2004 Newsletters

REGULAR FEATURES:

COMPLAINT OF THE MONTH: SSQQ SHOULD WORK HARDER TO MAKE IT EASIER FOR OTHER STUDIOS TO SOLICIT ITS STUDENTS

Complaint
-----Original Message-----
From: Van N
Sent: Tuesday, January 13, 2004 6:06 PM
To: dance@ssqq.com
Subject:ssqq members

Is there a public forum or members contact list for SSQQ?

I took a belly dancing workshop and the dance at SSQQ last Saturday and met a girl named Shuna. We exchanged emails so that we could get together for dancing sometime. She emailed me to ask about lindy at Melody but I couldn't reply to her email address because it was repeatedly returned as failed delivery.

I think she has taken lessons at SSQQ. I was wondering if there is anyone at SSQQ who might have other contact info for her, or if there is an SSQQ discussion forum where I could try to find someone else who knows her?

Sorry this is somewhat of a random question but it is somewhat pertinent, as it brings to light the fact that it is really difficult for anyone not already part of SSQQ to find out about the dancing community and to get in touch with each other.

Thanks.
Van

Reply
From: Rick Archer
To: Van N
Subject: ssqq members
Date: Wed, 14 Jan 2004 11:27:14 -0600


I have long known that members of the HSDS Swing group regularly come to SSQQ to solicit our students to take lessons at HSDS, but I have never had someone actually write to ask for my student's email address to make it easier for them to do so.

The day may come when ssqq gets involved with discussion forums so it will be easier to contact all of our students to recruit them for HSDS class as you wish, but I apologize that we have not made it more convenient just yet.

(Editor's Note: It sure seems like a lot of people must think I am a moron. Just shoot me.)
………………..

COMPLAINT OF THE MONTH NUMBER

-----Original Message-----
From: M P-B
Sent: Friday, January 09, 2004 9:18 AM
To: dance@ssqq.com
Subject:Lessons for for Newlyweds

"Hi,

Bill and I took lessons for a session, had fun learning, and want to learn more. We had one very big problem with the lessons. I had to dance with every sweaty-handed body grabber who panted in my ear, reached for my rear, and tried to push my body to his, or vice versa. They are not all like that, but our class had multiple versions of this kind of guy. Very unpleasant.

How about a class for those who want to dance primarily with their sweethearts, or at least a policy that allows married or attached people to dance together if they choose?

We would sign up in a minute. Until then, we just can't bring ourselves to do it.

Not alone in Houston,

MB P-B"

Rick Archer's Reply:

"The obvious solution is to take private lessons. Private lessons would solve the problem for anyone who does not wish to switch partners.

We have a long-standing policy of switching partners in our group classes.

Holding a class strictly for people who prefer not switch partners would literally go directly against the spirit of our program which can be summed up as "Everyone dances with Everyone".

Even if your idea did not directly contradict our philosophy, we simply do not have enough rooms to honor such requests. Over the years various people have asked for Lesbian dance classes, Teen dance classes, Over 60 dance classes, Asian-only dance classes, No Switching Partners Classes, Parent-Children classes, Singles Only classes, and classes where women can sign up as a Boy (Lead) if they wish. I might add the chances that any of these Specialty group classes would become economically valuable to the studio are somewhere between slim and none.

Nevertheless I deeply sympathize with any woman who has been forced to dance with a man who is obnoxious. This can include bad breath, body odor, rough leads, poor footwork to the point of hurting a woman, poor manners, arrogant attitude, or worst of all a tendency to take advantage of the situation by inappropriately groping a woman's body. I do not respect any man guilty of any of these problems. He ought to be ashamed of himself.

That said, in my heart I do not believe these problems are anywhere near as rampant as you have suggested. If they were, I have little doubt I would hear more such complaints.

However now that the cat is out of the bag, perhaps other students would care to comment. I promise I will print your email with your initials only. Speak frankly.

Rick Archer"

COMPLAINT OF THE MONTH NUMBER THREE: SSQQ'S ACCOUNT ID SYSTEM IS STUPID

-----Original Message-----
Subject: Address Update

When registering for the latest salsa mambo class on Saturday, I neglected to inform you that my address has changed to:

123456 Anystreet
Houston, TX 77000
Thanks!

DJ


Susan Schroeder, SSQQ Registrar wrote back:

DJ,
Thank you for the address correction.
Your file has been updated.

However you have TWO account IDs.
Is the month and day of your birthday 0529 or 0530?

Both are in your records and the correct one is needed for your Account ID.

Susan Schroeder

-----Original Message
----- Subject: Address Update

Susan,

Thank you for updating my address.

As far as the birthday, SSQQ needs it for neither the billing of my credit card, nor for effective instruction in the classroom. That is, neither side of our transaction requires this information. Therefore, the most appropriate course is to delete my birthday(s) from the database entirely. If the intent was to send me a birthday card to show me how the business values me as a customer, realize that the quality instruction combined with excellent follow up on service requests (as you have done), shows me that I'm valued.

Thanks a bunch!!
DJ


Editor's Note: We introduced the Account ID program 14 months ago in November 2002. As you can gather by DJ's dripping sarcasm, DJ doesn't have much respect for SSQQ's need to keep accurate records.

Someday SSQQ will start issuing a free dance class in return for taking ten dance classes, a sort of "Frequent Dancer" program. We have mentioned this idea before, but have postponed doing it until we were sure our system of keeping our students records straight improved.

We chose people's birthdays for the simple reason that it was simple to remember. Unfortunately DJ has so much trouble remembering his birthday that he has given us several.

When we start handing out those free classes, it wouldn't surprise me in the least if DJ is one of the first people to complain that we didn't keep his records accurate and that he is entitled to all kinds of classes we have no record of.

Fortunately, DJ is pretty much in the minority. Other people actually like our On-Line Registration System and being able to check their Account History. Please read the following letter:

-----Original Message-----
From: B. S.
Sent: Friday, January 09, 2004 5:23 PM
To: Rick Archer
Subject: Account history

"Hey Rick,

I just wanted to tell you that I REALLY REALLY like having my class history online. That is such a cool feature!

I could never keep up with those slips of paper or remember to bring them to class. But, I just now registered for a Whip class and checked my history. And what do you know, I had taken this class exactly one year ago, so I got it for ½ price. Woohoo!

(I know this doesn't qualify for "Complaint of the Month" but thought you might like to hear it anyway) ;-) "

(Editor's Note: Maybe soon we can start handing out those Frequent Dancer Classes. I will need to check with David and Susan Schroeder to see how accurate our system is before promising someone I can't deliver. In the meantime just for the record, here is what we said back in November 2002 at the time that we created the Account ID program)

NOVEMBER 2002: WHAT IS AN ACCOUNT ID?

It is an ID made up of your first initial, full last name, and the month and date of your birthday. So if your name is Richard Brenner and you were born on September 4th, 1960, then your Account ID is RBrenner0904. We don't need the year.

We will create an ID for you. All we need is your birthday. Once we create your Account ID you can use it for all of your future online and walk-in registrations. For now just enter your E-mail address to continue with registration.

Next time you register, enter your Account ID and E-mail address to access your account.

If you forgot your Account ID just remember to enter your first initial, last name and month and day of your birthday. You can always use your E-mail address to access your account.

NOVEMBER 2002: WHY SSQQ NEEDS ACCOUNT IDS

We must find a better way keep our records organized.

After two recent identity-confusion snafus, we did a data-base audit. We discovered we had multiple accounts for nearly 33% of our repeat-business students due to misspellings, changed email addresses, and the use of formal names one month and nicknames the next (e.g. 'William' and 'Bill').

Not surprisingly, we have begun to have problems. One problem is identifying which account to use. For example, by accessing an incorrect account we had one 'Smith' whose credit card paid for another 'Smith'. We caught the mistake and corrected it, but with better Account IDs we would have avoided the mistake entirely. Then there was a certain Ms. Brown with more personalities than Sybil. One day her credit card was rejected because we used an older account. This was when we found out all 4 Browns were the same person - Cathy, Kathy, Katherine, and Katy. She had two different credit card numbers and three different email addresses. I'm sure it was only a matter of time before 'Catherine' joined the group.

The time has definitely come to bring more order to the records. Account IDs should solve the problem.


NOVEMBER 2002: WHY SSQQ STUDENTS BENEFIT FROM ACCOUNT IDS - COURSE HISTORY

It is common practice for organizations to reward their customers for repeat business. Here at SSQQ, the original thought was to build everyone's history for a year, then play games like 'Take 5 Ghost Towns, get one free' and similar promotions for Zoot Suit Riot, Martian Whip, and Advanced Salsa. Since our business is very healthy, we thought it might be a nice gesture.

If we kept these kind of records by hand, it would be an administrative nightmare. We generated 8,000 accounts in 2002 alone. However the use of a computerized Registration system means one simple look at the computer screen will allow the Registrar to issue a much-deserved free class.

Furthermore we hoped to resume our use of the 'Repeat' feature for On-Line Registration in January, 2003. Using a student's class History, the computer would be able to determine whether he or she had previously taken the course. If there was a match, the student would be allowed to register On-Line for the same class at half-price.

Unfortunately as it stands many of our students currently have their 'Histories' spread out over 2, 3, and even 4 different accounts. And finding these different accounts is not easy. Putting Humpty-Dumpty back together for 1,000 multiple different accounts is for all practical purposes impossible.

Once we begin to establish unique Account IDs, we grow closer to the moment when we can utilize the Registration system in many sophisticated different ways to benefit our customers and reduce our headaches at the same time.


NOVEMBER 2002: UNIQUE RECORDS

We originally hoped to have one unique record for every student with a simple means of identifying that record. If we did we could:

1. Have a central place for a student to maintain his or hers information; like e-mail address, partner information, credit card information, etc.

2. Build a history of classes for student to allow us to:

3. Offer the aforementioned Ghost Town/etc repeat-business specials.

4. Offer the half-price discount to students repeating classes who wish to register On-line.

Easier said than done.

We ran into all sorts of problems trying to create these unique student records.

We tried using a student's e-mail address to create a unique record for each student, but quickly found out this did not work. To our surprise, many SSQQ students do not have an e-mail address.

And email addresses change constantly.

And some students with multiple e-mail addresses have managed to create multiple student records with one from work and one from home and one from their new job and so on.

Next we tried using a student's name, but quickly found out how unreliable that was. For example, Arthur Smith can register as Art Smith, A Smith, Arthur Smith, and Arthur Smith Jr which creates a new student record each time (this example actually occurred).

So we began to brainstorm. Phone numbers are like e-mail addresses, they change too. Assigning a student an ID number that is hard to remember would end in disaster. Using even a part of a student's SSN would invade his privacy.

Finally we decided that every student has a first name, last name, and a birth date he or she can remember, so why not make an Account ID out of that.

So the Account ID of Arthur Smith born on December 9th becomes ASmith1209. Then when Arthur Smith comes in and says he is Artie Smith, we simply ask for his Account ID and quickly find his student record. Plus now he or she gets a Free Practice Night any night on the week of their birthday as long as he is willing to hear the SSQQ Happy Birthday Cha Cha song. Nothing is free…

Once the man with multiple names, multiple credit cards, and multiple e-mail addresses has a unique student account, then we can maintain his information and build an accurate class history.
……………………..

SSQQ EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH FOR JANUARY: MAUREEN BRUNETTI

This award goes to an SSQQ Staff member who does something beyond the call of duty. In any given month, there are always at least 100 quiet acts of simple kindness performed by someone who works at SSQQ for which the person gets no credit, but our organization benefits from the gratitude. The problem for me is that these many moments usually occur way under my radar.

On the other hand, sometimes the move is dramatic enough to really catch my eye so I can say something about it.

Maureen Brunetti wins this month because despite the fact that I have flip-flopped her name on the schedule a half-dozen times in the past six months, she was willing to forgive my insensitivity and hang in there when lesser people might have just gone ahead and quit. For her patience, I am extremely grateful.

The entire problem began last summer 2003 when I decided it was time to expand the ssqq Ballroom program. When Charlene Tees recently joined the SSQQ Staff back in January 2003 she expressed interest in teaching Ballroom if the opportunity came along. She said she had been taking private Ballroom lessons for some time, so not surprisingly she was the first person I thought of when it came time to look for a new teacher.

What I had forgotten was a year earlier in summer of 2002, Maureen had also said she would like to teach Ballroom sometime in the future and had the email to prove it. It had completely slipped my mind. Maureen said she understood why I had forgotten, but hoped I would keep her in mind for the next opening.

Soon after Charlene discovered that she did not enjoy teaching Slow Dancing. Waltz yes, Cha Cha yes, Foxtrot yes, Slow Dancing no. Charlene asked politely if I would find a different Slow Dance instructor. Marty and Adele Raber agreed to step in on an interim basis, but asked that I develop another instructor for the future.

So I turned to Maureen who agreed to stop teaching Swing for two months last fall in order to audit the Slow Dance course with the understanding that she would teach it further down the road.

In January, I added a third Ballroom course to Mondays. Maureen would have been the logical third Ballroom teacher, but the third course turned out to be Tango. Maureen has little to no experience with Tango, so I penciled in an experienced teacher instead. But in the process I forgot to add Maureen's name to a Swing class. Now Maureen was completely off the schedule on Mondays through no fault of her own.

Once I realized my mistake, I reminded her that the course she had been training for - Slow Dance and Romance - was scheduled for Mondays in March. As soon as the two-month Tango class ended, Maureen was scheduled to be teaching again on a regular basis as the third Ballroom instructor.

Then something went wrong. On Monday, January 12, we had the smallest crowd in five years stay for Swing Practice Night. There were only about six people who stayed. Then I went over to the Ballroom Practice Night room. One couple.

The only room with any energy was Room 6 dancing to Whip music with about 15 people. Although I was glad at least one room was doing well, Whip has its own night on Thursday and to some extent on Friday. Monday is Swing Night and Ballroom Night!!

I sat down to analyze what reasons could have caused a popular event like Monday Night Swing Practice to dwindle so quickly. This is when I realized the problem had been caused by my own selfishness.

When we decided to add the third Ballroom class in January, one regular Monday class had to GO to make room for the new Tango class. I decided to move Zoot Suit Riot to Sunday afternoon.

One consequence was that the best Swing dancers were no longer taking class on Mondays nights. In other words, the people most likely to stay for Monday Night Swing Practice weren't at the studio any more on Monday. The class that provided the leadership was gone.

No matter how much I had tried to hang on to my Monday Night Whip class, it became obvious to me that Whip should have been the class to go, not Zoot Suit.

Although it broke my heart, this is when I decided to move up my Whip class to Fridays in February to create a room for Zoot Suit on Mondays in February. But now I had another problem. What was I going to teach?

Yes, you guessed it. Ballroom. I would become the third Ballroom instructor.

This decision meant that Maureen was the odd man out AGAIN. I sent Maureen an email explaining the same details I listed above. I wondered how she would react to my newest change of direction.

Maureen took it like a pro. Here is what she said:

"Dear Rick,

Thank you for such a complete and totally understandable explanation. I am not at all angry with you or anyone else. Tons of people came up and asked my why I was not working on Mondays and I as I was not sure myself, I just told them "I go by the schedule..."
I have missed my Mondays but can do the math and figure out that there are so many rooms for so many classes and figured you would make the changes that you feel you need. There is absolutely no problem. Will it still be box fox, box waltz and slow dance?
We've been friends a long time and I want that to continue for a long time to come. Thanks again.
Maureen"
……………..

BEST NEW JOKES OF THE MONTH

Joke One: The HMO Manager
Contributed by Patty Jones
Two doctors and an HMO manager died and lined up at the pearly gates for
admission to heaven. St. Peter asked them to identify themselves.

One doctor stepped forward and said, "I was a pediatric orthopedic
surgeon
and helped correct deformities in children."

St. Peter said, "You may enter."

The second doctor said, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped people to
rehabilitate themselves."

St. Peter also invited him in.

The third applicant stepped forward and said, "I was an HMO manager. I
helped people to get cost-effective health care."

St. Peter said, "You can come in, too."

As the HMO manager walked by, St. Peter added, "You can only stay three
days. After that, you can go to hell."

Joke Two: Taking Time Off From Work
Contributed by Chris Holmes

"I think I'll take some time off from work." said the man.

"How do you think you'll do that?" said the blonde.

He proceeded to show her...by climbing up to the rafters, and hanging upside down.

The boss walked in and saw the worker hanging from the ceiling. Astonished, he asked him what on earth he was doing.

"I'm a light bulb," answered the guy.

"I think you need some time off," said the boss.

So, the man jumped down and walked out of the factory.

The blonde began walking out too.

The boss asked her where did she think she was going?

The blonde answered, "Home. I can't work in the dark".
…………………

THE WINNERS OF THE JANUARY SSQQ LOGIC PUZZLE: SSQQ GOSSIP

The January puzzle listed above was extremely difficult. We had 11 winners for the December logic puzzle, but only 5 winners this month.

The logic puzzle dealt with 15 SSQQ Dance instructors who were all married to each other, taught different courses, and had one thing in common - a big mouth! None of the instructors could keep a secret.

With that many variables, as you might guess, this was a mean, nasty, tricky puzzle. One of our current champions, Mara Rivas, the Puzzle Queen, told me she put in over 12 hours. And she added that her friend Marliesy-poo, a frequent winner last winner, simply gave up. You've got to hand it to Mara - she will fight till she gets it. She made one wrong conclusion and simply could not break out of her incorrect mindset. I know exactly her dilemma because I have done the same thing. Finally one night she complained about her struggle, but after talking with me decided to try ONE more time. This time she got it.

2004 January

1. Jeff and Connie Woodman (Seven months in a row!)
2. Darius Johnson (First time winner!)
3. Susan Arevalo (Sixth month in a row!)
4. Mara Rivas (Seven months in a row!)
5. Ann Faget (Seven months in a row!)

Co-Champions Jeff and Connie Woodman were the first winners. No complaints, no whining, no expressions of difficulty, they simply submitted their answers and wished me a Happy New Year and went on their way with no fuss and fanfare. I have to assume they are just naturally good at Logic Puzzles, but we might need to separate them out. It's tough going up against tag team logic puzzlers!!

SSQQ Salsa Instructor Darius Johnson aced the logic puzzle on his first try. Darius is a Rice graduate student in computer engineering. Like the Woodmans, his reply gave no hint of stress or difficulty. My guess is a Rice grad student is likely to have enough mental foot candles to handle anything I am smart enough to throw at them.

Susan Arevalo won for the sixth month in a row. She is awesome.

In a surprising development, we now have a third leader in our Logic Puzzle race. Ann Faget first solved the puzzle in July just like Mara and the Woodmans, then apparently took the next month of August off while Mara and the Woodmans continued. Ann then won in September, October, November, December, and now January.

Recently Ann emailed me to protest that she had solved the August puzzle too. Since I rarely throw any emails away, I did a search and sure enough, I discovered why Ann had not been given credit. It turns out she had sent in the answer a couple days AFTER I had written the Newsletter announcing who the August winners were. I had never bothered to add her to list after the fact. Now I realize that technically we could say Ann missed the deadline, but on the other hand she did the work, she got the answer right, and had a good excuse for missing the deadline. Plus she is cute. Therefore I have decided to count her as an August winner and put her up in a three-way tie with Mara and the Woodmans.

But from now on, once the winners are announced, no more retroactive winners! Not even if you are cute.

This month's logic puzzle is tricky, but nowhere near as hard as January. I hope many ssqq newsletter readers will join the SSQQ Logic Club and try this month's puzzle!
……………………

THE FEBRUARY SSQQ LOGIC PUZZLE: THE SSQQ SUMMER CRUISE TRIPS!
http://ssqq.com/archive/logicpuzzle15.htm

As you probably know, SSQQ takes a lot of cruises.

Last summer six different SSQQ dance instructors went on a cruise to six different places including Alaska, Hawaii, Jamaica, New Orleans, Cozumel, and Cancun. Each person took a different relative with him or her.

Rachel, Sharon, Rick, Linda, Ben, and Daryl were the lucky instructors to visit these exotic locations. Now can you figure out which instructor went where, what their new last names are, and which relative they took??

On your mark, get set, GO!
http://ssqq.com/archive/logicpuzzle15.htm
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NO STANDING IN LINE - SIGN UP ON-LINE (SSQQ ONLINE REGISTRATION)
https://www153.ssldomain.com/ssqq/register/
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SSQQ SLOW DANCE AND ROMANCE: ANNE MARCHETTI AND DENNIS PECHAL ANNOUNCE THEIR ENGAGEMENT!

Dennis Pechal and I want to send another note of thanks to you for organizing a fun and romantic cruise on Carnival's Jubilee July 2003. As you recall there were eleven people onboard from Chapelwood Methodist Church including the two of us.

We've known each other for two years but we connected on the cruise and we've been inseparable ever since. In early December, Dennis proposed and we are looking forward to our wedding in the late Spring. Thank you again for providing the catalyst for our connection. Attached are our favorite photographs. We look forward to taking additional classes from SSQQ.

(Editor's Note: Anne Marchetti has gone out of her way several different times to organize enormous groups of people from the Chapelwood Singles Ministry to take classes at the studio. She also went out of her way to recruit people for last year's SSQQ Summer Cruise that she mentioned above. What she didn't mention is that Dennis was one of the last people on board and that he was there largely because of her gentle persuasion. Finally, a good deed that gets rewarded!

These are two very neat people. I am happy for both! RA)

SSQQ SLOW DANCE AND ROMANCE: CHERYL CORMIER AND GARY DAVIS ANNOUNCE THEIR ENGAGEMENT!

(Editor's Note: Cheryl Cormier was on the same cruise as Anne Marchetti and Dennis Pechal last summer, but Gary Davis alas wasn't with us. Instead he showed up at the studio for the first time last fall. I have known for some time that Cheryl and Gary had something cooking, but it still came as a wonderful surprise when Cheryl announced they had gotten engaged over the Christmas Holidays. Best wishes to both! RA)
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ABOUT THE SSQQ EMAIL NEWSLETTER

The email you have received is a condensed version of the monthly SSQQ Newsletter. You have received the 'tip of the iceberg'. The majority of the SSQQ Newsletter is on the SSQQ Web Site (or will be soon). To email the entire Newsletter would mean getting the equivalent of a 20 page newspaper in your In-Box.

At your leisure we hope you will read the extended version of the Newsletter at:
http://www.ssqq.com/ssqq/newsletter.htm
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THE FEBRUARY JOKE PICTURE OF THE MONTH -
WHERE WOULD YOU RATHER VISIT - PARIS, TEXAS OR PARIS, FRANCE??
Contributed by Leroy Ginzel

Leroy sent in two revealing pictures that illustrate quite clearly the differences between the two cities of Paris. Decide for yourself which Paris you wish to visit!

http://www.ssqq.com/ssqq/jokepicture.htm
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THE SSQQ JANUARY CLEAN SIDE JOKE PAGE IS READY!
http://www.ssqq.com/ssqq/jokes.htm
Over the years, SSQQ has been fortunate to receive many jokes sent to us by our Newsletter readers. We have compiled them into our Monthly Joke Page. At the end of the year, I will add the jokes that appear in our "Best New Jokes" column into this monthly "Hall of Fame" section. This way your jokes will become immortal!!

This year only Leroy Ginzel had a joke added to the February list. He sent in "Paying Better Attention" at this time a year ago.

February Clean Side Selections

February CS 01: Deaf and Definitely Dumb - Joseph Stuteville
February CS 02: The Speed Trap - Gary Richardson
February CS 03: Twins - Richard Weisberg
February CS 04: The Island - Doug Bates
February CS 05: Preparing to Re-enter Society - Gary Richardson
February CS 06: The Sausage - Donna Ruth
February CS 07: You Know You are in Arkansas When… - Pat Roberts
February CS 08: The Clone Drone - Sylvia Key
February CS 09: Story of the Burning Roof - M. Moore, D. Awad
February CS 10: The Pick-Up - Chris Holmes
February CS 11: The Phone Company Interview - Pat Roberts
February CS 12: Three Aggies in the Bar - Susan Schroeder
February CS 13: Airport Runway Snafu - S. Tucker, R. Wagner
February CS 14: Pearly Gates - Andre Faust
February CS 15: Dinner Out - Sylvia Tucker
February CS 16: The Construction Workers - Sylvia Tucker
February CS 17: Paying Better Attention - Leroy Ginzel
February CS 18: A Man's Secret To A Good Marriage - Patty Jones
February CS 19: A&M Math Class for Blondes - Kathleen Parker
February CS 20: Fred and the Preacher - Mike Guillory
February CS 21: The Devil and the New Englander - Jill Banta


Since Houston is hosting the Super Bowl this year, I thought it would be fun to publish one of my favorite Super Bowl jokes.

February CS 21: The Devil and the New Englander - Jill Banta

As the story goes, a New Englander dies and is sent to hell. He had been a horrible man throughout life and even the devil wanted to punish him, so he puts him to work breaking up rocks with a sledgehammer. To make it worse he cranks up the temperature and the humidity. "Love my kingdom!" laughs the devil.

After a couple of days the devil checks in on his victim to see if he is suffering adequately. The devil is aghast as he looks at the New Englander happily swinging his hammer and whistling a happy tune. The devil walks up to him and says, "I don't understand this. I've turned the heat way up, it's humid, you're crushing rocks; why are you so happy?"

The New Englander, smiling big, looks at the devil and replies, "This is great! It reminds me of August in New England. Hot, humid, a good place to work. It reminds me of home. This is fantastic!"

The devil, extremely perplexed, walks away to ponder the New Englander's remarks. So he decides to drop the temperature, send down driving rain and torrential wind. Soon, hell is a wet, muddy mess. Walking in mud up to his knees with dust blowing into his eyes, the New Englander is happily slogging through the mud pushing a wheelbarrow full of crushed rocks.

Again, the devil asks how he can be happy in such conditions. The New Englander replies, "This is great! Just like April in New England. It reminds me of working out in the fields with spring planting!" The devil is now completely baffled.

Angry, and desperate to make hell really hell, he tries one last ditch effort. He makes the temperature plummet. Suddenly hell is blanketed in snow and ice. Confident that this will surely make the New Englander unhappy. The devil checks in on the New Englander.

He is aghast at what he sees. There before him this insane New Englander is shivering and turning blue while simultaneously dancing, singing, and twirling his sledgehammer as he cavorts in glee.

"How can you be so happy? Don't you know it's 40 below zero!?" screams the Devil.
Jumping up and down the New Englander throws a snowball at the devil and yells, "Hell's frozen over!! This means the Patriots have won the Super Bowl!!!

(For non-sports fans, in 2002, the New England Patriots won the Super Bowl for the very first time in 40 years. Considering how lucky they were to even make the playoffs, at the time this was considered a miracle result. Now two years later we realize it probably wasn't a fluke after since they are back again for this year's 2004 Superbowl.)
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THE SSQQ VOCABULARY WORD OF THE MONTH: CRUCIVERBALIST
Submitted by Lesa Myers

CRUCIVERBALIST (noun) - A crossword designer or enthusiast.

"In a suburban town in Connecticut, Cora Felton has some small measure of notoriety as the Puzzle Lady, reputed constructor of syndicated crosswords. The much married and generally alcoholic Cora, though, is a front for her niece Sherry, the real cruciverbalist."

(Editor's Note: I am a big Crossword Puzzle fan, so you know I really appreciated this one! Thank you, Lesa. By the way, if you have a good vocabulary word, send it in!! Be sure to add a sentence! dance@ssqq.com )
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THE VENUS MARS OBSERVATION FOR FEBRUARY
Contributed by Patty Jones

Finally.... the "Explanation."
1. The nice men are ugly.
2. The handsome men are not nice.
3. The handsome and nice men are gay.
4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.
6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think women are only after their money.
7. The handsome men without money are after a woman's money.
8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and but at least heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.
9. The men who think a woman is beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have some money, are often shy.
10. But women never find out they are shy because the men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are too damned afraid to MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!
11.The men who never make the first move automatically lose interest in women when they take the initiative.

NOW ....WHO IN THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN?
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THE SSQQ PUN OF THE MONTH: Insanity in Action
Contributed by Ann Faget


It was visitor's day at the Asylum For The Mentally Special. All the inmates were standing in the courtyard and singing "Ave Maria." They were singing it beautifully. Oddly, each of them was holding a red apple in one hand and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil.

A visitor listened in wonder to the performance, and then approached the conductor. "I'm a retired Choir Director," he said. "This is one of the best choirs I have ever heard."

"Yes, I am very proud of them," said the conductor.

"You should take them on tour," said the visitor. "What are they called?"

"Surely that's obvious," replied the conductor ...

"They're the Moron Tapanapple Choir."
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THE SSQQ FEBRUARY BLUE SIDE JOKES ARE READY!

(Editor's Note: The Blue Side Jokes are one of the great secrets of the SSQQ web site. Anyone who is on the SSQQ Registration List is welcome to have access. This means if you get the Newsletter, you are invited to visit the dirty jokes page.
All you need to do to get the address is to email me from the email address you use to register for classes and request it. dance@ssqq.com
February BS 01: Aggie Sex Change - Richard Weisberg
February BS 02: Bullets - Kathleen Parker
February BS 03: Blue Yoga - Lynn Bevis
February BS 04: Monica Revisited - Richard Weisberg
February BS 05: Statues in the Park - Mike Guillory
February BS 06: Oxymoron - The Sensitive Man - Gary Richardson
February BS 07: The Ranch Hand - Lynn Bevis
February BS 08: The Bus - Richard Weisberg
February BS 09: The Beverly Clintons - Judy Walsh
February BS 10: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly - Pat Roberts
February BS 11: The Golf Injury - Lynn Bevis and Pat Roberts
February BS 12: The Gas Grill - Leo Skiba
February BS 13: A Texas Wedding - Richard Weisberg
February BS 14: The Fishing Trip - Gary Richardson
February BS 15: Bondage and Discipline - Gary Richardson
February BS 16: Viagra - Tom Easley
February BS 17: Little Red Riding Hood - Pat Roberts

Although the Blue Side is off-limits to the outer world and only SSQQ Students are invited into the inner sanctum of "Dirty Jokes", each month we manage to find one that is printable. This next joke is one of my very favorites. Enjoy!

February BS 14: The Fishing Trip
Submitted by Gary Richardson

One man's hobby was fishing; he spent all his weekends near the river or lake, usually paying no attention to weather. One Sunday, very early in the morning, he went to the river as usual. However he didn't feel very good. It was bitterly cold and raining. After he got out of his car, he stood there shivering for several minutes. He shook his head and muttered something to himself about getting old, but to even his own surprise, he decided to pack it in and return back to his house.

He came in, went to his bedroom, undressed, and lay near his wife. The sun was just now coming up. "What terrible weather today it is today, honey," he said to her.

She yawned and stretched without bothering to open her eyes. "Yes, but can you believe my idiot husband still went fishing!"
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SPECIAL ARTICLES

SPEAKING OF THE SUPER BOWL - THE ULTIMATE GATE CRASHER
Rick Reilly is an award-winning columnist for Sports Illustrated. I find his stories absolutely fascinating. I hope you enjoy this story from 2002 as much as I did.

THE ULTIMATE GATE CRASHER
By Rick Reilly
Sports Illustrated


Coming the Big Easy, 72 year old Dion Rich had sneaked, weaseled, conned, bluffed, tricked and bamboozled his way into 32 straight Super Bowls, the record for a man refusing to touch his wallet.

Wait. Not just into the games, but often onto the fields and into the locker rooms. That's Rich on the winner's podium with Vince Lombardi and Pete Rozelle after the first Super Bowl. That's him helping to carry Cowboys coach Tom Landry off the field after XII. That's him whispering sweet nothings into coach Joe Gibbs' ear as the Redskins run off after winning XVII.

Wait, wait. It's not only Super Bowls. Rich has gone ticketless into World Series games, title fights, America's Cup races, Kentucky Derbies, and 14 Olympics. Basically, he's Red Smith without the deadlines. He's also crashed eight Academy Awards, as proved by pictures like the one of him with his arm around Gwyneth Paltrow after she won her Oscar. He even has a snap of himself at the Playboy Mansion, in Hugh Hefner's bathrobe.

It's not that Rich is poor. He's made boatloads in real estate and other things. "But why pay when you don't have to?" he asks.

Then came our recent Super Bowl XXXVI, hard on the heels of 9/11. The NFL spend $7 million on a mammoth security effort manned by the Secret Service, the FBI, FEMA, the National Guard, US Marshals and dozens of state and local law-enforcement agencies. The week looked bleak for the Sneak Streak.

It got worse. Everywhere Rich looked, there were Jeeps, Humvees and even tanks. There were more wands around him than at a fairy godmother convention. Security was triple anything he had seen before. A 10-foot-high chain-link barbed-wire fence was put up around the perimeter of the Louisiana Superdome.

Mission Impossible? Definitely.

Dion cased the Superdome and declared it tighter than Joan River's eyelids. How cold any of his tricks work? The wheelchair? Claiming to be a ref? Pretending to be with the team, the band, the stadium crew? The Coke-bottle bifocals? The bag of press credentials? "IF every Super Bowl was like this," he sighed in a media center he wasn't supposed to be in last Thursday, "I'd retire."

Not only that, but he was sure he was being followed. The NFL admits it has tailed him. "Oh, yeah, I've heard of him," Milt Ahlerich, the league's vice president of security, grumbled when asked. The NFL once told Rich if it ever caught him on the field again, he'd be finding out if he could sneak out of jail. He agreed to stay off the fields - but he never said anything about stadiums.

A streak is a streak, wartime or peace, and the Gate Crasher knew what lay before him: he must scale the insurmountable citadel. The day of the big game arrived. Wearing a blue blazer and a tie, an Albert Einstein haircut and glasses on the end of his pointy nose, Dion Rich set off to penetrate the most impenetrable sports fortress in US history.

So who won and who lost? The fortress lost. Rich was inside in six minutes. I know this for a fact because I followed him the whole way. It was pure art.

He doddered, darted, acted addled and hurried, slunk through tiny spaces and sped through unguarded ones. He never stopped walking and never started hearing. He nudged his way through the masses at the first security checkpoint and ticket check, waited until a young guard (he always looks for the youngest) had her head buried in a bag, sidestepped past her and through the one-foot gap between the metal detector and a fence. Then he buttonhooked a distracted wand man, did a pirouette around a bored National Guardsman that would've made Fred Astaire weep and then beat it up a ramp. He was never security-screened. Thank God he's on our side.

Now he had to get by the ticket rippers. He found a bank of unmanned doors locked from the inside, waited until a supervisor came barreling out of one, lithely slid his loafer into the gap before it closed and stepped through it as casually as if he were entering his own kitchen. "When am I going to learn never to bet against myself?" he said, grinning.

Make it 33 in a row.

Memo to NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue: $7 million wasn't enough. Memo to Salt Lake Olympic Committee: He'll be there this week watching on the house.

I didn't hear from Dion again until midnight. He called from inside the Rams' postgame party, gobbling free gumbo and sipping the delicious merlot wine courtesy of the National Football League.

(Editor's Note: I am certain that Dion would never get past an SSQQ Hall Monitor!!)
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A SPECIAL NOTE FROM RICK ARCHER ABOUT EMAIL, THE SSQQ NEWSLETTER, AND SPAM.

I now receive an average of 150 spam emails a day. Because I run a business where people email me at random from all over the world on a variety of subjects, I am reluctant to install filters.

The problem with this kind of volume is the potential I can accidentally delete valuable emails from ssqq students, especially when I don't recognize the name. To minimize this possibility, please be sure to put a title with some thought behind it in the "Subject" box when you are trying to contact us.

As for the SSQQ Email Newsletter, more and more people report that it is being blocked at their jobs as "Spam". This leaves me no choice but to make the Email I send out as innocuous as possible.

For that matter you may stop receiving the SSQQ Email Newsletter at any time for reasons that are out of my hands. A month ago, I had over 600 Newsletter Emails sent to students with Yahoo accounts bounced back to me. I contacted Yahoo and was given no explanation why the emails bounced. It is tough to correct a problem when you don't even know what is causing it.

In the future, I suggest you automatically go to the Newsletter on the SSQQ Web Site a couple days before classes start and read the latest news whether you get an email reminder or not.
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THE HALL OF FAME SSQQ COMPLAINT OF THE MONTH - DECEMBER 2001:
HALL MONITOR REFUSES TO ADMIT STUDENT TO CLASS

This month I am reprinting the most famous complaint of all time. Since the story is now two years old, I will identify the parties. The complainant was a gentleman named Dula. The Hall Monitor was Bryan Spivey. The reason this complaint is so famous is that it was the deciding factor that led to my decision to implement the SSQQ On-Line Registration system.

There are three letters to read: the complaint, a letter from a witness to the event, and my own response.

Thu 12/06/2001 1:02 AM
Dear Rick:
I would like to share with you the humiliation I went through at SSQQ. It was about 8:30 PM in class when I was rudely disturbed while attending a class by a person claiming to be an employee of SSQQ.
Most of all, I have no idea what provoked him to pick on me from all the people in the classroom. During the second half, while I was making a name tag, we struck a conversation and he started asking me if I am registered for this class or not, apparently he did not see me before or whatever his rationale was. I thought he was joking asking such a question. Anyway, I told him I signed up for this class and two step and then left to join the class.
About ten minutes later, while I was in the middle of dance and in front of everybody this gentleman marches towards me and told me that my name is not on the roster and I had to leave. Although was holding the registration in one hand and he did not bother to look over. He stood next to me and said, "you are not on the roster and you need to leave." He implied that I am like a thief in the grocery store for coming without paying for it.
I don't know if you ever had been accused of cheating or kicked out of an institution or called a cheat or a thief in front of an audience in a restaurant, studio, grocery store or anywhere. It is humiliating to go through such a process in front of many of your colleagues. As a banker and a very conscientious person, I hold myself in a very high ethical standard. It was a nightmare and none of your clients should go through this. I had a problem sleeping wondering if I would ever run into the people again and wondering what would they think of me if they see my face again.
I am baffled, disturbed and hurt by this episode. You are the boss and so you should know what happened.
Dula

(Email Letter to Rick Archer from a student who witnessed the event.)
Wednesday, December 05, 2001 10:37 AM
I dropped in early last night for dance practice, and I was the unfortunate witness to a confrontation outside the studio with a disgruntled person.
Since I was early, I could not enter the studio and was within earshot of the event. There was an individual arguing vehemently with the Hall Monitor (I assumed the discussion was regarding his removal from the class). He was obnoxious and abrasive, and the Hall Monitor tried patiently to explain to him the policies regarding proof that he had signed up for the class. He kept demanding that the Hall Monitor accompany him to his car to show him the receipt. The Hall Monitor wisely told him he could not leave the studio, but he would await his return. This individual later returned, went in to the intermediate class and started a ruckus that the Hall Monitor had unfairly removed him. I considered this to be totally inappropriate behavior.
Personally I thought the Hall Monitor handled the situation with great composure and respect.
(name withheld)

Email Letter from Rick Archer to the Complainant
Mon 12/10/2001 3:12 PM
I have now reviewed carefully four documents: Your report, the Hall Monitor's report, an instructor's report, and that of a student who witnessed the incident.
I am sorry you were embarrassed.
However you need to see things from my studio's point of view. Our Hall Monitor program was established 18 months ago to reduce a huge number of people from wandering around the studio who were showing up and claiming they were a volunteer. The situation had become a real headache. Since this policy was established, things have become much more organized.
Now the Hall Monitor is paid to do a job - ask people for their receipt. You didn't have one.
Then he or she is supposed to look your name up on a roster. Your name did not appear on one of the rosters.
Furthermore, the Hall Monitor said you made the comment that you are being given free classes. Whether you were jesting or not, this made you seem even more suspicious.
Finally, you naively think someone who has never met you in his life should take your word for it that you paid when it is his job to do the exact thing he did - prevent you from participating without simple documentation.
I do not enjoy the report of this confrontation at all, but please help me understand why I should criticize the Hall Monitor when on the surface it appears he was simply trying to do his job.
Look, I am not happy that you were embarrassed. Our studio is about having fun, not pushing people around.
However we have to have rules. You did not produce a receipt as requested and your name wasn't on the roster. Whether his style was to your liking or not isn't the question - I am sorry the Hall Monitor rubbed you the wrong way, but the fact remains that this person did what he was hired to do.
Please forgive the incident and forget about it. You are a nice guy. You are always welcome here.
Rick Archer

(Editor's Note: As I review this story from a two-year perspective, I realize I did the right thing to implement the On-Line Registration system.
This incident was incredibly aggravating to me.
It is likely that Dula was as angry as he was for the simple reason that he was telling the truth. I fully believe he paid for a class and naturally he felt entitled to go to it.

But Dula could not prove he had paid for the class. He didn't have a receipt and his name was not on a roster. Unfortunately our class records at that time were rife with omissions. Dula probably hadn't bothered to sign in since it was a voluntary activity in those days which he probably ignored.
I knew at the time that if we had better records, this would not have happened. So I authorized David Schroeder to begin work on implementing the Registration system.
The initial cost was $10,000 for the Registration system. Including upgrades and eliminating bugs, I am sure I paid yet another $20,000 along the way. Nor was it always smooth - there was a transition period where the registration process became very slow, the lines were long, and the complaints were plentiful. But once we added "On-Line Registration" where people could register ahead of time, the lines were cut in half and most of the waiting problems cleared up.
One important byproduct was we now had computerized Rosters for each class. As I said at the time, "This will hopefully prevent incidents such as the one above from happening again."
Two years later I am pleased to say this prediction was accurate. As a result of David's system, we have never had another incident like the one we had with Dula.
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AND THAT'S A WRAP FOR THIS ISSUE (AND DON'T FORGET TO GO TO THE WEB SITE FOR THE COMPLETE NEWSLETTER!!)

As you can see, the SSQQ Newsletter is written to a large extent by its readers. Many people contribute jokes, pictures, and interesting items each month. Anyone is welcome to join the fun!

If you have any comments, suggestions, requests, complaints, jokes, pictures or poetry to share, please send it to me, Rick Archer, at dance@ssqq.com
And thanks for reading all the way to the bottom! …. I might add I do have reason to believe some of you simply scroll to the bottom to look for any little surprises I hide down here. ;-) Anyhow, thanks to all for making it this far!

Rick Archer
SSQQ Dance Studio
4803 Bissonnet
Email: dance@ssqq.com
Web: www.ssqq.com
Phone: 713-861-1906