"Marla, I promise you I was not flirting.  You saw what you saw because your perceptions were colored by Jane's deceit.  Besides, you evened the score.  I flipped out when I saw you flirting with Darren at dinner.  That made me miserable." 

Marla's face switched from Ashley outrage to concern for me.  Marla seemed surprised by my admission. 

"I was not flirting with Darren.  I was putting on an act because I didn’t want you to see how hurt I was.  My intention was NEVER to hurt you—only to hide my true feelings.  I could not understand why you concealed your relationship with Ashley when we were up on the deck last night."

"Are you saying Ashley was on your mind last night as well when we spoke up on the deck?"

"No, she wasn't on my mind last night.  My suspicion began when you flirted with her in dance class today.  I was hurt because you greeted her warmly and ignored me completely."

"Tell me again what was going on with Darren."

"I was putting on a show. Surely you could see through my behavior."

"So you are saying this whole thing was Darren was an act?  I couldn't take it any more.  I had to leave and go to my room."

"Are you serious? I never saw you leave dinner. I didn't want you to see how hurt I was. It was all an act to cover up my true feelings. I did put on quite a show!

I laughed in spite of myself. "Serves you right.  Now Darren's in love with you too."

"Oh, stop it. Darren is not in love with me."

"Have you ever considered Broadway.  I had no idea you were acting.  You fooled me so badly that I completely lost control.  I was so jealous that I couldn't see straight."

"I am sorry for that.  I'm glad we are discussing it now."

"This reminds me of a Shakespearean tragedy where no one has a clue what is really going on.  Othello was so full of distrust he murdered Desdemona for a crime she did not commit."

"In some ways our day does read like a Greek tragedy."

Noting a faint smile, I assumed she was teasing.

"I ignored you because I had no idea where you stood with me.  The last time I had seen you was at 6:30 am and you were upset.  If you were concerned about who might see me leaving your cabin, why didn't you say something then?"

"Because I am not confrontational."

"Okay, so tell me now what you would have said this morning about looking up and down the hallway."

"I was suspicious because you clearly didn't want anyone to see us together.  That set the tone for the entire day.  And then you ignored me in dance class.  Then you ignored me again to speak to that wedding couple.  My hurt kept growing deeper all day long."

"All right, I need to say something.  You say I ignored you.  I say you ignored me.  You left the dance class without saying goodbye."

"You never acknowledged my presence in class."

"Seriously?  What was I supposed to do?  I was five minutes into class before I even saw you.  After the dirty look you gave me in the hallway, I was scared that you had begun to regret the time we spent together up on the deck.  Given that I had no idea where you stood during dance class, I was not about to reveal my feelings for you.  I assumed we could clear it up over lunch, but when I looked, you were gone.  I'll be honest with you, that's when I got angry."

"Why would I stay someplace where I'm not wanted?"

"Marla, you and I are going around in circles.  It all boils down to this.  If at some point you had simply said, 'Rick, Jane told me a story about Ashley, I want to know the truth,' I bet we could have handled this issue with a lot less drama."

"I felt so close to you last night, but now I felt incredibly hurt because you lied to me.  I could not understand why you would lie about something so ridiculous.  I don't care about what happened with you and Ashley.  That's done with.  What I do care about is honesty.  I have to know I can trust you to tell the truth."

"Ashley's Secret has caused an enormous amount of pain for both of us.  However, at this point you know the whole truth.  The damage is done, I cannot undo the lie.  Please accept my lie is not an indication of who I really am.  So can we move on?"

"The lie is not the only problem, Rick.  I do not like to be ignored.  I want to feel like I matter to you and that is not how I felt today."

"Of course you matter to me.  But here again that is a door that swings both ways.  You walked out on me in dance class.  You didn't say a word all afternoon.  You walked away from me when I was speaking to my students, then came your new best friend Darren.  I was so upset over Darren I went back to my cabin and spent an hour crying my head off."

Marla's face switched from her issues to concern for me.  "Look, I'm sorry about Darren.  I was putting on a show and I assumed you could figure that out.  I had no idea you took it so seriously.  This whole day is beginning to sound like a comedy of errors."

"Unfortunately, you were quite convincing as the seductive siren.  Not once did I guess you were acting.  You fooled me so badly that I completely lost control.  I was so jealous that I couldn't see straight.  I had to leave or go crazy."

"I felt the same way about the way you ignored me all day."

"It is increasingly clear that I ignored you and you ignored me."

"The sad thing is we both care about each other."

"Exactly.  This day serves to prove the destructive power of gossip.  Jane's rumor about Ashley has influenced your perception of me all day long.  You felt like I was concealing something from you all day long.  And your bitterness over how men have lied by omission in the past left made you so suspicious you could only see the worst in me.  And you know what?  I have the same problem.  I am just as afraid of being deceived as you are."

Marla had trouble believing what she thought was harmless flirtation with Darren had the power to drive me to insanity.  On the other hand, given how much her concern over Ashley had caused distrust, Marla accepted that my distorted perception of her 'Flirtation' had seriously upset me. 

"I'm sorry, Rick. I had no idea you were in pain. If I had known your true feelings towards me, I can assure you dinner would have been much different."

"Somewhere along the line, men have hurt you.  Not just Chris.  Is that a fair thing to say?"

"Yes.  Due to multiple relationships with deceitful men in the past, I find it very difficult to trust again.  I am on high alert when I sense a man is being dishonest.  I go into a "self-protection" mode.  That is the behavior you saw today.  There was no way I was going to let you see how much your actions hurt me."

Although I consider myself as someone with integrity, the unchecked Ashley Rumor had turned me into a possible deceiver in Marla's eyes.  How bizarre was it that we had both spent the day seeing each other as Jekyll and Hyde?  How many ways could I count the damage?  Impossible as it seemed, a brief, inconsequential love affair had somehow gained the destructive power of TNT.  Considering the amount of suffering was so far out of proportion compared to the actual deed, I was certain the coincidence of Jane passing Ashley's secret to Marla was no accident.  Surely this unchecked rumor was meant to play a key part in our weird love story.   

"I never knew it was it was possible for two people to be more lost regarding the other person's motives than us.  Nor did I think I would ever meet someone who is more afraid of being hurt than me.  We have both spent the entire day jumping to the worst possible conclusions about each other.  I cried my eyes out after seeing you with Darren."

"I am sorry I upset you so much."

"It's okay.  I'm just glad we cleared the air.  Based on what Jane told you, I would have been suspicious too if our roles were reversed.  I hope you will see through the illusion and realize I am a much better person than you were led to believe.  I promise you there will be no more lies.  From here on out, I am an open book.  Be that as it may, it blows my mind how badly we were both fooled.  If I were to see a situation like ours on a soap opera, I would have a hard time taking it seriously.  However, sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction.  This is a perfect example of God's penchant for weird plot twists."

Marla frowned.  "What are you talking about?"

"I believe in Fate.  It feels to me like God created our meeting here on the ship, then decided to meddle in our love life.  However, that is a door best left unopened till we know each other better.  For now, let's clear up any remaining confusion.  Your turn."

"I don't like being kept in the dark any more than you do.  I despise men who use acts of omission to keep me guessing.  Chris pulls tricks like that all the time."

"Trust does not come any easier to me than it does to you, Marla.  I was badly deceived by a two-timing woman in graduate school.  That was the first serious love affair of my life and it was my bad luck to pick a truly evil woman.  I was too naive to realize what was going on until it was too late.  I was so shattered it took me four years to regain my confidence.  Ever since, when it comes to women I care about, I am hypersensitive to the slightest hint of indiscretion.  That includes you.  That is why I over-reacted to Darren.  All I could think was, 'Goddamn, here we go again.'" 

Marla gave me a wry smile.  "Now you're starting to sound like me."

"You and I have been handed a valuable lesson in the danger of unconfirmed suspicion.  Thanks to a cruel act of Fate, we were forced to deal with extraordinary pressure at the most tender, most vulnerable stage of our relationship.  Due to malicious gossip, your perception of me was placed in the worst possible light.  Given that I was completely in the dark that Jane had poisoned your perception, I could not figure out why you were behaving like that with Darren.  As a result of my uncertainty, I flipped out when I saw you fawning over him.  I was convinced you were fickle and that you had found someone you liked better."

"Jane didn't poison my perception of you.  It was your actions throughout the day that triggered my insecurities.  As far as Darren goes, I'm sorry, Rick, I was just acting.  That should have been obvious.  All I was doing was putting on a show so you wouldn't know how much you had hurt me.""

"How was I supposed to know that?  I'm not a mind reader.   You say you were just acting, but you looked pretty convincing to me.  Why would you make such a fuss over that guy?  I could not come up with a single logical reason to explain your behavior.  I had no idea what I was up against and I feared the worst."  

"I have been facing the same problem all day.  When I saw you dance with a dozen smiling women at the Captain's Reception, I could not help but wonder if any of those women were on your radar.  It would be so easy for you to fool me.  Suspicious of your behavior with other women on the trip, I felt vulnerable.  Our Slow Dance almost reassured me, but then you blew it by dancing with Jill on stage.  The way you dropped my hand and ran to grab Jill and take her on stage left me feeling crushed.  Standing there alone, I could not abide watching you show off with Jill after we had just slow danced together.  That was a huge slap in the face, so I walked out.  It seemed like you could care less about me. "

"What are you talking about, Marla?  Why was dancing with Jill disrespectful?  You saw me ask Jill's boyfriend Rich for permission to dance to that Disco song.  I wasn't doing anything behind your back."

"I did not see you ask permission to dance with Jill.  However, you do seem to have a harem following you around. You strike me as quite the flirt, moving from woman to woman far too easily.  It was painful watching you dance on stage with all those women while I sat alone." 

"But that's my job, Marla!  Those women are my students, they keep me in business.  Asking them to dance is how I show gratitude for their support.  I did not ignore you.  What about our Swing dance together?

"That was nothing more than a duty dance.  You returned me to my seat only to walk away without a second glance to track down the next woman.  Since you did the same thing in dance class this morning, I was very unsure of your feelings towards me.  I felt like I was just one of many.  Watching you dash from one woman to the next made me feel like I was just another groupie in your harem.  How many women were you chasing in addition to me?  Or for that matter, how many are chasing you?"

"What about our Slow Dance?  You were the only woman I danced with in a romantic way."

"You're right, when we slow danced, my fears briefly subsided.  It felt good to be in your arms.  However, then you upset me again.  Just when I felt things were going to work out, you raced back on stage with Jill.  When you left me standing there alone, I felt insulted.  And I felt hurt as well.  Here we go again, you just had to have one more dance with a member of your adoring flock.  You were thinking of yourself, not me.  It was more important to show off than be a gentleman and escort me to dinner."

"But, Marla, I saved the last dance for you."

"No, Rick, you did not save the last dance for me.  You saved it for Jill."

"Marla, you're not being fair.  This cruise is a vacation for you, but it is my job.  I dance with women for a living.  It is a way to thank these women for their participation at the studio.  In addition, dancing with my female students pays off in different ways.  After I dance with a woman, they turn around and encourage men to take classes from me to learn my secrets about leads.  That's how it works."

"Jill is not one of your lady students.  You were just showing off." 

"Showing off is good for business.  By dancing in a high profile situation, I demonstrate my skill to the onlookers.  I did not expect that Disco song to come on, but when it did, this was the perfect chance to sell dance lessons.  Did you see how many people stuck around to watch Jill and I perform?  We looked good and we got a lot of attention.  Hopefully some of my students were impressed enough to sign up for my next dance class.  Or maybe the guys would consider taking a class from Jill.  Surely you understand how that works." 

"Yes, I understand your business.  However since we are new together, I expected you to make a better effort to show me that I am special to you.  Consequently your behavior at the Captain's Reception did not make sense.  By dancing with every possible woman in the room, you made me feel like I was no more than one of many.  You flit from woman to woman to woman like a daring trapeze artist.  One moment you are dancing with me, then it's another lonely woman or an adoring groupie.  Finally you can't wait to show off with Jill.  You practically hauled her up on the stage.  Considering we were headed to dinner together, that was extremely disrespectful.  I felt insignificant.."

"Okay, I see your point, but I also think you need to cut me some slack.  Why lose your temper and put on a show with Darren?  Why not just talk to me?  I was hurt because I had no idea what you were upset about."

"I didn't lose my temper.  Now that I know the truth, I wish I would have spoken to you sooner.  However, at the time I was just as confused by you as you were by me."

"I have a question, Marla.  Where the hell did Darren come from?"

Marla grinned.  "Believe it or not, I never saw him before. There was nothing more to it than Darren was in line in front of Sherry and me and we were seated together.  I flirted with him specifically because I did not want you to know how hurt I was."

So Marla says Darren was only there by accident.  Yet another coincidence, very similar to the Ashley problem.  Considering the excruciating ordeal I went through after the Darren debacle, I was not particularly consoled to discover Marla's animated warmth was all an act.  However, it was water under the bridge.  This had been a very long night and we had not even dealt with Chris yet.

Marla's Notes:

I still was not satisfied with Rick's explanation for his display of affection for Ashley, but I was willing to move on from it.  It turned out that Rick had a lot of questions of his own.  He was incredulous that I left the theater while he was on stage with Jill.  I thought to myself, why on earth would I stay when he had just dropped my hand and ran off.  Maybe Rick was used to all his adoring groupies who would stand there and watch with admiration.  Not me.  I have too much pride for that.  In my mind, Rick's actions showed that I did not matter to him. We were hand in hand walking to dinner and the next thing I know, Rick grabs Jill and races up on stage.  What am I supposed to do, just stand there?  Forget that.

Later when he caught up to outside the dining room, not once did Rick ask me to join him for dinner.  Instead he just walked away without explanation to speak to a couple of his students.   For the record, I didn't know who the heck the couple was that Rick went off to talk to as we were waiting for the dining room doors to open.  To me, it seemed like Rick was ignoring me AGAIN.  So when the doors opened I walked ahead with the rest of our group.  Rick was so oblivious, he never knew I was gone.

Rick discussed other situations from the day where he was hurt by my actions.  It was becoming a comedy of errors. We were two damaged souls who were withholding our true feelings and unable to see beyond our own perspectives.  Rick's biggest issue was my "performance" with Darren at dinner.  To be honest, I had absolutely no idea how much my impromptu exhibition of interest in Darren hurt him.   Talk about a colossal screw up!  I put on my happy face by smiling and laughing when all the while I was reeling inside.  Unfortunately, Rick perceived my act as the real deal and was devastated.  (In reality, I never once touched Darren and I was sitting no closer to him than Sherry, but Rick interpreted my interaction with Darren differently.)  I guess my acting skills were better than I thought.  For the next hour, Rick told me how hurt he was and cried while discussing how he felt about me.  When I saw how vulnerable Rick was, I began to believe him.  We were BOTH deeply hurt by each other.
 

Day Three: Monday, 4 am

THE CHRIS CONUNDRUM

Marla spoke next.

"Why didn't you come find me this afternoon after dance class?  Our cabins are only twenty feet apart.  You could have knocked on my door and invited me to walk around and talk some more.  I spent the whole day wondering why you were avoiding me after we had spent such a special evening together."

"I thought we already covered this.  You thought I was avoiding you, I thought you were avoiding me.  I avoided you because your disappearing act felt hostile.  When a woman brushes me off, I walk away.  If you're going to turn your back on me, I'm not going anywhere near till you raise the all-clear flag.  For example, when I spotted you up on the deck this afternoon, I deliberately left you alone.""

Marla was surprised.  "You were up on the deck at the same time as me?"

"Yes."

"I had no idea you were there.  Why didn't you come over?"

"I figured you were busy thinking about Chris."

"I was."

I rolled my eyes.  "So, finally, after four hours, we are finally getting to Chris.  At the rate we're going, this conversation might last till dawn for the second night in a row."

Marla smiled.  "I would not invest this much energy unless I was serious about you."

That thought made me smile.   "Okay, thank you.  That is the same way I feel about you.  So what did you decide about Chris?"

"I decided to throw him overboard.  I figured no matter how things worked out with you, it was definitely over with Chris.  I wasn’t going to give him any more chances." 

"What was the deciding factor?"

"I finally realized I deserve more than what Chris was offering.  I am ready to find a healthy relationship built on mutual honesty and trust.  It wasn't really that hard letting him go.  No tears, no guilt, no regret.  I actually sighed a huge breath of relief."

"Good for you.  So Chris is gone?  No more Chris?"

"Yes, Chris is gone."

"Are you sure about that?"

Marla smiled.  "Yes, he's gone for good.  But do me a favor."

"What?"

"Try not to push any more of my buttons for a while.  I have spent all day wondering if I was trading one jerk for another.  You are not an easy guy to care about.  Your habit of moving from one girl to the next at the Captain's Reception made me wonder if I should reconsider my decision." 

"I see your point.  Rest assured you have thoroughly educated me and I will be careful from here on out.  Due to our rough start, it may take a while, but in time you will come to see I am an honorable person.  Just because I enjoy dancing with a professional like Jill or my legion of female students does not mean I am chasing them.  Once I enter a committed relationship, I never stray."

"Unfortunately a lot of men say the same thing.  I have learned that the hard way.  Your behavior at the Captain's Reception was tough to watch.  A woman has to be unusually secure to put up with your career."

"You are not the first woman to say that.  My first wife Pat divorced me for exactly that reason."

"Please explain."

"Due to problems in her past, Pat had difficulty trusting me."

"After seeing you on stage, I know exactly what she is talking about."

"Yes, I understand you completely.  I admit I have a profession that invites doubt. Hopefully, once you learn to trust me, your fears will pass.  I am glad you have explained why dancing with Jill upset you.  I will be more careful."

"Today has been tough on me."

I nodded.  Recalling my Dark Night of the Soul, I felt the same way. 

"Basically, no matter whatever I did, it pissed you off."

"Rick, I was not pissed off, I was hurt."

"I am sorry, Marla.  I never meant to hurt you, but I was very confused by your behavior.  Have we cleared the air enough that we can forgive each other?"

"Yes.  Having the chance to talk in an open and honest way about our insecurities has definitely helped."

"What do I need to do to extricate myself permanently?"

"You need to reassure me that you will always be honest with me and that I can trust you.  I have my share of insecurities, just like you.  Every significant man in my life has cheated on me.  I am sick of the pain.  I am tired of the lies.  I can’t stand the anxiety of not knowing what is going on behind my back.  I am faithful and I am honest in my relationships.  All I ask is that the man I love treat me with the same regard.  Are you willing to do this?"

My eyes grew wide.  As confrontations go, Marla was drawing a firm line in the sand.  This was as serious as it gets.  Realizing Marla was offering to play for keeps, I took a huge gulp.  Having just come from a divorce, my trust issues had been sorely tested all day long.  Recalling how it took me four times to finally open the cabin door during my Dark Night of the Soul, my courage for taking big risks was at low ebb.  After this long day of confusion, there was a part of me that yearned for more time to heal from my divorce.  Full of fear at being hurt again, I began to cry.  I was so scared!  To her credit, Marla sat there silently.  It took a while, but I eventually regained my composure.  After drying my eyes, I took a glance at the clock.  It was 5 am for the second night in a row.  I swear, these had been the two most intense of my entire life.  Seriously, I could not take much more of this intense fear and heartache.

Just then I glanced at Marla.  Seeing the concern in her eyes, I suddenly realized she was taking just as big a risk as me.  Marla was trying as hard as she possibly could to make this work despite fears of her own.  Her courage meant a lot.  That was the deciding factor.  If Marla is brave enough to take a chance on me, then I can do the same.  I moved closer and took Marla's hands in mine. 

"You and I share the same concerns.  Like you, I believe in being faithful.  Like you, I believe in being honest.  I have been cheated on more times than I care to admit.  Due to painful experiences in the past, I have learned the hard way that cheating is a road to misery.  I have been married twice.  I was faithful even when the going was rough.  Nor did I lie to either woman.  I kept my word to them and I will always keep my word to you."

"Is that the truth?"

"Yes."

Marla smiled.  "I am glad you said that.  I feel the same way."

We sealed our agreement with a kiss. 

Marla's Notes:

Following the dance class that morning, Sherry and I went for a quick lunch and then spent the afternoon out on deck.  As I gazed out into the vast ocean, I reflected on all the hurt I had endured in my relationship with Chris.  I couldn’t fathom why I had continued seeing Chris.  I spent so many days, weeks, years worrying whether Chris cared for me.   It was now time to make a decision about  Chris, regardless of what the future held for Rick and me,   After ten months of therapy, I was now keenly aware what qualities were important for me to have in a relationship - mutual honesty, trust and faithfulness.  These attributes were severely lacking with Chris.  As I stared into the sea, I calmly decided that I would end my relationship with Chris upon my return.  I finally believed that I deserved more than what Chris was willing to give.  Once I made the decision to end it with Chris, I felt a strange peacefulness come over me.  With an enormous sigh of relief, I said “Goodbye, Chris!”

Late into the night, Rick and I opened up about each of our own insecurities.  As we bared our most innermost souls, I had never been so brutally honest in my life.  I was ready to take a huge leap of faith with Rick, but first I wanted to make sure he felt the same way about me.  I made Rick aware what would be required of him for us to begin a relationship.  I expected honesty and faithfulness from him from this moment forward.  Without a bit of hesitation, Rick took both of my hands, looked into my eyes and promised himself only to me.