December 1973, Colorado state, age 24

BETRAYAL

Nine days after Vanessa moved back to Portland, I learned that Fujimoto had failed me in the Interviewing course.  First Vanessa, now Fujimoto.  Knocked flat on my back by a double dose of bad news, I was in serious need of a friend.  Christmas was approaching fast.  On a whim, one afternoon I walked over to a bulletin board in the cafeteria where people posted travel notices.  As I scanned the notices,  I stopped breathing when I saw a notice from someone who needed a rider to share gas money on a Christmas trip to Portland.  Portland??   What unbelievable luck!  Or maybe not.  The date on the note said it had been posted a week ago, so there was no way to know if the offer still stood.  I copied down the phone number anyway.  However, before I called, first I needed to check with Vanessa and get permission to visit. 

As I walked to my office in the snow, I had a flashback.  Early in the relationship, Vanessa said she loved me.  When I pointed out the problem posed by her move to Portland, Vanessa replied, "Rick, you shouldn't worry.  We will find a way.  I promise we will find a future together."  Oh, how I longed to see her again.  Now that she was free of Kenny's spell, maybe we could rekindle our torrid romance. 

School was about to let out for Christmas Break.  I was free to leave Fort Collins whenever I wished.  That night I called long-distance to Oregon to talk to Vanessa.  Vanessa's voice was surprisingly warm.  When I realized how happy she was to hear from me, my hopes were raised.  However, when I told her I wanted to come see her, the tone in her voice changed dramatically. 

Vanessa lowered her voice to a whisper. 

"Rick, oh God, I wish so much you could come see me.  I miss you terribly.  But there's a huge problem.  My ex-boyfriend Kenny is here in Portland.  In fact, Kenny's here at my house!  He showed up today unannounced!  Can you believe that?  What a loser!  He is so desperate I am ashamed to even know him."

I stopped breathing.  Kenny is at Vanessa's house this very minute??  How in the hell did that happen?  I could not even respond.  I was completely paralyzed.  After a long pause, Vanessa realized I was too stunned to speak, so she resumed.

"You have to believe me, Rick, I did not ask Kenny to come here.  Kenny and I are through.  You are the one I want.  But Kenny has always been emotionally unstable.  Unable to accept my decision to separate, he followed me all the way to Portland.  This morning he simply showed up unannounced on my doorstep.  I am really angry at him.  Kenny had no business doing that."

"So why is he still there?  Tell him to go home."

"Rick, I completely agree.  I am shocked and I am mad.  Really mad.  I could not believe he would do this without asking me first.  I refused to let him in, so we spoke on the porch instead.  Kenny broke down when I said I didn't love him any more.  He cried like a baby and begged me to take him back.  He promised to move to Portland and make it work.  He said he wanted us to get married.

I said no no no, forget it, but he wouldn't leave.  My mother heard the commotion and came out to see what was going on.  Mom could see Kenny was a wreck.  She felt so sorry for him that she offered to let Kenny stay in the guest room overnight or until he is strong enough to leave.  I cannot believe my mother did that without speaking to me first.  I am so sorry!"

This story was beyond preposterous even by Vanessa's standards.  I was tempted to ask if legendary Teresa the Lesbian was visiting too, but decided this was not the time for sarcasm.  Instead I said nothing... a trick I had learned from Fujimoto.  Lo and behold, it worked.  After another long pause, Vanessa continued. 

"Poor Kenny.  You know, in a way I do feel sorry for him.  He is so depressed.  He's not strong like you.  He is really having trouble coping with losing me.  My mother is very worried about him.  She thinks Kenny has had a nervous breakdown.  Mom thinks Kenny might be desperate enough to do something foolish.  You understand, don't you?"

Strong like me?  If Vanessa could only see me now.  "Have you told Kenny about me, Vanessa?"

"Oh, heavens no, I don't dare do that.  Kenny is far too insecure.  That would drive him over the edge and then I'd never get rid of him.  The best thing is to give him a couple days, then tell him it's time to return to Fort Collins.  All I need is a couple days, then you can come see me."

"What about me, Vanessa?  Why should Kenny's problems prevent me from coming to see you now?  Tell the guy to find a motel.  He'll get over it."

"I can't do that.  My mother told him he could stay.  She's talking to him right now.  That is why I have to whisper.  I cannot allow you to visit until I know when Kenny will leave.  But don't worry, I will call the moment he leaves."

Waves of anger swept over me.  How ridiculous was Vanessa's story?  I had spent this past month listening to every lie in the book and this nonsense was final confirmation of her betrayal.  There had been a shred of doubt before this, but no longer.  I was now convinced Vanessa had been seeing Kenny all along.  Nothing else made a bit of sense.  I replayed the memory of the night he had come pounding on her door as we made love.  She didn't let him in that night, but I would wager money that Kenny had better luck the next time he came knocking. 

With the vivid thought of Vanessa in Kenny's arms, jealousy turned into hate.  Unable to listen to another word of this horseshit, I slammed the phone down and screamed bloody murder.  Vanessa's treachery was complete.  Vanessa had deceived me the entire time.  Seething with rage, I crumpled into my chair and buried my head in my hands.  Anger, jealousy and insecurity coursed through my veins.  I was so mad I was trembling.

Just then I had a funny thought.  The notice on the wall had no name on it, just a phone number.  I bet Kenny had posted that notice.  After all, how many people in Colorado were headed to Portland at Christmas?  That had to be Kenny.  What a shame we didn't ride together.  I imagine Vanessa lied to Kenny as often as she did to me.  If she was two-timing me, she was two-timing him.  After comparing notes, we could have teamed up to murder the lying bitch and used each other as an alibi.  What a delightful idea.  The way I felt, Vanessa was very fortunate to be 1,000 miles away. 

December 1973, Colorado state

Christmas day

Four days passed.  It was Christmas Day.  Numb with bitterness, I was in the darkest mood imaginable.  All morning long I just sat there in my chair staring blankly at the TV without actually watching it.  My loyal basketball sat quietly in the chair next to me.  I didn't want to hurt the basketball's feelings, but a friendly dog would have been more effective.  I thought about Arlene.  I could not believe I had exchanged this decent woman with a big heart for a lying she-devil.  I had no one to blame but myself.

Shaking my head in despair, at that moment, the movie Ben Hur came on.  I was riveted because this movie captured the unspeakable sacrifice of Jesus in a way that touched me deeply.  I was aghast at the scene where Ben Hur accidentally encounters Jesus carrying his cross towards Golgotha.  As Jesus said, "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do", Ben-Hur felt the dying man's voice taking the sword of anger and hatred out of his hand.  The moment Christ died, a deafening storm broke loose.  Amidst thunder and furious wind, the world was enveloped in pouring rain.  Without warning the leprosy of Ben Hur's mother and sister was suddenly cured.  It was a powerful scene... this noble man has given his life for our sins.  I began to cry... and cry... and cry.  It took quite a while to compose myself.  Afterwards, I said a prayer of thanks.  My despair was not completely gone, but at least I could function again.    

Every now and then, people catch a break, but don't give it a lot of thought.  Not me.  I realized how fortunate I was that my TV had been on the right station at the right time.  If I did not know better, someone had done me a huge favor.  I was ready to start over.

After watching Ben-Hur, my thoughts turned back to God for the first time in ages.  How could I have forgotten about God?  After all, I spent two years of my life thinking about God non-stop during my spiritual journey.  The movie had cheered me up considerably, but now the wolves began to close in again.  Alone in my apartment, I felt the darkest of moods threaten to return.  What could I do to get through this crisis?  I decided to reread Autobiography of a Yogi, the book that had helped cure a serious depression back in college.  This book had meant a lot to me during my difficult Sophomore year in college.  To my relief, the soothing words of this remarkable story worked its magic again.  Thanks to the encouragement, I pulled through one of the darkest, loneliest moments of my life.

I finished the book on Thursday, December 27.  Just then I had a novel idea.  Vanessa had a girlfriend named Jackie.  It dawned on me that Jackie might know something.  Like Vanessa, Jackie worked as a secretary at CSU, but in a different building.  If I could track Jackie down, I wondered if she would shed light on the situation.  I knew it was a long shot, but I could not sit still without at least trying. 

As I walked towards Jackie's office, I wondered where this unusual thought had come from.  Jackie had not once entered my mind for the past month.  Was this my idea or was my Guardian Angel looking out for me?  Whatever the answer, this idea was a real doozy.  I knew Vanessa and Jackie were close friends, but I barely knew the woman.  We had shared two brief conversations in Vanessa's presence, but that was the extent of it.  What reason would Jackie have to talk to me?  Nevertheless, I was in so much pain that I was willing to risk further embarrassment.  Since it was a weekday, I assumed Jackie would be required to show up for work whether school was in session or not.  To my relief Jackie was at her desk when I walked in.  When Jackie turned white, I was certain she knew something.

Jackie was an attractive woman about my age.  She was tall and slender with long, straight brown hair that went way past her shoulders.  Jackie stared at me long and hard, but said nothing.  She did not appear to be happy to see me.  Finally she spoke. 

"Good morning, Rick.  What can I do for you?"

"Do you have a minute?" 

Jackie nodded and pointed to a chair.  I was very relieved when Jackie didn't tell me to leave.  I was too nervous to get to the point, so I began talking about a book Jackie had recommended a month ago.  However, I stopped in mid-sentence when I realized I was beating around the bush.  Embarrassed, I had just caught myself doing exactly one of things Fujimoto criticized me for.  Fujimoto might be a jerk, but he was a smart jerk.  I hated his guts, but the man had definitely taught me a thing or two. 

"Jackie, I'm here because I want to speak with you about Vanessa."

Jackie immediately crossed her arms.  Jackie was uncomfortable, but I was not sure what to say to break the tension.  Finally I got the courage to continue.

"A couple days ago Vanessa told me over the phone that her ex-boyfriend is in Portland.  She said he showed up uninvited, but I don't think she is telling me the truth.  I wondered if you would be willing to explain what is going on.  I can't seem to figure Vanessa out."

Jackie rolled her eyes.  "Awkward, very awkward." 

Without warning she stood up.  My heart sunk because I thought she was going to toss me out.  But I was wrong.  Jackie turned to look out the window at the stunning Rocky Mountains looming in the distance.  Jackie had a view of the snow-covered mountains that was beyond wonderful.  Unfortunately I was too miserable to appreciate the view, so I just sat there waiting.  Finally Jackie looked back at me.  Shaking her head in disgust, Jackie returned to her chair.  She took a long breath, then started to talk.

"You realize of course that Vanessa is my friend."

I nodded.  "Yes, I know that.  I also know it is unlikely that neither you nor I will ever see her again."

"Good point.  Okay, what do you want to know?"

"I want some answers.  I want to know if Vanessa lied to me about Kenny."

Jackie sighed.  "You know, Rick, I knew it was going to come to this.  I told Vanessa she had no right to lie to you like that.  But Vanessa is gone and I don't feel like covering her ass anymore.  So let's do it like this.  Tell me what you know and I will try to clear it up for you."

I started with Vanessa's decision to move to Portland.  I told Jackie when I met Vanessa, she had already made a decision to return to Oregon to resume her education at Portland State in January.   I told Jackie that Vanessa's parents lived in Portland and the tuition was peanuts compared to what she would have to pay in Colorado.  Was that the truth?

Jackie laughed with scorn.  "That's just a cover story, Rick.  Vanessa is a legal resident of Colorado.  She could have gone to school at Colorado State for the same amount of money as Oregon."

"I did not know that.  What was so important about Oregon?"

"Before she met you, Vanessa made a mess of her personal life.  Last summer she developed what you would call a 'reputation' around this place.  She was madder than hell at Kenny for a fling he had.  If you will excuse my French, Vanessa launched a fucking campaign as payback.  She worked her way through the Psych Department.  Kenny was the jealous type and Vanessa made sure he knew about it.  Kenny was furious with her behavior, but what could he say?  Vanessa was determined to make it crystal clear to Kenny that she could have any man she wanted and there wasn't a damn thing he could do about it.  Kenny played right into her hands by being insanely jealous.  However, once the rumors started and people began to snicker, Vanessa decided she had burned her bridges.  It was time to move to Portland and start fresh in a new place." 

I was very quiet.  Not long after Vanessa left, Glen, my office partner, had told me some rumors he had heard about Vanessa's reign of terror.  It sickened me to know it was true.  

"So where did I fit in?  Was I part of her campaign?"

"No, I don't think so.  Once she decided to move to Oregon, she was finished.  I think you snuck up on her.  Vanessa likes to collect men and sometimes she can't help herself.  Vanessa had just broken up with Kenny for the twentieth time when you came along.  She thought you were cute and decided to check you out.  You were a complete surprise to Vanessa.  I don't know what you said to her, but Vanessa was blown away by how smart you are.  For all her faults, Vanessa is a very bright girl.  You apparently impressed her a lot.  She was leaving town soon, but her heart said go for it anyway."

"My romance with Vanessa developed like a wildfire.  It was intense and passionate.  Surely this wasn't a lie??"

"No, of course not, that part is true.  Vanessa was genuinely attracted to you.  Like I said, she was very surprised at how interesting you turned out to be.  However, Kenny suspected something was up.  He had a bad habit of cruising her house every night.  When he saw your car in front her house, he parked and began pounding on Vanessa's door."

I nodded ruefully.  Oh, how well I remembered that night.

"About ten days after Vanessa started seeing you, Kenny decided their breakup needed to end.  He knocked on her door one night, she let him in planning to tell him how much she hated him.  However, once Kenny began the sweet talk, her clothes fell off.  Sorry, Rick, but shit happens.  Vanessa has always had a real weak spot for Kenny.  He is a very, very pretty boy." 

With that, I winced.  I had often wondered if Kenny's good looks had given him the advantage over my scarred face.  Seeing my eyes glisten, Jackie paused for a moment.  Once I got past my insecurity, she resumed.

"Over the past couple years those two have tortured each other more than any two people I have ever known.  They play all kinds of mean games.  Once Vanessa met you, she told me she was bound and determined to tell Kenny to get lost for good.  So much for Vanessa's will power.  The morning after Kenny came knocking, Vanessa walked in here in a really bad mood.  She said the only reason she let him in last night was to tell him how much she hated him.  Lotsa luck with that, girl.  Vanessa should have known better.  Kenny has her number." 

I spoke up.  "Something changed around the time of the garage sale.  Vanessa would not let me come over to her house to help.  She used someone named Teresa the Lesbian as her excuse."

"You have to be kidding.  There is no Teresa, but yes, the garage sale is part of the timeline.  Kenny came back into the picture shortly before the garage sale and had planned to help her that day.  So did I for that matter.  Vanessa was torn over what to do.  There was no way she could allow you and Kenny to be in the same place.  She sat right where you are now and cried buckets.  She was surprised by the intensity of her feelings for you and didn't want to give you up.  But what was she supposed to do about Kenny?  Once she let him back in, there was no way to get rid of him on short notice without starting World War Three.  So Vanessa made a decision.  Because Kenny lives just down the street and drives by her house all the time, she decided you could never visit her house again.  That included your offer to help with the garage sale."

A thought crossed my mind.  "Where does Kenny live?"

"Ramblewood Apartments down the street from Vanessa."

I nodded.  So I was right.  That had been Kenny I once saw in the parking lot standing next to Vanessa's car.  Jackie was right.  Kenny was very good-looking, a lot better looking than me.  Feeling dejected, I probably never had a chance once he came back.

"Why didn't Vanessa just tell me what had happened?  Maybe we could have worked it out."

"That's what I told her to do, but she didn't listen.  She was terrified you would find out.  She said she couldn't bear to hurt you.  Plus she couldn't bear to face her guilt over what she had done."

"Vanessa sure had a strange way of avoiding hurting my feelings.  Look at me now, I'm devastated.  What was she thinking?"

Seeing me choke back tears, Jackie hesitated.  This was not pleasant for her, I could see that.  For one thing, she still felt a loyalty to Vanessa.  In addition, she was forced to choose her words carefully lest I break down and cry a mud puddle in her office.  I hate to admit it, but that was a real possibility.  However, I was hanging in there, so I suppressed the tears and nodded for Jackie to continue. 

"Unfortunately for you, Kenny had the inside track due to their long history.  But Vanessa was miserable at the thought of giving you up.  She had gotten very attached.  More than anything, Vanessa did not want to let you find out.  She knew how much you cared for her and she knew you would be crushed.  Knowing she was leaving Colorado in three weeks, Vanessa decided to keep seeing you, but keep you in the dark about Kenny.  That would be the easy way out.  Vanessa decided it was easier to juggle two men than deal with the pain of hurting you.  However, Vanessa understood she was playing with fire.  Looking for a way to keep you two apart, you got the daytime and Kenny got the nighttime."

Hmm.  That explained several of her lies.  That also explained why I was no longer welcome in her house.

"Did Kenny ever find out about me?"

"Yes and no.  He suspected that Vanessa was seeing someone, but he didn't know who it was.  Do you remember Jackson?"

My eyes widened.  Uh oh. I had a bad feeling about this.  Jackson too?  Jackson was a fellow grad student that Fujimoto had run off a month earlier.  How many men in the Psychology Department did Vanessa sleep with?

"I remember Jackson.  What about him?  Was he part of her campaign?"

"Yes.  Vanessa had a fling with Jackson early in September.  One day Kenny saw them together in the Department hallway holding hands.  Kenny cornered her that night and got her to confess.  Vanessa decided it would be easier just to break it off with Jackson.  However, when she broke up with him, Jackson was pretty upset.  That was one of the reasons Jackson left the program.  Between Fujimoto picking on him and Vanessa choosing Kenny over him, he was fed up."

Good grief.  What a tangled web this woman weaves.  First Jackson, now me.  Vanessa and Fujimoto were quite the wrecking crew. 

"But what does Jackson have to do with me?"

"Kenny was certain Vanessa was seeing someone.  Vanessa told Kenny that was Jackson in her house the night he pounded on her door.  Kenny was fooled into thinking she was seeing Jackson again."

"But Jackson left town and went back to Arizona."

"Yes, but Kenny didn't know that.  It was a clever move because it kept your identity concealed.  Vanessa is very good at juggling men.  However, Kenny knows her too well.  Vanessa was shocked when Kenny knocked on her door that very first night.  Apparently he noticed your car outside her house and guessed right.  Later on he demanded to know who she was with.  After Vanessa told him it was Jackson who had been in there, he never caught on.  However, he was suspicious as hell.  Kenny was constantly trying to catch Vanessa or trip her up.  She was forced on several occasions to change her plans at the last minute just to keep Kenny from catching on."

"What about the menstrual cramps?"

Jackie let out a snort of disgust.  "That was quite a stunt.  After spending the day with you in the mountains, Vanessa had to figure out a way to see Kenny on short notice.  It was her last Saturday in town and Kenny was waiting for her."

"What about Thanksgiving?"

"Kenny was supposed to go see his mother, but he changed his mind, so she had to stay with Kenny instead of seeing you."

"What about her last-minute trip to Denver?"

"She went there with Kenny."

"What about the Saturday football game?"

"She went there with Kenny.  By the way, is it true you broke into her house?"

"Oh shit, you know about that?"

"Yes.  Why did you do that?"

"Vanessa gave me some BS excuse about Teresa the Lesbian being uncomfortable around men.  This was the reason I was not allowed to help with the garage sale.  She said she would call me later.  No phone call.  I called her house instead, but no answer.  I got paranoid and went to check her house out the same way you say Kenny did when he pounded on her door.  I found an open window, so I climbed in.  Vanessa was passed out, but she woke up just in time to catch me before I could sneak back out."

"That was wrong, but I understand.  I know you suffered a lot, Rick, but so did Kenny.  Kenny was insanely jealous.  It isn't easy having a cheating girlfriend.  Knowing how Kenny cruised her house constantly, she could not take the chance of having you come to her house anymore.  That is when Vanessa came up with her idea of using your apartment for Afternoon Delight.  Deceit comes way too easily to her."

There was something I had to know.  "Who helped Vanessa with the garage sale?"

"I did and so did Kenny.  Then we all went out for dinner and did some heavy drinking."

"That was the night I climbed through Vanessa's window.  I was convinced she was two-timing me and I was desperate to know the truth.  However, when I entered, she was alone.  Where was Kenny?"

"Kenny was with both us that night.  When Vanessa got drunk at dinner, he carried her into the house, threw her on the bed and left."

I was incredulous.  "Seriously?  Is that what happened?"

Jackie nodded quietly.  "That is exactly what happened.  They were both riding in my car.  Look, Rick, Vanessa is something straight out of daytime soap opera.  Trouble follows her wherever she goes.  Vanessa tells me everything.  She was pretty angry when you broke into her house."

"Vanessa had told me some absurd lie about Teresa the Lesbian.  When she didn't answer the phone, I got so suspicious I could not see straight.  I was absolutely convinced Vanessa and Kenny were in there.  I went insane with jealousy."

"Like I said, what you did was wrong.  However, you shouldn't be too hard on yourself.  You made some bad mistakes, but lord knows you were set up.  There's only so much a person can take."

I frowned.  "Jackie, did I ever have a chance once Kenny came back?"

Jackie hesitated.  She knew how vulnerable I was on this issue. 

"No, Rick, you never had a chance.  You were the victim of bad timing.  Vanessa explained it to me.  She had three weeks left.  After she and Kenny hooked up again, she would have never heard the end of it if she told Kenny the truth about you.  Kenny would have made her final three weeks a living hell.  Her only two choices were to give you up or keep you in the dark.  She was too selfish to give you up, so Vanessa let Kenny be number one and you got whatever spare time she could find.  It helped that you worked in the Psych Department.  That allowed Vanessa to chase you down any time Dr. Fujimoto was not around."

With that revelation, my face wrinkled into a death mask.  It took everything in my power not to cry and embarrass myself in front of this kind woman.  Jackie frowned.  She could see I was on the verge of tears, so she politely looked out the window till I could compose myself.  I am sure she was uncomfortable seeing how much pain I was in, but to her credit she gave me the space I needed.

When Jackie turned back, I said, "I am sorry I have put you in such an awkward position."

"Oh, it's okay, don't worry about it.  You seem like a nice guy.  I imagine you would do the same for me if our positions were reversed.  People need to look out for each other."

I nodded.  "Thank you for your kindness.  Yes, I would do the same in your position.  It has been driving me insane not knowing what was really going on."

Jackie smiled politely, then resumed the narrative. 

"I argued with Vanessa about her decision on two different occasions.  She would always come to me for sympathy about something mean Kenny had said or done to her.  Invariably she would ask herself why she kept putting up with so much crap from the guy.  Then she would start to talk about you and her whole demeanor would change.  She really did like you."

"Why didn't Vanessa look for a better solution?  Why didn't she quit her job and stay in Colorado?" 

"Interesting that you say that.  One day Vanessa came in here and said she had changed her mind about leaving Colorado now that she had met you.  This was before Kenny made his comeback.  She really thought you were the guy and wanted to see where things might lead.  She even talked about marrying you one afternoon.  But once Kenny pulled his big bad wolf trick, Vanessa decided it was hopeless.  She was frantic about how you would react when you discovered the truth about her bad girl past.  She expected you would drop her in a flash and then where would she be?  I told Vanessa to say something, to at least give your relationship a chance.  Vanessa shook her head.  She told me things were too far gone.  There was no way she could keep it a secret forever.  She would have to tell you eventually.  Then she would have to tell Kenny too.  Once that happened, Kenny would confront you and all hell would break loose.  Knowing Kenny's temper, she expected a fist fight.  Vanessa decided the odds were too remote to put off any chance of a happy ending.  Too risky.  Better to move to Portland, cut her losses and start over."

I nodded.  Everything Jackie said made sense.  It was such a relief to know the truth.

"So you are saying Vanessa decided it was easier just to leave town before the fireworks started."

"Exactly.  By the way, there is something I want you to know, something I feel guilty about.  One day I was so mad at Vanessa, I came very close to telling you myself.  I told Vanessa that someday you were going to find out.  I couldn't bear to see her set you up like that.  I told her you seemed like a decent guy and you would really be hurt.  But Vanessa warned me not to say a word.  Vanessa said you would never have to know.  She said you had told her you were going to move on and date other women.  After you said that, she was convinced she was justified in continuing the deception.  I told her not to be such a baby.  Of course you were going to date someone else.  What were you supposed to do, erect a shrine and light candles in her memory?  I told her if she didn't confess, then I was going to do it for her.  Vanessa stomped her feet and demanded I stay away from you.  I decided that since I barely knew you, I would stay out of it.  I took the easy way out just like Vanessa did.  From that point on, whenever I saw you in the Psychology Department, I felt this huge sense of guilt.  I would turn around and walk the other way just so you wouldn't see me.  Will you forgive me?"

"Of course, Jackie.  You were in a tough spot.  Listen, I think I've had all the truth I can take for one day.  I should go, but do you mind if I ask one more question?"

Jackie nodded, so I continued.  "Kenny is in Portland right now.  Can you shed some light on that?"

"Are you sure you want to know?"

"Yes."

"Kenny called and said he wanted to see her, so Vanessa invited him to spend the Holidays, maybe see if there was still a spark.  Like I said, she has a thing for the guy.  When you called, it took her off guard so she had to make up a story.  Don't blame yourself.  In all my life, I have never witnessed a stranger situation.  It was a really tough break for you to run into a terribly confused woman.  Now I have a question for you.  Last week Vanessa phoned me from Portland.  She said her old boss had just failed you out of the program.  Is that true?"

"Yes."

"Unbelievable.  Are you going to leave soon?"

"No, I don't think so.  My friend Jason say they do not have the legal right to ask me to leave until the end of the school year.  He suggests I use the remaining time to try therapy with a man he likes.  Before I go, I want you to know how grateful I am.  I was going insane trying to understand what I did wrong."

Jackie smiled.  "You are not ready to hear this, but I will say it anyway.  Vanessa did you a huge favor by leaving town.  She is not the right woman for you."

When she said that, I melted.  Jackie was the direct opposite of Vanessa.  What a joy to find a woman like her.  In fact, I was so amazed at how kind she was, I could not help but see her in a different light.  Jackie was a very pretty girl in her own right.  As our eyes met, for a brief moment I thought about asking her out.  Jackie was exactly the friend I needed.  But I dismissed the thought.   For one thing, I did not dare risk further rejection.  I was far too vulnerable to be starting something new.  However, the main reason I hesitated was my shame.  Jackie knew about the mistakes I had made.  She also knew how I had groveled rather than have the guts to demand the truth.  In addition, what girl wants to date a guy who has just failed out of the Psychology program?  No woman wants to date a loser like me.  It was hopeless.  Jackie knew too much about my weaknesses.  So, with a heavy heart, I decided to say nothing. 

"Well, Jackie, you are probably right about Vanessa doing me a favor by leaving.  I can't imagine how I would break free if she was still hanging around.  Listen, I've taken up enough of your time.  Thank you for speaking to me.  This has meant a lot to me."

When Jackie smiled as I walked out the door, every bone in my body urged me to turn around and ask her out.  But I stopped myself.  I was still pretty much in the dark when it came to women, but it seemed like 'Pity' was a lousy place to start a friendship.  So I kept on walking.  I was starting to catch on that some things are more important than extraordinary beauty.  Why was I such a sucker for good looks?  Jackie wasn't flashy like Vanessa, but she was a far better human being.  What a shame I did not meet Jackie first.