FAMOUS INSULTS, RETORTS, AND PUT-DOWNS!

PART I

Written by Rick Archer
April 2018

A retort is defined as a sharp or incisive reply to a remark.  Sometimes the retort is angry, sometimes it is sarcastic, but to be any good, it definitely needs to be clever and it also needs to be QUICK.

Therein lies the problem.  All of us have a few choice words to use in case of a put-down, but rarely are the comebacks we use clever enough to draw any real blood. 

The recent passing of Stephen Hawking, my favorite physicist, reminded me of a very funny sequence on an HBO show featuring humorist John Oliver.  Oliver, best known for his dry wit and political satire, persuaded Stephen Hawking to be interviewed.   The results were hysterical. 

John Oliver: "Stephen, you say that there could be an infinite amount of parallel universes." Stephen Hawking: "Yes." John Oliver: "Does that mean there could be a universe out there where I am smarter than you?" Stephen Hawking: "Yes, John, and there might even be a universe where you're actually funny." [pause] "However, John, I am sorry, but there is no universe where you have even the slightest chance of going out with Charlize Theron." ..................................   Brutal.

Bill Clinton Vs. Dan Quayle

After Quayle revealed that he planned to be "a pit bull" in the 1992 campaign against Clinton and Gore, Clinton had an interesting reply.

Ronald Reagan paraphrased Lloyd Bentsen in a humorous way.  At the 1992 Republican National Convention, Ronald Reagan answered claims by Bill Clinton's campaign (while poking fun at his own age), by saying,

"This fellow Clinton the Dems have nominated claims he's the new Thomas Jefferson.  Well, let me tell you something. I knew Thomas Jefferson. He was a good friend of mine. And governor Clinton, you're no Thomas Jefferson."

Another famous quip along the same lines took place during Reagan's 1984 presidential debate against Walter Mondale.   There was a 17-year age difference between Ronald Reagan and Walter Mondale.  Reagan, seeking reelection, was 73 years old, making him the oldest president in U.S. history at the time, while his opponent, Walter Mondale, was 56 years old.

Reagan found a unique way to deflect concerns about his age. He stated:

"I will not make age an issue of this campaign. I am not going to exploit, for political purposes, my opponent's youth and inexperience."

This quip, which caused even Mondale to laugh, was a brilliant political squelch that helped seal Reagan's 1984 landslide victory.

Before we leave the subject of Dan Quayle, let's take one last trip down Memory Lane.  Quayle, as some of you may remember, had a way with words that was quite unique.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful.  How true that is."

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared.'"

"Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."

YOGI BERRA

A good retort and a good one-liner aren't necessarily the same thing, but they both have the ability to amuse.   Yogi Berra, the Hall of Fame baseball player, was famous for some of the best one-liners in history although they were usually not aimed at someone.

"It ain't over 'til it's over "

"Never answer an anonymous letter"

"I usually take a two hour nap from one to four"

"It's deja vu all over again"

"When you come to a fork in the road....Take it "

Yogi on the 1969 NY Mets....." overwhelming underdogs "

When asked what time it was......"you mean now?"

"You can observe a lot by watching "

"The future ain't what it used to be "

"It gets late early out here"
 

"If the people don't want to come out to the ballpark, nobody's going to stop them"

On why NY lost the 1960 series to Pittsburgh: "We made too many wrong mistakes"

Yogi Berra on seeing a Steve McQueen movie:  "He must have made that before he died"

"You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you are going, because you might not get there."

"If the world were perfect, it wouldn't be "

"If you can't imitate him, don't copy him."

"I never said most of the things I said."

"Baseball is 90% mental, the other half is physical"

"Nobody goes there anymore; it's too crowded."

"Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good, too."

"Pair up in threes."

"Why buy good luggage? You only use it when you travel."

Yogi also had an odd way with compliments.  Here is what Yogi said to Mary Lindsay, wife of New York mayor John Lindsay, at a banquet.

Mary Lindsay to Yogi:  "You certainly look cool."

Yogi Berra to Mary Lindsay:  "Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself."

 

I WISH I HAD SAID THAT!

The biggest problem with a good retort is that most of us can't think of a good one until about two hours or two days or two years too late.  There will be a situation that absolutely screams for a good comeback, but the words don't come to us until long after the opportunity is gone.  On the other hand, our difficulty coming up with the exact phrase to do damage with helps us appreciate more fully some of the quips presented in this article.  Here are some of history's famous comebacks:

Gladstone versus Disraeli

Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli,
"I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease".

Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."

Alfred Hitchcock

Hitchcock's 1944 film "Lifeboat," a drama about eight survivors of a freighter sunk by a German U-Boat, was one of the most popular films of the year.

While posing for publicity photographs for the film, actress Mary Anderson approached the director and asked, "What is my best side, Mr. Hitchcock?"

"My dear, you're sitting on it."
 

Pope John XXIII

When asked by a journalist, "How many people work in the Vatican?", the pontiff pondered the question.  Pope John gave the impression that he was trying to come up with an accurate estimate.  Then, with a straight face, he answered:

"About half."
 

Babe Ruth

Despite a monster year in 1931 (.373 batting average, 46 home runs, 163 RBIs), Yankee officials cited economic hard times when they asked Ruth to reduce his salary to $75,000 for the 1932 season

Ruth made headlines when he held out. At a press conference, a reporter pointed out that $80,000 was $5,000 more than President Hoover's salary. The reporter then asked Ruth if it was fair that he made more money than the President.  Ruth considered the question and said:

"Yeah, maybe so, I had a better year."

Calvin Coolidge Vs. Some Random Lady
At A White House Dinner

MAE WEST

Mae West was a notorious sex symbol who first came to prominence during the Roaring Twenties.  Always willing to challenge public attitudes towards sex, Mae West had some of the most outrageous quotes in history.  As you study the list below, you will realize that many of her best quips are still in common usage today.  What most people don't know is that Mae West wrote or edited the dialogue, scenes, and stories for most of her films and plays.  Known for her witty, risqué double entendres, West often prepared for upcoming interviews with a few memorized zingers she hoped would be reprinted in the press.  A cursory glance of her classics reveals a very clever woman indeed.  


Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.


I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.


Save a boyfriend for a rainy day - and another, in case it doesn't rain.


An ounce of performance is worth pounds of promises.


You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.


When I'm good, I'm very good. But when I'm bad I'm better.


All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.


Cultivate your curves - they may be dangerous but they won't be avoided.

These Mae West quotes are pretty amazing.  Apparently they are taken from her movie scripts back in the Thirties.  This stuff is deadly!  


To err is human, but it feels divine.

I never worry about diets.  The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.


A dame that knows the ropes isn't likely to get tied up.


It is better to be looked over than overlooked.


I'll try anything once, twice if I like it, three times just to make sure.


Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution.


It isn't what I do, but how I do it.  It isn't what I say, but how I say it, and how I look when I do it and say it.


A woman in love can't be reasonable - or she probably wouldn't be in love.


Don't keep a man guessing too long - he's sure to find the answer somewhere else.


I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.

Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.

The best way to hold a man is in your arms.

Mae West was attractive, but she wasn't stunning.  Mae West had a good figure, but it was not amazing.  Her sex appeal was more closely linked to her teasing style and the sly things she said with perfect timing.

One of her best quotes was: Personality is the most important thing to the success of an actress. 

I don't think a screenwriter coined that one; Mae West surely thought that one up herself.  It seems obvious that her personality was indeed her greatest asset. Her clever words and sexy double entrendres kept her in the public eye for over 60 years.  Mae West lived to be 87.  She definitely did something right.
 

Too much of a good thing can be wonderful.


When women go wrong, men go right after them.


Good Sex is emotion in motion.


The score never interested me, only the game.


Ten men waiting for me at the door?  Send one of them home, I'm tired.

I didn't discover curves; I only uncovered them.

A hard man is good to find.


I like a man who's good, but not too good - for the good die young, and I hate a dead one.


I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing.


Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.


Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly.


A man can be short and dumpy and getting bald but if he has fire, women will like him.

It's not what I do, but the way I do it.  It's not what I say, but the way I say it.

Any time you got nothing to do - and lots of time to do it - come on up and see me sometime.


Those who are easily shocked should be shocked more often.


He who hesitates is a damned fool.


I speak two languages, Body and English.


I only have 'yes' men around me. Who needs 'no' men?


Don't marry a man to reform him - that's what reform schools are for.
 

Every man I meet wants to protect me. I can't figure out what from.

I like a little restraint, if it doesn't go too far.

It's not the men in my life that count, it's the life in my men.

I'm a woman of very few words, but lots of action.

She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.

I've been in more laps than a napkin.

If I asked for a cup of coffee, someone would search for the double meaning.

I always say, keep a diary and someday it'll keep you.


I only like two kinds of men, domestic and imported.


Always look your best - who said love is blind?


I believe in censorship. I made a fortune out of it.


Virtue has its own reward, but no sale at the box office.

He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of.
 

You may admire a girl's curves on the first introduction, but the second meeting shows up new angles.
 

"It isn't what I do, but how I do it. It isn't what I say, but how I say it, and how I look when I do it and say it.
 

"You say there are ten men waiting for me at the door? 
Send one home, I'm tired."
 

Dorothy Parker, when asked why she had not delivered her copy on time...

DOROTHY PARKER

Dorothy Parker was a well-known screenwriter and essayist back in the first half of the Twentieth Century.  She was known for her acerbic wit and was considered to have the sharpest tongue of them all.

Parker's caustic wit as a critic initially proved popular, but she was eventually terminated by Vanity Fair in 1920 after her criticisms began to offend powerful producers too often.  Her comments could definitely be biting.

For example, after her unwanted pregnancy, Parker bitterly remarked, "Just my luck to put all my eggs into one bastard."   Here are some other classics.

"This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force!" 

"Katharine Hepburn delivered a striking performance that ran the gamut of emotions, from A to B."
...............

Once it was said that Dorothy Parker and Clare Booth Luce arrived at a door simultaneously. Clare motioned Parker ahead and said: "Age before beauty"

Parker swept through the door without a pause and says over her shoulder: "And pearls before swine."
................

"The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity."


"Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone."


"If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to."


"The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue."

"I like to have a martini,
Two at the very most.
After three I'm under the table,
after four I'm under my host."


"Brevity is the soul of lingerie."


"If I didn't care for fun and such,
I'd probably amount to much.
But I shall stay the way I am,
Because I do not give a damn."


"That woman speaks 18 languages, and can't say 'No' in any of them."

"She was pleased to have him come and never sorry to see him go."


"I had been fed, in my youth, a lot of old wives' tales about the way men would instantly forsake a beautiful woman to flock around a brilliant one. It is but fair to say that, after getting out in the world, I had never seen this happen."


"I'd like to have money. And I'd like to be a good writer. These two can come together, and I hope they will, but if that's too adorable, I'd rather have money."


"So, you're the man who can't spell 'fuck.'"

Dorothy Parker to Norman Mailer after publishers had convinced Mailer to replace the word with a euphemism, 'fug,' in his 1948 book, "The Naked and the Dead."

Rick Archer's Three Favorites from above:

Dorothy Parker

"I like to have a martini,
Two at the very most.
After three I'm under the table,
after four I'm under my host."
.................

Mae West:  "You say there are ten men waiting for me at the door?  Send one home, I'm tired."
 

Dan Quayle:  "For NASA, space is still a high priority."
.........

 

HONORABLE MENTION: 

Ronald Reagan and Walter Mondale. 

"I will not make age an issue of this campaign. I am not going to exploit, for political purposes, my opponent's youth and inexperience."
...........

Hatcheck Girl:  "Goodness, what beautiful diamonds!"

Mae West:   "Goodness had nothing to do with it, dearie."
...........

Yogi Berra:  "Nobody goes there anymore; it's too crowded."

Rick's Note: So which ones do we agree on?  Which ones did I miss on that you think are wonderful?

Let me know which ones you liked the best.  And if you have some for me to include, send them to me!

Thank you for reading!  Oh, by the way, next week I will have Part II.  You won't want to miss because Winston Churchill makes an appearance.

Rick Archer
rick@ssqq.com