Back then most of the women had the sense to hold ranks. They would make out, get their boyfriends all hot and bothered, then send them home sex-crazed out of their minds. Good girls simply did not go all the way.  "Do you think we could get married?"

Horny out of their minds, those boys were forced to get married or die of sexual frustration.  Next thing you knew, women were having kids left and right.  They didn’t call it the Baby Boom for nothing.  Those Fifties girls really knew how to close the deal. 

Heck, these days the good girls give it up almost as fast as the bad girls.  And if we don’t give it to them, they’ll just get it from the girl sitting on the bar stool next to us.  Things are all screwed up these days.  No wonder we can’t close the deal.  Maybe it’s time to close ranks again for our own good.  Maybe these no-commitment guys will come back to bargaining table.

I have made one discovery and I am not happy about it.  No matter fickle men are, I can have practically any man I want the moment I show interest in other men.  All I have to do is feign interest in some other guy and the previously distant Iceman melts before my very eyes.  Frosty the Snowman turns to mush thanks to jealousy he has no control over.  Men want what they can’t have.  Men want the woman all the other men want so they can hold her up like a valuable trophy.  ‘Look at me.  This is the girl all the men want, but she’s mine so I must be quite a guy!’

The problem is, that’s not how I want to get a ring.  I want a man, not some puppy dog I can manipulate with a dog treat.  I usually don’t play dirty because it is beneath me.  Life is long.  Someday I will meet a man who recognizes my value and will want me as a companion to conquer the world with.”

Patrick said a lot of the same things that Walter had shared.  In Patrick’s opinion, the modern day confusion all started with widespread birth control, gained momentum with women’s liberation, and got crazier with so many women joining the work force.  

Thanks to daycare, now everyone is trying to find the new family model to replace Ozzie and Harriett.  Witness the success of the Brady Bunch, a recent example of two broken families using each other to mend. Sitcoms featuring single parents with kids are undoubtedly next.

Obviously the day of the little woman staying home to clean house, diaper the kids and cook the meal is over.  Most modern households need that second paycheck just to make ends meet and buy that house in the suburb.  Women’s economic power and sexual freedom bring them closer to the day when men can no longer call all the shots. 

So men are being forced to adjust on the fly.  Unfortunately they can’t necessarily look to their own fathers or to television to find their role models.  Archie Bunker, the icon father of Seventies, was just as confused as everyone else.  His main value was showing men who not to do it. 

Today’s woman is freer and better educated than ever before.  No longer are women forced to find a mate to survive.  Most women can stand on their own feet and find a job.  Nor are they forced to “wait” for sexual gratification like the women of the Fifties.  If they desire sex, the pill says nothing is stopping them. 

These developments give single women far more latitude in choosing a mate than their mothers ever had.  Today’s women actually get to take their man out for a spin before making the final move.  Not only that, they usually have enough sexual experience to rate his performance.

"I spent a year living with my last boyfriend. I did the groceries, did the cooking, washed the dishes, made the bed, washed the clothes, folded the clothes, vacuumed, and cleaned the toilet.  Plus I worked during the day and paid half the rent and half the bills.  Plus I gave him sex whenever he asked nicely enough.  He was so terrible in bed I actually felt sorry for him.  But we were headed toward marriage, so I gave in.  No point in alienating the future father of my children. 

But I wasn't happy. I rotated between feeling like a housekeeper who worked for free and a whore who worked for free.  One day Paul got a job in another city and said he would miss me.  Could we still be friends?

I felt sick to my stomach.  The pain was so great I actually ran to the bathroom and vomited.  As I cleaned up the mess, I was consumed by an actual desire to hurt the man.  I have never felt so deceived, so taken advantage of in my entire life.  Promises, promises.  I will never live with another man again.  If a man wants to live with me, marry me first."

As Walter pointed out, the herpes scare brought the Sexual Revolution to a grinding halt.  With everyone putting on the brakes, both men and women were suddenly a lot less interested in recreational sex if it carried the very real danger of getting infected. 

Out of nowhere, the age-old concept of being ‘faithful’ took on new meaning.  Suddenly sex between one man and one woman with no fooling around didn't seem like such a bad idea.  The pendulum began to swing back in favor of committed relationships.  

Speaking on behalf of the women I know, I can safely say most of us sighed with relief. Mind you, this is my own opinion, but most women would much rather return to the era of “Stand by Your Man”.  This meant Marriage... a husband and wife committed to each other, ready to raise a family and watch the stars together.  

Sure, sex without love can be satisfying, but I know very few women who prefer 'raw sex' as some call it to sex combined with romance.  Now maybe we could concentrate on the thing most women care about – intimacy and connectedness. 

Another psychotherapist, a lady who preferred not to be named, sent me back into a tailspin.  She stated her belief that for every ten bright, energetic, emotionally healthy women, there might be perhaps five men who are an immediate equal.  My jaw dropped with that statement. Seeing the alarm on my face, the same lady was quick to offer a ray of hope.  It is her belief that men have a great capacity to grow in a relationship. 

Calling it the ‘positive effect of finding a good woman’, the therapist said men who enter a committed relationship usually make all sorts of progress thanks to the nurturing benefits of a caring woman.  Yes, men mature more slowly than women, but most of them are not the total dolts of sitcoms.  They may not perfect on delivery, but if they make strides during courtship, this bodes well for similar improvement within a marriage.  As this therapist pointed out, men reap far more benefits in marriage than women.  One reason is that they have a woman exerting a positive influence.

Considering how most men would consider that statement an insult, I could certainly see why she preferred to stayed anonymous.  I wasn’t sure I liked it very much either, but for different reasons.

As I mulled her views over, I did my best to find the positive side of message.  According to this lady, men are clearly less mature than women.  However, theoretically, the influence of a good woman will work wonders.  Does that mean modern woman is meant to be as much ‘mother’ as wife or girlfriend?   Or has that always been the way it is and no one told us when we were growing up? The joke is that man is not complete until he meets a woman and then he is finished.  Humor aside, I would agree from my recent research that a lot of the men out there are not quite as well-rounded as most women would like them to be. However these men are certainly not hopeless.  The phrase ‘boys will be boys’ rattled around in my mind.  It is a poorly disguised secret among women that we agree most men need to “grow up”. So maybe this therapist’s controversial statement isn’t something I didn’t already know to begin with.  For that matter, even some of the men I spoke to said that men are slower to mature.  Okay, so some men are more perfect than others.  Got it.  All I know is that every woman I know enjoys the company of men… most of the time.  There is hope for the human race.

Today I needed my beloved mother, may she rest in peace, more than ever.  Here I was, the gentle daughter, the bookworm who was too busy to date in college, now juggling four boyfriends with two more distinct possibilities on the way.

For the first time in my entire life, I had actually been forced to resort to fibbing to get through the day.  As each relationship moved forward, each man became more curious about my Quest or more specifically how I was spending my time and with whom.  I was besieged with an astonishing barrage of questions.  To my surprise, I had so many irons in the fire that even a smart girl like me began to have trouble remembering what I had told to whom.  This was ridiculous. 

Fortunately I had one ultimate shield and I used it whenever I got in a jam.  Whenever someone got a little too close to the fact that I was seeing half of Houston, I simply explained that these weren’t dates, these were “appointments” for my article.  Except that some were really dates with another man.   I idly wondered if my magazine had a Reporter Protection Program when this was all over.  I might need it.

Despite my onset of stress-induced mental illness caused by an overdose of men, I consider my Quest a success.   Okay, yes, maybe I overdid it.  I am a nervous wreck thanks to too many men in too short a time as one friend cattily put it. 

But I have so much to show for my adventure.  My contact with 100 different men helped my self-confidence around guys grow dramatically.  I had not dated much in high school and college, but this whirlwind crash course definitely brought me up to speed.  I can safely say that I now know every trick in the book and every line backwards and forwards. 

I can even hold my alcohol a little.  Along the way I learned the meaning behind “Tequila – helping women lower their standards for years”.  Yes, another valuable lesson learned. 

I smile knowing that when the time comes to make my choice out of the Final Four, I will do so with some experience under my belt.

And what else have I learned that I can share with my reader?  I was disappointed to learn that the Houston dating and mating climate is not as hot and heavy as I had expected it to be.  Among the Under 35 crowd there is a pervasive pessimistic attitude that love is too much trouble. 

Given the tendency of marriage-eligible men to retreat to the safety of their jobs or jump to the next best offer anytime a lady gets too close, many women literally give up for months and years at a time just to recharge their batteries for the next crusade.  Some women I met have been unhappily celibate for so long they worry that they have rusted shut.  Working late or working out, there is an entire army of women sublimating like crazy.

And yet later this summer I have six weddings to attend listed on my calendar.  That is all the proof I need to conclude that despite all the fears and all the social upheavals, men and women have been connecting for eons… and continue to do so even while our world is changing so fast.  Men and women need each other too much.

Chapter Fourteen - Strategies for Finding the Right Guy

Delores liked my article.  She said I touched on a surprising number of hot topics with insight.  However could I do her one more favor?  Given my recent experience, would I mind writing a short cookbook with some practical recipes for meeting men? 

I smiled and said it would be my pleasure.  My first suggestion would be to develop a Starting Point, but don't limit yourself to just one.  Choose several and be willing to add and delete your choices after you explore a bit.  Don't rest until you find one or two Starting Points you are confident have a chance to pay off.

While selecting a Starting Point, pick a couple of activities you would enjoy pursuing that also carry the potential for meeting men.  It can be something like jogging. If so, I would say find a jogging group and join it.  Or find an organization that you are interested in and volunteer.  One good example would be the Houston Rodeo.  Get on a committee and help plan something.  You will instantly meet more businessmen than you can ever imagine, but they will wear a disguise.  If you see men wearing jeans instead of a business suit, don't let that fool you. 

I would suggest that within these locations you choose to pursue your interests and activities, develop friends, both male and female and not necessarily potential boyfriends. This network of friends – both women and men - will pay off in ways you might not expect. As you get accepted at your chosen location, your new friends might just lead you to various networks and inner circles that are "invitation only". 

In my opinion, too many people believe in the power of Serendipity.  They think some random meeting at the zoo or the grocery store will magically pay off with the love of their life.  Maybe so, but the odds aren’t very good.  It is difficult to bridge the social barriers you will come up against in these situations.

In my opinion, the Serendipity approach is like trying to hit the Lottery.  The math is simply not in your favor.  This quick fix strategy involves clever pickup lines that have little chance of success because people - especially women - are inherently afraid of strangers who come on too strong or show too much interest.

Thanks to my experience, I no longer believe in trusting luck or 'Fate'.  Very few women I spoke to found their men through accidental meetings in unexpected places like sitting next to some cute guy at a movie.  The meetings themselves might have been unexpected, but the women pointed out they were in that place to begin with because they chose that spot in advance.

One of my favorite stories involved a lady named Vickie who volunteered to work for free at a friend's booth at the Texas Renaissance Festival.  She said there are parties galore at the closing of each day.  Vickie said she would come in the afternoon, give her friend a break, then stay to experience the crazy world that comes alive after the public goes home.  At one of these parties, Vickie met the man who would become her husband.  In other words, it was a chance meeting, but at a deliberately chosen spot.

Yes, I was irritated in the beginning that women can't just sit there and be pursued like we want to be, but I got over it.  If I were to do this all over again, I would develop a long-term strategy based on linking my interests to three or four recurring locations.  It is all based on finding a Starting Point, so don't limit yourself to one spot.

A "location" is defined as a place where you like to play.  If you like books, then the book club you settle on becomes your location.  We assume, of course, that you have scouted this club and have noticed at least a couple of interesting men, hopefully even more.  Now you make a firm commitment to attend these meetings frequently enough to make friends.  Hopefully current members will take you under their wing and introduce you to other possibilities that were not previously on your radar.  Give it at least a month, but don't be afraid to move on if the prospects seem dim.

If you volunteer to work for the Texas Renaissance Festival, let me know and I will join you. I would love to work one season at the Renaissance Festival.

Finding the Right Location

1)  Your Interests.  Find some place where you can learn to cook or dance or learn public speaking.  Find a book club, a coed softball league, a running club, or a sailing club.

2)  Seminars.  Every professional meeting that involves other people in your field is a prime opportunity to meet a wide cross-section of individuals who have something in common with you.

3)  Work.  Yes, we all know that dating someone at your place of work carries great risk, but if you have developed a friendship where you work that carries the potential for a real romance, then think it over. Before you accept that offer of a date, remember that workplace romances may not pan out. If so, before you make your move, ask yourself what's harder to find, a good man or a good job?

4)  Friends.  One of the things I learned during the Quest that I did not know previously is that a good friend has the ability to introduce you into large circles or networks of people you previously had no knowledge of. For example, they can invite you to parties or gatherings you would have never known about otherwise. Let me add that a good friend is also important when your spirits lag during your own personal Quest. A couple times I nearly went off the deep end only to be rescued by my girlfriends.

5)  Parties.   Like seminars, parties carry a much higher chance of a useful random meeting than say trying to approach an attractive stranger at a doughnut shop because people are naturally more receptive to meeting new people.  Furthermore, once you get established in a circle of friends, throw a party of your own.  Ask everyone to invite someone new.  The Hostess always has the advantage.  

6)  Church.  Church socials and church singles organizations are very productive places to look.  If you are cynical, try different religions on a rotating basis.  When you discover the best religion for meeting men, be sure to say a thank you prayer, then settle down and begin to make friends.

7)  School.  Night school has some potential, but what I mean here is adult education classes.  Whether you sign up for a Spanish class, a film appreciation class, a kayak class, or a photography class, you are sure to meet new people.  If you stick to things you are interested in, even if you don’t find any prospects, you will still find the time well spent.  Using the art of the innocent question, be sure to talk to everyone about other classes they like.  You never know where that will lead you.

8)  Volunteer.  One woman I met said she found a legion of eligible men by volunteering to help organize events for the Houston Livestock and Rodeo.  Another woman volunteered to help with fund raising at United Way and met her future husband.

9)  Bars.  Clubs and Bars are generally a mixed bag.  Definitely not a place for the faint of heart. Let me warn you a lot of angry people hang out in bars. Furthermore, in my conversations, I gather more women have gotten their hearts broken by men they met at bars than all the other environments combined.  At the same time, several women told me they met their husbands in a bar.  If nothing else, except for the wolves who take their rings off before entering, at least most of the men are theoretically single.

One suggestion – if you are going to hang out in bars, do four things.  First, develop the ability to make conversations with total strangers.  Second, learn to dance.  Third, learn how to handle rejection without losing your confidence.  Fourth, stick to the same one or two clubs so you can begin to make a circle of friends.  If you go to different clubs all the time, you will be always be a stranger. But if you pick one you like, you can become a regular.  People will greet you and begin to let down their guard. Think “Cheers”. 

10) Exercise class.  Few women ever get a man by being out of shape. Yes, it is true that few men take exercise classes. However, aerobics classes are awesome places to make girl friends who can introduce you to new circles.  If you are good at starting conversations with strangers, then a health club or gym will put you in more contact with men. Side note - if you like going to bars, don't forget that bars favor the beautiful. If you are out of shape, avoid clubs like the plague until you get in shape. If you have a thin skin, the rampant hostility in clubs will eat you alive.

11) Dancing.  No clean-cut activity known to man puts you in the arms of a man faster than a dance class.  Dance classes are also a very simple way to make friends over a period of time. Few people have the ability to learn to dance overnight, so you will have built-in opportunities to make friends of both sexes in a relaxed setting.  Plus a dance class carries the opportunity to visit bars in groups which is much safer.

12) Sports.  Men love sports the way women love dancing.  If a gal has an ounce of athletic ability, I say join a coed volleyball league, a running club, or a coed softball league.  You will find men galore.  And for you guys who are cheating by reading my article, read my suggestions in reverse… join a dance class or join an aerobics exercise class.   These two activities are very popular with women.  You won’t regret it.

13) Apartment projects that cater to singles.  Do some research.  If you find an apartment project that has a social schedule… pool parties, Sunday afternoon volleyball, dance parties in the recreation room, bingo night, wine tasting night, and organized group trips to a nearby club… you might be on to something.

Rule Number One is to study a person's signals.  Have the two of you made eye contact?  Has the person smiled?  Do they look tense or do they seem at ease?  Are they talking to someone or are they free for you to make your move?

It helps to have a modus operandi.  I had the advantage of saying, "I am writing an article.  Can I ask you a few questions?"  However, if I had that luxury taken away, I would simply fall back on the approach of the Master, our friend Miguel. He started every conversation based on the one single thing that connected his customer to him - the food.  If the initial conversation produced a smile, he then moved to "Where are you from?" and played off the response to that simple question. 

Therefore I say the best approach is to keep it simple.  Initiate a conversation with a comment or better yet a question based on the reason why the two of you are in this same spot together right now.  If the person helps a little, then be sure to have your second question ready.  If the person doesn't help, then bounce off and move on.  You can always try coming back to them later.

If the conversation has been warm, be sure to conclude with a request for a phone number or, if you are feeling particularly bold, a chance to meet again.  "I've enjoyed talking with you.  I would like to do this again sometime.  Would you mind if I called you?"  Memorize that.  Say it a thousand times. Then practice smiling while you say it.

If they say yes, then great. Good for you. If they say no, take it in stride. Don't immediately assume there is something wrong with you. They may be in a committed relationship. They may live in another state.  They may be gay.  What difference does it make what the reason is?  You did the best you could, so bounce off and move on.