SEPTEMBER
1978,
the disco years
VICTORIA takes
control
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When
Victoria offered to help, I had a hunch she was a game
changer. It did not take long to realize Victoria was the most
talented woman I had ever met.
It was kind of odd in
a way. I had made it through eight months of teaching
Disco without an official assistant. Now here in September, I had Joanne assisting me on Monday and
Victoria assisting me on Tuesday. Very curious.
That said, Joanne could not hold a candle to the magnificent Victoria. Poor
mousy Joanne, she never said a work in class.
Unwilling to speak unless spoken to, the Ice Queen was
content just to demonstrate an acrobatic move, then retreat to the shadows and
chew bubblegum.
Victoria
was just the opposite. She was front and center at all
times. Victoria worked with
individual men one at a time, took time to learn their names,
and offered
suggestions without prompting. Other times she made the class laugh by
cutting up when I demonstrated with her.
Victoria was my perfect counterpart. I supplied
the instruction and Victoria lavished tender loving
care. I suppose we had a Mom and Pop dynamic. She
took care of everyone like a shepherdess attending to her
flock. Her deep tan said it all. Victoria was a
Sun Worshipper. Noting she
was born to grab the limelight, I called her 'Victoria Sunshine'.
The skill that impressed me the most was Victoria's
willingness to figure things out the hard way. Victoria did not know the boy's part to save her soul, but
she was brave and willing to let me experiment even though I
unintentionally hurt her sometimes. Let's
say I saw a new move and wanted to figure out how to make it
work. I would try some sort of lead, but it was not
always right the first time. Victoria would respond, "Hey, that hurts,
try something else." Other times she would say,
"Maybe you shouldn't pull so hard."
I would apologize, Victoria would offer feedback and I would
try something else. If
something bothered her that the men were doing wrong, but
could not figure it out, she would ask me to work with her
after class. "Why
don't you stretch my arm in the direction you want me to
go?" "Why not try pushing me with your right
hand while raising your left hand at the same time?"
Lo
and behold, through trial and error Victoria was teaching me
how to lead. This was something I had never been very
good at.
This method worked because Victoria had a way of
figuring out what was missing. Eventually I would
catch on to a lead that did not hurt. By practicing
after class each week my leads gradually improved.
Note the irony here. A woman who did not know a thing
was teaching the teacher. I shook my head half in awe,
half in despair. Who is this woman? I had never met a woman
quite like Victoria.
Since Victoria was never critical in the way she made her
suggestions, I would give them a try. More often than
not her suggestions made sense. Victoria did not stop
there. Once she figured out what would work, she extended her suggestions to the male
students. Victoria had a special technique. She
insisted on dancing with each man. In this way she could tell when the
man's signal was effective or when it left her guessing.
Now why is this special? Because she knew something I
had never thought of.
"Rick, you can't just rely on
words alone. A
man cannot be 'told' a Lead or 'shown' a Lead and know for sure how
that he understood.
That is because the amount of force to use has to be 'felt'.
When a student watches you demonstrate, he has no idea whether to push
harder or
softer. Or maybe his timing is off. Or his
footwork. When I dance with a man, I can spot
immediately what doesn't feel right."
I
quickly saw what Victoria was getting at. By allowing a man to physically hold her,
Victoria upgraded their training from 'Copy Rick'
to direct feedback on the amount of power to use.
Victoria would fuss at some guy and everyone would stop to
listen. Sensing she had the stage, Victoria would
launch into a soliloquy.
"Now listen up, ladies. Men think
women are Mind Readers. And it's true, women are
Mind Readers. We always know when a man is up to
no good [chuckle chuckle]. However, when it comes to dancing, our
powers are rendered neutral. Women find it easier
to follow when they can feel what a man is doing rather
than guess. Pay attention, guys. Dancing is
the final domain of male dominance. This is the
only place where a man can still push a woman around and
see her smile in appreciation. You guys need to learn
how to push women where you want them to go. In
return, she will love you for it."
Victoria would conclude by
taking a bow and blowing kisses to wild applause. And me? I just stood
there gaping like Charlie Brown. I once thought I was
the cat's meow as a dance teacher, but I was being upstaged
by my assistant. Was this the dance studio
version of A Star is Born? It was no fun
being eclipsed by the Diva. Nor did
Victoria stop there. She
began to offer advice on 'Following'.
"Ladies, you cannot use your brain
all the time. And trying to memorize your footwork
can be counter-productive. At some point, you need to turn your
brain off and quit guessing what move the guy is going
to lead next. The more often you try to
anticipate, the more trouble you will get into.
Following means you have to wait for
your signal. If you move before the Lead, the man
has no way to control you. You must
learn to wait. This what we mean by 'following'.
If he accidentally hurts you,
don't chew him out, just whisper. Men have no way
of knowing their own strength, so let him know in a way
that doesn't hurt his feelings and he will listen to
you."
Sage advice. I just wish I had said it. It was
mildly embarrassing to upstaged in my own class, but
Victoria was such an asset I did my best to deal with it.
Besides, Victoria was wise enough to never point out her
obvious superiority. She was very respectful not to
hurt my feelings. It helped considerably to know she
was on my side.
Victoria and I developed a sense of
teamwork. I would introduce the move by dancing with
Victoria, then offer my advice. After that, I would
turn to Victoria and she would make her own comments. Victoria would offer a
suggestion to the men how the woman might be better cued as
to what the man wanted her to do. Then she would turn
around and tell the ladies how to recognize one move from
another. Victoria did this without a bit of
professional training.
"Men, if you want her to
move to the right, move her hand in that direction. If you
want to put her in your arms, don't stand so close to her.
Stay further away so it is easier to stretch her arm and
pull her to you."
Victoria was unbelievable. What planet is she from?
This woman reminded me of Supergirl from the Planet Krypton
blessed
with superpowers. I was in awe. I had been teaching for
eight months and this was the first woman to take the time to
analyze my patterns from a woman's point of view. And
what did I know about the woman's part? Not much. I had never danced the woman's part in my
life.
Thanks to Victoria's prowess, I felt ashamed of myself.
Before Victoria came along, all I did was talk to men
and assume the women could figure it out on their
own. Victoria was giving me an education that was long
overdue.
"How do you do it, Victoria? How do you know what to
tell the men?"
"It's not that tough. I went
to all the high school dances. Never missed a
single one. The boys at my school did some sort of
high school Swing
dancing. I loved it so much I tried using the same
moves on my girlfriends. That's how I got
interested in the boy's part. One boy in particular had
a father who taught him to dance. I made sure to
ask Jack to dance with me at least once a night.
As for the rest, most of them did not know what they were doing.
However, some were better than
others, so it became a game of sorts to figure out
what they wanted me to do. Why could I follow one
guy but not the other? What did Jack do
that was different? It got to the point where guys
asked me for tips and I would tell them how Jack did it."
I
had mixed feelings about to Victoria. First I thumped
myself in the head for not seeing these things on my own.
This was yet another example of why Lance Stevens held me in
so little regard. Then I thought of Eric.
Victoria was some sort of female Eric. If this woman
took teaching seriously, she could easily replace me.
My humiliation did not stop there. I grimaced at how superior her social skills
were to mine. The students liked me,
but they loved Victoria. They could not get enough of
her.
My other reaction was gratitude.
Realizing Victoria was only trying to help, she reminded me of
my therapist Gaye. She had been a big part of my life
during the Lost Years. She was the one who taught to
see things from the woman's point of view. Gaye had proven so invaluable I
came to regard her as a Godsend. Sunshine Victoria
seemed like a Godsend as well.
Since I
had no idea how to teach women the secrets of following, Victoria
was more than willing to figure it out for me. She
would let me try a move on her in three or four ways, then
tell me which lead felt the best. Then she would turn around and
announce to the women how to spot the move. Victoria
helped the men too. By dancing with a man, Victoria
could make an educated guess what he might be doing wrong
and make suggestions. "If you hold me closer... no,
not that close... I won't have quite so much momentum when
you swing me."
Without warning,
the Universe had introduced me to the best female
Dance Teacher I had ever met. As I mentioned before, Victoria had a
gift for
telling men what to do
without hurting their feelings. Victoria's criticism was
coated with so much sugar and sweetness that the men wanted to try again
and again to please her. She was a master at teasing the
guys in a fun way. One night a man
named Lawrence came up to Victoria and looked at her sheepishly.
Victoria laughed. "Oh,
no, not you again. You're in
trouble, aren't you?"
Lawrence grinned. "How did you know, Victoria? I can't seem
to get the hang of this new move.
Sandy said don't come back until you straighten me out."
Across the room, Sandy waved to let Victoria know she had carte
blanche to intervene.
Victoria would get to work. "Okay, Lawrence,
let's see what the problem is. You're pretty
hopeless, but maybe I can fix
it."
Invariably Lawrence would return to Sandy all patched up.
Meanwhile the other wives and girlfriends were paying
attention. Like Sandy, they made a habit to send their
partners over to Victoria for fine-tuning.
Victoria was not infallible. She openly admitted to
the guys she was not a professional. However, she was
pretty good at learning things on the fly. Victoria helped upgrade the quality of my teaching
overnight. She not only helped the students, she taught
me things about teaching as well. Victoria had one
major advantage over me. Teaching men to lead is much
tougher than teaching women to follow. No man would
dream of dancing with me nor did I want to dance with them.
That opened the door for Victoria to take the men under her
wing. On
the days when my ego was not too bruised, I had to admit
Victoria was quite a teammate.
With one man after
another sent over for correctional purposes, Victoria started
referring to
herself as 'Punishment'. That became
the class joke. Whenever a guy screwed up, he was
sent to Victoria for 'Punishment'. The guys liked that
joke so much they turned it around. The men started to
claim they had deliberately messed up just so they could have an
excuse for their wives to send them over to pretty Victoria
to be punished. Whenever
Victoria fussed at them too much, they jokingly referred to
themselves as 'Victims' of her cruelty. As if
dancing with this beautiful woman was cruel. The
back and forth teasing was non-stop. The students were
always laughing thanks to
Victoria. Me? I just rolled my eyes. Once upon
a time I was the one who told the jokes.
Victoria
loved talking to the students. She used
their name tags as a starting point. "So, Jerry, what
do you do for a living?" "So, Mary, how old are
your children?" By the end of
class that night, she knew what they did for a living, how many
kids they had, their dog's name, what part of town they lived in and probably their astrology sign.
The students loved Victoria and she loved them. Victoria thrived on the
attention she was getting.
Meanwhile I was
getting a bittersweet education of my own.
Victoria had the gift of popularity. Considering I
had never come close to being popular in my life, I was envious.
My childhood years of being a loner had left me incredibly shy around
people I did not know.
On the other hand,
Victoria was probably voted 'Most Friendly Baby' in the
nursery. She exuded so much warmth and interest in
people that they were drawn to her.
I was not even remotely in
Victoria's league when it came to people skills. In
particular, Victoria was able to go up to complete strangers and
strike up a conversation. Of all her skills, I envied
Victoria's ability to talk to strangers the most. Trust
me, I took notes, but I also felt depressed. Watching how
easily Victoria made friends, it would be light years before I
could hope to approach her invaluable people skills.
Fortunately, I was mature enough not to resent her.
Despite my feelings of inferiority, I was glad to have
Victoria around.
Thanks in large part to Victoria's enthusiasm, the 7
and 8 pm Tuesday classes
went well throughout September. The students were definitely getting
the hang of partner dancing. I had never seen students make this kind of rapid improvement before, so I
credited Victoria.
I
had met my match. No, change that. I was no
match for Victoria. As a nod to her superiority, I
sometimes referred to her as 'Erica', the female
version of Eric, the best dance teacher I had ever seen.
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SEPTEMBER
1978,
the disco years
THE UPPER HAND
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Let's get one
thing straight. I wanted to keep Nancy around. I
never knew what the word 'Ecstasy' meant until she
came along. Our sweetness in the dark was something to
behold. My problem is that I feared losing her.
I had no idea
what Nancy saw in me nor did I have any idea how long this
would last. I wanted very
much to continue this relationship, but I was skeptical.
Let me be frank. I wanted more, but Nancy was not
interested in a full-fledged relationship. How do I
know this? Because she would have said something.
Nancy was quite content with dancing at the Jet Set every
Thursday, then following me home to spend the night.
Nancy was in control. We were conducting this
relationship strictly on her terms.
I assumed a
relationship based purely on sex can only last so long. Unless
I could find some common ground between us, Nancy would eventually
lose interest. I wasn't rich, I wasn't flashy, I
wasn't pretty, and I could not advance her career because I
had no idea what her career was. Therefore I
probably wasn't her idea of longtime boyfriend material.
Speaking of Karmic
Tests, I had been in a
similar situation once before with an Israeli girl named Rachel. Like Nancy,
Rachel had possessed a rare kind beauty. And, like
Nancy, Rachel saw me strictly on her own terms.
Since Rachel would only be in town for 10 days, she saw no reason to
be exclusive with me. There was a Rice professor
she was interested in. One night I lost my temper when
Rachel admitted she had slept with the Rice professor the night
before. When I threw a fit over her one-night stand,
Rachel asked me to take her back to her uncle's house.
She left town shortly after and I never saw her again. To this day I still kicked
myself for throwing a temper tantrum. That tantrum had cost my final weekend with the most special
woman I had ever met. One thing Rachel
had said stuck in my mind.
"In Israel where
I come from, men understand not to be possessive."
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As I have made
abundantly clear, I had a lot of catching up to do when it
came to understanding women. As things stood, the
dominant relationship in my life was Vanessa, the woman who
two-timed me in Colorado and broke my heart. Vanessa
told me she loved me. I think she was sincere.
Or at least she was sincere when she said it. However,
ten days after we made love for the first time, her
ex-boyfriend Kenny knocked on her door one night. She let
him in.
I did not learn
the full truth till after Vanessa left town a month later
with Kenny in tow. However I had suspected something
was wrong due to a series of outlandish excuses. In
order to juggle two men, Vanessa had to explain why she
needed to leave abruptly. Or why she had to break a
date. For example, we were supposed to spend
Thanksgiving with a trip to the nearby Rocky Mountains.
Vanessa changed her mind at the last minute and claimed she needed to see her
grandmother one last time before moving to Portland in
December. I later found out she went to Denver that
day with Kenny. Basically every excuse was a lie used
as a way to see Kenny instead of me.
What should I
have done? Confronted her. If I had done that,
the truth would have come out and maybe I could have kept
some of my dignity. And what did I do instead? I
let her get away with one lie after another for fear of
losing her. That turned out to be a mistake.
Why? Because Vanessa lost respect for me. A man
who fails to stand up for himself is no longer an equal.
By groveling, I allowed Vanessa to walk all over me.
It took me
roughly four years to regain my confidence. Sure, I
dated some, but not one woman lasted past a month.
Most were gone in two weeks. Why? Because I did
not trust women any longer. Because my self-esteem was
badly damaged. Because I did not know how to guard my
heart. But I did make one major decision. I
would never grovel to a woman again.
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So how did that
decision work out for me? Look no further than Rachel.
I stood up for myself by objecting to her decision to sleep
with the Rice professor. We discussed her reasoning at
great length. And what did she say?
"I live by a
simple rule. Good people cannot be possessed and
those who can be possessed, no one wants to keep for long.
I don't like people telling me what I can and cannot do.
I strongly prefer to come and go as I please. I
give my love to you willingly, but please accept I see
things differently than you do."
"That sounds like the motto of New Hampshire... 'live
free or die.' You make love sound like shackles.
In the animal kingdom, animals are loyal by nature. It
is only humans who question the value of emotional ties.
The way I see it, it is natural to become attached to the
people you care for and make love to. Otherwise there
would be a lot of children running around without parents."
"Well said.
You might be surprised to know I agree with you in
theory. However, at this stage of my life, I am
learning about men. If I were to settle on one,
the experiment would be over."
It was Saturday night. Rachel had planned to spend the
night and most of Sunday before she left town on Monday
morning. Right now I was so upset with jealousy and
possessiveness that I could not calm down. Rachel
asked if I thought I could snap out of it.
"No, probably not. When I get worked up like this,
I have never been able to shake it off."
Rachel nodded. "I was afraid of that. Rick, I am sorry I have hurt you. However, I believe
this evening is lost. Will you take me home?"
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After she was gone, I saw Rachel as a Karmic Test. I
viewed her as a Cosmic Pop Quiz to see if I had learned
anything since Vanessa two years earlier. Like
Vanessa, Rachel and I fell in love quickly. Like
Vanessa, Rachel said she would be leaving town soon.
Like Vanessa, Rachel slept with another man. So how
did I do on my test? Better. At least this time
I parted with some dignity. However, I kicked myself
for my inability to control my possessiveness. Had I
been able to rein in my emotions, I could have had one more
night with the most wonderful woman I ever met.
And that brings us to Nancy. I viewed her as my latest
Karmic Test on the issue of jealousy and possessiveness.
Unlike Rachel and Vanessa, Nancy was not leaving town.
However, like her predecessors, Nancy had the Upper Hand. It was not even close. Since I had little to
offer beyond nocturnal passion, due to her beauty Nancy
could replace me with ease any time she wanted to.
More likely Nancy already had other lovers. Or at
least one. She was probably the mistress of a
married man. Why else would she keep me
hidden away and be so secretive?
How did that
make me feel? Possessive. Jealous.
Expendable. I was there for her convenience, so the
moment I stood up for myself and questioned Nancy, it was
likely I would never see her again. So I had a choice
to make. I might go a lifetime and not meet a more
beautiful woman than Nancy. Was I willing to share her
with another man in order to keep seeing her?
Yes. A
small share of the most beautiful woman I had ever met was
better than nothing at all. However it was not worth
it if
I continued to suffer so much in her absence. As the
song goes, ain't no sunshine when she's gone. I missed
her terribly. And I was so jealous of the other man. What
could I do to toughen up? Was there some way to
suppress these dark emotions?
Counting the
minutes till my next Thursday encounter, I combed
through literature I had kept from graduate school in
search of advice on possessiveness. Then I
analyzed my mistakes with Rachel, Vanessa and a couple
others. After a great deal of thought, I decided Rule
Number One was to maintain a balance of power. The
moment a woman believes a man is overly dependent on her,
she gains the Upper Hand. Once a man loses her
respect, he is in big trouble.
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One of the
curiosities of my Epic Losing Streak was my ability to gain
the interest of several extremely attractive women.
These were ladies
who had their pick of many men. My problem was not
finding them, my problem was keeping them. For
example, I remembered Emily, my first love back in college.
I knew she liked me a lot.
Unfortunately
my new-found romance did not last long. On the phone, Emily said something very unsettling.
"Rick,
sometimes I worry that
you like me too much."
My mistake had
been to smother Emily. And I suppose I did something
similar with Vanessa. Following her departure to
Portland and the subsequent discovery of what had been going
on behind my back, I turned into a basket case.
Desperate, I turned to Jason, an advanced graduate student
in the Colorado State clinical psychology program.
Taking pity on me, Jason took me under his wing. As
my bitterness over Vanessa mounted, Jason became more worried.
One night we had very long talk in his office. I wish
I had taken notes, but I remember enough to share what Jason
said. One more thing. The following dialogue
refers to the proverbial battle of the sexes, always a
controversial subject. If anything said offends,
please forgive.
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Jason had this
to say. "Rick, you cannot wallow in self-pity for the
rest of your life. You can't just quit
every time something goes wrong with a girl.
You don't know this, but I kept careful tabs on
you while you dated Vanessa."
"I don't
understand. Why did you
watch me?"
"Because I
knew ahead of time that Vanessa was a handful and it
seemed to me you were falling for her way too fast.
Vanessa has been Dr. Fujimoto's secretary for over a
year. For that reason, I knew her long before you
got here. I also knew her off-and-on boyfriend
Kenny. He had a way with women that had to be seen
to be believed. Kenny was Colorado State's answer
to Casanova."
"What do you
mean?"
"Kenny
struck me as rather nonchalant towards women. He
never seemed particularly attached to the various women
I saw him with. That included Vanessa.
You've heard the words 'cool' and 'aloof'.
I attribute Kenny's good luck with women to his light,
undemanding touch. Treat her like a cat, let her keep
her independence, let her come and go as she pleases.
Let the woman do what she wants to do. As far as Kenny
was concerned, that included letting her have sex with any man she wanted."
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"That kind of
information seems very personal. How do you know that?
Did you date her?"
"At the risk
of hurting your feelings, Vanessa tried to get even with
Kenny by sleeping with several grad students here in the
Psych Department. This took place last summer.
Since I had a girlfriend, she ignored me. However
a couple of the men she did sleep with were fellow grad
students who told me what was going on. Kenny was
way too good-looking and he knew it. Women came so
easy that when one complained, he just moved on.
Vanessa was his favorite. They were perfectly
matched for beauty and vanity. When Vanessa
insisted Kenny stop his womanizing and be faithful to
her, Kenny shocked her by encouraging her to see other
men.
Vanessa
thought he was bluffing, so she decided to call his
bluff and sleep around. Big mistake. Vanessa
was trying to make Kenny jealous, but it didn't work.
One of my friends got her to open up about it. In
his opinion, Vanessa was still in love with Kenny.
He said Vanessa talked about Kenny with
devotion bordering on worship. It seemed like the less
Kenny cared about Vanessa, the more she cared about him.
She claimed Kenny was the least possessive man she had
ever met. Why that magnified Vanessa's attraction
to him I will never know, but my buddy said Kenny's
indifference seemed to be his secret weapon."
"I cannot
imagine being indifferent to Vanessa. I have never met
another woman to even compare to her. Aren't women
supposed to respond to a man's love? Where did I go
wrong?"
"I
think Vanessa's ego got involved. If she could
claim Kenny for herself, then by definition she was the
most desirable woman on campus. As for you, once
Vanessa reacquired her former lover, that altered the
balance of power. Thanks to Kenny's return, you
were more invested in her than she was in you.
Once a woman has another lover, someone like you is at a great
disadvantage unless you find another lover as well.
Otherwise you risk caring more for her than she cares
for you. Since you had no one else, that was your
road to ruin."
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"Is there a
different solution? I did not want to sleep with other
women. What could I have done differently?"
"To be
honest, I don't think you had a chance."
"Why not?"
"Because you
had no idea Vanessa had let Kenny back in the picture.
It wasn't a level playing field. You were dealing
with a dishonest woman."
"So I ask again,
where did I go wrong?"
"You were
naive, you were inexperienced. You let yourself
care too much for Vanessa before you knew who you were
dealing with. The Book of Love advises people to
be careful, to take things more slowly. You commit
a little bit of yourself, then wait and see if the lady
reciprocates. If she matches your interest, move
forward another step. If she doesn't reciprocate,
you back off. Most important, let her know that
you can stand on your own two feet and see other women
if she fails to play fair."
"But what about
Kenny? Why was he willing to encourage Vanessa to seek
other lovers?"
"Kenny had a
different outlook. You wanted a committed
girlfriend, Kenny just wanted to get laid. Kenny
always held the
Upper Hand with Vanessa because he rotated through two or three women at a time."
"Plus he wasn't
possessive."
"Now you're
catching on. In my opinion, nothing alters the
'Balance of Power'
faster than 'Possessiveness'. In a healthy
relationship, the attachment level needs to stay roughly
equal. If the power is one-sided, then someone is in trouble.
Unfortunately
some men fall in love with every women they sleep with
and can't force themselves to see someone else. In
this case, if she sees him weakening, a man must lie and
convince the woman he cares about that he is seeing
other women or can see other women. Or, in Kenny's
case, vice versa. Vanessa kept you around to
maintain a balance with Kenny."
"That's pretty
harsh, Jason."
"Probably
so, but I've given this a lot of thought. Very few
women are as evil as Vanessa, so I'm sorry you had to
learn things the hard way. The problem revolves
around trust and the fear of getting hurt. If a
woman lets herself become vulnerable to a man who
doesn't feel the same way about her, she risks getting
hurt when the man moves on. Another danger is the
man who cares too much. Telltale signs are when a
man
begins to smother her or behave like a creepy stalker."
I winced at
that. There had been several times when I stalked
Vanessa because I no longer trusted her weird excuses.
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"So how do I
protect myself? Or for that matter, how does a
woman protect herself?"
"Since
men are bigger and stronger, for safety's sake
women have a reason to pay better
attention than men.
This is why women are always on the lookout for an
imbalance in the level of attachment.
'Possessiveness'
and its corollary 'Jealousy' are major signals of a
man's diminishing will power. If a man
tries to hide his jealousy, he better be good at it. That
is because
women are unusually intuitive. Women can sense
when a man cares for her more than she cares for
him. I suspect women secretly monitor a man's
attachment level all the time. The moment a woman concludes a guy cannot live without her,
the imbalance becomes her
invitation to dominate. At this point, the man can
kiss the Upper Hand goodbye. Things will never be the
same again as he views life from underneath her thumb."
"Do I really
have to have the Upper Hand? I don't want to
dominate women, but I sure as heck don't want them to
dominate me. What about finding a
woman I can respect?"
"Most
women have a much higher level of integrity than
Vanessa. It was just your tough luck to date a
very dangerous woman. My approach would be to maintain a take it or leave it attitude
until I was certain the woman was trustworthy as well as in love with
me.
At that point, I would be willing to discuss commitment if I
thought there might be a future. Prior to that,
I think the key to
success with much-in-demand women is a cultivated sense of indifference, 'sans
souci' as the French put it. A man has no choice but to play the game
until she is completely and utterly sold on him.
At that point, he can discuss commitment and being
faithful."
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So what did I
think about Jason's advice in regards to Nancy? My long talk
with Jason had taken place four years ago. His
lecture on Balance of Power made a lot of sense. So
did his advice not to get attached so quickly. I believed
by letting myself get much too attached
to Nancy had been a bad mistake. Better to take measured
steps and wait for Nancy to reciprocate. Great advice,
but I felt helpless to resist her. Nancy was
like a mysterious cat. When she chose to be warm, she
would let me hold her all night. But once the sun came
up, she kept me at arm's length. I hated myself for
falling so fast, but Nancy's irresistible sexuality was like
an addictive drug. And, like any addict, I feared
losing access at any moment. If she left, I did not
know how to contact her. She could be gone tomorrow
and I would be all strung out like a pathetic junkie.
Jason had warned of the
danger of falling in love immediately after having sex for
the first time. I hate to say it, but he was right
about that. In my experience, there are some women
with whom the passion is too great. The problem as I
saw it is that Sex is a lot more powerful than most people
would care to admit. Even in these so-called
enlightened times known as the Swinging Seventies, my recent
lovers Jenny, Karen and Nancy had taught me how easy it was
to rapidly develop overpowering emotions towards a lover.
Realizing how out of control I was after making love to
Karen, I had to stop seeing her almost immediately.
Why? Because I am possessive by nature. Because
I did not want to share Karen with her husband.
Theoretically Modern Man has outgrown the pair-bonding
instincts used by cave dwellers thousands of years ago as a
survival strategy. However, I'm not so sure about
that. Based on my own experience, the practice of one
man wishing to bond with one woman still responds to
emotional programming born in antiquity. Although
Modern Men and Women consider themselves liberated from such
quaint concepts, I contend dark emotions such as jealousy
and possessiveness continue to lie quite close to the
surface because it is part of our genetic code passed down
through the ages.
Since
Nancy had little invested in me beyond our Thursday
rendezvous, I decided the only way to hold onto
her was to make her think that I had little invested in her.
Which of course was not the truth, but I could not risk
letting her know that. As a rule, I preferred 'commitment'. However, I also
accepted that not every relationship is headed for the
stars. Painfully aware that Nancy had failed to open
the door to something permanent, I had no choice but to
pretend to be 'nonchalant'. If I wished to
continue seeing a light-hearted, uncommitted woman such as Nancy, the
soft touch was my only chance. But here was the
problem. Given how badly I yearned for Nancy, did I
have the strength to avoid revealing my true feelings?
My biggest fear was losing control around her by showing my
insecurity.
I thought of the Carole King song It's Too Late.
"When you were light and breezy, I knew just what to do.
When you look so unhappy, I feel like a fool."
I was not sure I was capable
of Nonchalance.
Although some consider the instinct of Possessiveness to be
an anachronism, I believe this instinct lives on today in a
powerful way... or at least it did with me. No matter
how much sense Jason's theory of Nonchalance made
on paper, it had been impossible for me to
pull it off in real life with Nancy. When it came to Nancy, my primitive instinct of Possessiveness
was virtually uncontrollable. I wanted her for myself.
No one else could have her.
And did I dare
say this to Nancy? Absolutely not. The memory of
Rachel spurning me after I chewed her out for sleeping with
the Rice professor had left an indelible scar. I
assumed if I pulled a similar stunt with Nancy, that would
be the end. Intellectually I understood Jason's ideas
on balance of power. Unfortunately, the
way I saw it, there would never a balance of power with Nancy.
Since she was not dependent on anything I had
to offer other than occasional companionship, there was
little to tie her to me permanently. Therefore I truly believed
the only chance I had to keep Nancy around was to pretend to
be like Kenny, Mr. Carefree.
Easier said than
done. Kenny used a legion of admiring women to quell
his fearing of losing one of them. Since I had no one
else, my Possessiveness was
killing me. Where Nancy was concerned, I found myself
incapable of changing my basic nature. Although I
preferred a committed relationship, there was no way in the
world Nancy would agree to that. She was a free spirit
who came and left as she pleased. Therefore, the
moment I lost my light touch with Nancy, I was doomed.
I had rocked the boat with Rachel only to lose her, so I
assumed the same kind of temper tantrum would cause me to
lose Nancy as well.
In Jason's opinion,
the most desirable women are immune to a take-charge
attitude because it is easy for them to replace any man
who tries to dominate. Talented women have
economic independence plus a wide choice of lovers.
These kind of women will not put up with being told what to
do. I did not like
what Jason said. His advice to turn a blind eye to the
roaming eye of a new lover in the beginning stages flew
directly against my innate desire to keep a woman I cared
for all to myself. But no matter how much it upset me to
let Nancy see other men, I had to admit Jason made a persuasive
argument. He reasoned that if a guy tells a woman
she belongs to him, she will rebel, especially if she has
plenty of other offers. Since women detest being
controlled, the best way to deal with Nancy was to not control. Considering how deeply 'Possessiveness'
was imbedded in my nature, how long could I suppress my urge to
possess Nancy without going insane? Or for that
matter, how long could I fool her into thinking I was not
particularly attached? Since Nancy likely had other
lovers while I had none but her, I was at a huge disadvantage
emotionally. I was convinced this was a losing
battle.
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