MONDAY, OCTOBER 1, 1979 INTO MY LIVING ROOM

Victoria chose the couch.  This was the same couch where I made love to Jennifer for the first time one month ago.  The irony was sheer murder.  I was in a state of shock over this swift turn of events.  Maybe I would have been better off never meeting Jennifer.  Falling in love with Jennifer had made me vulnerable.  Were it not for her rash decision to go see Jeff, I would have never abandoned my sensible Appeasement Strategy.  It was Jennifer's fault that I was betting with scared money in the first place.  Under any other circumstance, I would never have opened the door for Victoria.  I shook my head in disgust.  How could I have made this mistake?

I had to hand it to Victoria.  Coming to my house was a master stroke.  I still could not believe Victoria had used my own words against me to gain entry.  But it was too late to take my words back.  I was certain that Victoria had just thrown her marriage away.  A crazy mistake, but too late to turn back now.  If Victoria was hell-bent on going through with this self-destructive act, I had no choice but go along with her.  Right now I needed to calm down.  I had a hunch I was facing the most difficult decision of my entire life. 

I watch in horror as my two dogs Emily and Sissy jumped on the couch to comfort a crying Victoria.  Traitors!  I winced as they offered aid and comfort to the enemy.  Sure enough, flanked by a welcoming dog on both sides, Victoria seemed grateful as she petted them.  Good grief, my stupid dogs were making Victoria feel right at home.  Bite her, damn it!  Make her leave!

With a deep sigh, I said, "This has been a long day for you.  Why don't you rest a moment, Victoria?  Would you like a coke?"

Victoria smiled wanly and nodded yes.  Leaving to fetch a coca-cola for her and a beer for me, I took my sweet time and used it to contemplate the fix I was in.  It wasn't supposed to happen this way.  In Casablanca, Rick Blaine's noble gesture convinced Ilsa to do the right thing.  So why didn't it work for me? 

Sure, I knew I was taking a risk when I wrote that Ultimatum, but it was a Calculated Risk.  For the past three months, Victoria whistled Dixie whenever she talked about moving in with me.  Not once had she shown the slightest inclination to budge from her sanctuary. 

Since I strongly doubted she was serious, I had assumed I could use my dangerous 'Move-In' invitation with impunity.  Writing this Ultimatum had seemed like the best chance to save my relationship with Jennifer while placating Victoria enough to persuade her not to go Scorched Earth.  I had known I was using words that could potentially come back to haunt me, but it was worth the risk.  I seriously doubted she would accept the offer. 

The sad thing is that my Ultimatum had come within a whisker of succeeding!!  Victoria had been on the ropes this morning.  Beleaguered and forlorn, I was certain she was a goner.  It was my own fault that I gave her a ray of hope with my parting gesture.

"Victoria, the moment you decide you are willing to become my life partner... and convince me that my goals are goals which you can willingly embrace... that is when I will give up any other sexual, romantic relationships I now have.  I will give 100% to making OUR relationship work.  No one else.  Just you and I, doing the best we can to share our lives together."

What on earth had caused me to say that?  I was so sure Medusa was dead that I had unwittingly given her a binding promise.  How could I have ever guessed a security-advocate like Victoria would take the greatest chance of her life?  Never in my wildest dreams did I anticipate Victoria would leave her stronghold!   So I took a chance and it backfired.  Now what?  Let's see if I can limit the damage.  Victoria could not seem to stop crying.  Just then Emily, my border collie, stuck her wet nose into Victoria's hand to cheer her up.  The gesture had the opposite effect.  Victoria completely fell apart.  Her tears flowed fast and furious.  No, this was not an act.  Victoria was in a lot of pain.  From my chair, I watched in silent horror.  I was consumed with anger and frustration towards Jennifer for getting me into this mess.  I would have never confronted Victoria if Jennifer had not run to Jeff.  Then Jennifer made it worse.  Victoria would not be in my living room if Jennifer had given me clear direction on the phone tonight.  What the hell was wrong with Jennifer? 

Too late now.  Victoria was here and I had to deal with her.  Victoria had gotten past my first line of defense, but all was not lost.  Maybe I could still talk some sense into her.  When Victoria finally quieted down, I spoke up. 

"Why are you here?  What do you want?"

"I have obsessed over Madame X all day long.  The more I thought about Madame X, the more I realized I cannot bear to lose you.  I have juggled you and Michael as long as I could while I looked for the right direction.  But the prospect of losing you to Madame X was too painful to bear.  Something in your eyes today told me you are very serious about this woman.  That is when I realized tonight was my last chance to hold on to you."

She saw it in my eyes, eh?  Remind me to wear sunglasses next time I break up with a woman.  Well, Victoria was right.  The threat of Jennifer was just as serious as Victoria believed.  Victoria must have read my mind because she said something curious.

"I know you are important to this woman, but you belonged to me first.  I would not be able to live with myself knowing I gave up the best chance of ever finding my soul mate."

So now I'm her soul mate?  Why am I just now hearing this?  Victoria looked me in the eye and reiterated Michael knew she was moving in with me.  She swore that Michael had not argued.  With an air of resignation, he had said, "Go for it."

I was incredulous.  According to Victoria, Michael had given his blessings.  This was far more serious than I thought.  But was Victoria telling the truth??  My gut said yes.  No doubt Michael saw her walk out the door with a suitcase at 9 pm.  As dramatic gestures go, that was unmistakable.  Victoria added Michael had seemed relieved.  Michael had been going through misery for a year.  I suppose he wanted this to end just as much as I did.  Now that Victoria was my problem, he may actually have felt a sense of relief.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 1, 1979 FORCED TO CHOOSE

Victoria or Jennifer??   Who should it be? 

Ordinarily I would have said Jennifer.  Of course it was Jennifer.  But right now I had a strong hunch Jennifer had abandoned me.

I was stunned by the courage of Victoria's daring move.  Was it actually possible that Victoria loved me as much as she claimed?  My cynical side said she was playing me for a fool with her love game.  Victoria had kept me on a yo-yo so long I did not know what to believe. 

This sad, miserable creature sitting across from me was the most desperate woman I had ever seen.  Well aware that this was no act, I felt considerable pity.  This was her Leap of Faith.  Considering all Victoria stood to lose, I was stunned by her grand gesture.  This was a woman who had no idea if I would be there to catch her, but she jumped anyway. 

I was amazed.  Absolutely, utterly amazed.  I never dreamed Victoria would do this.   Although I still could not comprehend what had caused this kind of madness, I was totally blown away by the fact that Victoria had sacrificed her marriage to come here tonight.  

Here she was in my home with her husband completely aware of her decision.  Or so she said.  Victoria had played tricks before, so I was reluctant to let my guard down. 

I did not love Victoria.  But I had been very fond of her back in her Sunshine days.  Was it possible I could ever love her given the chaos she had caused over the past year?  

Neither of us said much for a while.  Victoria was in shock.  Me too.  I was mired in mind-numbing disbelief over this bizarre turn of events.  In a very odd way, this reminded me of the dance contest I entered with Patricia last June.  Just when I thought winning the contest together would give us another chance of making our relationship work, all hope had been snatched away by a bizarre dance accident.

Tonight, mere moments before a visit to my dream girl's apartment, Victoria had reached out to catch me by the ankle.  I was tackled with Jennifer so close I swear I had tasted Freedom 'between my two lips'.  Full of regret, I recalled the Arabic saying about God's Will.  First Patricia, now Jennifer. With that thought, I was overcome by a powerful sense of Fatalism.  This was a Fated Event.  It had to be.

It had been incredibly stupid to answer Victoria's phone call at the studio.  What made me think it was Jennifer?  Answering the phone might be the dumbest mistake I ever made.  But maybe it wasn't too late.  With Victoria paralyzed on my couch, oh how I yearned to talk to Jennifer.  I wanted to call her so much I was dizzy.  If I believed Jennifer loved me, I would stand up to Victoria.  But thanks to Jennifer's cryptic words... "Go to Victoria, she needs you!"... I had been left completely in the dark as to where she stood.  My freedom had been just seconds away, but, no, Rick just had to answer the phone because he thought Jennifer was reaching out. 

Oh my god, what is wrong with me?   Given Victoria's penchant for unpredictability, I should have known better than to answer the phone at the dance studio.  Had I simply driven to Jennifer's apartment like I planned, this drama would have never unfolded.  Ignore the call and I would be in Jennifer's arms right now.  I beat myself up pretty badly over this mistake.  I could forgive myself for handing Victoria the Ultimatum note this morning.  That was a calculated risk I had taken to minimize the chance of a reappearance from the Snarling Tiger Woman.  However, the decision to accept the phone call was an unforgiveable mistake.  Even dumber was agreeing to see Victoria at my home.  What a stupid time to be noble!!  Whatever Victoria had to say should have been put off till the light of day.  

Between sniffles and sobs, Victoria attempted to speak. 

"You had me convinced that you were leaving me for good when you walked out the door at the coffee shop.  I could not bear the thought of losing you.  I knew tonight you would be going to that other woman.  I was not willing to spend the rest of my life wondering about you, the man I had in my grasp but allowed to get away."

With that, Victoria's emotions overwhelmed her.  Suddenly she was crying too hard to speak.  As she sat on my couch sobbing, she clung furiously to my dog.  Meanwhile I stared at that goddamn suitcase.  I was stunned by thought that Victoria felt she had the right to move in with me.  I did not want live with her.  Right now I did not want her anywhere near me.  The thought made me sick. 

But I was trapped.  By my own words, no less.  What should I do?  Which woman should I pick?

Realizing I was thinking things over, Victoria sat there helplessly while she stroked Emily for comfort.  Avoiding my gaze, she indicated it was up to me to decide her fate.  That impressed me.  By throwing herself at my mercy, Victoria had relinquished control.  This gesture worked strongly in her favor.  Any attempt to further bully me would have doomed her chances.  Instead she gambled that I was as decent as I claimed to be.  At this point I opened up an inner dialogue.  I did not want Victoria here, except to my surprise I realized one corner of my mind was persuaded to let her stay.  I was suddenly unsure of myself.  What the hell is wrong with me!!?!!?  Most of my heart was screaming like mad to kick this woman out and run to Jennifer.  However, there was a small part that wanted to reward Victoria's brave Leap of Faith.  This new thought was gaining momentum. 

Which Victoria was sitting across from me?  Was it Sunshine Victoria, the gifted woman who skyrocketed my career and served as the object of countless forbidden thoughts?  Or was it Medusa, the monster who had made my Year of Living Dangerously a prolonged nightmare?  Ordinarily I would have chosen Jennifer in a heartbeat, but her cowardly decision to visit the previously undisclosed fiancé this past weekend had muddied the waters considerably.  Furthermore, Jennifer's refusal to share the outcome of her weekend had left me totally in the dark.  Is it possible for the Sound of Silence to speak volumes?

There was one overriding factor to consider... the Blackmail Threat.  Having let Victoria through the door, I had virtually guaranteed Victoria would ruin my dance career if I chose Jennifer over her.  To push her out the door now would undoubtedly trigger the Blackmail Threat.  It was in Victoria's nature to be vindictive.  After all, the woman had just left her husband.  Furthermore, pushing Victoria out the door might mean nothing to Jennifer.  I might very well find out Jennifer was serious about her old boyfriend.  To me, it was crystal clear that if I spurned Victoria, I could be left with nothing... no Jennifer, no Victoria, no reputation, no career.  That thought led to my first decision.  Well aware I would lose the studio if Victoria decided to punish me over broken promises, I felt obligated to let her stay.  To me, this was the only way I could protect the dance program.  This was a business decision.  Now I had to make a romantic decision.

I did not love Victoria.  Unwilling to trust her, I kept my heart locked as far away as I possibly could.  Even after this grandstand gesture of knocking on my door, I remained deeply cynical.  But maybe I was wrong.  Was there any chance Sunshine Victoria could return?  If Victoria could resume being a decent human being, there was no other woman on earth who possessed her special kind of talent.  Nevertheless, I shook my head in doubt.  Sunshine Victoria was gone.  Ever since Victoria blew up at Joanne at the Pistachio Christmas Party nine months ago, I knew there was something wrong with her.  In the days since, I saw no reason to change my mind. 

Under ordinary circumstances, I would never have chosen Victoria, not with 'DANGER' written all over her.  If I chose her, I assumed I would be putting my fate into the unpredictable hands of Maniac Medusa.   Even scarier, would I be stuck with the sad, sniveling, whining shadow of Victoria's former self?  As I sorted through the woman's handful of schizophrenic identities, which of Victoria's many sides would I get in the bargain?  Probably all of them except the Sunshine. 

Jennifer was by far the safer choice.  Or was she?  At this moment I realized I didn't trust her any more than I did Victoria. 

Jennifer had not called Friday evening.
Jennifer had not called on Saturday.
Jennifer had not called on Sunday.
Jennifer had not called on Monday. 
When I called Jennifer from the studio, she had refused to tell me where I stood over the phone .  

Jennifer had to know I was worried out of my mind.  So why didn't she call to reassure me?  Jennifer's communication blackout was the dominant thought in my mind.  Her evasiveness appeared to signal her intention to marry Jeff, her occasional fiancé.  Perhaps they had set a wedding date.  Somehow I doubted it, but it was a real possibility.  I wished again I could call Jennifer, but it was out of the question.  It was driving me crazy that I had to choose without knowing where Jennifer stood.

Victoria was broken.  I mean it, this woman was broken.  Victoria had no strength left.  I stared long and hard at the lost soul sitting across from me.  Victoria was in shock.  As well she should be!  No woman in her right mind could cast away a decent man like Michael and not be affected.  Her marriage was almost certainly over and she still had no idea how I would treat her.  Considering I was dealing with Victoria's Whining, Sniveling, Indecisive personality, she was at my mercy.  I think she would have left if I told her to.  She had finally realized it was useless to bully me into loving her.  My love would be meaningless unless she gave me the space to make up my own mind.  At this moment, something odd happened.  To my surprise, Victoria rallied.  Sensing my difficulty deciding her Fate, Victoria correctly guessed that she had an outside chance.  With a weak smile, Victoria pled her case. 

"Rick, I want you to hear me out.  I am not here to talk about marriage.  I am too uncertain to go there right now.  I am talking about what could happen if best friends become lovers and allow things to develop.  I cannot live the rest of my life in peace without taking this chance.  I have to know what will happen if we open ourselves up to loving each other.  I know I have no right to expect you to love me after some of the things I've said and done.  However I believe we can grow past our distrust if we truly commit.  All I ask is that you recognize we have the chance to be very special together."

I looked at Victoria in surprise.  Her words touched me deeply.  This was Sunshine Victoria speaking.  This was the woman I had once come close to falling in love with.  Where had this side been hiding for all these months?  Say what you will about her dark side, but if Victoria could ever regain her confidence, she was quite a catch.  Was there some way she could regain her charisma and return to her Sunshine personality?  Was that even possible??  Or was she permanently damaged?  It occurred to me that I was actually curious to find out if Victoria and I could rekindle the spark which had burned so brightly back in in the beginning.  Could this work?  This was a possibility that should not be readily discarded.   Yes, right now Victoria was only a shell of her former self.  But if Sunshine Victoria could be resurrected, no woman on earth could match Victoria.  However, that was a big 'If'.  Red flags abounded.

A key thought crossed my mind...'Courage'.  Both women were faced with losing me.  One woman had thrown away her marriage to pursue me while the other woman had resurrected a stale stand-by she had previously rejected.  Under pressure, Victoria stepped up while Jennifer retreated to the shadows.  That point weighed heavily in Victoria's favor.  There was one more important factor, the one that ultimately made the difference.  It all boiled down to one word, 'Honor'.  Earlier today I had promised Victoria I would be there for her if she ever committed to me.  Was I good for my word?  Did I have honor?  Mind you, at the coffee shop this morning I was merely trying to help Victoria save face. 

"The moment you decide... to become my life partner... I will give up any other sexual, romantic relationships."

I did not mean what I said at the time.  Nevertheless, those were my words.  Now I found myself trapped by my own words.  Back in July, Victoria's father had savagely put me down.

"This man does not love you.  He will never marry you.  Disco will be gone tomorrow, Dancing is a fad, and you are being used by a Playboy."  

Victoria knew I bristled with resentment every time she repeated those words.  I had claimed many times that I was a loyal, standup guy.  Not only that, Victoria had my promise in writing.  Was I good for my word or not?  In that instant, I decided to stand by my word.  Jennifer was out of luck.  For me to send Victoria packing would be wrong.  It wasn't like I was promising to marry her.  I would simply let her spend the night and tomorrow would be another day.  My decision would no doubt cost me Jennifer, but maybe that is what my runaway lover wanted.  Jennifer had left me hanging.  She had no one to blame but herself.

I had known Victoria for a year.  Despite countless reasons to back off, Victoria never stopped her inexorable quest to claim me.  Maybe Love doesn't have to make sense.  Knowing full well the price Victoria would have to pay for leaving Michael, this woman had just taken the biggest gamble of her life.  That had to count for something.  I was impressed. 

After resisting Victoria for an entire year, through some sort of Cosmic Judo, tonight I had been compelled to open my door against my will.  At the start, all I could think about was Jennifer.  However, to my surprise, after I heard Victoria's speech, something flipped in my mind.  Jennifer had abandoned me to go visit her ex-fiancé.  That was impossible to overlook.  With Victoria in my living room and Jennifer nowhere to be seen, the choice was clear.  Victoria deserved her chance.  So, after all we had been through, I finally gave in. 

I still had a hard time trusting Victoria, but she had definitely touched me with her heartfelt speech.  And so, despite my terrible sense of foreboding, I went over to Victoria on the couch.  Pushing my dog Emily aside, I put my arm around Victoria and gave her a hug.  Victoria said nothing as she rested her head against my shoulder and resumed sobbing.  To be honest, having Victoria in my arms was no thrill.  I was tormented by a huge feeling of resignation.  I felt manipulated.  Not necessarily by Victoria, but by Jennifer as well.  Or maybe by Fate.  In fact, when it came right down to it, I definitely felt that something very weird was going on here.  How was this moment even possible?  After successfully resisting Victoria for over a year, she had gotten her way by using my insincerity against me.  I was still having a hard time believing the preposterous chain of events that had left me feeling cornered. 

After ten minutes on the couch, Victoria stopped weeping.  She stood up and gave me a look of resolve best described as 'I came here for a reason, so let's get this over with'.  She took my hand and led me silently to the bedroom.  Without discussion, Victoria took off her clothes and crawled into bed.  Looking at me expectantly, I got the message. 

"Are you sure you want to do this, Victoria?"

Victoria nodded.  "Yes.  I want to do this before I change my mind."

"Michael knows you are here, correct?  He isn't off on some business trip, is he?"

Victoria replied, "Michael knows I'm here." 

I could tell she was very anxious.  Struck by her obvious lack of enthusiasm, I was very reluctant to participate.  So I quickly debated the issue.  Victoria swore she had left her husband for me.  Since she made it clear we were living together, I assumed that having sex with her was inevitable.  This was going to happen sooner or later, so if Victoria wants to do this now, what difference does it make? 

I undressed and crawled into bed.  Victoria had been hell bent on betraying her marital vows, but as the crucial moment approached, her expression changed to fear.  Despite her misgivings, Victoria willed me to join her.  Huge mistake.  I knew it the moment her body went rigid at my touch.  We should have quit right there, but she gritted her teeth and ordered me to continue.  What an ordeal.  Trust me, I've had more fun at funerals.  And so I participated in what had to be the most joyless sex I have ever engaged in.  Haunted by a distinctive feel of 'let's get it over with', three minutes is all it took.  As far as I was concerned, this life-altering moment was beyond pathetic. 

The moment we completed our tragic act, Victoria exploded into a torrent of tears.  When I heard her moan "I should never have done this", I lost my temper. 

Feeling like a helpless pawn for giving into her demand, I screamed, "Damn it, Victoria, so now you feel guilty?  Why the hell didn't you think about that before you insisted we go through with this?"

Victoria did not reply.  She was crying so hard I had to go to the bathroom and get her a towel.  Not the most propitious omen to celebrate our thrilling new living arrangement.  Neither of us slept a wink and neither of us said a word.  However, Victoria was far from silent.  "What have I done?  What have I done?"  This went on all night long.