SUBCHAPTER 992 -  THE DAY OF CONFUSION

August 2001, Day Two, Sunday, 8 am

Starting at Midnight, Marla and I had spent the next eight hours together.  Marla had spent the final hours in my arms under the moonlight.  Those wee hours of Sunday morning had been one of the happiest moments of my life.  Growing closer to Marla than I could ever imagine, the night had played out like a Fairy Tale.  Unfortunately, our Fairy Tale began to unravel at the break of day. 

The problems began when we left the deck.  It was 8 am when we reached my room.  I fully expected Marla would want to come in with me, but she surprised me by asking to have her key back.  Noting the change in her voice, I could tell something was bothering her.  In response to my request that she consider staying in my room, Marla replied, "No, I need to get some sleep." 

I looked around the hallway to see if anyone had noticed us, then said, "Well, in that case, here's your key, you should get to your room before someone sees us together."

When I said that, Marla had a mysterious change of mood.  What was that all about?  I suddenly felt very worried.  Marla was upset about something, but I had no idea what it was.  All I knew was that I did not want to part from her.  However, I did not think revealing my sudden pang of insecurity would help matters, so I handed Marla the key.  After a brief kiss, we parted.  After the night we had, I should have felt elated, but instead I felt hurt.  I also felt afraid.  Something was wrong.

Disheartened by the ominous look on her face, I tried to evaluate Marla's state of mind.  It was painful to admit, but Marla had a weak spot for Chris, a connection that had allowed this philanderer to survive at least five separate occasions where healthier women would have walked away.  Now thanks to my intervention, Chris was facing the most serious challenge yet to his tenure.  Unfortunately my instincts told me there was no guarantee I would emerge the winner.  Chris had the nine lives of a tomcat.

With that thought, I entered a fitful sleep.  I awoke two hours later feeling a mixture of triumph and uncertainty.  I interpreted Marla's departure to mean she wanted a clear head to think about Chris today.  I could understand why she wanted to be alone.  Marla had the right to make up her own mind without me around to influence her.  Although I expected Marla would wish to build on the night we had just shared, I was tormented with doubt.  Marla had a funny way of reminding me of all those years she had invested in her relationship with Chris.  I had to admit six years was a long time.  Over this time, Marla had invested serious emotional capital into this man.  Furthermore Marla admitted Chris had some sort of mysterious hold over her.  Not that she needed to point this out.  Most women would have walked away from a guy like this ages ago.  I asked myself over and over how Marla could keep returning to a man who had treated her poorly.

To me the great mystery was how Marla could trust a man like this.  'Trust' meant everything to me.  To this day, I still suffered scars from Vanessa, the banshee woman who had cruelly cheated on me long ago in graduate school.  The pain of her betrayal had been so intense it had taken me five years to regain enough confidence to find another girlfriend.  Just my luck another girlfriend, Patricia, had also turned out to be another cheater.  On three different occasions, I caught Patricia cheating on me in retaliation for arguments over Victoria, her arch-rival.  Ordinarily I would have left an evil woman like her, but in this case I needed Patricia to stick around.  Her presence prevented Victoria from dominating me and my dance business even more than she already did.  Although I could still share a bed with Patricia, I could never love her.  The moment the trust was gone, I placed my heart inside a locked vault for safety.

As it turned out, Marla was no stranger to cheaters either.  Despite intense pain over several betrayals, Marla had found a way to forgive.  How did she do it?  I marveled at her courage to attempt to salvage these relationships, but at the same time I could never match that.   After my experiences with Vanessa and Patricia, I refused to tolerate betrayal.  I would never continue a  committed relationship with a woman I could not trust.  Better to cut my losses and move on.  In my book, once the trust was gone, it was gone for good.  Obviously Marla's psyche was wired differently than my mine.  She was willing to give a guy like Chris a second chance, a third chance, dare I say a fourth chance.  No matter how badly Chris treated her, Marla always kept returning.  What made me think I could pry her away from this man?

After all, Marla had just spent the past two weekends with the guy, first in Miami, then at his house.  Right now her car was sitting in his driveway, a clear giveaway that she had spent Friday and Saturday with him.  The thought that Chris would be waiting for Marla at the conclusion of this trip gave me further doubt.  Perhaps now that Marla had gotten all this venom out of her system, her fondness for Chris would be restored.  Considering Marla had been returning to Chris for the past six years, history has a funny way of repeating itself.

Right now my heart ached for Marla.  But I had to leave her alone.  If there is one thing I believed about women, they don't like being pressured.  If Marla and I had a future, she had to come to me of her own free will.

 

August 2001, Day Two, Sunday, 10 am Dance Class

A quick glance at the clock said I had five minutes to get to my 10 am dance class.  With a heavy heart, I walked to the elevator.  No doubt I would see Marla.  How should I handle this?  If I were to follow my heart, I would kiss her in front of everyone.  But that was not the right thing to do.  Marla had chosen to disengage from me this morning.  Nor had she knocked on my door to allow me to escort her to class.  Since Marla had made it clear she intended to reevaluate her relationship with Chris today, the sensible thing to do was give her space to make up her mind. 

There was a major issue on my mind.  I had once ruined a promising relationship with puppy dog behavior.  Based on that memory, the worst mistake I could make would be to come on too strong.  Women typically resent men who get possessive much too fast.  This was another good reason to keep my distance.  Concerned that Marla's disappearing act was based on last-minute misgivings towards me, the last thing I wanted to do was put Marla on the spot in front of the other guests on the trip.  Even though I ached to be with her, I made a firm decision that I would not chase her today.  If Marla wanted to be with me, I assumed she would say so before or after dance class. 

Unfortunately Marla was late in joining us.  This was a critical problem because it prevented me from speaking to her in private as I had hoped.  At first I was pleased to see her, but then I noticed her walk in with a frown on her face.  That is when I froze.  Seeing she was still in that mood of hers, I chose not to disrupt class to go over and greet her.  When it was my turn to dance with Marla, I gave her a smile and said hi.  However, I was on guard, so I imagine my hesitation was obvious.

Marla gave me a weak smile in return.  I could see she had not slept well.  And with that, I got back to work.  Still unsure where we stood, for the next hour I treated Marla the same way I treated every other woman in class.  I smiled at her, I danced with her, I said rotate partners and went on to the next woman.  Marla's frown deepened as the class progressed, but what was I supposed to do about that?  It wasn't like I could stop the class and ask Marla what was bothering her.  I figured we would clear it up at lunch.

Guess again!  At the end of dance class I was alarmed to discover Marla was missing.  This was not a good sign and it made me angry.  Marla was late to class, she frowned throughout, and now she had split without saying goodbye.  If that's the way Marla wants to play this, I refused to go anywhere near her. 

SUBCHAPTER 993 - MIDDAY ISOLATION

August 2001, Day Two, Sunday, Noon

After dance class I spent the next couple hours in my room dealing with doubt and fear. Left totally in the dark as to what was running through Marla's mind, I wondered if Marla had already made her decision to return to Chris.  Maybe she avoided me because she did not have the courage to give me the bad news.  This unwelcome thought sent a huge chill through me.  What should I do?  The answer came quickly enough... compete.  Even if Marla had decided to return to Chris, I did not have to panic.  Chris was there and I was here.  Maybe it would take more than one special night to kill the dragon.  Eventually we would meet again and surely it would all work out.  Or would it?  My confidence was starting to waver. 

Who am I to say I understand women?  After two failed marriages and painful betrayals by seven past girlfriends, I would be the last man to offer advice on women.  All I knew was that Marla was distancing herself.  I tried to put myself into her shoes.  Marla had invested a lot of time in this man.  Based on their long history together, they had similar interests and their schedule was down pat.  Her relationship with Chris was comfortable and convenient. 

On the other hand, there were serious problems.  Chris took Marla for granted, a huge hot button for her.  His cavalier approach regarding her decision to come on this trip alone the perfect example.  Marla was angry at Chris for assuming she would always be there.  Last night I had asked her if Chris had any qualms about her coming on this trip by herself. 

Marla had replied, "Chris never once brought up the subject.  Give him credit, he knows that loyalty is a major part of who I am.  You want to know something, Rick?  I don't think Chris has the slightest idea just how much I resent him.  Maybe if he suspected the truth, he would have worried a bit, but there was no concern at all as he drove me to ship this past afternoon."

I did not know Marla very well, but I had a hunch she was the kind of woman who preferred to hide her hurt rather than express it or lash out.  If anything, Marla kept her pain hidden too well.  Over the past year, Chris had taken to putting her down, another form of disrespect.  Most of his gibes were meant to tease, but many of his comments had a bite to them.  However, Marla just took it in. 

There had been a time when I was the same way.  Back when I was a teenager, I had so much anger towards my mother that I never said a thing for fear that the slightest crack in the dam would lead to a huge outburst.  Maybe Marla was the same way.  Perhaps she was fearful of losing control if she ever told Chris what she really thought about him.

Most painful of all, Marla wondered if Chris was two-timing her again.  Recently Marla had received a third-hand rumor that Chris was seeing a woman who was friends with somebody on the rugby team.  Over the past months there were a dozen or so instances when Chris broke dates or changed his mind in ways that raised an eyebrow.  Chris was full of excuses and explanations that didn't quite ring true, but there was nothing solid Marla could pin on him.  

Marla had been unhappy for well over a year. However, so far she had not trusted her misgivings enough to take action.  One reason Marla had postponed lowering the boom was her hope of getting hard evidence.  However, Chris lived so far away, it was nearly impossible to check on him.  Plus his rugby buddy Monty always covered for Chris with an alibi.  Unless Marla could find a spy in Rugby World, Marla had no way to confirm what her gut was telling her.  Instead she was left with this constant feeling of distrust.  Knowing there was room for error, it was not Marla's style to make a bold move.  If she were to break it off with Chris, she would have to do so based on this anger she felt plus circumstantial evidence.  I would have convicted the guy long ago, but Marla's innate sense of fairness made her a reluctant juror.  Did Marla really have the guts to break up with Chris without cold, hard evidence?  The answer was no.  For reasons I would never understand, Marla continually gave Chris the benefit of the doubt.  Consequently my biggest fear was that Marla would return to shore with the intention of confronting Chris about her concerns.  If that took place, Marla would be back on turf where Chris dominated.  No doubt the silver-tongued devil would work his black magic again.

Faced with the prospect of losing Marla, I was very unhappy.  But my heart told me I was a far better man than Chris.  The best thing to do was to bide my time and wait for Marla to make the next move.  This was a bold step for me, a definite risk.  But it was also a show of confidence.  Let Marla make up her own mind without pressure from me. 

Around 1 pm, a knock on my door woke me up from a dead sleep.  Excited that it was Marla, I jumped up. The woman at the door was Connie, the pest who would not take a subtle no for an answer.  I could not help but notice she was wearing a bathrobe.  Hmm. 

"Hi, Rick, I sure enjoyed your dance class this morning.  Would you like to come to the pool with me?"

Just then Connie's robe fell open.  I hated myself, but I involuntarily looked.  Although Connie was wearing a bathing suit, she wasn't leaving much to the imagination.  Despite my annoyance, I noted her impressive figure.  Fairly certain Connie would enter my room if invited, I knew what Connie was up to.  However, not today, not under these circumstances.

"Tell you what, Connie, I will meet you up there.  Let me change and put on some suntan oil."

"Would you like me to put the lotion on for you?"

"No thanks, I'll do it myself.  See you up at the pool."

Connie looked at me skeptically, but abided by my wishes.  Poor Connie.  Another time, another place, definitely.  However, in life, Timing is everything.  I preferred to wait for Marla's decision, so I gently closed the door and returned to my game of computer chess.

One hour later Connie knocked again.  Persistent, isn't she?  This time I did not answer the door.

About this time, another troubling thought entered my mind.  If Connie could knock on my door, what kept other men in the group from knocking on Marla's door?  I thumped myself on the head.  I was so fixated on Chris, I had failed to realize I wasn't the only guy who had his eyes on Marla.  For that matter, maybe Marla had come on this trip with her eye on some guy in the group.  Already feeling insecure about Chris, now I had a new issue to worry about.  However, I refused to back down from my tough guy resolution to go see what Marla was up to.  I'll be damned if she thinks I will crawl back to her after the dance class snub.

 

August 2001, Day Two, Sunday, 3:30 pm

That afternoon I returned to the same deck area where Marla and I had spent the early hours of the morning.  I found the same chair and sat in it for good luck.  It was a lazy, balmy day.  By sailing away from the hurricane, the ship had left the stormy weather in the distance.  I could tell we were nearing the coast of Mexico due to the abundance of seabirds.  Never one to let a spare moment go to waste, I began working a crossword puzzle. 

One hour later, I looked up when a familiar figure walked by.  It was Martin, my Salsa instructor.  He was carrying a bucket of beer.  Following his path, Martin stopped at a spot just out of my view.  To my surprise, I heard Marla's voice.  Apparently Martin had gone over to offer her a beer.  Well, I'll be darned.  Marla is up here too.  Apparently we had both returned to the scene of the crime.  Hmm.  Not the best choice of words.  

Marla was out of sight, but she was definitely on my mind.  It was disconcerting to know my fate was being decided twenty feet away.  From that point on, I kept a watchful eye for signs she might be coming my way.  No such luck.  Marla was clearly engaged in some serious thinking.  It's one thing to fall into another man's arms at 4 am after three margaritas and a night of dancing in his arms.  It's another thing entirely to jeopardize a six-year relationship for a man she barely knew.  Too bad she had to sober up.

Fifteen minutes later I saw Marla get up.  There was an important dance event coming up in an hour, so I assumed Marla had decided it was time to start getting ready.  I watched with frustration as she headed in another direction.  I wanted to speak to Marla in the worst way, but held back.  I had lost favor with women in the past by trying too hard, so the last thing I intended to do was smother Marla.   Still locked in my 'give her space' mode, I figured I would discover my fate soon enough.   Expecting to meet her at the Captain's Reception, I quietly watched her leave. 

SUBCHAPTER 994 - CAPTAIN'S RECEPTION

August 2001, Day Two, Sunday, 6:30 pm Captain's Reception

It was Formal Night on the cruise.  I grinned when everyone in the group showed up looking so glamorous.  For that matter, I had also dressed for the occasion.  I had only worn a tux once before in my life.  I was the best man at a wedding back in 1983.  Treated tonight's event like a costume ball of sorts, I decided to try again.  I received so many compliments for my tuxedo, maybe I should do this more often.  I looked for Marla, but she had not arrived yet.

The festivities for the evening featured the Captain's Reception in the theater.  This was a fun event for our group.  Music, champagne, formal attire, dancing!  As the ship's orchestra played Big Band music, the guests were allowed up on the stage to dance.  Oh boy, we liked that.  Lots of room to dance!  At times, there were as many as thirty SSQQ couples up there.  Every couple danced like a pro.  Once the rest of the audience saw the caliber of our dancing, they had no desire to join us and risk comparison.  Consequently the stage belonged to SSQQ.  We had become the show. 

Being up on stage suited us just fine.  Space to dance, great music and the smiling faces of an audience mesmerized by our accomplished dancing.  In addition to Swing, we Slow Danced.  Every one of us felt like a star.  We waved to our friends in the audience and savored our moment in the spotlight.  In fact, we were having so much fun up on stage that many people in the audience thought our group was part of the ship's dance team.  Thinking we were hired to entertain them, their warm applause made us feel like performers.  Next stop Broadway!

Marla arrived ten minutes late.  I waved to her from the stage, then went down into the seating area to ask Marla to dance when the song ended.  To my relief, she accepted.  Her bemused smile was polite, but non-committal.  I had no idea what was going on in her mind, but this was not the time.  After the song ended, I had more work to do.  So I walked her back off the stage, then danced each subsequent song with a different lady.

I made sure to save the last dance for Marla.  The band chose Stars Get in Your Eyes, a great slow dance ballad from another era.  I was so happy.  Not only did the song remind me of the stars from last night, the chance to hold Marla again was very important. 

Although Marla and I had still not talked today, the moment I had her in my arms, I was no longer worried about losing her to Chris.  This was the same Marla as last night.  Her smile said it all and the warmth of her touch underscored the message.  She settled into my arms with a contented purr.  My favorite moment came when she rested her head on my shoulders.  Reassured that Marla had feelings for me after all, I melted.  I could no longer continue the charade from the morning.  No more distance.  Let people stare.  I was in love.

Pulling Marla closer, she did not mind a bit.  I guess I wasn't fooling anyone.  Sure enough, our dance on stage did not go unheeded.  We received several pointed stares as we left the stage.  As I suspected, I was hardly the only man who had his eye on Marla.  Our intimate slow dance had undoubtedly dashed the hopes of several men.  Maybe some women too.

When a lady named Natalie asked me for the next dance, I politely pointed out that had been the last song.  Seeing me briefly distracted, a man named Jack touched Marla's hand and pulled her aside.  When she returned, I asked Marla what that was all about.

She replied, "Jack wanted to know if the two of us are dating.  I think he likes me.  I smiled and gave him a non-committal answer.  That said, anyone who saw us up there has to know."

I nodded.  I thought the same thing.  I had given Marla an entire day to make up her mind.  Her decision to dance close to me was all the reassurance I needed.  It was time to resume the Fairy Tale and live happily after.  

The curtain came down and show was over.  I was about to walk Marla to the Dining Room when someone put on a tape of Disco music just as we were leaving.  Aha, one last opportunity to show off!  By chance, Jill, one of my instructors, was close by.  Better known as 'The Thrill', Jill had come by her intriguing nickname thanks to her good looks and flashy style of dancing. 

Jill had come with her companion Rich, so I asked permission.  He replied, "Sure, Rick, I don't mind."  Since Jill's boyfriend was kind enough to let me borrow her for a dance, on impulse I invited Jill back up to the stage.   Marla had never seen me dance like I meant it before.  We were the only ones up there.  Although I rarely show off, my slow dance with Marla had infused me with confidence.  Trying to impress my new girlfriend, I danced to the top of my ability.  I wanted Marla to be proud of me, so I turned up the energy. 

As for Jill, ordinarily she was demure and down to earth.  However, whenever she danced the Whip, Jill turned into a much different woman.  Dressed in a provocative short red dress, Jill was a sight to behold.  People stopped leaving the theater and turned to watch.  Well aware of her power to entice, Jill made sure every man in the room was panting for her.  We got a big hand when the song was over.  However, Marla was nowhere to be seen.  That bothered me.  I thought it was odd that Marla hadn't waited.  Oh well.  So much for impressing her.  I thanked Jill and went looking for Marla.

Marla wasn't hard to find.  The Dining Room had not opened yet, so I found Marla standing amidst a large group of tired but happy SSQQ dancers.  The Dining Room was late that night, but no one seemed to care.  Enthused by their big night up on the stage, the group spent the delay talking up a storm.  Marla and I mingled with the people nearby for at least ten minutes. 

After our special slow dance together, Marla seemed a bit quiet.  However, as long as she was beside me, I gave it no thought.  I was on Cloud Nine and full of optimism.  As we stood among the milling crowd, a young couple approached.  Back at the studio, I had given Doug and Jamie three private lessons to prepare for their upcoming wedding dance.  Seeing me standing there, Doug and Jamie thought this would be a good time to ask a couple questions.  It was crowded and very noisy in the waiting area, so the only way I could hear them was to move several steps away and turn my back to the crowd.  Doug and Jamie were very worried about their wedding dance, so I spent the next five minutes reassuring them.  When I turned back to find Marla, she was gone.    

SUBCHAPTER 995 - REJECTION

August 2001, Day Two, Sunday, 8:15 pm Dinner

When I saw the crowd begin to move, I was shocked to find Marla was no longer at my side.  Looking for her in panic, Marla was fifteen feet away and moving rapidly towards the dining room.  Nor did she glance to see if I was coming.  I was very confused.  Marla was moving so fast it would be tough to catch her.  Why didn't she let me know the doors had just opened?  I had assumed standing at her side was all that was necessary to share dinner with her.  Apparently Marla thought otherwise.  

I didn't want to believe it, but her speed made this separation appear intentional.  It looked as if Marla didn't want me to catch up.  I began to sprint, but there were too many people in my way.  When I entered our dining area, Marla was already seated at a table with her roommate Sherry on one side and a handsome young man named Darren on the other.  Marla avoided eye contact as I passed by.  Instead she turned and asked Sherry a question.  All seats were taken at her table, so I had no choice but to sit elsewhere.  I was crushed.  Why had Marla ditched me like that?  I found this situation extremely baffling. 

I took a seat ten feet away where I could watch Marla out of the corner of my eye.  It seemed to me that Marla was having way too good a time.  Her laughter never ceased.  Once I saw lean towards him as she laughed. I froze as she nearly touched him.  In six months of watching Marla like a hawk at the studio, I had never once seen her flirt.  Not with me, not with anyone.  Tonight, however, there was no doubt Darren was the chosen one.  Marla had turned on the charm to full wattage.  She was good at it too.  Too good.  I felt chills go down my spine. 

Now another painful thought hit, the Arab Proverb about God moving two mountains to enact my Fate.  The proverb had a depressing corollary.  It stated that God had the power to snatch one's fondest dream from between two lips.  As far as I was concerned, that was exactly what had just happened.  Marla had been snatched from between my lips.  

The cruelty of the moment was unbearable.  I could not be brave anymore.  I was not remotely strong enough to face this kind of disappointment, so now the dam broke.  An entire lifetime of bitterness, loneliness, and disappointment hit at once.  Torrents of tears came running down my face.  There was a lot of grief and pent-up emotion in there.  Breaking down completely, it was pretty rough.  Fearful someone would hear me, I turned on my stomach and buried my face in my pillow.  Now I sobbed uncontrollably.  I hadn't cried like this since my parents announced their divorce.  I was just as lost tonight as I had been as a lonely nine year old fearing abandonment by his parents.

SUBCHAPTER 996 - THE DARK NIGHT OF THE SOUL

August 2001, Day Two, Sunday, 8:45-10 pm 

Even though I barely knew Marla, I felt like I had lost the love of my life.  My tears lasted an eternity.  Pain racked my body as I cried my guts out.  Five minutes?  Ten minutes?  Fifteen?  I had no idea, but it felt like forever.  Mercifully the tears finally ended.  My mood had changed, but not for the better.  Before the tears, I was hurt, helpless.  After the tears, now the anger hit big time.  I was livid.  How dare Marla treat me like that!?!  Feeling betrayed, I wanted revenge. 

Memories of evil women from my past were very much at the forefront during my crying spree.  After all I had been betrayed, I should have known better than to let down my guard like that.  Completely blind-sided by Marla's inexplicable desertion, I believed she had played me for a sucker.  In my weakened emotional state, I had let my heart care too much too soon and now I was paying a terrible price.  I was in so much pain that I doubled-over.  How could I have been so foolish? 

My hate for Marla was way out of control when suddenly my mind hit the Pause button.  Maybe I was overreacting.  Yes, it was true I did not trust women very much, but there was so much contradictory evidence I could very well have jumped to the wrong conclusion.  Before I flew off the handle, I needed to figure this out.  Marla's behavior made little sense.  Previously I thought Marla was enjoying her new man.  Now I wondered if perhaps she was using Darren to punish me.  No, that was ridiculous.  Why would she do that?  From my viewpoint, I had done nothing wrong.  Hmm.  Maybe I had missed something.

For a woman to drop the bomb like Marla, she has to be really angry.  If anyone deserved the bomb, it would be Chris, not me.  Had Marla displaced her anger on the wrong man?  Perhaps Marla's anger at Chris had caused her to over-react.  Well, maybe so, but I didn't appreciate being treated unfairly.  And with that thought, the anger returned.  Furious, I sat up on the edge of the bed seething with renewed rage.  No woman has the right to treat me like that!  Yes, it is a woman's right to reject me, but no woman has the right to disrespect me without a valid reason.  I could feel my ancient darkness wash over me.  Push me the wrong way and I can turn into an asshole just like anyone else.  Marla had played dirty.  Worse, she had played dirty for no good reason, so now I wanted to retaliate.  Two can play this game.  All I had do was whistle and Cooperative Connie would serve to counter Dashing Darren.  Fight fire with fire and give Malicious Marla a taste of her own medicine. 

Fortunately, the anger broke.  After ten minutes of pure hate, I began to cool off a little bit.  My anger was replaced by sadness.  What good would revenge do?  The last thing I wanted to do was make a fool of myself in front of people who respected me.  Furthermore, Connie did not deserve to be treated like a pawn in my nasty game.  Okay, Marla had played me.  Ha ha, the joke's on me.  However striking back had virtually no point to it. 

Suddenly aware that my eyes were burning with pain, I went to the bathroom to clean the salt out.  After wiping my face, I began to stare at myself as if the mirror had the answer.  Now that my long cry had cleared my mind a bit, Marla's behavior still didn't make any sense.  However, staring at the mirror seemed to help.  I suddenly became aware that a new line of thought was struggling to be heard. 

I had spent a long romantic evening with Marla the night before.  Whatever happened to that woman?  Last night had revealed just how lonely I was and how much I wanted to care for a woman again.  Had my heart chosen the wrong person?  Was I so determined to fall in love again that I had invested all this feeling in a woman who did not even remotely feel the same way? 

No!  The small voice in the back of my mind said there was no way that our time together on the deck had been a fake.  Genuine sparks had flashed between us.  Furthermore, there was no way that our romantic slow dance on the stage was a fake either.  Something was wrong, yes, but the small voice reassured me Marla's affection was real.  That possibility cheered me up a bit.  Maybe I should go find her and seek an explanation.

I changed out of my formal clothes and put on some jeans.  However, when I reached the door, I hesitated.  A flood of warning signals stopped me cold.  As a tidal wave of past distrust towards women came surging to the forefront, I was so shaken that I retreated to a chair lest I stumble.  Stunned by the degree of my insecurity, a serious debate broke out in my mind.  Bitter memories of two failed marriages and prior deceptions warned me to watch out.  Plagued by this renewal of distrust, I was still angry that Marla had deliberately slapped me around.  Fool me once, shame on her, fool me twice, shame on me.    Why should I take another chance on her?  Don't let her trick me twice!  In an instant, the small voice of hope was drowned out.

I barely knew this woman.  Was Marla an evil woman, a wacko woman or the classy woman I knew from the studio?  I had no idea what her true character was.  Facing a mystery, I shook my head in consternation.  I could think of examples to support each position.  There are people close to me who say I think too much.  No doubt they are correct.  It is not by accident I play computer chess every spare chance I get. Whenever I face a problem, I rely on my ability to reason.  But tonight my brain wasn't effective.  Perhaps because I was so upset, no clear direction emerged.  Faced with contradictions, my brain simply could not figure Marla out.  I usually prefer not to rely on my instincts too much, but what choice did I have?  What did my gut have to say?

Now the small voice got a second chance.  The small voice replied that deep down I truly believed that Marla liked me.  In fact, I think she liked me a lot.  She was willing to take a chance on me if I let her.  But something had gone haywire.  I took a deep breath and asked my gut a question... "What went wrong?"

My gut replied it did not know, but added, "Only a monster would behave the way you think Marla is acting, but Marla is not a monster." 

How much could I trust my gut?  My gut had a good track record.  For example, I had trusted my instincts about Marla's relationship being on the rocks for the last six months and it turned out that I had been right.  So I asked my gut to explain Marla's weird behavior. 

"Marla is definitely mixed up, but she is not a monster.  If you ask Marla in person, whatever is wrong can still be corrected."

I had studied Marla like a hawk for the past six months.  Marla had behaved like a decent person the entire time.  There was nothing phony about her.  Furthermore, throughout the intensity of our Stroke of Midnight encounter, Marla had been a lady in every sense of the word.  No, Marla was not a monster.  My gut was right, there must be something I had missed.  But what?

Struggling for answers, I asked myself how Darren fit into this story.  My mind replayed Marla's command performance at dinner.  Her flirtatious behavior was radically different from every other time I had ever seen her.  Uh oh.  Just thinking about her laughter made me angry all over again.  If Marla was trying to piss me off, she could not have done a better job.  Trying to calm down, I asked myself how Darren had become the blushing object of Marla's ardor.  I would be very surprised if Marla knew Darren before the trip.  Very unlikely. Marla took Swing lessons, Darren took Western lessons.  They never came to the studio on the same night.  So they must have met on the ship.  Racking my memory, I recalled Marla had complained that no one had asked her to dance at our Welcome Aboard cocktail party yesterday evening.  I knew this to be true.  Trust me, I would have noticed anyone who danced with Marla.  How about this morning?  Did Marla connect with Darren during this morning's dance class?  Hmm.  Why did Marla leave early?

Did Darren suggest they go have lunch together?  Or did Marla run into Darren in the dining room?  When Fate is involved, anything is possible.  Look at me.  What were the odds I would run into Marla in the Disco at Midnight last night?  Now I was hit by a wave of dark suspicion.  If I was to take Marla's gushing performance at dinner at face value, Marla was perhaps basking in the afterglow of a hot and heavy afternoon.  At that thought, I became jealous beyond jealous of Darren.  I winced as a deep stab of pain raced through my system. 

I took a long, deep breath.  Once my latest surge of pain subsided, a contradiction occurred.  Assuming they met today and assuming they got all hot and heavy as Marla's dinner behavior suggested, then why didn't Darren accompany Marla to the Captain's Reception earlier in the evening?  Marla had come alone.  Hmm.  Good point.  Marla was not a woman who could turn her feelings on and off like a faucet.  For me to accept Marla's Darren behavior at face value would mean our time together last night had been nothing but a lie.  Why would a decent person spend eight solid hours faking her affection?  Why would a decent woman snuggle in my arms up on the stage, then lean toward another man 20 minutes later?  

That led to a new thought.  What if Marla's flirtation had been some sort of act?  Earlier I had wondered if Marla was punishing me, but had dismissed the idea.  Now I seriously considered the possibility Marla was retaliating for a snub.  Was Marla using Darren to demonstrate she could have any man she wanted?  If so, I did not appreciate her demonstration one bit.  On the other hand, Marla had NEVER flaunted her looks before.  I had known her for six months.  Marla was not a tease.  That wasn't her style.  Tonight's behavior was totally out of character with the lady I thought she was.

The kind of women I am attracted to are too mature to play games like this unless they are provoked.  If so, what did I do to provoke this?  I shook my head in wonder.  This was the second time I asked this question, but there was still nothing I could think of.  Since I had done nothing to deserve being punished, that must mean Marla was trying to attract Darren.  At that thought, I threw up my hands in despair.  Oh, not this again!  I am running in circles!  Frustrated, I returned to the pre-dinner Slow Dance.  If Marla had developed an interest in Darren earlier in the day, then why would Marla spend her last moments before dinner dancing in my arms up on stage?  If I'm Darren, I am supremely pissed off watching Marla dance cheek to cheek with another guy.  Hmm.   Maybe Marla wanted to date both of us.  No, I did not believe that.  First of all, she still had Chris to worry about.  Besides, if she wanted to see us both, the last thing she would do would be to tip each man off. 

I shook my head in despair.   I had just received the most severe brush-off of my life and I did not have a clue.  In this world, anything is possible, but there are laws of probability.  Women don't typically turn their feelings on and off quite so easily.  For this to happen, Marla would have to be fickle in the extreme.  However, considering she had stayed with one man for six years, Marla hardly fit the description.  She was a respectable, dignified woman, not some hot to trot floozy.  Furthermore, last night Marla told me that she had never retaliated against Chris, at least not in the way most scorned women do.  If anything, Marla had struck me as loyal to a fault, at least where Chris was concerned.

My gut instinct suggested Marla had no idea who this Darren was.  Now that I thought about it, Darren had seemed a little red-faced at the extent of Marla's attention.  Or was this just wishful thinking on my part?  My confidence was pretty low and maybe I wasn't thinking straight, but I still could not understand how Darren had become so important so fast.  None of this was adding up. 

I returned to the possibility that Marla was putting on an act, but why would she go to such extremes?  More and more, I was starting to believe there was a missing fact, something that I was completely blind to.  If there was a missing fact, that would why my analysis lept coming up short.  So I asked my gut to speak up again.  My instinct repeated that last night was real and so was our Slow Dance at the Captain's Reception.  Emboldened, I rose from my chair.  For the second time, I told myself to go talk to her and try to clear this up. 

Nothing doing.  I got up and then I sat right back down.  Insecure, intensely fearful of rejection, I did not have the guts to approach Marla based on a hunch.  I shook my head in despair.  I was much too vulnerable to take a chance.  Some guys can take rejection and let it roll off their back.  Not me.  My feelings for Marla were much too strong.  If Marla brushed me off a second time, it would be a long, long time before I bounced back.  It had taken me five years to recover from Vanessa.  The way I felt right now, I might be facing a life sentence if Marla slapped me down again like she had at dinner.  I could not take another fifteen minutes of violent sobbing.

Staring at my tear-stained pillow, I ached all over as it was.  I was preparing to take a major leap of faith, but history was not on my side.  I had every reason to be scared.  I was 50 years old and I had never won a head to head competition for the hand of an attractive woman.  So far I had lost every single triangle.  Knowing this, my feet grew colder by the second.  I reviewed my thoughts one more time.  My instincts had been right about Chris.  However my instincts had not predicted tonight's rejection.  Given so much uncertainty, approaching Marla now would take more guts than I had ever risked in my life.  What should I do?

Unable to move from my seat, I kept thinking.  While my catastrophic fears about Darren were a possibility, they were a long shot.  Women like Marla do not go gaga over some unknown guy to this extent this fast.  Yes, Marla had gone partially gaga over me the night before, but if anything that made it less likely to happen again so soon with Darren.  The most likely explanation of all is that I did not have all the facts. 

But... if Marla wasn't chasing Darren, then the only other explanation that made any sense was that Marla was punishing me.  That was absurd.  I was convinced I had done nothing wrong, but then I had a flash.  Jill the Thrill! 

I remembered Marla had mysteriously disappeared while I danced with Jill on the stage.  Jill exuded sexuality when she danced.  Did Marla think we were we an item?   Jill and I had never dated, but Marla might have gotten that impression after watching us sizzle.  Maybe Marla had become suspicious of Jill and me.  Marla one night, Jill the next.  Maybe Marla was worried I was a womanizer and a cheat.  If so, that would freak her out.  The last thing Marla wanted to do was ditch Chris only to find out Rick was even worse. 

Finally I had a clue that might be a possibility.  Had Marla been jealous of Jill?  Did Marla think we were dating?  Had someone told her that Jill and I were dating?   I should have thought of Jill long ago.  Perhaps Marla had overreacted because she was scared.  Sometimes people who are in love do crazy things when they get afraid.  Maybe Marla was just as scared of getting hurt as I was.  I nodded.  No one ever said love was easy. 

This new line of thinking restored a much-needed dose of confidence to my veins.  Whatever Marla was thinking, I was certain she had come to the wrong conclusion.  At the very least, I deserved an explanation.  Let's go find out what the real story is.  I took one step towards the door, then stopped cold AGAIN.  For the third time, I froze in my tracks.  The last time I had seen Marla, she was practically in Darren's lap.  They were probably still together!  I saw no reason for optimism.  What would I do if Marla was still roaming around with Darren after dinner?  If Marla was hanging out with her new paramour, I would have no choice but to back off.  Fearful of running into Darren, I backed away from the door.  But then I lost my temper.  What the hell is wrong with me?  Sometimes a guy has to say what the f..k and take a chance!  Shaking my head in disgust at all my fearfulness, I flung open the door and walked out. 

And there she was...  Believe it or not, Marla was there in the hallway just ten feet away.  No Darren at her side, just Sherry.  I could not believe my good luck.  I nearly collapsed with relief.  Marla did not know I was there.  Having just left their cabin, the two girls were walking down the hallway with their backs turned.  This was quite a coincidence!  I had thought last night's coincidental meeting in the Disco was pretty amazing, but this was just as remarkable.  Talk about a good omen! 

I was about to move, but then another disturbing thought hit me.  What if the ladies are walking to Darren's cabin?  Now I got angry again.  Stop it, Rick!  The Universe has just placed Marla in front of my nose!!!  How much more help do I need?  Go and tackle the woman if necessary!

Due to my hesitation, Sherry and Marla were about fifty feet ahead.  Feeling sheepish, I began to chase them.  I ran most of the distance, then slowed down to regain the appearance of dignity.  I didn't want them to think I was sneaking up on them even though that was exactly what I was doing.  It was time to announce my presence. 

"Hey, ladies, where are you headed?"

Marla whirled around with a look of total shock on her face.  She was very surprised to see me and who could blame her?  Where the heck did I come from?  The hallway had been empty just seconds ago.  My heart skipped a beat.  Was Marla smiling or frowning?  I couldn't tell, but at least she had stopped to allow me to catch up. 

Well aware that Desperation isn't sexy, I decided there was no reason Marla needed to know I had cried my head off over her.  Nor did she need to know I had spent the past hour immersed in the toughest debate of my life on her behalf.  On the spot, I decided to pretend her Darren display had not bothered me one bit.  Good move. 

I said, "Hi Marla, what a nice coincidence to see you here.  Where are you headed?"

Marla smiled, "Sherry and I are going to see the show.  Would you like to join us?"

I nodded with relief.  Yes, indeed I would.  I took Marla's hand and we walked down the hall together.  Due to my courage despite so much uncertainty, I firmly believed I had passed a Karmic Test of Fire.  My despair was gone.  It had been replaced by a quiet confidence this was going to work out after all.