Rule Eleven: Hygiene

This is an area I prefer not to discuss, but several women from the studio are holding a gun to my head as I type this very minute. They say they will hurt me if I don’t repeat what they say word for word.

Women will forgive you if you step on them, especially if you say you are sorry. Women will understand if you say it is hard for you to hear the beat. Women will put up with a lot of things if they sense you are trying to improve. However, the one thing women will not put up with is poor hygiene. This is where they draw the line.

If you sweat or smell or if you have bad breath, women will do anything to get away from you.

Nor will anyone tell you. They will simply stop breathing for a moment and go elsewhere. Anywhere.

Sweat.  Ohmigosh, this is a killer.  Women go nuts when the guy is wet.  It makes them physically nauseous for a Sweaty Man to touch them. 

Dancing can work up a sweat and sometimes this has unpleasant consequences.

One of the problems is that perspiration invariably brings bad odor with it.  So bring an extra clean shirt or bring a towel, but don't come near a woman if you are dripping wet.   Sit a song out, go to the restroom and clean up, and wait till you are dry before making your next move.

Smell Bad.  Sometimes men come into the studio with an odor.  Not everyone has the luxury of taking a shower before dance class, especially if you work downtown and live in the outskirts. After a hard day’s work and a walk to the car in Texas heat, sometimes you should assume that a little cleanup is in order. After Shave Lotion and Deodorants can work wonders. Men who know they sweat a lot might want to keep a fresh shirt in the car or a towel handy. It never hurts to freshen up at work before driving to class.

Bad Breath.  Don’t even bother asking someone if you have bad breath. Just assume you have it. Our wonderful SSQQ instructor Daryl Armstrong has a habit of distributing Altoids at the start of each class. Maybe it is just a coincidence, but his classes are fabulously popular. One night I took his cue and now I am addicted to the things. Keep mouthwash or breath mints in your car and use them right before class. It takes 5 seconds to chew on a mint, but you might throw six months of dance lessons down the drain if you don’t take the hint. While you are at it, chew on an extra one for good measure.

I might suggest that you eat food spiced with garlic only when you do not expect to be around the studio for a week. Apparently garlic leaves such a powerful odor that it repels vampires and women with equal force. The thinking is mere mouthwash and breath mints together are not enough to quell this h

Sneezing.  I am the world's worst sneezer so I should know. If you sneeze, cover your mouth out of courtesy to others (or try sneezing into your shirt at the elbow area.  After a sneeze or two, then your next move is to report to the restroom IMMEDIATELY and wash your hands. People are watching. I guarantee it.

With SARS and Swine Flu and all other kinds of dread diseases out there, people are simply not willing to accept any risk.

No one wants to touch your hands. The smart move during sneezing times is to be sure to carry tissues.

Rule Twelve: Breasts and Dancing

We will start this section with a simple joke about Women's Breasts.

10 Things Men Know About Women

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10. They have Breasts


Women have Breasts and Men want to touch them. This undeniable fact serves as the starting point for my latest rant.

When it comes to dancing and men, women are pretty good sports by and large. They put up with having their arms jerked, having their feet stepped on, being forced to dance totally off the beat, and seeing men lead moves they have no business leading ON A REGULAR BASIS.

Because women love to dance, as long as they sense the man is trying to improve, women develop a patience of sorts that is commendable.

There are two places women completely draw the line.

The first is personal hygiene. Women frown at men who smell. Women are disgusted by men who sweat and don't change shirts or towel off. Women can't stand bad breath either. All three problems are huge turn-offs for women. Any man learning to dance would be well-advised to examine his own hygiene carefully before coming to dance class. Otherwise all the great moves in the world won't be of any use.

You have already guessed the second place. Women don't like having their breasts touched on the dance floor. Since women prefer not to create a scene, they rarely speak up. That leads men to think they got away with something, so they try it again.

Don't deny it, guys. Some of those 'mistakes' may have crossed the line. If it happens more than once, the women are on to you. Women actually talk about what various men do behind their backs. Women love to compare notes. They literally compile dossiers on men's behavior. I kid you not.

Women know many men are smart enough to only touch their breasts once a night "by accident".

Curious to know whether it was really an accident or not, they begin to talk to other women in the class or at Practice Night.

No matter how clever the man is, if two women in the same class discover both experienced the same accident one time, the man is judged guilty. In the court of public opinion, you don't get three chances. A strong "coincidence" is proof enough.

Women like to talk to me about the awful things men do to them. Since they know I never touch breasts, I have earned a boy scout merit badge of sorts. Thanks to my good behavior, this entitles me to be included on Girl Talk even when I'm not really sure I want to hear what I am hearing. Some of what I hear makes me shake my head.

When it comes to dancing, there's a right way and there's a wrong way. Any man who dances well and treats women with respect gets lucky a lot more often than vice versa. So here is a hint to all men: Play the game the right way, be a nice guy and the time will come when you will be rewarded.

I think any man who gets caught touching a woman's breasts on the dance floor is making a huge mistake. Social Dancing is a powerful tool for men. Over the years, I watched the nerdiest of men become transformed into credible "Ladies Men" simply by learning to lead, keep the beat, and be gentle on the dance floor. Once the man finds himself in demand on the dance floor, he often magically begins to develop more social graces as well. He literally develops enough self-esteem to wish to take the next step and learn how to become a Gentleman. Geeks and Slobs become sleek and graceful. Thanks to dance skills and a new-found respect for women, these guys will never be lonely again as long as they live. This kind of transformation is a miracle. And I am here to say I have seen it happen.

So when I see a guy develop a bad reputation over touching a breast in dance class, I can tell he is wasting his time from here on out. He's a marked man. Sure, he may still get women to dance with him, but he is always at risk that the word will get out and cost him a chance down the road. He will probably never know 'why' a particular woman he was interested in has suddenly shown him the cold shoulder.

Recently in one of my classes, at Break, a lady came over to me to complain that a man had touched her breasts not just once, but twice during the first hour. Immediately a second woman overheard the conversation and chimed in this same guy had once done the same thing to her. The two women were up in arms in disgust. They immediately began to beseech me to confront the guy and do something about it.

I told them it was very difficult to me to confront someone on an issue I had not witnessed myself. I was not the aggrieved party. Besides, any confrontation on my part would probably cost me a customer (this is a very embarrassing subject to be confronted on). Besides, 99% of men who would touch a woman would probably also deny it happened or chalk it up to a simple accident.

So I told the women I would watch during the second hour. Here is what happened. I was so busy watching this guy that I lost my concentration several times. I was so preoccupied with catching him in the act, the class lost its rhythm. Furthermore, I was so busy watching him when I danced, I almost touched a breast here and there myself because my focus was no longer on my partner. Let me add not once did I see the accused party do anything wrong.

That doesn't mean I don't believe the women. Of course I do. I don't hear this complaint very often, but when I do, it is surprising how frequently it turns out to be someone I have heard a previous complaint on or someone who doesn't seem to be with the program from the start.

So here is what I told the two women to do. There is an effective way for a woman to clear up the problem directly. The next time it happens, INSTANTLY smile at the man and say, "please be more careful with the breasts." Don't be hostile and try to give the guy the benefit of the doubt.

My guess is once a man hears this directly from a woman, he is going to be a lot more careful, especially if it is clear to him that the women are aware of what just happened. And if he does it again, say the same thing again, but also report it to me. I will put the incident in my mental file cabinet for future reference. If he is already on record for a previous problem, then it might be time for "the email" or even a direct talk.

One reason I believe women are reluctant to say something to men is they aren't sure how difficult it is for a man's hands to avoid what are affectionately known as "the speed bumps". I think women would be surprised to learn it is extremely easy to avoid the speed bumps.

Speaking for myself, after thirty some years of teaching dance, I only remember clearly touching a woman's breast with my hand one time. The lady was an experienced dancer. She did a bullet-speed turn to Swing music. As she finished her lightning spin, she was supposed to put her hand out chest-high to press against my hand so I could spin her back the other way. You guessed it… she didn't put her hand up at all. I was certain she was going to put her hand out. Her gaffe took me by surprise. So, embarrassing as it was, the momentum of my hand carried it right to the target.

So what did I do? I apologized! Then I apologized again! The woman smiled and let it go. She knew by my expression it was an accident. She never said another word about it.

Considering how many women I have danced with, I think one accident in thirty years is a pretty good record.

Mind you, my hands have barely 'grazed' a woman's breast on a few occasions. The contact is always so incidental that I am given the benefit of the doubt, especially if there is an existing rapport. Women seem to 'know' when it is not deliberate. However a few weeks ago I did accidentally graze the very tip of a new student's breast with the back of my hand. It was nothing, but since I did not know her, I felt the need to reassure her that I was a gentleman. I made eye contact and said "I'm sorry" in a very soft, unembarrassed tone. The woman smiled back at me, a gesture I appreciated. Just the fact that I had shown respect was enough to defuse her doubt. She now knew I meant no harm. And since it hasn't happened again, this woman's decision to give me the benefit of the doubt has been rewarded.

On the one hand, women know mistakes happen on the dance floor. However, when someone like me says I have made one serious mistake in thirty years, a woman has the right to conclude this behavior simply doesn't happen if the man is being careful.

So here is my suggestion to the guys. Be careful. And if an accident does happen, apologize on the spot like I did. Reassure her that you meant no harm.
And for you ladies, speak up the moment it happens. Say "please be more careful" or "please be more careful with the breasts".

One word of caution. Unless it has happened before, ladies, try not to be hostile when you speak up.

For example, one woman told me to "watch it". Although it is true I had come close, my hands were clearly on her rib cage as I caught her after a spin. I did not touch anything I wasn't supposed to. So I resented her tone and her words. There is an old saying, "consider the source." If you knew this woman, you would understand that her style is basically hostile anyway. Nevertheless, she over-reacted and it hurt my feelings.

I have never asked her to dance since. No one likes getting chewed out for something they don't do.

So ladies, it is far better to say "please be careful", especially if it is a first-time occurrence.