Oops, I had
just made an unforced error. Would Victoria catch it? Yes, of course she
did.
"Oh, so
you and Patricia had a fight. You told me she was
out of town on business, but you didn't
tell me about your fight. The next time you lie to me, maybe you should get your story straight.
So what did you and Patricia fight about?"
"I did not
lie. Both answers are correct.
Patricia was out of town last week. And we had a fight
prior to her leaving."
"What did
you fight about?"
"Patricia thinks my dance career is a waste of
time [sixth lie. Our fight was about George]."
"Why did
you tell me Patricia was out of town and tell Joanne
that you had a fight?"
"You know
about my problems with Patricia, but I didn't feel like
revealing that information in front of Michael and your
friends. I was embarrassed, so I gave a simple
face-saving reason for her absence. That is the truth
[probably the only honest thing I said all night]."
"Fine and
dandy. So why did you tell Joanne a different
story?"
"Victoria,
you are making
this way too complicated. Joanne knew Patricia and
I were fighting. During the private lesson in the
morning, I was in a pretty bad mood. Joanne asked me what
I was so down about, so I told her about the fight.
What is wrong with that?"
"I will tell
you what is wrong. What is wrong is that you are
not telling me the whole truth. The truth is that
you asked a lonely woman out for
a date during your private lesson. You told her to
meet you at the Pistachio Club and she saw this as her big chance.
You told Joanne the truth about Patricia because you wanted
Joanne to think the coast was clear.
That is how men operate."
"That is not
true. I am not interested in dating Joanne [seventh
lie, a big
whopper]. I
had not made up my mind about dancing until I got your message on my
answering machine."
"Here
is the problem with your story. My friends say I
am a witch because I can read minds. I also have
sharp eyes. Joanne
has it bad for you. Real bad. That was not
the 'Look' of a friend. That was the look of a
sexy whore, a woman
determined to screw you blind. More than likely,
you and she have already had sex and Saturday night she
was looking for more. Sorry, Charlie, but I know
The Look."
Damn it!
Victoria had Joanne pegged right on the nose. This
was serious. But I was not going to surrender. There
had to be some way to cast doubt in Victoria's mind.
"Calm down,
Victoria. You have an overly suspicious mind. Okay,
Joanne has a crush. We have established that. So what? I'm sure you've had
crushes too and so have I. Crushes mean nothing.
It is actions that matter. I had no idea Joanne was going to go off the deep end. She probably got her hopes up when I
appeared without Patricia. But nothing happened. If you noticed, I left by myself.
I have nothing to hide. If you don't believe me, go talk to Joanne about it
[please don't]. But in
the meantime, cut me some slack. I didn't do anything
wrong. It was just dancing,
nothing else."
Victoria shook
her head in disagreement.
"I don't
buy that. You have done something to lead that
woman on, I am certain of it. You two have had sex, I am sure of
that too.
There is a difference in the look of a woman who hopes for
something and a woman who has already gotten it and is
ready for more.
Joanne's pie face said it all. Now tell me
truth."
"You've got it
wrong, Victoria. Okay, I will admit that maybe I
didn't handle things very well on Saturday. I suppose the
combination of telling Joanne I might go dancing plus
sharing my problems with Patricia put a certain fantasy in
her mind.
She would like us to date, that much is true. I agree
with you that Joanne
probably thought she had an opportunity and got
her hopes up.
But her decision to track me down at Pistachio was based on a
misunderstanding, an innocent mistake [like hell it
was].
I wanted to
dance Saturday night, so maybe my casual suggestion that I
might go dancing was all Joanne needed to think I was giving
her a
hint.
Joanne heard what she wanted to hear, so
that's on me. I made a mistake by giving Joanne the wrong impression
about
Saturday night. You've got me on that point. But I have taken care of
it. Yesterday I
explained the facts of life to her. Joanne
understands loud and clear that Patricia is my girlfriend. There,
you've gotten to the bottom of it. Are you satisfied?"
"As a
matter of fact, no. I will tell
you what I think. I think you're leaving something
out. I know that Look."
Good grief, this
woman is relentless!
"No,
Victoria, you
are wrong. The problem is that Joanne
jumped to the wrong conclusion and you have a suspicious
mind. Like I said, when I told her in the morning that I
might go dancing later on, maybe she read more into it than I
meant. Maybe she thought I was asking her for a date.
Then when I showed up without Patricia, she was sure she had
guessed right. Maybe she thought Patricia and I had broken up.
When someone is lonely and wants something too much, they
see what they want to see. Maybe I misled her, but it
was not intentional.
C'mon, Victoria, you know guys don't always think of every angle like you women
do."
"Why didn't
you tell her Patricia was out of town? That would
have been a simple way to put her expectations back
in line."
"I don't agree with you. Try to see
this from my point of view. I was walking a tightrope. Joanne's appearance
at Pistachio caught me by surprise. I knew Joanne had a crush on me, but I
wasn't looking to hit on her. I just wanted to dance!
Yes, I saw the aggressive look on her face just like you
did. I was immediately worried she had jumped to the wrong
conclusion. Joanne already knew we had a fight, so if
I added Patricia was also out of town, Joanne
would know I would be sleeping alone on Saturday night. Joanne
would conclude I was up to no good which was fine
by her. When the cat's away, the mice can
play. However, I wanted our evening to end gracefully without
offending her. So how was I supposed to communicate all
these nuances without insulting Joanne in the process?"
"That's
easy. You say, 'I am here at Victoria's
invitation. Nice to see you, Joanne. Have a
great evening.' Then come sit with me like you
were supposed to."
"That's a bit
harsh. Joanne is a friend who fights evening traffic
and drives 20 miles round trip every
Monday to help me. She deserves to be treated
better than that. What was I supposed to say?
Maybe I should have said,
'Uh, gee,
Joanne, you're looking kinda horny tonight and my girlfriend
hates me and she isn't in town, and yeah this is your
golden opportunity but I don't wanna fool around. So can we
can just stick to dancing?'"
"Nice try,
Rick, but your bullshit doesn't fly. The
woman is an open book.
Joanne was absolutely certain she was going to get laid. That was written all over her face."
"Look, Victoria, I'm getting tired of this.
I've told you the truth [liar liar pants on fire].
If you don't believe me, why don't
you just talk to Joanne about this? You will see that
nothing happened."
"Don't
be ridiculous, I don't need to speak to Joanne. I'm
sure she would lie to me just like you.
Besides, I've already read her mind. I'm a witch,
remember? Assuming you are telling me the truth,
which of course you aren't, I want
a convincing explanation why Joanne would make such a fool of
herself."
"Joanne knows that Patricia and I have been having
our problems just like you do. I talk to Joanne about
Patricia
sometimes because I need a little sympathy. What's wrong
with that? I told Joanne that Patricia and I had a
fight. I assumed Joanne would understand that Patricia wasn't in the mood to
go dancing with me on Saturday.
Obviously Joanne misunderstood. What Joanne
did not realize is that Patricia and I fight all the time.
Maybe she guessed that Patricia
and I had broken up, so she got her hopes up. The whole
thing was one big misunderstanding. On Sunday,
Patricia and I got over our disagreement, so on Monday I told Joanne
that everything is patched up. Everything is
under control. Call Patricia if you don't believe me.
Call Joanne if you don't believe me."
In reality, I
was bluffing. I would die if Victoria took me up on my
offer to call either woman. This was not looking good.
As things stood,
I had been playing defense for close to an hour and Victoria
kept backing me into a corner. I knew I was taking a
big chance with all these lies and half-truths, but Risky Business calls for bold actions.
As Victoria eyed me suspiciously, so far it seemed to be
working. Victoria had no
idea that I had made a bargain with the Devil to allow
Patricia back in my life specifically to deal with this line
of questioning. I was
lying through my teeth regarding Joanne. However, it was at
least somewhat
plausible. Would Victoria buy it?
Victoria said
nothing for a moment. She narrowed her eyes and
stared at me coolly in the dark. So far, Victoria had not cracked
my facade, but it wasn't over and the stress was really
getting to me. I had
never lied to a woman in my life. I mean that.
One of the few advantages of my Epic Losing Streak is that I
never had a compelling reason not to tell the truth.
Up till now, I was so pure I resembled George Washington and
a Choir Boy rolled into one. Okay, maybe a little fib
or white lie here and there, but never anything like this.
However, Patricia's Bombshell, Joanne's Liaison and Victoria's Tirade
had
put me in the awkward position of lying to all three.
Tonight I was handing Victoria a giant pack of lies.
This was uncharted territory for me and I was very nervous.
Out here in the parking lot, I could see
Victoria was
probing my moonlit face for any trace of guilt. When Victoria
claimed she had an amazing sense
of intuition, she scared the wits out of me. So I tried to stay as calm as possible.
Just in case she really was a mind reader, I visualized walking my dogs just to keep any incriminating
thoughts from leaking out.
It didn't work. Victoria was still suspicious.
"I know what
I saw, Rick. I saw a woman who is in love and full
of desire. You can smooth talk all you want, but you
can't fool me. Something is going on between the
two of you, I am sure of it."
Victoria didn't
pull any punches, did she? I began to feel really bitter. Why do I even put up with this
Inquisition?
Yes, if I were Victoria's cheating boyfriend, I could
understand this line of questioning. But I was
not her boyfriend. So why did I choose to submit to this grilling from
a married woman who had no business talking to me like this?
Furthermore, where did she get the nerve to talk to me like
this? Victoria had no qualms about sticking her nose
where it did not belong. It made me sick that Victoria had so much leverage
over my business that she could abuse me like this. Well, I had held
my own this far, so I continued to hold
firm. Deny deny deny.
"Here is where
you are wrong, Victoria. That 'Look' you refer to can
also be anticipatory. You saw the look of a woman who was hoping something
would happen, but nothing happened. I am sorry that
Joanne made a fool of herself. She embarrassed me by
acting the way she did. I am sorry things got out hand
and gave you the wrong impression."
"No, I
disagree. That was the Look a woman gets who knows
she has a sure thing lined up. You still
have not explained to my satisfaction why Joanne had that
shit-eating grin on her face. My instincts tell me
you and Joanne have been having sex while Patricia is
out of town and you are tip-toeing around the truth.
I am a witch. My instincts are never wrong."
Victoria hit the nail on the head. The woman should have been a
professional interrogator. Standing up to her scrutiny
was sheer torture. If this continued much
longer, I was worried I would blurt out the truth or
make a fatal error. Right now my
blood pressure was soaring and I was sweating profusely. Thank
goodness it was dark or she would have seen her pressure was
really getting to me.
"Oh,
Victoria, nonsense, will you knock it off already? That is not correct.
For the last time, Joanne and I are not having sex [a bald-faced lie]."
"I don't
believe a word you say. You are fucking that girl,
I am certain of it. As I said, my instincts are never wrong."
When Victoria
said that, I lost
my temper.
"Goddamn it,
Victoria, knock it off. Your instincts are not infallible. Figure it out.
If I wanted to do something behind Patricia's
back, why would I bring Joanne out in the open for the world
to see, including you? I knew you would be there on
Saturday night, so why would I bring Joanne there knowing
full well her presence would upset you? If
I was having sex with Joanne, do you think I would be stupid
enough to
put you and her in the same room? Of course not!"
Wow, where did
that speech come from? That was my best line of
the night and the idea to say it came out of nowhere. Sure enough, an immediate
look of doubt crossed Victoria's face.
The moment I saw Victoria cover her mouth with her hand, I
knew was finally getting somewhere. So I pressed my
advantage.
"If Joanne and I were
actually seeing each other, once I got your answering machine invitation, I would have called Joanne
on the phone and
told her to meet me somewhere else [Victoria did not need
to know Joanne was too poor to have a home phone]. If
I wanted to fool around, I wouldn't do it in front of you."
With that, Victoria started to nod
a little.
Thank goodness my logic made sense to Victoria. My latest
lie had broken her spell. Even though Joanne had been
stupid enough to announce our fling with her face lit up
like a neon billboard, I was saved by the fact that
no one in their right mind would flaunt their affair in
plain sight. This had been a
close call. I was guilty as hell, but I had fooled Perry
Mason and gotten away with murder. I was shocked at how good I was at
lying. I almost
believed my own bullshit. Where did this gift for
story-telling come from? I suppose the skill had always been there,
but I had never been forced to use it until now. Lying was
not part of my nature. However, now that my halo had fallen, it was nice to know I had the ability to
talk my way out of trouble.
