met.  Which is it, wise or wacko?

"That is a tough question.  It is easy to assume she is irrational.  She had to know this move invited terrible consequences, but she went through with it anyway.  To me, she committed the most blatant act of self-destruction I have ever witnessed.  I don't have the slightest idea what got into her.  When I spoke with Victoria that morning at the coffee shop and handed her my ultimatum, she knew the score.  She knew she was beaten.  However, sometime during the day she snapped and decided not to give in.  Her decision to confront me on my doorstep was so rash and foolhardy, I believe her judgment was just as impaired as mine was.  Who can say why?  She told me she could not bear the thought of losing me.  Do you know what I think?  I think Victoria is used to getting her way.  She has some sort of sick competitive streak that refuses to let another woman win.  She destroyed Joanne, she destroyed Patricia, now she is hell-bent on destroying you.  Due to her extreme need to dominate, my cynical side suggests her main objective was to get me into bed as fast as possible.  This way she could eliminate you by re-invoking the Blackmail Threat.  Once her mission was accomplished, she moved back home.  The woman deceived me to get her way.  Victoria is nuts, but she is also crafty."

Jennifer paused for a second.  "I have a another question and I want a straight answer."

I raised an eyebrow.  "Okay, what's the question?"

"Do you feel guilty?"

I gave Jennifer a curious look.  "Actually no, I don't feel guilty.  I feel regret, but not guilt.  Starting in April I told her repeatedly I would not have an Affair.  However, if she left her husband, yes, then I would be open to a relationship.  I also added many times that I thought saving her marriage gave her a far better chance for happiness than her pursuit of me."

Jennifer glared at me.  "So you feel no responsibility for her decision.  Your position is that she showed up on your doorstep of her own Free Will."

"From my vantage point, I feel like she bullied me into participation.  She threatened my career and she tricked me by claiming undying love on my Doorstep.  However at the same time I acknowledge I played a key role in ruining her marriage.  So, to answer your question, no, I do not feel guilty, but I do feel some responsibility.  For that reason, I fully intend to see what I can do to repair the damage." 

Jennifer said nothing for a while.  Eventually she spoke up. 

"Your story is the craziest thing I have ever heard."

"Jennifer, I am sorry I hurt you.  I admit I made a terrible mistake, but for the life of me I never wanted Victoria to call my bluff.  I regret that I fell for the woman's deceit and let her through the door.  Will you please forgive me?  If you will just stand by me through Victoria's turmoil, I will do everything in my power to move my life in a direction away from Victoria.  Let's try again.  Please?"

Jennifer shook her head.

"Not so fast.  I am very wounded.   The way I feel, I am not even remotely ready to try again.  However, I do agree you were tricked.  I even believe you when you say the sex took place under false pretenses.  Victoria saw a way to corner you and took advantage."

"So what is the problem?  If you accept that I am telling the truth, then why can't you forgive me?"

"What bothers me goes much deeper than just your betrayal.  I hate the utter insanity of your day-to-day life.  There is something wrong with Victoria.  What woman in her right mind treats her husband like that?  I have never heard of a woman who bullies her husband to this extent.  She thinks she can get away with anything.  Even if you stand up to her, what good will it do?  This woman takes insane pleasure from controlling you.  She will make your life miserable for a long time to come.  You want to know something?  I really don't want to have any part of it.  The way I feel right now, I want to walk away."

"Please don't say that!  Victoria got what she wanted.  She will never set foot in my house again.  Now that I have crossed the line, Victoria claims she has power over me.  But her power is only temporary.  By forcing herself on me, all she did was buy herself a little time.  From now on she will be facing the fury of Michael.  She will pay a huge price for spending the past week with me."

"Rick, admit it, you don't have the control, she does.  Last Monday you made a huge power play to free yourself, but you are like the tar baby in Uncle Remus.  The harder you struggle, the worse you get stuck in the trap.  Victoria pushes you around like a play toy.  Is that how you want to live your life?  Just explain the end game here.  Can you do that?  I don't think so."

"Jennifer, I understand that you are disgusted by the neverending drama.  But it cannot go on forever.  Michael may be moving out of his home and filing for divorce.  If that happens, Victoria will be preoccupied with watching her daughter full-time.  Once she loses her built-in babysitter, her hands will be tied.  Furthermore she hates Country-Western even more than I do.  When Disco dies, she will let go, I am sure of it.  There will no longer be any spotlight to strive for.  Right now she is letting anger and adrenaline fuel her defiance.  But that cannot last, I am sure of it.  All we have to do is wait her out.  Be patient and stand by me!"

"Rick, you don't understand.  This woman is sick!  Her life is out of control.  It could be years before she pulls herself back together.  What's next, Rick?  Do you have any clue what Victoria will do next?  She is unpredictable and dangerous and she is willing to hurt you.  Just look how she treated her husband if you don't believe me.  There is no way you can have a public fight with Victoria and come out unscathed.  Your studio and reputation will be terribly damaged.  With Disco fading, any kind of controversy at all will cause you to lose your dance career completely.  Then what will you do?  Your whole life is wrapped around that dance studio."

"I agree that Victoria is a tough pill to swallow.  But why do you have so little patience?  I promise you her insanity has a time limit.  The death of Disco, the threat of divorce, Michael's possession of the moral high ground, the fear of losing her daughter.  Every one of those factors will take the fight out of her.  Please don't give up!  It is just a matter of time."

"You don't get it, do you?  Let me explain it again, Rick.  You have no answer for Victoria because you are unable to anticipate what she will do next.  You admit her behavior makes no sense.  Since you live your life by logic, you are unable to guess what this crazy woman's plans are.  She blind-sided you with her Blackmail threat, she blind-sided you with her Doorstep trick, and she blind-sided you with what you call her U-Turn.  She will blind-side you again and again because you don't think like her.  The woman is unstable.  Her insanity will last far longer than you can ever imagine.  Not only that, she loves to spin your life in circles.  She does the same thing to her husband.  I never seen a woman with such power to manipulate.  How she manages to make two men who can't stand her continue to do her bidding is beyond me.  

Listen to me, I don't want to be a part of it!  I'm sorry, but I can't take all this drama anymore.  I have no tolerance for an enemy like her.  I am an accountant because I prefer a nice, ordered, predictable existence.  I derive great pleasure from adding up columns of figures alone in my office every day.  Your crazy life goes completely contrary to my nature.  I want stability, I want security, I want to feel safe.  I do not wish to spend months and years affected by this bizarre volatility.  I do not like your rollercoaster existence.  I like to be in control and that will never happen with Victoria around always causing trouble.

Yes, I can put my foot down and say she goes or I go, but I don't think that is fair to you.  If you make the slightest mistake in how you deal with that woman, your career is over.  I don't want that on my conscience.  And I don't see another path that holds real promise.  That is why a major part of me wants out.  Now you know the real reason why I went to see Jeff.  He may be a little boring, but he is more predictable than the phases of the moon.  I like that about him.  I know it hurts you to hear this, but that is how I feel.  I want to jump off the train before the crash.  However, I haven't given up completely.  Let some time pass.  As my emotions calm down, let's see if some of your predictions come true.  Right now I need space.  We can talk again next week.  Good night."

I had hoped Jennifer would offer more promise, but she kept me at arm's length the entire time.  She guarded her heart like Fort Knox.  What bothered me most was seeing her act more like a bank officer than a girlfriend.  Jennifer had analyzed my situation and determined it carried substantial risk versus uncertain return.  For that reason, Jennifer had decided not to invest further romantic capital given my lack of power.  In business terms, Jennifer had called in the loan on her affection and suspended further investment for the time being. 

I had no one to blame but myself, so I accepted her decision to put our relationship on hold.  Jennifer had left the door slightly ajar, so maybe there was hope, but not much.  Certainly not enough hope to ward off the massive depression that I was mired in.