THE 2004 WEDDING CRUISE

THE USUAL SUSPECTS

The 2004 Wedding Cruise was an outstanding accomplishment for Marla.  It was important because it set the standard for the upcoming Love Boat Era at the dance studio.  That said, what is curious to me is how little Marla and I did during the trip to make it such an outrageous success.  Don't get me wrong, Marla and I contributed our fair share.  We taught dance workshops and participated in the evening dance events.  In addition, we checked on everyone at dinner time.  While Marla stayed at the table entertaining our relatives, I went around to each table speaking to guests about their day. 

However, neither Marla nor I were in a position to spend extra time with the group.  I had my mother and aunt along while Marla had her brother, niece and sister-in-law.  We spent much of our daytime with them.  Not only that, this was our honeymoon.  We had better things to do than hang with the singles crowd during our free time.  Fortunately, even though Marla and I kept our participation to a modest level, the various guests had a great time without us.  How was this even possible?  Doesn't the sun revolve around us?

As it turned out, without being asked, a group of leaders emerged in our absence.  I referred to them as "The Usual Suspects".  Wherever there was trouble or pandemonium, one or more of the Usual Suspects was sure to be involved.  Why were the Usual Suspects important??  Because, in my absence, they did my job for me.  The best (and naughtiest) stories revolved around them.  They incited other people to join the mischief, they got everyone involved in the fun.  The Usual Suspects made this cruise trip sizzle.

Oddly enough, the person who made the Usual Suspects famous had nothing to do with their misbehavior.  Gary Richardson gets my vote as the Unsung Hero.  Early in the trip, it seemed like every time I visited the Windjammer Cafe I would run into Gary.  No matter what time I showed up for coffee, breakfast, or lunch, Gary was there.  Invariably he would be in the same spot surrounded by anywhere from six to a dozen people.  One day Gary's wife Betty was kind enough to explain what was going on. 

"Once Gary discovered this lovely area at the top of the ship, he decided it was the perfect location to talk in comfort with all his friends.  Gary loves to look out at the ocean but he despises sun and heat.  The Windjammer is air-conditioned with round the clock coffee and a beautiful view.  Best of all, he is having way too much fun holding court.  Gary has not shut up once since the trip started."

Indeed, Gary provided a unique service.  Gary was 'Information Central'.  Constant as the Northern Star, his fan club always knew where to find him.  Throughout the day people would drift back and forth between the hot tub, the afternoon dance floor, and the Windjammer.  If someone wanted to find a missing person, they would ask Gary.  If someone wanted to catch up on the latest gossip, they would ask Gary.  If they wanted to spread the latest gossip, they would tell Gary.   If someone wanted their picture taken, they would ask Gary.  Thanks to Gary, all day long everyone knew where to find company and laughter.  Whenever a familiar face would wander by, Gary would be there to greet them.  Inevitably the newcomer fell under the spell of Gary's hypnotic chatter and find themselves unable to move again till Betty came to fetch Gary.  Although I teased Gary about the danger of growing roots in his backside, I was secretly pleased.  It tickled me to see all these people spending time together.  Don't tell anyone, but I was also relieved.  Now I did not have to feel so guilty about dedicating my time elsewhere. 

The payoff came at the end of the trip.  Gary handed me 500 photographs complete with the gossip necessary to expose the antics of the Usual Suspects.  Thanks to Gary, my Wedding Cruise Recap was so sensational that from here on out my task of promoting future cruises became effortless. 

THE 2004 WEDDING CRUISE
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 26

THE STORY OF THE BOUQUET AND GARTER
 

Unlike the First Reception where there was little time for our guests to dance, the Second Reception gave our second wave of guests plenty of time.  And dance they did.  There was furious champagne-assisted non-stop dancing for over an hour.  The floor was packed all night light long.  One feature that warmed my heart was the willingness of Singles and Married people to intermingle on the dance floor.  Marla's cruise trips were always notable for single men who asked married women to dance, married men who asked single women to dance, and for couples who periodically traded partners out on the floor.  Since I consider myself an armchair social scientist, I was curious to know the reason for this enlightened attitude.  I came up with a variety of answers.

Considering the boy-girl ratio on this trip was close to even, with 125 guests on board, the men and women had roughly 60 different partners to choose from for each new song.  Some stuck to one partner, but the majority sought out different people to ask.  Of course the obvious reason to switch would be related to heartthrobs caused by Cupid's darts.  However even the lovelorn managed to dance with friends as well as romantic possibilities.  One reason for frequent switching would be 'boredom'.  I probably should not reveal this secret, but the average guy only knows ten or so moves to each style of dancing.  Ten Cha-Cha moves with the same woman for an hour grows old.  One simple solution is to sit for a long time and hope the woman will forget she already knows what to expect when he asks her again.  However, a better solution is to ask a different woman to dance.  Well aware that variety is the spice of life, men are clever enough to take their act on the road.  Ten moves with this woman, ten moves with that woman, and so on.  Meanwhile, every woman in the room is seeing the same ten Cha-Cha moves from every man.  Fortunately, women love to partner dance so much, they don't mind.  Women are born code-breakers.  They enjoy the challenge of deciphering the different ways men lead the patterns.  Besides, if they like the guy and he is considerate of their safety, even the same ten moves can be fun.   

The deeper reason for switching partners is rooted in friendship and trust.  Although social dancing is known as a potent courtship technique, it is also a great way to have fun with different partners.  One of the smartest things I ever did was to develop a 'switch partners' format in every SSQQ dance class.  First I teach a pattern.  Then I have the students form a circle.  Do the pattern, then men are asked to move to the next woman in line.  In a class of 40, a man will rotate through all 20 women sooner or later (and vice versa).  People laugh, people tease, men make mistakes, women forgive them.  It is a well-known fact that women who barely know a man are usually much more forgiving than a man's steady partner.  I am completely serious.  I have seen women with a bleeding toe tell a man it barely hurts.  But if it is her husband who steps on her toe, oh baby, it's going to be a long trip home!  Once the men discover this, they enjoy switching.  This gives them a chance to practice the pattern enough times with non-critical partners to show improvement when they return to their usual partner.  Best of all, friendships are formed during the switching process regardless of marital status. 

So who goes on Marla's cruise trips?  The same people who dance together back at the dance studio.  Over the course of dancing with the same people over the course of seven days and nights, friendships nurtured at the studio grow much deeper during the cruise trip.  It is a sweet sight to behold.  However, just because Singles and Married people dance together does not mean they share the same attitude towards marriage.  This point was driven home in a very amusing way during our Bouquet and Garter Ritual at the Second Reception. 

Where was George?  Before the event, it gave me great pleasure to threaten him.  George knew he was the man I was aiming for.  Unfortunately, George was too clever for me.  Not only did he stand as far back as the suspicious women would let him, the moment I threw the garter, George leapt behind a giant pillar for safety.  Taken by surprise, none of the ladies were quick enough to stop him.

Once the coast was clear, George magically reappeared. As the men in front rapidly parted to escape the deadly Garter lying on the floor, George was proud of himself eluding danger.  Seeing what a smug sissy he was, I toyed with the thought of calling George forward and exposing him for the coward he was. 

George was not the only coward.  The garter's change of direction happened so fast, at first the men did not know where it had landed.  However, the moment they saw Marla's time bomb lying on the floor, the men parted faster than you can say 'Red Sea'.  I was about to say something to George, but just then Steve noticed the garter lying there at his feet.

Embarrassed at being caught flat-footed, at least Steve had the grace to handle his misfortune like a man.  He bent over to pick up the garter as it lay on the floor.  Once Steve touched the garter, his Fate was sealed. 

All the men felt sorry for Steve.  There he was standing by himself with the garter in his hand.  The funny thing about Fate is that sometimes Good Luck is disguised as Bad Luck.  My guess is the women saw this as an omen.  After all, the garter had changed direction in mid-air to target Steve.  This suggested Steve was a 'Marked Man'.  Ordinarily Steve was just as immune to women's charms as George, his leading rival for Romeo honors.  But now he was wounded!  Assuming he was no long able to resist, the women began a rather spirited competition to see who could land this notorious rogue first. 

Over the course of our seven day trip, Steve had more women fighting over him than he ever could have imagined.  Surrounded by admirers wherever he went, maybe getting hit in the head by the garter was not so terrible after all.  With the Wheel of Fortune pointing his way, Steve became point man for more mischief than I thought humanly possible.  Rather than run from the women, he embraced them.  Forced to play eenie meenie miney mo, grab the nearest woman by her toe, Steve put a signup schedule on his cabin door.  It said noon, three, 6 pm and so on.  Really?  No, but it felt that way.

At first the men were happy it was Steve and not them.  But now the men were angry because the coolest girls gravitated to Steve instead of them.  I did not feel sorry for them.  Tough luck.  What a bunch of cowards.  Who could forget that Steve had stood at the very front tempting Fate?  It was almost like he asked for the challenge.  And you want to know something?  Steve came through.  There is a famous aphorism, 'With great Crisis comes great Opportunity.'  By the end of the trip Steve was being hailed as "The Great Gabino" due to his magnetic prowess with women. 

THE 2004 WEDDING CRUISE

BEATLEMANIA

"She loves you, yeah yeah yeah!!"

As background to this story, one would have to be a Baby Boomer to truly understand the sway the Beatles held over the minds and hearts of impressionable teenage girls back in the early Sixties.  For several years there, scads of helpless teenage girls nearly lost their minds.  The world was bombarded with pictures of countless young women screaming their heads off with passion, heartbreak and longing.  It was awe-inspiring to witness the power these four young men wielded over their adoring fans.

But that was forty years ago.  Do you ever wonder what happened to that teenage hysteria as these young ladies grew older?  Did any of that childhood passion continue to lurk in their hearts?  Did these silly girls mature or did their angst and devotion simply go into hibernation? 

I contend the longing was still there just waiting for the chance to live again.  Thanks to Steve Gabino, the passion for the Beatles lurking in the hearts of several SSQQ women came roaring back to life one afternoon.

The Legend of the Great Gabino began innocently enough.  The Rhapsody hired a band of Beatle impersonators to perform on the trip.  These guys definitely tempted Fate when they advertised themselves as 'Beatlemania'.  My, my, they had no idea the risk they were taking when they took the stage one afternoon early in the cruise. 

Marla and I did not attend the Beatles event.  Fearful of letting Marla get anywhere near Steve, I was forced to keep my new wife locked in her room.  (By the way, I hope the Reader realizes much of what I say is said tongue in cheek.)  On the other hand, I did not make this Beatles story up.  These people were crazy!  Not just Steve, not just Phyllis, but all of them!  At a certain point in the trip, I was so embarrassed that I told the Captain of the ship I had no idea who these people were.  (Just kidding.  Maybe not.)

As we discovered during the Beatles event, once a girl is afflicted with Beatlemania, it never dies.  That passion lives on no matter what the woman's age.  It was this weakness that Steve exploited.  He possessed the uncanny ability to tap into the vulnerable minds of women I assumed had outgrown the madness long ago.  But I was wrong.  Beatle Madness exists.  What else could explain the power that drew all these women to Steve?

Believe it or not, at one point in the trip Steve complained to me he had more women than he could handle.  I believed him.  I had seen him linked with four different women and those were just the ones I knew about. 

"What's your secret, Steve?"

"Rick, it is Beatlemania.  All I have to do is hum the words to a Beatles song and any girl within hearing distance falls in love with me."

I nodded.  After what happened at the Beatlemania event, that must be it.

Touched by genius, midway through the performance Steve persuaded his friend Phyllis to attempt an outrageous feat.  He hypnotized Phyllis so thoroughly that she believed 'John Lennon' was calling to her.  Before anyone could stop her, Phyllis launched herself onstage.  Making a beeline straight to John Lennon, she planted a GIANT SMOOCH on his cheek.  John was so stunned, he never knew what hit him.

Well, we all know what a kiss from an adoring fan will do to a lad.  Taking full advantage of this dazed and confused singer, Phyllis persuaded John to bring her girlfriends up on stage.  That is when complete pandemonium broke loose.  The next thing you know, a mob of SSQQ women were on stage crawling over the performers with unrepentant lust.  What could cause these women to lose control like this?  Were these women drunk?  Perhaps a little.  Were these women prone to impetuous behavior?  Not typically.  But this was the night they lost all semblance of poise.  I place the blame squarely on the shoulders of the Great Gabino, their Machiavellian ringleader. 

There is a classic Eagles song, "Take it Easy". 

Well, I'm a-runnin' down the road tryin' to loosen my load
I've got seven women on my mind
Four that wanna own me, two that wanna stone me
One says she's a friend of mine

That song was probably written to honor Steve.  Beware the man who holds the magic garter.  His power becomes infinite.

Phyllis was Steve's partner in crime.  Perhaps we should have paid better attention when Phyllis showed up for the Beatle performance wearing her favorite 'Center of Attention' tee-shirt.  Phyllis had several eye-catching tee-shirts.  One said, 'It's All About Me'.  Another said 'Teamwork'.  Then there was 'Let's Focus on Me'.  Perhaps these messages were desperate pleas for help.  Who can say?  Phyllis was in a precarious state of mind to begin with.  She was like a thirsty forest helpless to prevent a dangerous spark.  All Steve had to do was hum a Beatles song and snap his fingers.  Presto!  Once Phyllis fell under Steve's spell, she was little better than putty.

A dozen SSQQ Beatle fans attended the Beatlemania performance.   Getting there early, the SSQQ contingent was sitting in the first row of the auditorium.  This put some very dangerous people with extremely limited self-control directly in front of the stage. 

From what I was told, the Imitation Beatles turned out to be very entertaining.  They not only joked and quipped exactly as their counterparts once did, they were skilled musicians.  Their well-done versions of the early Beatle songs added a genuine touch of realism to their performance.

The thing to understand is that the SSQQ miscreants did not typically operate in solo.  Most of their antics involved two or more fellow partners in crime.  Although Phyllis was the undisputed star of this event, she had plenty of help.  Recognizing that these various characters operated as a team, I began to refer to them as "The Usual Suspects".  That included Steve. 

Ever since Steverino caught Marla's garter, he suffered from a daily avalanche of good-natured harassment.  Not a moment passed when Steve was not reminded the man who catches the wedding garter is doomed to be the next guy to be married.  The single ladies took immediate notice and began to apply their guile. 

Assuming the poor boy had been rendered helpless to their charms, at the Beatlemania event Steve was surrounded by more women than he ever imagined possible.  But he did not seem fazed.  What impressed me about Steve was that he never gave the appearance of fear.  The Great Gabino definitely did not hold back at the Beatle performance.  If anything, Steve fanned the flames of his growing fan club with his enthusiasm for the Beatles.  When Steve claimed to be a died in wool Beatles fan, the other men grew suspicious.  What righteous dude would willingly admit to having deep feelings for the Beatles?  However the women believed him.  They bought his fandom hook, line and sinker.  So right there the Great Gabino made himself a far more desirable target.  Does that sound like a shrinking violet to you?

Naturally Phyllis dared Stevie Wonder to prove his fandom.  Steve wasted no time meeting the challenge.  From the start, Steve sang word for word right along with the Beatles.  The women gasped.  Steve is telling the truth!  He knows every word to every song!  Isn't he wonderful?  It their eyes, that made Steve... uh, dare I say it?... 'Sensitive'.  

As Steve crooned "I wanna hold your hand!", the girls swooned and clawed at him.  The guy was a walking talking Babe Magnet.  Knowing the words to Beatles songs was the kind of thing that matters to women.  Once Steve channeled the Beatles' amazing power over women, their hearts went out to him, their affection deepened.  What girl can resist magic like this? 

The next development came when Stefanie, a fellow Beatles admirer, joined in.  It was the Steve and Stefanie Show as they harmonized beautifully in their seats.  Their enthusiasm was so infectious that pretty soon the entire SSQQ band of rowdies joined in the songfest.  Not surprisingly, the general audience caught on.  Thanks to Steve and Stefanie, every single person in the theater began singing along.  The energy was unbelievable.  

As the saying goes, the better the audience, the better the performance.  The Beatles on stage could not help but grin at the antics of the SSQQ crowd up in front.  In particular, "John Lennon" was eating up the attention.  Seeing these nutty girls jump up and down and cover their hearts with such longing, John could not resist winking and waving to the ones nearest him.  The worst part came when John made direct eye contact with Phyllis, his greatest admirer.  Oh no!  John, don't do that!  Poor John, what have you done?   Seriously, John did not know the kind of people he was dealing with. 

This was all done in good fun UNTIL Phyllis caught the fever.  While the others simply enjoyed the show, this unrepentant attention seeker fixated on John.  His willingness to play along had evoked her mischievous streak.  Noting that Phyllis was ripe for plunder, Steve whispered, "Hey, babe, if you like John so much, why don't you go get him?"

Her eyes grew wide.  "Are you serious, Gabino?  Should I run up on stage?"

Steve said, "Yes!  That would be so awesome, Sister Phyl!  Tell you what, I'll give you a dollar if you go up and plant a big wet kiss on John's cheek!"

A whole dollar?  Say no more!  Using stealth, Phyllis inched her way closer to the steps leading up to the stage.  Then she stopped and looked back at her girlfriends with the funniest look on her face.  That is when the ladies caught on.  GET YOUR CAMERAS READY!!   Knowing what was going to happen, the women held their breath and watched intently.  Watching with rising anticipation, the women whispered in unison, "You go, girl!!  Go get him!"

And then it happened!  The moment the song ended, Phyllis rushed up the steps and onto the stage.  She wrapped her arms around 'John Lennon' and planted a big wet one on his cheek.  Everyone gasped!  The smooch was so loud it could be heard all the way to the seats on the second level. 

At first John was shocked out of his mind.  I doubt seriously this had ever happened before.  Where was Security when you need it?  But then the coolest thing happened... John played along!  Over the microphone, he quipped, "Thank you, Luv!  That is the best thing to ever happen to me!"

John was great!  He returned the gesture by kissing Phyllis on her cheek, then invited her to stay.  Completely on board with the fun, John put his arm around Phyllis as he sang Can't Buy Me Love. 

When he finished, John complimented Phyllis. "Blimey, Luv, but coming up here was bloody bold!  Tell me, darlin', are those fetching doves down there as wicked as you?  We could definitely use some cheeky dancing girls!  Do you think they would like to come up here?"

Say no more!  John had just initiated a wild stampede to the stage.  The squeals of delight were breath-taking as the grinning ladies raced to join the fun.  John had just transformed these ladies into the screaming teenagers of their youth.  Smart man that he was, John signaled the band to play Twist and Shout.  Inspired by the rousing song, the girls twisted to their hearts content.  While the audience roared with laughter, the SSQQ Go-Go Girls had the time of their life.  This was way more fun than anyone could have ever imagined.  When the song was over, John addressed the audience. 

"You know, blokes ask me all the time, 'Hey John, how did you ever get into show biz?'  I tell them, well, lads, it's really no mystery.  It's the smashing girls, stupid!  That's why I picked up me guitar in the first place!"

At that, Steve whispered to a friend that the real John Lennon was famous for this line.  Steve added, "He may be an imposter, but this guy is really smooth.  He has John Lennon down cold.  Most men would have freaked out, but he played this stunt for all it is worth!"  From one lady's man to another, a high compliment indeed for John's moxie. 

At John's cue, the band played Happy Just to Dance with You.  First he invited Stefanie to sing along with him, then he nodded at the other ladies to keep up their good work.  At the end of the song, John turned to the dancing girls and smiled.

"It's been a blast and I mean that.  It's really been a blast having all you fine lovebirds to keep me and the lads company.  But you should go now.  I'm going to sing Yesterday and I can't have mushy girls sobbing all over me.  I left me extra outfit at home and I have another performance later."

Phyllis gave John one last kiss, then the ladies returned to their seats.  After Yesterday, the show ended with an enthusiastic standing ovation.  The applause was so great, the band had to ask the cruise director for permission to play two more songs.  John concluded the performance by inviting his band members to come forward.  As they bowed, John said, "You are the best crowd we have ever played for!  Thank you all so much!"

I suspect John really meant it.  After all, the band had never played to a crowd of wacko SSQQ dancers before.  At the end, the Great Gabino handed Phyllis a present.  "Thanks, Sister Phyl, this is the best dollar I ever spent!"
 

THE LEGEND OF MR. HANDSOME

Please note that the phrase "Usual Suspects" makes use of the plural form.  That implies there was more than one suspect.  That is correct.  Steve and Phyllis were not alone in stirring up trouble.  Steve was not the man who began the bizarre SSQQ Hot Tub tradition.  That dubious honor goes to George Sargent, better known as Mr. Handsome. 

Since I am not the hot tub type, I am not completely sure how George became so popular.  But I do have a clue.  It was called "Gatorade".  George and I became friends through many shared dance cruises, but he refused to tell me how he managed to smuggle so much booze on board.  So I will just have to make an educated guess.  Passengers are allowed to bring non-alcoholic beverages on board.  I suspect George spiked his Gatorade ahead of time and brought six extra-large bottles sealed in a box. 

Like Steve Gabino, Mr. Handsome was a ladies man.  While Steve made good use of Beatlemania hypnosis, Mr. Handsome used his Gatorade as a lure.  Candy is dandy, Liquor is Quicker.  Thanks to his generous habit of passing the Gatorade around in the hot tub, George never lacked for enthusiastic female companionship.  Of course his good looks didn't hurt.

George somehow elevated sitting in a hot tub for hours at a time into a 'Can't Miss' activity.  How sitting on your butt slowly cooking in hot water can be defined as an 'Activity' escapes me, but George turned it into an art form. 

George did not limit himself to the hot tub.  Wherever there was mischief, there was George.  During the Mardi Gras Trip, it did not take long for me to realize George had his fingers in every corner of the pie.  My confirmation came when I solicited photos to help write my trip recap.  A half-dozen women sent me a slew of pictures with George posing for the camera.  Were there pictures of other men?  No!  Good grief!  If I did not know better, I would have concluded George was the only man on the trip. 

George and I had what is known as a symbiotic relationship.  In simple terms, I scratch your back, you scratch mine.  Although it was unintentional at first, I learned that the more I wrote about George in the recap of every trip, the more people raved about my Newsletters.  Indeed, George was good for business.  However, I did have one problem.  George swore his women to secrecy.  It worked.  The women were very careful what they said to me about George.  So what did I do?  I wrote at least one shameless lie per trip about him.  Due to his bad reputation, people believed whatever I said.  Here was the weird part.  No matter what goofy things i said about him, George did not seem to mind.  I am serious.  George craved attention so much, he did not care what I wrote about him as long as I wrote about him.  Consequently, George got more pub in the tub than he ever imagined possible.

The key moment in the Legend of Mr. Handsome took place during the 2004 Mardi Gras cruise.  As we recall, a boat collision in the Mississippi River forced the Rhapsody to dock in Gulfport.  This unwelcome detour forced the ship to hire buses to ferry us to Mardi Gras.  At the time, there was a tremendous amount of dissension among the passengers.  Resentful at not being allowed to dock in New Orleans, they made life miserable for the ship's captain. 

The interesting part came when our bus caravan was met at Mardi Gras by a New Orleans TV crew.  These reporters were fishing around for a tell-all story about disgruntled cruisers who were bent out of shape over having their fun ruined.  Out of 2,000 passengers to pick from, George ended up being the one they interviewed.  One in 2,000.  Those are long odds.  However this was not a coincidence.  Nor was it an accident.  George planned it this way.  I know because I watched it happen. 

George had seen the TV crew from the bus window and correctly guessed why they were there.  The moment the doors opened, George did not casually saunter over, he SPRINTED to give an interview.  He walked straight up to a man in charge of screening candidates for the on-camera report.   For five minutes George explained everything that had taken place on board the ship.

Whatever George told the guy, he was convincing.  After passing the screen test, George was whisked over for an audience with a beautiful anchorwoman.  I was told 'no pictures', so I watched instead.  Ohmigod, George was transformed into the second coming of Cary Grant and Hugh Grant!  George was smiling, George was gesticulating, George was emphasizing, George was witty, George was handsome.  In no time at all the newswoman was smitten.  When I saw her laugh out loud at something he said, I knew this interview would be on air that night.  The attraction was so intense, for a moment there she looked ready to give him her phone number.  "Call me when you get to Bourbon Street!"  I shook my head with envy.  George had missed his calling.  This guy had serious star power.   

You want to know something odd?  To this day I am not sure what George did for a living.  Something to do with the stock market maybe.  We did not have those kind of conversations.  How could we?  George was always in the hot tub and I abhor the hot tub.  Although I barely knew George, I sensed the emergence of a minor rivalry.  Don't get me wrong, I loved being married to Marla.  However, now that I was off the market, I detected an immediate drop in popularity.  I had enjoyed my day in the sun, but those days were over.  Now reduced to an afterthought, I accepted my new role as spectator while virile men like George and Steve enjoyed their popularity. 

George sensed I could be of use to him as his press agent.  He wanted to be sure everyone back at the studio read about his exploits.  What was weird, however, was the way he communicated his desire.  He used Marla to send me the message.  As I watched the floats go by during the Mardi Gras parade, I noticed George pull Marla over to a door front.   When I saw George turn on his Interview persona, I felt a small twinge of insecurity seeing my fiancée alone with this notorious snake charmer.  What is going on over there?

When Marla returned, I asked, "Okay, what was that all about?"

"You're not going to believe this, but George is worried that you won't write about him in your cruise recap."

"What?  Why would he worry about something like that?  Are you serious?"

"I am absolutely serious.  George was lobbying to make sure different stories and his best pictures end up in the Trip Recap.  Especially the pictures.  He wants you to add as many photographs as possible."

"Why did George ask you and not me?"

"George doesn't trust you.  He called you an Also-Ran.  George thinks you are bitter because you aren't the "It Guy" anymore.  Expecting sour grapes, he thinks you will withhold publicity about him to enhance your own reputation."

"George did not have to be so blunt, but he is right in a way.  My days as Leader of the Pack for the singles crowd is long gone.  But I have no reason to be resentful."

"Listen, Rick, I don't think George is wired like other people.  Most people go out of their way to avoid having a story written about them.  Not George.  I have never seen another person revel in attention quite like him.  George doesn't just love attention, he thrives on it.  If George sees a camera, it's moth to the flame.  George is the type who will go out his way to be noticed."

Marla had George pegged.  Following the trip's completion, I asked people to contribute their favorite pictures.  It was no surprise when George sent me dozens of pictures of himself.  What does he want, a documentary?  What really surprised me was the discovery that many of the pictures sent by other guests had George in them.  Yes, there were pictures of his roommate Iqbal, some of Marla, maybe even a few of me.  However George was the league leader by a wide margin.  It was like everyone's camera was drawn to him.  That is when I began to shake my head.  How did George end up in virtually every picture?  So I asked around.  To a person, everyone said George begged them to take his picture whenever their paths crossed.  Seriously, there would never be another George.  He was one of a kind.

Marla had promised George that he would be included in the Trip Recap.  However, I had not yet decided what to say.  The story was still being written in my mind when George added fuel to the fire.  His team beat mine at beach volleyball in Cozumel.  That was unacceptable.  It's one thing to get all the girls and get all the smiles, but Volleyball was supposed to be my game, not his.  The nerve!  I was ready to be a good sport about it until George went too far.  George knew I was frustrated to lose the game, so he went behind my back to speak to Marla again.  He wanted Marla to make sure I would add the story of his team's victory in the next Newsletter plus photos. 

After speaking to George, Marla pulled me aside. 

"Rick, I know how important volleyball is to you.  But you cannot let your wounded pride prevent you from being impartial.  Will you promise to include volleyball in the trip writeup??"

Listening to Marla rubbed me the wrong way.  I could not believe George had the nerve to work the ref!  There's an old saying, be careful what you ask for.  George would get his story, but maybe not quite the way he hoped for.  I decided to lampoon his obvious vanity.  I mean, look at the guy, he's so beautiful, he's so popular.  Not just that, George dominated every activity during the trip.  Okay, George will definitely be in my cruise recap, but he will pay a price.  It was effortless.  After all, I had a lot to work with.

WASTING AWAY IN MARGARITAVILLE

Steve and George typically operated in different circles during the Wedding Cruise.  However, they both gravitated to the Hot Tub.

As Gabino and Handsome fought for hot tub supremacy, they misbehaved in equal proportions.  On one side was Mr. Handsome with his Gatorade, on the other side was Gabino singing the Beatles.  So, who corrupted who?  It was a draw.  With two megastar Bad Boys working the crowd, rumors of mischief reminiscent of Roman Orgies emerged from the Hot Tub arena.  Toe sucking, fondling, smooching, raucous noise, rampant hilarity.

Why were there so many pictures?  Steve and George took turns begging Phyllis to take photos.  Phyllis was happy to oblige.

THE 2004 WEDDING CRUISE

THE LEGEND OF THE GREAT GABINO

Steve Gabino was on fire.  For his next act, Steve set up shop at the local Hot Tub.  "Hey, girls, here I am!  Come and get me!"

You think I'm kidding, don't you?  Guess again, sports fans.  Steve made quite a name for himself on this trip.  All day long women lined up to be photographed with Steve.   Who knows how many different women ended up pictured in his arms?  There were too many to count.  It helps to be handsome and Latin, but in Steve's case, all he had to do was hum "Love, Love me do, you know I Love you!"

Back at the studio I had always thought of Steve as a warm, easy-going, down-to-earth kind of guy.  But out at sea, he was transformed into a Lady's Man.  Rather than paint Steve as a Lothario, I prefer to think of him as a good-hearted rogue.  Let's put this another way.  No woman ever complained to me about Steve.  Depending on the time of day, some women were seen deeper in his arms than others. 

Steve was part of all sorts of eyebrow-raising pictures.  In fact, there was one picture where I actually stopped and said to myself, "Please tell me Steve isn't really doing what I think he's doing."  It had something to do with toes.

There is a famous game called "Where's Waldo?"  That sounds like fun, so let's play "Where's Steve?"  In each picture, see if you can find Steve.  He's buried in there somewhere.  While you're at it, look for George too.  Tweedledum and Tweedledee.  

As one can see, the SSQQ Hot Tub was a wildly popular event, emphasis on 'Wild'.  The Hot Tub was not crowded on Day One, but word of mouth spread so quickly that the Hot Tub became the place to be during sunlight.  Pretty soon the hot tub was so crowded there was barely any water left.  That is when Phyllis had a great idea.  Let's set a record for hot tub stuffing!  That night at dinner Phyllis went from table to table asking for volunteers.

Believe it or not, Marla said she would join.  I agreed to participate as well, mostly just to see what all the fuss was about.  Afterwards Phyllis told me to get lost.  Marla was welcome, but not me.  Phyllis said my presence "suppressed" the number of people willing to participate.  Since people felt the need to behave lest I write about them in the Trip Recap, the hot tub was not as much fun.

Gee, thanks a lot.  But Phyllis was probably right.  We hit 21 on the day Marla and I joined.  The numbers hit 23 the next day.  The hot tub got so crowded, they had to go vertical.  Phyllis was desperate to set a record, so she turned aggressive.  Fat people were not welcome and slender women were expected to pile on top of everyone else.  Although Phyllis irritated a lot of people in the process, she got her wish.  On the final day the total hit 25.

THE 2004 WEDDING CRUISE

CHAMPAGNE NIGHT

As background to this story, as more people signed up for Marla's trip, one day our total reached 90 on its way to 125.  Marla's Royal Caribbean Specialist announced this qualified her for the next 'group perk'.  Given a choice of converting the perk into commission or giving it away in the form of a gift, Marla chose to have a Champagne bottle sent to each cabin. 

Since this had never happened before, the surprised guests had no idea what the bottle was doing there.  No one had asked for this gift, so why was it here?  Was it going to appear on their bill if they opened it?  Our guests soon learned the Champagne was a reward given to them by Marla.  As it turned out, Marla's act of kindness would lead to one of the all-time SSQQ Love Boat traditions:  Champagne Night.

The guests acknowledged Marla's champagne gesture with hugs aplenty.  However, as the week progressed, there was one very peculiar problem.  No one had opened their bottles!  Since no one would dream of complaining to her, Marla had no idea her champagne was going to waste.

We all know what happens when you put highly creative people together.  For example, the atom bomb was a collaborative effort.  The result was explosive.  The same can be said for Champagne Night.  This event was born of the unique pairing of our two Bad Boys in conjunction with Mara, a key player in her own right.  Great minds think alike, correct? 

One night Steve and George were sweet-talking this lovely lady.  Rogues that they were, the two men took turns casually mentioning the unopened bottle of champagne in their room.  Mara was too sly to fall for that one.  Mara laughed and replied, "What are you waiting for?  Open it up and drink it!"

George tried to explain this was a more delicate situation than Mara realized. Symbolically, Champagne is meant for a special occasion shared by two people who care for one another.  Typically, it helps people become affectionate and grow closer. 

Mara decided to play dumb.  "So I've heard.  But what is the problem?  Don't you guys like each other?"

"As a rule," Steve chimed in, "men who are roommates prefer not to encourage warm feelings.  The last thing they want is to get their roommate drunk and see what happens next.   That is why our bottles sit unopened." 

Mara giggled.  "My, my, such a terrible waste!!  Champagne is meant to be shared and make people happy!" 

"Gosh, Mara, we agree," George said.  "We thought maybe you would like to join us.  We like you a lot.  We want to share our bottles with you.  I can get my bottle and Steve can get his and we will get to know each other better."

Mara laughed again.  "Sorry, boys, but I prefer to drink in even numbers... one boy, one girl.  Now maybe if you men can find another single lady, I would consider joining you."

The men frowned.  It was late.  The hot tub was empty, the dance floor was deserted.  They couldn't think of anyone off the top of their head.  Besides, their heart was set on Mara.  That was the moment Mara realized the problem was not limited to George and Steve.  

"You want to know something?  It just occurred to me that my own bottle is sitting unopened in my cabin for exactly the same reason.  I have not chosen someone to share it with.  If I have not opened my bottle and you have not opened your bottles, that makes three perfectly wonderful bottles accomplishing nothing.  I bet there is a good chance there are other unopened bottles as well."

The next day, Mara made the rounds at lunch time.  She went from table to table doing Champagne Bottle research.  Sure enough, her hunch was correct.  70% of the cabins had an unopened bottle of champagne.  So Mara had a suggestion.  Why not have everyone pool their bottles at a 6 pm bash on Formal Night before our group picture at 7 pm?  Everyone grinned.  What a great idea!  Let's hear it for the clever girl!!  Champagne Night was born.

Gary Richardson was kind enough to take countless pictures on this trip.  Although people are notoriously bad about smiling for pictures, Gary said the champagne solved that problem.  Nor did he have trouble getting people to participate.  All he had to do was point at Steve and 20 women responded. 
 

Another thing Gary found interesting was a phenomenon he referred to as "The Glow".

These portraits serve as case study on the effects of alcohol on beautiful women. 

Both woman are strikingly attractive in their red dresses and black hair.  Both also appear to be under the influence.  See if you can tell which Lady in Red has consumed the larger intake of champagne. 

In particular, note the rosy cheeks on Gina Lollobridgida.  Definitely a Royal Flush. 

THE 2004 WEDDING CRUISE

THE USUAL SUSPECTS GO BAR HOPPING

Key West is where Harry Truman had his vacation home.

Key West is where Ernest Hemingway got drunk every night.

Key West is the southernmost point of the U.S.

Key West has more stray cats than any place I have ever been.

Key West has more winos and derelicts than any place I have ever been.

Key West was the inspiration for Jimmy Buffet's "Margaritaville". 

Impressed by the city's terrible reputation, the Usual Suspects decided to go slumming.  Unfortunately there were too many of us, so we split into two groups.  One group headed for Captain Tony's, legendary as Hemingway's favorite watering hole.  The other group headed to Sloppy Joe's.

Sloppy Joe's had the biggest and brightest sign.  As we walked in, we discovered Sloppy Joe's also claimed to be the Official Bar of Ernest Hemingway.  That was a big selling point to stay here for a while.  Taking a cue from Earnest, patron saint of bar hopping, the Usual Suspects began drinking themselves Sloppy.  We heard that is what people do when they go slumming.  And what was the house drink?  Zombies!  Seriously?

This actually made sense.  This town was full of zombies!  Everywhere I looked there were people who resembled extras from Walking Dead and Night of the Living Dead.  Why so many?  The climate is so balmy in Key West that bums, deadbeats and homeless people can sleep under a palm tree year-round.  Legend has it that Jimmy Buffet fit right in for a while there.  Thus the inspiration. 

Sloppy Joe's had a live band that played some serious blues music.  Oh boy!  A chance to dance.  Unfortunately, there wasn't much of a dance floor.  No problem.  The Suspects pushed the tables out of the way and danced on the linoleum floor.  Where there's a will, there's a way. 

Immediately Steve and Maureen began to Whip.  Not to be outdone, George and Phyllis got out there too.  Meanwhile the other Suspects checked out the various pictures of Ernest Hemingway which lined the wall.  Hemingway was a brooding, brawling, balling and boozing bear who called Key West home back in the Thirties.  His memory lives on at Sloppy Joe's.

The night was young and there were more bars to visit, so the Suspects headed out back into the night.  Unfortunately, we were about to discover the wicked Zombie potion had infected us with a form of mass mental illness. 

When we entered Captain Tony's, a bar down the street, we were pretty wasted.  Barely able to stand up, we each found a seat and ordered another round.  We must have sat there for 15 minutes when suddenly Phyllis pointed at the ceiling. 

What we saw above was so stupefying that we thought we had lost our minds.  Stunned by what seemed like some sort of mass delusion, everyone's mouth dropped open in astonishment. 

You think I'm kidding, don't you?  Nope.  We were shocked.  What we saw was so strange everyone was convinced we were seeing things. 

Hanging from the ceiling were roughly a thousand abandoned bras.  Jeff Plaster could not believe his eyes, so he got up on a chair to see if these bras were real or fake.  He was so happy to see they were real he rubbed his face in them.  Jeff was Plastered.  So were the rest of us.

Deeply shaken, on the spot several of us decided to stop drinking.  Marla and I gave our drinks to someone else and began staggering back to the ship. 

The next day the Usual Suspects didn't know what hit them. They all complained they couldn't remember a thing from last night.  It was like they had lost their minds.  Phyllis was the worst.  All day long, she wandered around saying, "I could have sworn I saw a million bras falling from the sky!"

Key West had that kind of effect on people.
 

 

THE 2004 WEDDING CRUISE

MR. HANDSOME STRUTS HIS STUFF

Our final story about the Usual Suspects involves a curious event known as "The Quest".  Advertised as a Scavenger Hunt, at the halfway point the Quest suddenly evolved into a preposterous drag show.   Did we know this ahead of time?  Marla and I had seen it on the Mardi Gras cruise, but we were the only ones.  The rest of our group had no idea.  The crowd of 200 was divided into teams.  First the girls asked Gabino to represent SSQQ, but he choose to sit this one out.  This was not cool enough for him.  So the girls turned to George.  Mr. Handsome did not hesitate.   "Count me in!"

So did George know what he was getting himself into?  No.  George and the rest of our group thought the game was on the level.  They were determined to win.  Marla and I winked at each other.  This should be interesting.

Things started innocently enough.  Find a picture of George Washington.  People pulled out a dollar bill.  Find a sock with a hole.  Find a comb.  Find a toothbrush.  

Then they turned to articles of clothing.  Mara and Alyssa took turns dressing George.  Alyssa donated her purse and lipstick.  Mara donated clip-on earrings.

The men did not mind carrying a bra out onto the floor.  They did this without reservation.  But it was a different story when they were told to put the bra on.  Well aware how ridiculous they would look, the men did not want to do this.  So why did they give in?  Pavlov would have been proud of the Emcee's use of a rapid-fire stimulus-response technique. 

Ring the bell, bring the bra.  Ring the bell, put on the bra.  Points depended on getting out there before the other team.  The tendency to do whatever they were told as fast as possible plus intense peer pressure overcame their reluctance.    

We all looked at George.  He shrugged.  Hey, not a problem.  So a woman named Becky began to strip.  However, her bra was too big!  George complained it did not fit right.  So a different woman offered her bra instead.  Go, Team, Go!

Did we win?  Of course!  Without a doubt, George looked better in his bra than his competitors.  He remembered to smile, buckle his belt and suck in his tummy.  The earrings were a nice touch.

Noticing George looked like a born runway model out there, I applauded.  Mr. Handsome would do anything for attention!  And I mean Anything.

THE 2004 WEDDING CRUISE

THE USUAL SUSPECTS REVISITED

So perhaps the Reader is curious why I have included the story of the Usual Suspects in a book about Fate.  Let me answer that with a question.  Have you ever heard a stranger set of stories in your life?  The Oops Wedding, the Garter story, Beatlemania, Hot Tub Stuffing.  The Legend of Great Gabino.  The Legend of Mr. Handsome.  The Quest and Champagne Night.  And let's not forget Key West and the Big Band dancing at the Captain's Reception. 

There were two main developments from this trip.  Due to the antics of Steve and George plus the photography of Gary Richardson and Phyllis, my stories created a sensation at the studio when the trip was over.  No one could believe the stories were true, but at the same time those photographs were tough to deny.  These unusual events created so much momentum, Marla's career as a travel advisor was off to a fabulous start. 

What was the other development?  Oh my God, I could not rid of these people!!  (just teasing)  The Usual Suspects had so much fun, they returned for Marla's annual dance cruise every year all the way to 2018.  Each trip featured the same thing: Champagne Night, Captain's Reception, Margarita bar-hopping in Cozumel, Hot Tub stuffing, non-stop dancing.  It never got old.  The best part was the universal affection.  People on the Wedding Cruise developed bonds so deep that they could hardly wait for the next trip.  Throughout the year Marla's annual Dance Cruise was talked about with the same reverence as the legendary SSQQ Halloween Party. 

I cannot tell you how many times I would watch these crazy personalities in action and think of Cheers Bar.  'Cheers' was special thanks to a group of off-beat, deeply flawed characters who managed to possess good hearts in spite of their shortcomings.  What made the show brilliant was watching how these nutcases playfully interacted with one another. 

I think a case can be made that our Wedding Cruise sounds like an episode of Cheers at sea.  Except for one thing.  Cheers was fiction while the Wedding Cruise took place EXACTLY as written.

So what does this have to do with Fate?  The Wedding Cruise was successful because everyone was at the top of their game.  Using a sports metaphor, it was a career year for everyone on the team.  The way my oddball friends complemented each other defies the imagination.  So many things clicked, one might say the Wedding Cruise had the Wheel of Fortune spinning its way. 

Of course Marla's talent and my gift for blarney were important.  Equally important were the Usual Suspects.  They literally took ownership of this cruise.  This was 'their cruise'.  They intended to do whatever it took to ensure Marla would offer this trip again.

Throughout this book, I have attempted to show how I came to believe in Destiny.  I am convinced that the flurry of lucky breaks that helped me overcome a slow start in my dance career were no accident.  I can say the same for Marla.  Her talent for organizing group cruise trips was undeniable, but it was the insane publicity generated by the fun these people created on our Wedding Cruise that took things to the next level.  As people at the dance studio looked at pictures of their friends having outrageous fun together, all they could think about was going on this same trip next year.  We have the Usual Suspects to thank for creating the SSQQ Love Boat Era.