MYSTERY OF THE TEXAS TWOSTEP

CHAPTER THIRTY THREE:

LIMBO

Written by Rick Archer 

LIMBO MONTH ONE SUNDAY, OCTOBER 21, 1979 BRONCO BILL REMATCH

It was Sunday, October 21, our sixth Meyerland class of eight.  As usual, I was not looking forward to teaching this class.  However, tonight I was determined to do a better job of teaching despite my animosity.  I did not wait for Bronco Bill to come up to me, but rather I marched up to him the moment he arrived to apologize for leaving early last week.

"Listen, Bill, I am sorry I didn't answer your questions last week, but I was preoccupied by the need to get to a Disco contest I had been asked to judge."

I was amused to notice Joanne have a heart attack.  She did not know that I had prepared for this.  As for Bill, based on his expression, he was so taken by surprise that he did not know how to respond.  His consternation allowed me the chance to turn and address the entire class. 

"Last week, Bill asked several excellent questions that I failed to answer due to a prior commitment.  Let me answer those questions now.  A unit of Polka is based on six steps to four beats.  Most Polka music is recorded at speed range close to 120 beats per minute." 

Then I turned to Joanne.  "Please play song 11 on the Willie and Waylon album, the Wurlitzer song."

After announcing to the class that the song was 120 beats per minute, I counted out the music as I danced Polka with Joanne, "1 and 2, 3 and 4".  In the process I did everything in my power to keep the beat. 

Joanne was in shock as we danced.  She whispered, "Where did you learn that?"

"Later," I said.  Then I paused for a moment.  It was time to take a risk.  Despite my anxiety, I added, "Does anyone have any other questions?  What about you, Bill?" 

Bill was still frowning when he responded.  "Yes, actually I do.  What about Twostep?  What is the timing and the footwork?"

I gulped.  I wasn't sure, but I still believed a Foxtrot and a Twostep had something in common.  I decided to go out on a limb and gamble that I was correct.  Betting the farm, I spoke in a voice that suggested absolute confidence on the issue. 

"Twostep, the dance we are going to start tonight, uses four steps to six beats.  It uses the rhythm 'Slow Slow Quick Quick'."

"What speed of music is the Twostep danced to?"

'Ready for the Times to get Better' was 84 beats per minute, so I replied in my most authoritative voice. 

"Approximately 80 beats per minute, Bill.  The difference between a Twostep and Polka is the speed of the music.  Polka is 120 beats per minute more or less while Twostep is about 80 beats per minute.  Different music speeds call for different footwork." 

Bill was not done yet.  "What am I supposed to do, take a stop watch with me?"

I had asked Glen the same question, so all I had to do was parrot his answer.  "No, sir," I replied.  "There are several solutions.  The easiest is try the one you think it is.  If it doesn't work, try the other one.  Another solution is to hesitate before dancing.  This will allow you to study experienced dancers to see if they are using the Polka or Twostep.  Or you can just feel the music.  Once you get used to the music, you will feel the difference in the music speed and know instinctively what to do.  There's really nothing to worry about.  If neither dance feels right, maybe it's a Waltz.  If nothing works, have a beer and wait for the next song."

The quip about the beer drew a laugh.  Relaxing a bit, I smiled and asked Bill if he had any more questions.  Bill looked at me suspiciously, but seemed satisfied for now.  He thanked me for the information and that was that.  Problem solved thanks to Glen's Tuesday tutorial, Joanne's Wednesday practice, plus giving it a lot of thought in my spare time.  The Great Imposter had been forced to sacrifice another one of his nine lives of a cat, but the emergency had passed. 

After class was over, Joanne grabbed my arm in the parking lot.  I turned to find her staring at me incredulously.  Joanne had the strangest look on her face.  "Where in the hell did you learn all that?"

I laughed and told her I had persuaded Glen to help me.

Joanne shook her head in disbelief.  "You didn't say a word about that to me on Wednesday!  I showed up tonight thinking you were a goner.  You scared me to death.  What a lucky break that Glen came through for you!"

"No kidding."

Then Joanne said the oddest thing.  "Well, now that you have Glen, I guess you won't be needing me any longer."

I looked at her quizzically, but Joanne deliberately turned away and got in her car.  Hmm.  What was that all about? 

THE LIMBO HOLDING PATTERN

Following U-Turn Saturday on October 6, Victoria did not bother me for a while.  During the next two weeks, she skipped Car Talk on three of her four opportunities.  Nor did she call me once during the day.  I assumed Victoria ignored me thanks to the holocaust she had created in her home.  I was curious how things were going with Michael, but decided the less we talked, the better.  It was now the week of October 21.  I was surprised to see Victoria and Michael continue to live under one roof.  I assumed divorce was inevitable, but kept that opinion to myself.  I had yet to find a silver lining in Victoria's ill-fated conquest of my home, but at least the woman was leaving me alone. 

Victoria showed up twice a week to teach her class, then wasted little time heading back home.  In a way, that in itself was information.  Victoria did not seemed worried about Madame X in the least, a development that surprised me no end.  I was actually curious why the Gestapo no longer interrogated me on a regular basis.  If forced to guess, Victoria had dominated me so thoroughly during U-Turn Week, maybe she assumed I was permanently under her thumb.  Or maybe she was too preoccupied putting out fires with Michael and Stephanie.  Whatever the reason, Victoria paid little attention to me. 

Considering Victoria had referred to me as her 'Lover' when she renewed her Blackmail Threat, this was misleading.  During U-Turn Week, Victoria was not at all interested in sex.  That pattern continued after U-Turn Week was over.  During our one night of Car Talk, we never touched, we never kissed.  It blew my mind that Victoria had destroyed any chance of saving her marriage just to obtain the worst sex of her life.  All that for what???  Right now I felt like chopped liver.  Apparently I was only interesting when Victoria was worried about letting Jennifer have me.   On the fourth Tuesday of October, Victoria finally got around to checking up on me.  When she cornered me after class, I assumed it was time for Car Talk.  However I was wrong.  We spoke inside the studio.

Victoria said, "What have you done about Madame X?  Is she still in the picture?"

"Not really, but I have talked to her a couple times."

"Have you seen her?"

"Yes, I saw her once for lunch.  I thought she deserved an explanation."

"Are you sleeping with her?" 

"No.  Madame X doesn't give me the time of day.  She says she will never forgive me for choosing you over her."

Victoria smiled.  "Smart girl.  Let's keep it that way."  And then she walked off.

I was mystified by Victoria's light touch.  Madame X had once driven Victoria to the height of hysteria, but now she was unconcerned.  After thinking about it for a while, I was reminded that Victoria had uncanny instincts.  Back in September Victoria had sensed Jennifer's existence despite my lies and precautions.  Here in October Victoria sensed just the opposite.  Without the slightest bit of evidence that I was telling the truth, she took my word for it when I said Madame X had backed off.  I guess all she had to do was read my mind.  Score another point for Victoria's intuition.  I called her the Black Magic Woman for a reason.  Victoria truly had dark powers.  I was both impressed and intimidated.  There were many times when I flat-out hated Victoria.  However, I always respected her ability.  There was something very remarkable about the woman.  What a shame her Dark Side kept Sunshine Victoria locked in the dungeon.  I recalled how on Doorstep Night I had briefly seen the return of Sunshine Victoria. 

"I know I have no right to expect you to love me after some of the things I have done, but I believe we can grow past our distrust and fears if we truly commit.   All I ask is that you recognize we have the chance to be very special together."

Where had that woman disappeared to?  With a frown, I recalled how she had touched me deeply with that statement.  I could not tell Jennifer, but that speech was the real reason I let down my guard long enough to make love to Victoria.  I could very easily have fallen in love with Sunshine Victoria.  So where did she go?  I was haunted by the absence of Victoria's good side.  

Other than her mysterious 'Destiny Letter' [which we had never discussed], the wonderful side of Victoria never reappeared during U-Turn Week.  I wondered if there was any chance I would ever see Sunshine Victoria again.  If there was some way to release her inner demons, perhaps Victoria could return to being the special person I once knew. 

Just thinking about U-Turn Week made me sick.  I will never forget Victoria's week-long laments.  "What have I done, what have I done?"  According to her, we were supposed to become lovers and see if we could become Special.  Yeah, right.  Victoria's abject misery had turned those six days into the worst experience of my life.  We are supposed to be living together, right?  Not once did we share a meal.  Okay, maybe a bite of popcorn, but that was the extent of it.  Not once did we share coffee.  Not once did we have a conversation about what was going on in Victoria's mind.  For five straight nights she subjected me to her unending despair.  Most of the time she cried or stared blankly at the TV.  If she spoke at all it was to complain about how unhappy she was or blame me for something.  Good lord, how did I ever get myself into this mess?  All I could think about was how I had thrown away the woman I wanted to marry for a madwoman.

I felt falsely seduced by Sunshine Victoria's glowing words spoken in my living room on Doorstep Night.  Her hope we could be special together had turned into an empty promise.  What I got instead was a badly-shaken woman consumed with guilt for leaving her daughter, for betraying her husband, for being so impulsive.  Dracula, Medusa, Black Magic Woman, Snarling Tiger Woman, Sunshine Victoria, Sniveling Whining Woman.  I had no idea who I was dealing with.  Will the Real Victoria please stand up? 

I obsessed over an important mystery.  Did Victoria genuinely care about me or was she a scheming woman who deliberately tricked me into crossing the Forbidden Line?  Victoria said she loved me, but her actions revealed she was not nearly as in love as she claimed.  I bristled with anger over the strong possibility she had cynically lured me into sex to strengthen her Blackmail threat.  My overriding observation was now that she had me, Victoria could not care less.  What Victoria wants, Victoria gets.  And once she gets what she wants, she doesn't want it anymore unless someone else wants it.  I was reminded of Scarlett O'Hara, Victoria's alter ego.  When Melanie is on her death bed, she begs Scarlett to take her place at Ashley's side.  After pursuing Ashley with unbridled determination for one thousand pages, Scarlett suddenly realizes she doesn't want Ashley anymore.  All Scarlett has ever cared about is the challenge of getting what she can't have or shouldn't touch.  A very disturbing similarity.

I was especially bitter that Victoria had the nerve to use my mistake of crossing the Forbidden Line to re-establish her Blackmail Threat.  A tenet in the Quaker faith suggests there is a Light of God in every person.  How deep did I have to look to find Victoria's Light Switch?  Was there any way to restore her to the wonderful woman I had once known?

And what about Jennifer?  She had told me to wait a week before calling again.  When I called, she said nothing had changed, but call again sometime.  Two weeks had passed since U-Turn Saturday and I was still being ignored by both women.

I wondered just how long this state of Limbo was going to last.  

MONDAY, OCTOBER 22 ANOTHER C&W CONFRONTATION

My problems never ceased.  Following my triumphant handling of the Bronco Bill Rematch, I assumed I had a chance to catch my breath.  Not so.  The following night I faced another confrontation with Lynette and her friends.  It was Monday, October 22.  When our Disco Acrobatics class ended at 9, the threesome wasted no time cornering me again.  Jim, Jerry and Lynette took turns pressuring me to offer a Western class on Mondays in November. 

Jim spoke first.  "Have you made your mind up about Western?

"No," I replied, "but I'm still thinking about it.  I still have one Monday left in October to make up my mind.  I intend to decide this week."

Jerry chimed in.  "That's what you said last week.  Each time someone talks to you, all you do is brush us off.  Why won't you commit to teaching Western in November?  Everyone can see Disco is on its death bed.  Don't you want to extend your teaching career?"

Before I could answer, Jerry spoke up.  "Personally, I'm getting tired of your runaround.  If you won't teach us, we will be forced to look for Western classes somewhere else."

I frowned.  Not very subtle.   Now it was Lynette's turn.  "C'mon, Rick, I like you as a teacher.  You've been my Disco teacher since March.  I like your style and your goofy sense of humor and so does the rest of the class.  Don't you want to keep us around?"

I wanted to tell all three of them to forget about it and just leave me alone.  However I bit my tongue at the last second.  "I will let you know next Monday.  You have my word on that."

They were ready to argue more, but I walked out the door.  I was so depressed. 

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 23 DESPAIR OVER COUNTRY-WESTERN

My pessimism was especially intense as I drove to Glen's dance studio on Tuesday morning.  With the Twostep Trio pestering me, all I could think about was how poorly my Meyerland class had gone so far.  Not only did I despise the music, the dancing was so simple a child could pick up.  Why pursue something I hated when it was unlikely I could make a living at it?  Angry at Victoria, frustrated by Jennifer, bitter towards Western, I walked into Glen's studio in a dark mood.  Too upset to practice C&W or Disco, I struck up a conversation instead.  Today I needed a friend more than I needed a dance lesson.  So what if I was paying $30 an hour?  Cheaper than paying a therapist. 

"Glen, I am going insane.  This Urban Cowboy crap has me sick in my stomach.  I have spent the past two years becoming the best Disco dancer and teacher I can possibly be, but what good did it do me?  It makes me sick to think that all my hard work is about to go down the drain.  All I ever wanted was to teach Disco for the rest of my life."

Glen nodded sympathetically.  "Why don't you move to Miami?  I just got back from a dance workshop there.  While I was in Miami, I checked out the dance scene.  Disco is huge and no one talks about Urban Cowboy.  The weather in Florida is great and you would love those sexy Cuban girls.  One night of watching those women move on the dance floor, you would forget about your Country problems."

I was exasperated by his comment.  Glen was absolutely correct.  Hmm.  Miami sounded pretty good right now.  Too bad I had a house payment.

"Glen, answer me this.  How on earth did Houston manage to become the epicenter of the coming Country Catastrophe?  It drives me crazy to know Houston is the only place in the country being affected by Urban Cowboy.  When tornadoes hit, I suppose they have to hit somewhere, but I am going insane over my bad luck.  At least you can rebuild after a tornado, but Disco will never make a comeback."

"Maybe Western dancing isn't as bad as you think it is."

"To be perfectly honest, knowing what I know so far, I doubt that.  What do you think?  Have you ever been Western dancing?"

"I recall seeing some country dancing when I was a boy, but I didn't pay much attention.  There was a lot of kicker dancing where I grew up, but I avoided it at all costs."

Sensing a tale, I asked him to elaborate.  "Why did you avoid it?"

"I grew up in Pasadena not far from Gilley's, the giant honky-tonk.  I never went inside, but I passed by enough times to have a good idea what went on in there.  Pasadena was a serious redneck town when I was young.  Still is I guess.  I was a skinny kid and not into sports, so I got picked on a lot.  Someone discovered I took dance classes, so that marked me right there.  I wasn't much of a fighter and you had to be a fighter to survive in Pasadena.  I was different than the other boys, so I kept to myself.  Throughout high school, I spent most of my time looking over my shoulder to avoid the bullies.  I dreamed constantly of the day I could escape.  I hated Pasadena.  I hated the music, the beer, the guns, the rednecks, the bullies and the pickup trucks.  I would not set foot in Gilley's for all the money in the world."

"Well, that makes two of us.  I grew up hating everything Western just like you do, but for a different reason.  My mother was very poor, but through some fluke I got a scholarship to a rich kid's school called St. John's.  Some of the boys at the school were real snobs.  Their favorite pastime was to make fun of Texas A&M and stupid Aggies.  My fellow preppies worshipped the University of Texas football team and delighted in making fun of country people.  Practically every day some kid passed around a new Aggie joke to help their buddies feel superior.  I am ashamed to admit it, but their prejudice rubbed off on me.  I grew up hating Texas A&M simply because I was influenced by people who took pleasure in disrespecting country people.  Now that I am grown, I realize there is nothing wrong with Texas Aggies.  However, I can't say the same for the people in Pasadena."

"Why is that?"

"Thanks to my four years of investigating neglect and child abuse, I was forced to deal with the same kind of people you grew up with in Pasadena.  I consider people who are cruel to children to be the lowest form of humanity.  The men I met through my job were so hostile and bigoted they strongly reinforced my childhood dislike of country people."

"What was it you disliked?"

"Back when I investigated child abuse, I swear the Pasadena rednecks were the meanest people I had ever met.  Their foul mouths, surly attitudes and bigotry towards blacks disgusted me.  In house after house I saw Confederate flags and Ku Klux Klan symbols.  Some homes had swastikas.  Seeing how these neglected children feared their parents reinforced my worst prejudices."

Glen nodded.  "I had no idea you disliked Pasadena as much as I do.  Not only that, I did not know you grew up poor."

"I don't know if I could call myself poor.  I had a roof and never went hungry.  But being surrounded by so much wealth did bad things to my confidence.  I think I was the poorest kid to ever graduate from my school."

Glen smiled.  "I had no idea you grew up as an underdog.  We have that in common."

"The difference is that you have real talent at what you do, but not me.  Thanks to Jazz and Ballroom, you will continue to succeed as a dance teacher when Disco folds, but what about me?  I am at a complete loss.  I don't know what I am going to do when Disco dies.  I sure as hell don't want to teach country-western dancing."

Glen said nothing for a moment, then said, "You could always learn how to teach Ballroom."

When I gave him the dirtiest look possible, Glen replied, "Well, it's always a thought."

I took a deep breath.  "All right, enough crying in my beer.  Show me some more Foxtrot to get me through my next Meyerland lesson."

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 23 ROMEO AND JULIET

It was Tuesday night, October 23.  To my surprise, Victoria rushed out of the studio without a word the moment her class ended.  Obviously there was a fire to put out at home.  Since it was still early, on a whim I called Jennifer from the studio.  Considering I had not spoken to her in two weeks, I was pleased when Jennifer answered in a civil voice.  If I could just get Jennifer back, everything would be some much better.  My loneliness was killing me.

Jennifer was polite, but not friendly.  When it came to stubbornness, I gave Jennifer high marks.  She was willing to talk, but there were no signs of softening.  We went round and round, but I got nowhere.  Frustrated by my lack of progress, it was highly ironic to see my Negotiations had transferred from Victoria to Jennifer.  

It took quite a while, but Jennifer finally let down her guard. 

"I agonize constantly over what to do about you.  I know the smart thing is to walk away, but easier said than done.  Now that my anger is no longer in full flame, I am starting to miss you." 

Oh really?  "So what's stopping you?"

"I am afraid to try again.  I worry all the time.  I have trouble concentrating at work, I have trouble sleeping and I've begun to lose weight.  Thanks to you, I'm using a shorter notch on my belt."

"Most women enjoy being thin.  Are you thanking me or cursing me?"

"Drop dead.  Does that answer your question?"

I thought about Victoria.  She too was thin as a rail.  Hmm.  Welcome to Rick's weight loss program.

"I can't get past the terrible thought that you chose Victoria over me, a woman I despise.  My sense of betrayal hurts so much it is painful to talk about.  Why would you do that to me?" 

"We've been through this.  I felt abandoned by your trip back to Dallas.  I thought I had lost you and the only way to get you back was to confront Victoria.  When you failed to give me any hope over the phone that night, I panicked and made a serious mistake."

"Rick, before Victoria showed up on your doorstep, I felt like you belonged to me.  I believed you loved me and we had a bright future together.  How could I have been so wrong?  All that woman had to do was snap her fingers and cry a little and suddenly you crawled into bed with her.  Damn it, you threw me right out the window like I meant nothing to you.  I cried my guts out for days knowing that witch was sleeping next to you each night.  You were supposed to lie next to me, but you chose that crazy woman instead.  How can I forgive you?  Not only do I feel betrayed, I cannot for the life of me understand why you would choose that monster over me.  How can I trust you ever again?  Most of all, how can you possibly explain your decision to let her live with you?  You told me you could not stand the woman, so were you lying to me?  Help me make sense of this."

"Jennifer, it is called 'baggage'.  Attractive people always carry baggage when they first meet.  It is naive to expect someone new to be completely free of ties.  I suspect many love affairs are messy at the start.  This isn't Hollywood where the co-star turns out to be conveniently unattached.  Not so in real life.  Romances are rarely tied into neat little packages at the start.  More often than not, there is an overlap between the past lover and the new lover.  In Victoria's case, she had a serious head start on you and used it to her advantage."

Jennifer stared at me skeptically.  "That still doesn't explain why you gave in to her."

"Why not look at your own situation?  Talk about baggage.  You had Jeff the whole time, but you never told me about him."

"Aren't you one to talk?  You never told me about Victoria.  I had to rely on my girlfriend at work to find out about her."

"There's a big difference, Jennifer.  You were engaged to Jeff and Victoria was not my girlfriend."

"Or so you say.  I often wonder if you are hiding the truth.  I have never heard of a woman obsessed to Victoria's degree unless she had sex at some point." 

"What is wrong with you, Jennifer?  Is it impossible for you to trust me?  And why do you always run at the first sign of trouble?  As long as the coast was clear, you thought I was Prince Charming.  Then the moment you realized this wasn't going to be as easy as you thought, you ran straight to your security blanket.  In so doing, you scared the hell out of me.  I agree I made a serious mistake in the way I handled my fears, but you got us into this fix by making the first move to the Exit Door.  Do you have the slightest idea how badly you blind-sided me regarding your fiancé?  I panicked at the thought of losing you.  I absolutely freaked out when you flew to Dallas."

"Okay, so I made a mistake and ran to Jeff.  The difference was that I didn't sleep with Jeff."

"Oh my God, what kind of an answer is that, Jennifer?  You've slept with him in the past and maybe you still do.  What difference does it make?  Why is it so hard for you to understand the fix I was in?  Look, I freely admit I made a mistake by sleeping with Victoria and I am full of regret for hurting you.  It has been three weeks and I am still trying to figure why my judgment failed me so badly.  However, why don't you admit you contributed mightily to my mistake?"

Jennifer flinched.  "What are you talking about?"

"I told you this once before, but I see you have conveniently forgotten what I said.  This problem started because I thought I was losing you to Jeff.  You left on Friday morning.  After three days and nights of worry, I was going out of my mind with worry about losing you.  One phone call to reassure me was all that was necessary, but you left me completely in the dark for three and a half days."

"I don't know what to say.  I wanted to call, but I felt like it was useless.  I was certain that I would cause you to lose the studio."

"Is that why you said 'Go to Victoria, she needs you'?"

"Yes, I suppose so.  As things stood, I felt like this was a no-win situation, so maybe if you talked to her, maybe she would come to her senses."

"I can buy that, but why didn't you answer my question about Jeff?"

"What did you want me to say?  When you said you were meeting with Victoria in ten minutes, I went into shock.  I had just spent the entire weekend telling Jeff I needed more time and the next thing I know Victoria is driving to your house.  I was so angry I wanted to scream!"

"For crying out loud, Jennifer, all you had to do was tell me you loved me and this mistake would have never happened."

"I disagree.  You had no business inviting Victoria to your house late at night."

"I did not invite her.  She invited herself.  You dropped the ball.  'Go to Victoria, she needs you.'  What kind of a message was that?  If you loved me, why didn't you say so?  If you wanted to keep me, why didn't you say so?  Your silence came across as a sure sign you had agreed to tie the knot with Jeff.  I went to my meeting with Victoria 95% convinced you were going to marry Jeff."

Jennifer exploded.  "No, you did not!  You're making that up to save your skin!"

"That is where you are wrong.  You gave me absolutely no encouragement that you were still my girl.  That put me at a giant disadvantage where Victoria was concerned.  What was the point of standing up to her if you weren't behind me?  You let Saturday, Sunday and Monday pass without a single word of reassurance.  However, you could have changed everything when I called you at home Monday night.  Why do you think I called you?  After Victoria called me at the studio, I had one last chance to see where you stood, so I called hoping you would say something positive to hang my hat on.  One ray of hope.  That's all I needed, just one signal that you were still my girl.  But you did not give that to me."

"I answered the phone, didn't I?  What gave you the right to jump to the conclusion that I didn't care about you?"  

"Damn it, I can't read your mind, Jennifer!   I had no idea how your weekend with Jeff had gone.  When I called you on Monday night, I asked you point blank to tell me the status of your relationship was with Jeff.  Just answer the question, Jennifer, and this entire nightmare goes away.  All you had to say was 'Jeff and I agreed to keep talking, but nothing was settled'.  But you didn't say that, did you?  Instead you said, 'This is not the time.'"

Jennifer did not reply.  She knew full well what I was about to say next.

"You said, 'Go to Victoria, she needs you.'  Good lord, Jennifer, what the hell was that supposed to mean!?  Give me a break.  I was convinced your evasive words meant you had chosen Jeff over me.  I had every right to assume the worst.  C'mon, Jennifer, admit that you left me hanging for three straight days!"

Jennifer said nothing, so I continued. 

"Don't you realize your silence at this critical juncture gave me no hope?  Believe me, if you had given me any hope whatsoever, the outcome of that doorstep confrontation or the living room conversation would have been vastly different.  There would have never been a bedroom situation if you had just let me know where you stood.  Victoria won because I was convinced you didn't want me any more."

Unable to hold back tears, Jennifer began to cry.  It took a while, but she finally responded. 

"I am starting to see what you mean.  I guess I froze.  The truth of the matter is that when you said you were meeting Victoria at your house, I died on the spot.  It took me so completely off guard that you were going to meet her, knowing her power over you, I didn't know what to say.  I hate to say it, but I was already convinced I had lost you.  It was just like you were convinced you had lost me.  I just mumbled whatever stupid thing popped into my head.  But even so, if you had just kept your goddamn pants on for one crummy night, we could have straightened it out on Tuesday!  Damn it, Rick, you didn't have to sleep with her!"

"Well, damn you too for leaving me hanging!  So you question why I slept with Victoria?  You gave me no hope, Jennifer!  There's your answer.  My explanation is the complete truth.  It was my hopelessness about your status that gave Victoria the opening she needed.  Victoria got lucky because you dropped the ball.  In fact, maybe you can explain something.  Why on earth did you say 'Go to Victoria, she needs you'?  What the hell was that supposed to mean?" 

"I was upset that you were going to see Victoria and that was the best I could muster under the circumstance.  I was trying to be brave.  I only meant that Victoria sounded out of control and needed your help.  I didn't expect you would allow her to come live with you!  That never crossed my mind."

"Fine.  It never crossed my mind either.  All you had to do was add five little words.  'Go to Victoria, she needs you... just remember I love you.'  You don't suppose that would have changed the message a bit?  You left me hanging, Jennifer.  I operated under the assumption that you had ditched me.  Othello, Romeo and Juliet, all of Shakespeare's romantic tragedies revolve around broken communication and misunderstandings.  Obviously we have the same problem.  But at least we are talking now.  It is not too late to straighten this out."

When Jennifer did not reply, I suspected she was crying.   Jennifer had previously told me about being badly hurt by the betrayal of a college boyfriend.  More than likely, Jennifer's distrust explained her renewed interest in Jeff, the world's most dependable man.  I understood her fear because I had walked those same shoes.   I still carried an unusually high distrust of women thanks to Vanessa and Patricia.  Once a person has been badly hurt, the fear never completely goes away.  Now look at us.  I did not trust Jennifer and she did not trust me.  Weren't we a pair?  No wonder there is so much distrust in the world.  A self-fulfilling prophecy is an expectation that inadvertently causes the thing that is feared to come true.  By fearing the worst, we react in ways that creates the outcome we expect.

"Look, Rick, I'm trying, I really am, but I can't seem to let my guard down.  The pain is too strong and I'm afraid.  It isn't just you I am afraid of, it is Victoria.  What bothers me the most is that Victoria is still in the driver's seat.  How will you ever get rid of the chains Victoria has attached to you?  You have given me vague ideas how you intend to extricate yourself from her clutches, but I am terrified she will trick you again or bully you into submission.  I have absolutely no guarantee you will ever escape Victoria's hold on you. That is why I refuse to be vulnerable again until the witch is gone.  By your own admission, the woman has psychic powers.  She will know the moment you defy her, I am sure of it.  In fact, I am pretty certain there will be an instant replay of the Doorstep event the moment I agree to try again." 

"The answer is commitment and courage.  If you will commit to me, I am willing to defy the woman.  But if you keep threatening to run back to Jeff, then I am reluctant to take any kind of risk with Victoria.  We both screwed up, but we can try again.  This isn't Romeo and Juliet.  We haven't swallowed the poison.  That means we have the power to repair the damage and try again.  I'm willing, but what about you?  What do you say?  Are you going to give me another chance?"

"Rick, I am an accountant.  I do risk assessments about our relationship all day long.  As things stand now, the risk is still too great.  I have to protect my heart.  Moreover, I can't take this any longer.  Don't you see, I am losing my mind!  I have to find a way to put my life back in order.  Victoria is like a sword hanging over my head that can drop at any moment.  I will tell you what.  The day you get rid of Victoria, come see me."

"Oh, don't say that, Jennifer!  I feel like a dog chasing my tail.  I can't snap my fingers and get rid of her.  Nor can I use force.  I tried that once and it backfired.  I need to return to the Siege Mentality and let Michael do the dirty work.  Victoria barely speaks to me these days.  She is in constant battle with Michael over his divorce threat.  I can exploit her marital problems to extricate myself, but I won't take the risk of stronger action unless you agree to back me."

Met by silence, I added one more thing.  "Jennifer, I miss you.  I want you in my arms again.  Please come back to me."   

Jennifer audibly sighed over the phone.  "I am certain the moment I try again, Victoria will sense something and pull another stunt.  As usual, I will get hurt.  I need a safe, ordered world where things are predictable and make sense.  I look at you and see Danger written on your forehead.  For the past two months, my life has been never-ending insanity.  Don't you understand?  I hate being out of control!"

"Uncertainty is part of life.  But if you will stand by me, I will seek my freedom from Victoria.  I will go talk to her husband."

"Oh, Rick, don't do that.  You will lose your studio if you do that.  She will retaliate with a poison pen letter for sure.  You are badly self-deceived if you think Victoria will set you free without a fight.  Victoria is so far out of control, there is no way this story will end well.  If she goes down, she's taking you with her."

Oh no, here we go again with the Voice of Doom.  Jennifer was back in Soothsayer mode.  Sure enough, she continued on the same path.

"Based on what you tell me, Victoria thinks Fate has given you to her, that you belong to her.  If I stay in your life, another confrontation between you and Victoria is inevitable.  The moment you disappoint her, it is certain she will retaliate.  Since she's a witch, she is bound to know the moment I return to you.  She will see it in your eyes, read it in your fear, feel it in her bones.  I do not want you to lose the studio in a fight over me.  I should back off until I am certain Victoria is gone."

"What do you mean by 'back off'?"

"What I mean is I want you to leave me alone for a while.  Give me a couple more weeks or so to let me explore my feelings.  Maybe I will find a reason to try again, but right now I hurt too much." 

A couple more weeks?  I don't have that kind of patience.  I gave her three weeks and now she wants another two weeks?   Sick with disappointment, I begged her to reconsider.

"Jennifer, please don't push me away!  Don't keep me hanging in this horrible Limbo!  Let me come see you, please!"

No dice.  It was no use.  When push came to shove, Jennifer did not believe I had the power to eliminate Victoria without her taking revenge.  Desperate, I gave it one more last ditch effort. 

"Jennifer, I mean what I say.  I love you.  I beg you to stop acting like we are powerless.  We are not helpless pawns of Fate, we have the power to fight back.  If you will give me just one sign of encouragement, I swear I will risk standing up to Victoria."

"No, Rick, I am not ready for that.  What's that phrase you always use?  'Burn me once, shame on you, burn me twice, shame on me.'  That's how I feel.  I will not let you or Victoria burn me again.  I've had enough for now.  I need to be alone.  I am very upset and I have some serious crying to do."

With that, she gently hung up the phone.  I never felt more depressed in my life.  Confronted by Jennifer's crushing reluctance to stand tall, I was fit to be tied.  I was willing to fight Victoria for custody of my studio and the hand of the woman I loved.  All I needed was some encouragement, but Jennifer would not give it to me.  Jennifer was not willing to fight for me.