THE YEAR OF LIVING DANGEROUSLY CHAPTER THIRTY NINE: GUILT Written by Rick Archer

Rick Archer's Note:   At the moment I was on serious Mysticism Alert.  Realistically, crazy things happen from time to time to everyone.  I get that.  But the current events in my life stretched the limits of credulity.  Joanne steals the show at the Christmas Party.  Patricia decides to keep me afterwards.  The Rock Star Argument.  The weird New Year's Eve date.  The George bombshell.  My series of brain dead mistakes on Saturday morning that landed Joanne in my arms.  The Pistachio Trap later that night.  Victoria's Tirade.  How Joanne humbled mighty Victoria with her dancing. Now, weirdest of all, Patricia has asked me to take her back without explanation!!  I would have never seen that one coming in a million years.  Seriously, none of these three women behaved in any sort of predictable fashion except for one thing... they were all nuts!  Charles Dickens was well-known for his amazing plot twists, many of which were driven by extraordinary and quite improbable coincidences.  Because his stories were so entertaining, his Readers learned to accept the preposterous coincidences and go along for the ride.  The thing is, some of my own stories seem like something Dickens would write.  Joanne stealing the show is a good example.  Which leads me to wonder if I am the only person who leads a Charles Dickens life or whether these weird situations happen to other people too. SUNDAY, JANUARY 7, 1979, the disco years THREE DAYS OF TURMOIL   Patricia and I did not make love Sunday night.  She hinted, but I was still shaken by the George situation and would rather go home.  Just give me a little time to settle my nerves.  Patricia looked disappointed, but said she understood.  Patricia extracted a promise that I would come over Wednesday night after class and we left it at that.  Based on her expression, I did the right thing by walking away.  Patricia could see I would not tolerate any more nonsense and she respected that.  Of course Patricia had no idea I was playing her.  I was changing.  I had discovered a mean streak.  In this dog eat dog world, what choice did I have?  I did not initiate the problems with Lance Stevens, but I did retaliate by hatching my secret plot under his nose.  Nor did I feel guilty about it.  My decision to be sneaky with Stevens had been rewarded many times over.  Now I hoped for similar results with Patricia.  After I made it home from Patricia's apartment, I stayed up late to mull over this insane move I had just made.  If Patricia would treat me with this kind of warmth more often, there might be hope after all.  But I doubted it.  I dismissed any chance for a long-term serious relationship with Patricia.  Once the trust is gone, it's gone.   I had learned this from my experience with two-timing Vanessa.  I also knew that allowing Patricia back into my life could easily backfire.  However, I was willing to take risky chances and that is what surprised me.  To do so meant I had made a conscious decision to play with fire.  This kind of risk-taking was so unlike me that I asked myself over and over again why I would do this.  Each time, my mind returned to Victoria's Tirade.  No matter how I looked at it, the only way to keep Joanne in my life and keep Victoria off my back was to manipulate Patricia.  Hmm.  Easier said than done.  Patricia was a very smart woman.    Right now Patricia was determined to get me back.  Why I did not know, but since it suited my purposes, I decided to cooperate.  However, reuniting with Princess Pandora would be a huge gamble.  How long would it take to see the return of the strident banshee who had driven me to despair during the Rock Star Argument?  If we got back together, I would risk getting hurt again.  In addition, the threat of my affair with Joanne hung over me like the Sword of Damocles.  If the Joanne situation got out of control, all hell was sure to break loose.  But that was a chance I was ready to take.  The bottom line was my need to get Victoria back under control.  On Monday night I would begin three consecutive days of negotiations.  Joanne was up first.  This would not be easy.  MONDAY, JANUARY 8 TELLING JOANNE A LIE   I dreaded the upcoming conversation with Joanne.  Joanne was a decided underdog when compared to her imposing opponents, but she had shown she was a fighter.  Not only had she symbolically spit in Patricia's face by sleeping with me, she deliberately upstaged Victoria on the dance floor the same night.  I shook my head in wonder.  I was upset with Joanne for putting me in this predicament, but I realized it was not really her fault.  You can never blame a girl for following her heart.  Deep down I was intensely proud of Joanne for making a grandstand play to catch me.  Joanne knew she had at best a long-shot chance to land me as a boyfriend, but to her credit, she went for it.  I had to admire that kind of courage.  I was especially amused to see Joanne pin Victoria back on her heels for the second time.  I was starting to not like Victoria very much.  Viewing Saturday's events from my new perspective of Joanne, she had emerged as a serious Player who rightfully deserved her corner in the Temptation Triangle.  Now that Joanne had evened the score with both Divas, she was a full-fledged participant in the power struggle.  As for my role, that was yet to be determined.  Quite frankly, I was certain something Supernatural was going on with my life, outcome unknown.  For now I would concentrate on keeping each woman in her separate corner.  The thing that troubled me most was how an exquisite afternoon of lovemaking with Joanne had come to feel like Original Sin.  During our Dangerous Liaison, Joanne and I had every right to be in each other's arms.  We had done nothing wrong.  We were both single, we were unattached.  Patricia had relinquished any right to my loyalty and Victoria had no right to interfere.  Therefore it was always difficult for me to understand why something as genuine and spontaneous as our afternoon affair would backfire so horribly.  Another issue that troubled me was the possible involvement of Cosmic Blindness and Cosmic Stupidity.  I use both terms interchangeably.  We all know people make mistakes when they are upset.  That is why athletes taunt each other.  They hope to distract their opponent into making a mistake.  Which is what Patricia had done to me with her treachery.  As a result I made two serious mistakes on Bombshell Saturday morning.  One was leaving my car lights on.  The other was putting the jumper cables on improperly.  Given how upset I was regarding Patricia, I had an obvious Realistic reason to be distracted.  On the other hand, the presence of Joanne seemed way too convenient, sort of a 'wish come true' on her part.  There was a part of me that wondered if I had been set up by Fate to abandon my common sense 'Fair Game' rule.  Was this 'Ordinary' Stupidity or was it 'Cosmic' Stupidity?   It is my belief that Fate intervenes in our lives in ways we will never know.  Quite frankly there was no way to prove Fate was involved in creating these two mistakes.  What I do know is that I would have never given into temptation with Joanne otherwise.  Deep down I had known Joanne was not Fair Game, but I slept with her anyway.  Now that I had changed my mind and decided Joanne was not as helpless as I first thought, she was still not Fair Game.  Why not?  Because she had intense feelings for me I could not match.  Some women are hands off because they are going through hard times and looking for a panacea.  I referred to that scenario as 'The Heart is a Lonely Hunter'.  Desperation makes for poor choices.  For example, last summer I had evaded an offer last summer from a woman named Marian who was having marital problems.  I think she wanted to sleep with me as a way to get revenge on her unfaithful husband.  Then there was Marilyn, the teenager who claimed she wanted me to relieve her of her virginity.  I would have loved to help, but when I realized she also had feelings for me, I decided there was a strong chance things could go badly wrong.  I thought of Sarah, the Rice freshman six years younger than me.  Realizing how fragile and dependent she had become, I broke it off for her own good before crossing the line.  Then there was Elena.  Back when I worked at Child Welfare, Elena was the office secretary who had a huge crush on me.  And I had a huge crush on her.  One night she insisted I take her dancing.  When we stood at her doorstep afterwards, I knew I had permission to fulfill a passion we both felt.  And yet I passed.  It was difficult, but it was also the right thing.  Why did I break it off?  I had just realized Elena's heart was in this a lot more than mine.  Sort of like Joanne, right? I expected Elena would smile in the morning, but would she regret her decision one month from now?  I was certain there was little future.  Elena had been nothing but kind to me for three years.  I liked Elena so much that I felt protective towards her.  Like I keep saying, doing the right thing is difficult, but it sure beats the alternative of hurting people we care for.  Elena and I were both disappointed at the outcome, but at least we were able to remain friends.  Joanne came from identical tree of Forbidden Fruit as Elena.  I liked Joanne so much that I felt protective towards her as well as attracted.  So why did I have the sense to pass on Elena and Sarah but not Joanne?  All three situations were virtually equivalent.  Since I was convinced the Countdown to Disaster was a Mystical Event, I attributed my mistake to Cosmic Blindness.  Previously, not once in my life had I ever given into temptation when I thought the woman was likely to get hurt.  So isn't it strange the one time in my life I broke my Fair Game rule it backfired in the most unbelievable way imaginable?  That's what I mean about leading a Charles Dickens life. Experiences like the Dangerous Liaison have led me to believe there will be times when the inner workings of our minds are 'influenced' by a Higher Power.  This occurs when our Fate decrees the time has come for us to make a serious mistake.  Truth be told, no one likes my theory.  No one wants to be told they are not in complete control of their own life.  Hey, I don't like it either!  But just because we don't like a Law of Nature does not mean we can ignore it.  It really does not matter whether one accepts the theory or not.  If Fate is truly a fact of life, if it is meant to be, then it is going to happen.  Some people say a belief in Fate excuses us from taking responsibility.  I disagree.  I view difficult situations as 'Cosmic Tests' that are deliberately sent to us as learning experiences.  If we avoid taking responsibility, then we automatically flunk the test.  So what do I do when I make a mistake that hurts another person?  If possible, I apologize.  Then I do what I can to atone for my mistake.  I also do my best to forgive myself for a senseless mistake.  Better to accept my Fate, learn my lesson, and do the right thing during my Test. And did I handle my mistake with Joanne in a noble fashion?  Unfortunately, I lacked the maturity to know how to deal with this tricky situation.  Let's just say I did the best I could considering my total lack of experiences in situations such as Joanne.  Given the threat to my dance career posed by the secret of the Dangerous Liaison, the stakes were enormous. Considering how badly my loss of common sense had come back to haunt me, I continued to wonder if my judgment was deliberately impaired on this most unusual day.  But what difference did it make?  Be it Cosmic Stupidity or just Plain Ordinary Rick being Stupid, either way I was responsible for my actions.  So what was I going to do about it?   My first decision had been to allow Patricia back in my life on Sunday. Now it was Monday.  Tonight it would be Joanne's turn with Victoria to follow tomorrow nigh on Tuesday.  I was not looking forward to Joanne's visit.  I had some bad news to deliver that was going to be painful for both of us.  Sure enough, Joanne showed up for our 6 pm Monday private lesson with a big smile on her face.  Damn it!  This girl's in love and I am about to break her heart.  Considering this was a woman I had vowed to protect, the guilt I felt was overwhelming.  The Dangerous Liaison was only two days and 4 hours old, but it seemed like an eternity.  I did not regret our lovemaking.  If anything, I felt close to Joanne.  The tie that bound us was a shared experience as Underdogs to Patricia and Victoria.  In addition, I was deeply grateful for Joanne's help teaching the Monday class.  Plus I loved to dance with her.  I had also discovered Joanne was just as good a partner in bed as she was on the dance floor.  There had been a real spark between us.  For all Patricia's beauty, Joanne put Pandora to shame under the covers.  I suppose it helps to have a beating heart. People like to play the 'What If' game.  What would have happened if Victoria had not been present at the Pistachio Club?  Free of Victoria's Tirade, we would have danced the night away, then I would have invited Joanne to come home with me for Round Two.  To hell with Patricia.  I would have replaced Pandora with Joanne as my new girlfriend. Unfortunately, we were star-crossed lovers.  The combination of Joanne's guileless Cow Eyes and Victoria's keen intuition had caused the Diva to intervene before our spark could become a flame.  Now that Victoria had declared Joanne 'Taboo', the door to any further romance had been slammed shut.  Knowing the pain I was about to deliver, it crushed me to know Joanne deserved a better Fate.  But Victoria held all the cards.  Whoever said Life is not Fair sure got that right.  Victoria was brilliant at advancing my dance career, but right now she resembled unstable nitroglycerine.  The slightest jar to her ego made Victoria fly off the rocker.  Given that my goal was to maximize her talents on behalf of the dance program, Victoria's interference forced me to make two very difficult decisions.  First I needed to use Patricia as away to keep Victoria's wedding vows intact.  Second, I had to tell Joanne that Patricia was back in the game.  I knew I was being cruel, but allowing Patricia back into my life gave me a convenient excuse to ask Joanne to resume 'Friendship' status.   Considering how badly I wanted Joanne in my arms again, what kept me from seeing her on the sly?  Impossible.  Joanne had already shown she was unable to hide her feelings.  Now that Victoria had been tipped off, it was hopeless.  Yes, I would dearly love to return to Joanne's welcoming arms, but given the circumstances that was out of the question.  Was it possible to get Joanne to return to our original status without making her overly bitter?  I was about to find out.  "Joanne, I have some very bad news.  Last night Patricia asked me to try again.  No matter how badly she has treated me, I realized I still have feelings for her.  I am afraid this forces me to ask if you and I can return to being friends." A look of absolute horror crossed Joanne's face.  Dumbfounded, she took it really hard.  In a whisper, she replied, "I don't understand.  Why did you break up with Patricia in the first place?" "Patricia and I had a knock-down, drag-out battle at Christmas over my dance career.  She wanted me to go to law school and I told her I wanted to stick with dancing as long as I possibly can.  We had another terrible fight over the same issue on New Year's Eve.  However, we never officially broke up, but decided to separate and give each other space.  A week has passed and now Patricia wants to try again." As the tears began to flow, Joanne said, "You made it sound like Patricia's return was remote at best." Ouch.  Joanne was right.  "That was the truth, Joanne.  We had a bad fight and she left town to cool down.  The way things looked on Saturday, I doubted seriously I would ever see her again.  But last night Patricia contacted me and asked if we could try again.  I said yes, but I don't think we have much chance of success.  It hasn't worked in the past and nothing has really changed, so I am not optimistic." "In that case, why even bother?" "Here's the thing, Joanne.  I have failed in many relationships.  It has always been easier just to give up and move on.  For once, I would like to see if it is possible for two strong-willed people to work out their differences rather than give up and quit." "I don't know know much about Patricia, but from what you have said she strikes me as cold and heartless.  I think you deserve a better woman than her.  I wish you would give me another chance." Joanne's words cut like a knife.  Joanne was absolutely correct.  She was definitely the better woman for me.  And if Victoria were not in the picture, she would have gotten her chance.  But I did not dare tell Joanne.  It crushed me not to reveal how much I cared for her.  Nor could I explain the real reason I was dumping her was because I was married to my career.  I doubt seriously Joanne would have agreed with my strange logic, so I lied through my teeth and told Joanne I still cared for Patricia.  Omitting any mention of George, I explained the details behind Patricia's poor attitude regarding my dance career.  "I changed my mind about Patricia because after all our fighting, she has finally promised to support me on the dance career issue.  That was the reason I decided to give it one more try.  If it doesn't work out, you will be the first to know." Which of course was another lie.  As long as Victoria's tentacles remained wrapped around me, I would not dream of touching Joanne again.  Joanne had already shown I could not trust her to be discrete.  That had been her downfall.  But I could not tell her any of this, could I?  Instead I would invite Joanne to stick around by offering hope she would get another chance down the road.  I hated myself for being ruthless, but I believed Joanne would benefit more from continuing our friendship than from leaving.  I also prayed Joanne's dance ability would help her find a man who could offer her more affection than I could.  It broke my heart to see a flash of pain cross Joanne's face.  I could just see Gaye pointing her finger at me.  "How many times have I warned you that some women do not know how to guard their heart?"  As Joanne began to cry softly, I was beset by waves of guilt for the pain I had caused this decent woman.  I never should have touched her.  Well aware I had made a terrible mistake, I cursed myself for allowing this to happen.  Indeed, the regret I felt would remain on my conscience forever.  If only there was some way I could make it up to her, but nothing came to mind.  I don't think the world had been very nice to Joanne.  Now I had just added another heartbreak to the list of men who had done her wrong.  I had known all along this dreadful scenario was a strong possibility.  In fact, this had been the exact reason I had passed on Sarah and Elena.  So why did I allow it to happen with Joanne?  I shook my head in consternation.  Stupid stupid stupid. It softened my conscience somewhat that I had warned Joanne in advance about my situation with Patricia.  Joanne had made it clear she wanted me under any circumstance.  And so, despite my misgivings, we had proceeded.  Now as I watched the tears come rolling down Joanne's face, our passionate love-making didn't seem quite so wonderful any more.  Joanne didn't just have a crush, she was in love.  Nor did she try to save her pride by hiding it.  Joanne made no apologies for loving me.  My only saving grace is that I had not lied to Joanne back on Saturday morning.  She had understood that Patricia might return.  However, I did not think it wise to share the devious plan behind my decision to reunite with Patricia.  That would need to remain my dirty little secret.  Finally Joanne calmed down.  She looked at me and saw the worried look on my face.  Joanne shrugged.  "Hey, Rick, quit beating yourself up.  You warned me and I heard you loud and clear.  I knew what I was getting into.  I like you.  I have liked you from the first day we met.  I saw an opening and I took it.  If I had turned it down, I would have regretted it for the rest of my life.  A single girl has to take chances sometimes.  You see that, don't you?" Good lord, after all the crap I had just put her through, Joanne was trying to make me feel better!  What had I ever done to deserve a woman like her?  I felt like such a jerk.  What was wrong with me?  I had behaved so selfishly.  My feelings of guilt overwhelmed me and now it was my turn to cry.  That's right, I began to cry right in front of her.  My eyes continued to well up and I had to wipe my face.  Poor Joanne, she was crying too.  It took a while, but finally our tears passed.  I took Joanne's hand and thanked her for being my friend.  Then I got serious.  "Joanne, can I give you some advice?" Brushing away her tears, Joanne nodded. "I pray that you will remain in my life.  In order to do that you will need to stay off Patricia and Victoria's radar.  These women are not wired like you and me.  To the outside world, they are confident and beautiful, but don't let them fool you.  They have flaws and fears of their own.  Right now, they are both envious of your dance ability and they know you have feelings for me.  They also know I care about you.  They both fear you might replace them.  As it stands, neither woman knows what happened on Saturday morning, but their instincts tell them you are a serious threat.  Please do us both a favor and try to hide your feelings when they are near." I paused to let my words sink in, then continued.  "As you have seen, both women are vindictive.  I suggest when you are around either woman, keep your distance.  If they do track you down, don't tell them a single thing.  Either keep your mouth shut or just walk away.  Anything you say opens you up to being asked more questions, so say nothing.  We both have to be careful.  I may not be allowed to dance with you if things get too hot.  Both women will do whatever is necessary to eliminate you if you threaten them too much, so pretend like you could care less about me." I said this for Joanne's sake, but I also said it to lessen the threat of seeing my secret exposed.  The further distance Joanne stayed from these two women, the happier I would be.  Divide and conquer. Joanne nodded.  She got the message.  After observing Victoria's Tirade, Joanne needed no further warning.  She could see with her own eyes that Victoria was borderline crazy.  In the weeks to follow, Joanne took my advice and laid low.  In addition, Joanne said nothing further about our encounter.  Nor did she make another move.  I concluded Joanne had decided to retreat to the shadows and resume her waiting game.  Maybe another chance would materialize.  If not, she loved to dance and she enjoyed helping me on Mondays.  I also noticed one small change.  Joanne started to talk to the men in dance class.  Good for her. The irony was killing me.  We were both Underdogs, but Joanne was a bigger Underdog.  I had hoped to use my position to lend her a hand, but so far everything I tried had backfired.  Instead of helping her, I found myself taking advantage of Joanne to advance my career.  Forced to play a nasty game of Risky Business, my conscience was killing me.

 

THE YEAR OF LIVING DANGEROUSLY Chapter FORTY:  RISKY BUSINESS

 

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