LOVE IS BLIND

Since the dawn of time, the human race has tried to explain why Love and Irrational Behavior seem to go hand in hand.  Some blame it on the Devil.  Some blame it on the Moon.  Some blame it on Witchcraft.  The Field of Psychology tries hard, but hasn't done much better.  Psychology has fits trying to explain why we become Fools in Love.  A good example would be Sigmund Freud.  Obsessed with Sex and the Unconscious as the answer to everything we cannot understand, Freud used 'Complexes' to explain Love Disorders.

Oedipal Complex, Electra Complex, Inferiority Complex, Adonis Complex, Martyr Complex, Unconscious Repressed Desire, Madonna-whore Complex, Casanova Complex, Guilt, Libido, etc.  The day arrived when 'Freudian Complex' became part of our every-day vocabulary.  Only one problem.  Most of his ideas were debunked.  Freud's shortcomings invited other psychologists to get in the game.  Self-help books abounded.  My favorite was Dr. Ruth.  "The most important six inches to passion can be found between the ears."  Once the door was opened, everyone had a theory.  Hmm.  Why let everyone else have all the fun?  I decided to create a theory of my own.

Cosmic Blindness.  Love is Blind when the Universe decides our Fate calls for it.   People see what the Cosmos wants them to see.  Plus the corollary.  People do not see what the Cosmos does not want them to see. 

For example, in a previous chapter I explained in great detail how I spent 20 years harboring the mistaken view that I was too ugly for an attractive woman to remain interested in me.  As another example, Patricia saw my run-down house and my beat-up Volkswagen Beetle, but never quite made the connection that maybe I was not as rich as she thought I was.  By the time she figured it out, more or less against her will she was too attached to simply send me packing like she should have.  In other words, I think Patricia was Blinded as a way to lead her... and me... to a very unhealthy relationship. 

One problem with my theory is that I cannot prove it.  Another problem with my theory is that no one will like it.  Speaking for myself, I prefer to believe my thoughts are my own.  I imagine everyone else feels the same way.  But what if we are wrong?  They say we have Free Will, but what if we don't?  The concept of Fate implies that certain things will happen automatically.  Certain things are meant to be, certain things are destined to happen.  In which case, if it is true that Fate exists, there will be times we will have no choice but to cooperate. 

Why would anyone willingly choose to accept an unpleasant Fate?  No doubt somewhere Patricia continues to wonder how on earth she could have been so stupid as to accidentally date a lowly dance instructor.  My guess is that Fate does not ask permission, it imposes its will by secretly planting ideas in our head. 

That includes Bad suggestions as well as Good suggestions.  For example, for twenty years I looked in the mirror and decided I was so badly disfigured that no woman could bear to look at me.  Sad to say, that was a legitimate conclusion on Day One.  But once the acne cleared, I underwent two 'dermabrasion' operations which restored my looks to some extent.  Maybe not completely, 75-80%, but close enough that a woman would not care if she liked me.  Only one problem.  My negative self-image refused to leave. 

In fact, the terrible image of that disfigured face staring back at me in the mirror had taken permanent residence in my mind.  Why?  My best guess is the Universe wanted me to become incredibly desperate and lonely.  Tough luck for me, but that 'Bad Idea' was very effective.  Convinced that deep down I was the 'Creepy Loser Kid', I could attract beautiful women, but lacked the confidence necessary to keep them. 

As a result, when the Mistress Book dance lesson idea presented itself, I grabbed at it like a drowning man.  Did I suspect I was being manipulated?  No, of course not.  It was not till the latter stages of the Epic Losing Streak that I became suspicious that I had been Blinded on purpose. 

So what happened at that point?  I met a woman who seemed just as deceived by her own mind as I had once been.  Her name was Victoria. 

1978-1982

SPELLBOUND
 

It's too late, baby, it's too late
Though we really did try to make it
Something inside has died
and I can't hide it and I just can't fake it

    -- Carole King, It's Too Late

Practically all of us have had disastrous love affairs.  They serve as lifelong reminders that when Love is involved, sometimes our judgment misleads us.  There is universal applause for the happy concept of finding our loving Soul Mate.  However, no one wants to imagine we might be Fated to meet a Soul Antagonist.  Why is it that some relationships which seem so perfect at the start somehow turn out rotten?  We all know stories where things look rosy at the start, but later turn sour.  If my Cosmic Blindness theory is correct, sometimes we see what we are meant to see until it is too late.  Just ask Patricia.  The poor girl thought I was rich.  Guess again. 

My disastrous four-year relationship with Victoria is the event that convinced me once and for all that Cosmic Blindness exists.  Oh no, the Reader groans, not another Cosmic Blindness story!!  Why does Rick continue to subject us to all these depressing stories?  How about we hear some more cheerful stories about Marla?

I will give you one reason why Cosmic Blindness is important.  What if I am right?  Cosmic Blindness explains why otherwise intelligent people sometimes do things that defy all common sense.  We have heard of 'temporary insanity'.  I know the story of a woman named Clara who is currently rotting in prison.  One day she lost her temper and drove her car over her cheating husband's dead body three separate times.  Here is a gentle woman who had never done a bad thing in her life.  But one day she just completely lost it and ruined her life.  Racked with guilt, no doubt Clara is full of regret.  No doubt she hates herself for losing her temper.  And yet at the same time, maybe sometimes she wonders what possessed her to do something like that.  After all, Clara is not a violent person by nature.

Here is my point.  Yes, the woman is responsible for her actions.  At the same time, though, it would be a lot easier for Clara to forgive herself if she understood that perhaps her mind had been infected by the Force of Fate.  Cosmic Blindness is an abhorrent concept because it calls into question the nature of Reality, Free Will and personal Responsibility.  Nevertheless, despite our distaste, the mere possibility that the concept might be true gives us strong reason to consider it.  That is why I continue to stress the issue.

Victoria entered my life during my first year of teaching dance.  She was a married woman who came perilously close to ruining her life by chasing me.  I thought Victoria was the most charismatic woman I had ever met.  She had it all, beauty, brains, vivacity, popularity.  Serving for five months as my unpaid assistant, one day Victoria decided she preferred me to her husband.  Was I glad?  No!  I was aghast.  This made no sense.  

Michael was a great guy, a perfect match for Victoria.  Indeed, Victoria told me many times she had enjoyed a loving marriage with him until her mysterious infatuation with me began.  Did I do I something to cause Victoria's crush?  No!!  Victoria was special, but why would I want to chase a married woman when I was surrounded by countless single women at the studio? 

What Victoria wanted was both of us.  She said her husband had given her permission to seek an affair.  Yeah, right, like I believe that.  I put my foot down and said if she were to leave her husband, then yes, I would be open to a relationship.  When I said that, Victoria got cold feet.  Was I irresistible?  No.  Victoria made it crystal clear that her husband was the Better Man.  In fact, one day she even put it in writing.  Feeling compelled to explain why she preferred not to leave her husband, Victoria met me at a coffee shop and handed me her Husband List. 

Michael made more money.  He had a better job with more status and more stability.  He had more education.  The house he bought her was far superior to mine.  He was a great father.  Victoria could have added that Michael was better looking, better athlete, and universally respected.  Nor did he have any discernable faults.  No cheating, no alcohol, no gambling, no debts.  The worst thing Victoria could say about him was that Michael worked too much.  Only one problem.  Despite glowing praise for her husband, Victoria was in love with me. 

"What does she see in him?" 

To me, the existence of the phrase 'Love is Blind' suggests the irrational nature of Love is nothing new.  Everyone seems to know that Love makes people do some really crazy things.  What is it about Love that drives people nuts?  They blame it on everything from the Moon to Voodoo, but in the end NOBODY REALLY KNOWS. 

Surely I am not the only person who believes there should be a reason WHY a woman is attracted to a man.  Just give me one good reason WHY Victoria would choose me over her husband Michael.  Just give me one good reason WHY Victoria would risk hurting her daughter for me.  Oh, don't bother.  In Victoria's case, there was no logical explanation. 

Due to the disturbing lack of a single Realistic Reason why Victoria would choose me over Michael, I decided the Realm of the Supernatural might be responsible.  I wondered if it was possible her foolish behavior could be traced to seeing me through Cosmic Blinders.  There are all kinds of phrases related to Love and Misperception.  'Rose-colored glasses', 'Opposites attract', 'Beauty is in the eye of the Beholder'. 

My guess is 99 out of 100 would have agreed that Michael was an upgrade over me.  I do not enjoy putting myself down, but I will be the first to admit Michael was exceptional. Plus he was a nice guy.  I liked him.  Even when hell broke loose, he was decent towards me.  So why would his wife throw away her marriage to chase a dance teacher?  What did she see in me that would elevate me past her husband?  My guess is Victoria saw what the Universe wanted her to see.  If Victoria was Spellbound, that might cause her to see me in a favorable way that would make no sense to an unaffected person. 

Not only did Victoria turn a Blind Eye to her husband, she must have seen something in me no one else could see.  If so, what was it?  No one knows, not even Victoria.  She was unable to identify one significant area where I was superior.  Oh, maybe I was a better dancer, but that is no reason to turn her back on a loving husband and a beautiful daughter.  Victoria knew Michael was better for her, but she preferred me.  WHY?   Victoria's Husband List was a remarkable event because it gave evidence that she was acting in direct conflict to her own conclusions. 

What do we say when the referee makes a bad call?  We say he is Blind.  And so was Victoria.  Her highly disparaging Husband List was all the proof I needed to confirm Victoria was a deeply confused woman.  Any woman in her right mind would have moved on.

Returning to my Brightest Day/Darkest Day theory, let me repeat that Victoria was the most talented, most charismatic woman I had ever met.  Using a combination of business acumen and popularity, in a matter of six months Victoria elevated the dance program to three times the size it was when we first met.  Considering everything Victoria touched turned to gold, I would suggest that this period was her Brightest Day. 

Given my refusal to participate in an affair, why didn't I just get rid of her.  Our business relationship was very strange.  During the first six months, Victoria worked for free.  After that she became a teacher making the paltry sum of $60 teaching four one-hour classes per week.  When her students paid, they made their checks out to me.  In other words, I "owned" the business.  But Victoria was the boss.  Her personality was so much more dominant than mine, I had the sense to take a back seat to Victoria's brilliance.  Although I can take some credit for the rapid expansion, basically I was taking orders from her. 

What was Michael doing during this time?  At first he was happy.  Victoria had been a human dynamo back when they were in college.  However, her outsized personality had gone into remission after she quit her job to become a stay-at-home mother.  Pleased to see Victoria's boundless energy spring back to life thanks to the challenge of making the dance program flourish, Michael was very supportive.  However, somewhere around the six-month mark Michael sensed that Victoria's obsession with Disco dancing was becoming a threat to their marriage.  When he asked her to ease up, Victoria defied him and began chasing me.  The low point came the day Victoria claimed Michael had given her permission to have a 'European Relationship' with me.  With my bullshit detector firing warning messages, I told Victoria to have Michael give me a call and confirm his rather unusual recommendation.  Never heard from him.

To be frank, had Victoria been single, I would have welcomed her with open arms.  But Victoria was not single.  Although I was flattered by her sudden interest, I was completely opposed to an affair.  We started as friends, let's keep it that way.  Undeterred, Victoria continued to pursue me.  So why didn't I put my foot down?  Now that is an interesting question.  Although I was the nominal owner of the dance program, Victoria had essentially kidnapped "my child".  At this stage of the game, Victoria was more important to the students than I was.  Victoria enjoyed making threats.  Well aware of her power, she pointed out the woman who builds my house can also tear it down.  When I protested things were getting out of control, Victoria claimed the dance program was just as much hers as it was mine.  If I tried to "fire her", she would destroy me.  And you know what?  I believed her.  I found myself caught in the same unenviable position as the office secretary/single parent mother who has to kowtow to the demands of her boss to keep her job.  This was Victoria's Darkest Day.  Once she transformed into a vindictive shrew, Michael could not talk sense into Victoria and neither could I. 

For reasons I did not understand, Victoria insisted that she was irresistibly drawn to me.  I shuddered at the thought that Victoria was determined to recklessly pursue a man who begged her not to do this.  Why won't she listen?  It was incomprehensible to think Victoria was willing to put a knife in her husband's heart, a man who had done nothing to deserve this.  Convinced that Victoria had lost her mind, she behaved as if she was 'SPELLBOUND'.   You assume I am kidding, but what else could explain this mysterious transformation for the worse?  Watching in morbid horror, I watched Victoria behave as if someone had cast an evil spell over her.  Her insane behavior was the single most baffling act of self-destruction I had ever witnessed in my life. 

No doubt a therapist could rattle off a series of psychological theories to explain her madness.  However, the change in her behavior was so radical that I entertained a theory of my own: Cosmic Blindness.  If it is our Destiny to make a serious mistake, what easier way to lead us astray than to temporarily render us Blind? 

Let me carry my Spellbound Theory one step further.  Let's say it is the Fate of Victoria to engage in an affair with Rick.  Only one problem.  Victoria is at heart a virtuous woman who deeply loves her husband.  Not only that, in her eyes, Rick is inferior to her husband.  Since Victoria knows right from wrong, how does one persuade her to betray Michael, the man she loves?

There is only one way.  You have to drug her.  Since her morals preclude betraying her husband, there is no other way.  Okay, bring out the pixie dust and cast the Spell.  Next thing you know, Victoria sees Rick through Rose-Colored Glasses.  Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder and Rick is looking pretty good.  With Rick starting to resemble the man of her dreams, Victoria is deluded into believing the Almighty Throne of Disco Queen justifies committing an unthinkable act.  And so she goes knocking on the doorstep of the Lesser Man.

FATE ARRIVES ON MY DOORSTEP

For nine months, Patricia and Victoria had a serious rivalry.  After Patricia moved on, Victoria intensified her pursuit to have an affair.  She could not have picked a worse time.  Thanks to the movie Urban Cowboy being filmed in Houston, practically overnight the city lost interest in Disco.  I watched in horror as attendance in my dance program plummeted.  It became increasing obvious Disco would be gone completely in a matter of months.  If so, I would be out of a job.  Making matters worse, Victoria and I had three consecutive accidents during dance performances.  The weird thing is that not once did I make mistake.  Each time something completely out of my control went wrong.  Unfortunately, each time Victoria barely missed being seriously hurt.  After the second accident, Victoria was worried that we had a 'Dance Curse'.  Then came the third accident.  It upset Victoria no end that we had gone to great lengths to stay safe, but the accident happened anyway.  Maybe we really were Cursed.  Totally spooked, Victoria decided to quit performing and stick to teaching instead.  Only one problem... we barely had enough students left to pay one instructor, not two.  One would think Victoria could read the writing on the wall... there was no realistic way for me to support her if she left husband.  But that is the thing about Blindness.  Victoria ignored the Disco Death Rattle.  If anything, Victoria pushed harder.  Why?  The tension was very bad at home.  Michael was fed up with Victoria gone two, three nights a week at night.  Even worse, Victoria had the bad habit of staying late after class to talk with me, All we did was sit in her car and talk, but how was Michael supposed to know that?  Michael was sick and tired of seeing his wife get home at 11 pm.  With his patience and trust wearing thin, Michael insisted she give up teaching and stay home with him and their daughter.  Defiant, Victoria threatened to leave him.  I was aghast.  What woman jeopardizes a solid marriage for a failing dance instructor and a part-time job that pays $60 a week?

Under pressure, I made a serious mistake.  Assuming no woman in her right mind would dream of leaving her child, a good husband, a beautiful home and secure existence for a struggling dance instructor, I made a bold promise as a way to get Victoria off my back.

"Victoria, I refuse to have an affair.  However, if you were to separate from Michael and move in with me, yes, I would be open to a committed relationship."

I did not mean what I said.  It was a bluff, a gamble.  Well aware that no woman in her right mind would throw away a good marriage for a man with a failing business, this was my face-saving way to protect the dance studio from her threats and avoid having an affair.  Unfortunately, Victoria took me at my word.  Alarmed when she began to talk about moving in with me, I panicked. 

"Victoria, this Dance Curse is the final straw.  To me, these accidents are God's way of saying He does not approve of our possible union.  Between Urban Cowboy, Sunday's dance accident at Annabelle's and your decision to quit dancing with the group on Friday night, the end of the Disco Era is upon us.  What is the point of continuing this talk about moving in with me?  Besides that, I am in complete agreement with your Husband List.  There is no way I can ever match what Michael can offer you.  Therefore, the time has come for me to step aside.  You are the Golden Wife with the Golden Life.  I beg you to please give Michael another chance."

Did Victoria listen?  No!  Without warning, one week later she showed up on my doorstep late at night.  Noting she had a suitcase at her side, I turned white.  Lord, it's the Devil, should I let her in?

Victoria spoke first.  "Michael knows I'm here.  I have informed him that I am moving in with you.  He watched me pack and did not try to stop me.  Now that I have sacrificed my marriage, what more proof do you need that I am serious about our future together?"

I was totally against this idea.  But what choice did I have?  To defy her risked triggering her threats to destroy what was left of my failing dance program.  Besides, I had made a promise to her.  Trapped by my own words, I stepped aside.  The moment Victoria crossed the threshold, she realized she had just made the worst mistake of her life and broke into tears.  Too embarrassed to return home, Victoria fell to pieces in my living room.  Tears, wailing, grief.  To be quite frank, it crossed my mind that her Blinders had just been removed.  The 'living together' experiment did not go well.  Nor did it last long.  Filled with remorse over the pain she had caused her husband and missing her daughter, Victoria moved home after one week.  There would be a heavy price to pay.  Michael was not in a forgiving mood.  It would take Victoria three years to repair the damage caused by her impulsive decision. 

What was my reaction?  Although I was greatly relieved to see her go, the question remained why Victoria would do something so stupid in the first place.  I was convinced she was not operating with a full deck.  But here is what was so strange.  Before Victoria went crazy, she was Brilliant.  Seriously, I had never met a woman with more talent in my entire life.  So what, I asked, could cause her to change from a dynamo into a Blind Fool?

"Humans have a knack for choosing precisely the things that are worst for them." -- JK Rowling

I sincerely believed Victoria was out of her mind to pick me over her husband.  Victoria openly admitted Michael had done nothing wrong to deserve her curious loss of interest.  Not just that, when we first met, she had described Michael as the greatest husband in the world.  I knew Victoria loved him.  He was a good man, a good provider.  Even more important, Michael was a loving father who adored their daughter.  What was wrong with this woman?

"Talent and Intelligence have never inoculated anyone from the Caprice of the Fates."  -- JK Rowling

If ever there was a person who fit that quote to perfection, it was Victoria.  I was certain she was a victim of the "Caprice of the Fates".  And now for the weird part.  Independent of me,   Victoria reached the same conclusion!!   

On the day Victoria moved home, after she was gone I found a letter she had left on my table.  Her letter revealed Victoria's suspicion that something inexplicable had come over her. 

"I know too that our relationship hasn't always been easy, but I have always felt that our being together was Destiny.  It's like no matter what happens, the Universe keeps pushing me in your direction and I can't seem to let go of you." 

How spooky is that!?!  Obviously Victoria sensed the same eeriness surrounding her fixation that I did. 

I have shared many stories to explain how and why I became obsessed with the subject of 'Fate'.  If asked to choose, I would nominate Victoria's weird Jekyll and Hyde saga as the event that troubled me the most.  What, I ask, would cause this amazing woman to lose all semblance of common sense? 

The field of Psychology arose to answer one specific question:  Why do otherwise intelligent people sometimes go haywire?  That included me.  I was borderline mentally ill after being thrown out of graduate school.  I can list a dozen psychological reasons to explain my nervous breakdown after the dismissal.  And no doubt Victoria could do the same for her own descent.  So please understand that I respect the principles of Psychology.  But there is also a part of me that wonders if maybe we have it all wrong.  Perhaps 'Mental Illness' is a condition imposed upon us from beyond as a function of our Fate.  If JK Rowling is correct, maybe we all are at the mercy of the "Caprice of the Fates".

Given that I have led a long and very wonderful life, I have few regrets.  However, one thing I have long regretted was never getting the chance to discuss Victoria's "Destiny Letter" with her.  I would have loved to ask what caused Victoria to feel that some unknown force was propelling her in my direction.  Alas I never found the right time.  Victoria moved home before I could ask her about it.  After that, she was so emotionally drained from the fight to save her marriage that I dared not explore her thoughts on a sensitive issue like Fate. 

Now for the strange part.  After she moved back home, Michael moved out and got a divorce.  It took two years, but one day without warning Victoria's Vindictive personality vanished and her Sunshine personality returned.  As God is my witness, it was like watching an Evil Spell be removed.  Once the 'original Victoria' reappeared, she was able to regain her husband's trust.  Slowly but surely they repaired the immense damage.  It is my understanding they are still together. 

Although I contend that 'Cosmic Blindness' is the best explanation for the radical change in Victoria's personality, I readily admit this is speculation.  The true reason for Victoria's split personality will remain the great mystery of my life. 

Serious

Predestination
Cosmic Blindness