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STORY ONE

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UPDATES ON THE SSQQ 4TH OF JULY CRUISE TO COZUMEL AND CANCUN:

IT'S TIME TO GET OFF THE FENCE AND GET THE PARTY STARTED!

STORY FOUR

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STORY FIVE

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STORY SIX 

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STORY EIGHT

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STORY NINE

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STORY TEN

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STORY ELEVEN

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COMPLAINT OF THE MONTH - THIS MONTH RICK DOES THE COMPLAINING!!

BEST NEW JOKES OF THE MONTH

Over the years, we have been sent countless numbers of jokes by our Newsletter Readers.  We have kept what we thought were the best.  At this point we have now have a Hall of Fame collection of over 600 jokes.  Many of them are real gems. We rotate these jokes on a monthly basis so over the year you get to read them all.

In addition to our "Classics", we also get many new jokes each month sent in by our students.  This section contains our favorites.  At the end of each year we add these jokes to the "Immortal Collection".

By the way, getting a joke selected isn't very easy since we have been collecting jokes for so long. It's tough to find a new one.  So if you send in a great joke and nothing ever happens, trust us - it is already on the Web Site.  If you don't believe us, email and ask about your joke!!  I am serious. I will show you where the joke is.

We greatly appreciate any jokes you would like to submit. Send them to Rick Archer at dance@ssqq.com

JACK BENARD

This award goes to an SSQQ Staff member who does something beyond the call of duty.  In any given month, there are always at least 100 quiet acts of simple kindness performed by someone who works at SSQQ for which the person gets no credit, but our organization benefits from the gratitude.  The problem for me is that these many moments usually occur way under my radar. So if you have an instructor to nominate, please let me know and why!!   dance@ssqq.com

On the other hand, sometimes the move is dramatic enough to catch my eye so I can say something about it.

Friday, March 26, was Jack Benard's final night as an instructor here at SSQQ. After his final Martian Whip class we had a going-away Whip party for Jack that was well attended by over 70 of his friends and students.

I spent most of the party sitting on the couch in Room 2 sipping my wine. One person after another stopped to chat and ask why I wasn't dancing. I would give them my usual "I'll be dancing in a couple minutes, blah blah blah" answer, but inside I didn't even want to move. I was much too depressed to dance.

Gary D'Antoni came by and said, "Rick, you are not a happy person. It's my job to read people and I can tell something is bothering you." I smiled and said he was correct.

Several people in a row came by to ask permission to take an extra wall down just to make enough space for all the dancers. I snapped at a couple of them until finally I crawled off the couch and began to take down the extra wall that separates Rooms 4 and 5, biting a couple more heads off in the process. Rick was not a happy boy.

Gary D'Antoni was right. I was in a very bad mood. I hated the very thought that Jack was leaving. It made me sick in my stomach. I felt like I was losing my lucky charm. I couldn't help but think how ironic it was that at this same time one year earlier, no one would have dreamed of bothering to ask me to take the extra wall down. It wouldn't have been crowded enough to care.

The reason it was crowded tonight was Jack's magic. He was the reason this place was rocking.

One year ago in April 2003 I was in another bad mood. I was practically the only person who had stayed for Whip Practice Night that night. Although the overall registration for our Whip and West Coast Swing program had healthy numbers - 84 students were registered that month - practically none of them were staying for Practice Night. It had been that way for several weeks and it was getting worse. This fact depressed me a lot.

First of all, Whip and WCS may be a lot of fun to dance, but it takes a lot of practice to get good enough to hit the Pleasure Zone. Compare learning to Whip to rock climbing. It's hard work to get to the top, but once you get there the view is awesome. Whip and WCS require a certain level of mastery before they become fun to dance. If no one was practicing, I was positive they would drop the dance just short of the moment when the "Fun" would kick in.

Second, what's the point of learning to dance something as hard as Whip and West Coast if you don't use it? Isn't the whole point of learning to dance so that you can dance? Whip/WCS dancing is a lot of fun. Why just take the class and go home? To me, that's like buying skis, but never skiing. Same idea.

Something had to be done. My mind turned to Jack Benard as a possible answer to a huge problem. And when I say 'huge', maybe 'insurmountable' might be the next suitable synonym. It was a dark moment for me. Hiring Jack to teach would be a gamble, but I was running out of options. I carefully went over what I knew about this somewhat mysterious guy.

Jack Benard took Whip lessons from me back in the mid 90s along with former SSQQ instructor Beth Bowman. He was incredibly tall, ridiculously shy, and like many people at the studio suffered the handicap of being so bright that he couldn't move his feet without his brain being heavily involved. His tall body and overly analytical mind doomed him to be very mechanical in his early attempts to master the Whip. Another handicap he fought was his inability to hear the music very well. I remember how he used to constantly count in hopes of staying close to the beat.

Another problem was his height. With his 6' 7" frame, Jack's partners rarely came much higher than his chest, something he also felt self-conscious about at first. However Jack was fairly relentless. He practiced and practiced his dancing. What nature had robbed him of in terms of natural dance ability he made up for with a determination that spoke volumes about his character.

There was a reason Jack pursued his Whip with such a passion. Jack has told me several times that Dancing helped him conquer his acute shyness. It isn't that easy to get to know him. For example, even though we were acquaintances for 10 years, I never knew Jack on a personal basis. Jack is very insular. If you ask him a question, he actually thinks about his answer for a while, then responds when he is ready to, but not before. Small talk is not his strength.

My guess is this natural reserve extended to the fair sex as well. Always awkward around women, Jack said that dancing was his rescue. He developed so much self-confidence from dancing that he finally escaped a shell of shyness that had haunted him his entire life.

Jack joined the ssqq staff in the late mid 90s as a volunteer assistant. He would help me and others teach the Whip. Jack refused to be paid because he wanted to keep open his option to compete someday. Jack became Sharon Crawford's assistant in Martian Whip when she taught the class around the turn of the century.

When Sharon decided to cut back her teaching duties early in 2000, I admit I completely overlooked Jack as her replacement. Jack was not exactly a born self-promoter and I had no idea of his teaching talent at the time. Instead I brought in Michael Stephens and Beth Bowman to take Sharon's place. At the time, this couple had just won a city dance contest and had quite a reputation. Jack was nice enough to stick around for a while, but soon tired of his third-wheel status. It was also at this point that Jack decided to make a serious career change.

Jack had worked as a chemist for one of the local oil companies here in town, a job that paid well but one he wasn't very happy with. He never said anything, but I imagine office politics drove him crazy. Sometime in late 2000 Jack told me he had left his chemist job and decided to open his own business, a hypnosis clinic.

I immediately raised an eyebrow. This was a very big gamble, I thought to myself. My four-year stint as a social worker back in the 70s had taught me that helping people overcome their problems is a very difficult task. Furthermore hypnosis is a skill with a somewhat shady reputation. Jack said he would need to take time off from the staff to devote all his time to it. I said I understood. People have the right to pursue their dreams and I wished him well.

Jack drifted in and out of the studio for the next couple years. He loved to teach West Coast Swing crash courses on Saturday nights, so this is how he kept his irons in the fire. Then one day early in 2003 he asked permission to teach a Latin Hustle class here at the studio on Sundays. Now I raised another eyebrow!

As a background to this part of the story, the Latin Hustle was once the love of my life. It is a fluid partner dance that works beautifully to Disco music. Combining footwork similar to Swing and hip motion similar to Salsa, it is a very pretty dance. During my early days as a Disco Dance teacher in the late 70s, I taught different levels of Hustle classes practically every night of the week.

When Disco died an early death here in Houston due to the opening of "Urban Cowboy", I was beside myself with depression over the loss of my beloved Latin Hustle. But it was doomed! For example, during the early days of the new 'Urban Cowboy' era, whenever the DJ would periodically put on a Disco song I would try the Hustle again. It was not to be.

I vividly remember getting run over by Western dancers whenever I tried to dance the Latin Hustle. One guy laughed after knocking me off balance and jeered, "Didn't anyone tell you Disco's Dead??" Ha Ha.

I can read the writing on the wall. Bowing to the hostility behind the "Disco Sucks" and the "I was Country before Country was Cool" slogans of the day, I put away my Hustle and began to master the Twostep and Western Swing for the next three years.

Once Western dancing had lost some of its challenge, I got interested in learning how to Whip in 1982. I discovered I loved Blues music far more than I had ever cared for Disco music. Even better, I loved the sexy, naughty, intricate moves of the Whip. My Latin Hustle days faded even further into memory.

Once in a while out of nostalgia I would offer another Latin Hustle class here at the studio, but I never saw much interest in it. People would ask for a class and I might get 10 people max. Ho hum. Nor was there any interest in Intermediate levels. I gave up even bothering to offer another class. So here was Jack Benard asking permission to teach a Hustle class! I scoffed. Be my guest. I expected him to fall flat on his face.

So it was with fascination when I noticed Jack Benard was teaching a class with nearly 30 people in it! How the heck did he do that? Don't forget, the Latin Hustle was in a highly dormant state. Some would even say the dance didn't even have a pulse.

I kept my eye on Jack. The next time I looked Jack had an Intermediate Latin Hustle class with 20 people in it! I was amazed. And Jack had an Advanced Latin Hustle class as well. I was amazed. It occurred to me I had seriously underestimated Jack's ability as a dance teacher.

Now as I sat alone on the couch that night in March 2003 staring at my empty Whip Practice Room, I figured if Jack could breathe life into an extinct dance, what could he accomplish with a living, breathing, kicking dance like Whip and West Coast?

I decided it was worth the risk!!

Jack started teaching an Intermediate Whip/WCS class with Michelle Wann as his partner in April 2003. I can still remember the Practice night after his first class. Jack and I danced with two women. After each song we would look at each other and say, "Change Partners". There were all of four people. The two ladies soon became exhausted and left. I think Jack wore them out!
I pointed to the empty room and told Jack this is what I had meant when I said the Practice Night energy had dropped to an all-time low. He smiled and said we were going to change that.

I swear I wanted hug the guy at that moment for his support. I was so grateful to have Jack's strength to lean on. I had been depressed about the state of things and now I had someone offering to help me fight. It was like having a buddy in the foxhole ready to take on the world. I was instantly recharged with the determination to turn this around.

Four weeks later, the Sleazy Bar Whip Party in April 2003 was one of our best in years. We started the dance with Whip back in Room 4, but the attendance was so large that we were forced to move the crowd into Room 1. It was fun to see a lot of good Whip dancing! I smiled a lot throughout the party. This was a good omen.

During the Sleazy Bar Party, I kept my eye on my foxhole partner. Every time I looked, there was Jack smiling while he danced with yet another woman who barely came up to his chest. At 6' 7", Jack was pretty easy to spot. It was never Jack and the Beanstalk - Jack was the Beanstalk!

Fortunately the women didn't care if Jack was a giant; he was gentle and fun to dance with. There was actually a line of women waiting to dance with Jack! In fact I laughed as one woman accused another of cutting in line ahead of her. I had never in my career seen something quite this silly happen before! Here were two grown women fighting over the next dance with Jack!

"I'm next!"
"No, I'm next!"
"No you're not! I am!"
"You cut; it's my turn!"
"You lost your spot when you danced with someone else!"
"Did not! It's still my turn!"
"You moved away. Too bad."
"Well, I'm back, so tough toenails!"

Although in some ways I envied Jack his popularity, truthfully I was glad it was him and not me. I never could figure out where Jack got that kind of patience and stamina for his Marathon Nights of Whip. The man would dance non-stop at Practice Night!! He took all comers whether they were experts or beginners. When he had danced with every woman in the room, he started over! I never had a conversation with him for the simple reason that he never sat down. Attendance at Whip Practice Night grew and grew. The women would stay to dance with Jack. The men would stay to dance with the women. It was awesome to watch.

One night I walked over to dance with a lady who earlier had asked me to save her a dance. Just as we walked on the floor, suddenly she bolted from me and ran over to Jack instead. She had noticed that by some miracle Jack had come free. Calling to me from across the floor, she explained that she could dance with me any time, but Jack might be tied up for the rest of the night!

Ordinarily I would have been insulted, but for some strange reason I actually understood. A dance with Jack was one Hot Ticket!

The past year was one of the finest years for the SSQQ Whip/West Coast Swing program in many years. Charlene Tees came along at the same time and proved to be a terrific addition to our team. Michelle Wann, Anita Williams, Bethany Daniels, and MG Anseman all contributed a great deal as well. I can't begin to say how proud I am of all six instructors. In addition we were fortunate to develop a large team of volunteers to help us teach. This group included Patty Harrison, Jorge Rodriguez, Joe Thayer, Cher Longoria, Rey Velasquez, Bruce Hanka, Judy Foster, Gary Schweinle, and BK Moring. More recently we have been fortunate to attract yet another level of volunteers such as George Sargent, Milt Oglesby, Phyllis Porter, and Kerry Pelham. The studio is so fortunate to have this kind of support.

Yet with all this help, you know exactly whom I credit most for stopping the downhill moment and turning it around. Jack was clearly the MVP.

To an outsider Jack would be a tall, ungainly guy who didn't say much or even dance at a championship level. But to his students, he radiated warmth and encouragement. Jack quickly became so popular on Thursday that I decided to ask him to teach on Friday too. Sure enough, attendance in the Friday class picked up immediately. I never audited one of Jack's classes, so I don't know what his teaching style was. To be honest the source of his charisma was a mystery to me, but it was unmistakably there. Whatever magic he used, it worked wonders! I teased him that he must be using some of his hypnosis tricks. Attendance grew and grew, both in the Whip classes and at Practice Night. Jack was pure magic.

Then one night in December 2003, Jack showed up at the studio with a long face. I asked what had happened. He said his hypnotism clinic had gone bankrupt. Uh oh. A sense of dread came over me. It had long been rumored that Jack wanted to return to his beloved California someday. This might be it, I thought to myself. Without a full-time job to hold him here, he might move back to California and start over.

Sure enough, in the middle of March 2004 Jack stopped me before class to tell me he had accepted a job as a hypnotist at a clinic in Beverly Hills, California. He looked very upset. I immediately told him it was okay, that we had a young man named Bryan Spivey who was ready for a promotion. I told Jack that he had done a magnificent job helping return our Whip program to health and how grateful I was for his immense contribution. Humble as always, Jack refused to take any credit for the turnaround. Then he added the only reason he was still in Houston was because he loved to teach at our studio so much. Otherwise he would have been gone long ago.

My heart pounded with sadness, believe me, but I decided it would be better not to show it. Like a kid heading off to college, you know your going to miss him, but since it's the next place for them to be there's no sense making him or her feel guilty about it. That's the way I felt about Jack.

There was something he needed to do in California, so I had to set him free. That still didn't make it easy for me. I have been in mourning for some time now. I felt just like a coach seeing a star high school basketball player head off to college. He (She) is not only a great talent, but a great kid too. You know your gonna miss 'em, but you have to do the right thing and let them go.

In the year that Jack worked his magic, our attendance grew by 50%. In March 2004, we had 123 registrations as opposed to 84 from March 2003. Sometimes the attendance in Jack's classes were so big, he had to use Room One just to fit them all in. Who did Jack think he is, Sharon Crawford?

Two days ago, I answered the studio phone. The man identified himself as "Robert". He wanted to know what night Jack was teaching Beginning Whip. He had Heard It through the Grapevine that Jack was a great dance teacher. I patiently explained that Jack had just left for California. I heard him softly cuss over the phone. He began to bitch and moan about his lousy luck. Finally he stopped for a second, then asked, "Who are you going to get to take his place?"

Before I could answer, Robert started to laugh. He said it just dawned on him who he was talking to and that I taught the same class that Jack did. He said he didn't mean to be so disrespectful! It was sort of like a guy dating two girls who sings the praises of one girl to the other, a definite dating No-No. For some reason, I did not feel insulted at all. After all, I was used to it by now.

Ironically each time for the past year whenever I would go to choose an "SSQQ Teacher of the Month", Jack was the first person who crossed my mind. This is the absolute truth. Like an idiot I have watched in awe for 52 straight weeks as Jack has worked his subtle magic without once getting around to acknowledging his contributions.

There are so many terrific instructors who work here that someone would do something or something unusual would come along each month that would be interesting to write about whereas Jack's work was constantly excellent, but never headline grabbing. It was getting to the point where I figured I was going to have to create a "Lifetime Achievement Award" for the guy.
Take Cary Grant. Although Grant was one of Hollywood's finest talents, he never won an Oscar. He was nominated several times, but because he was so amazingly consistent and effortless in his work, none of his roles really stood out. Each year another actor would get the nod instead of Cary Grant. Robert Redford is another excellent actor who suffered a similar fate. Jack got the short end of the "Teacher of the Month" stick in the same way.

I knew that any month I wanted to, I could choose Jack, but I NEVER chose him because he was my ace in the hole. Any time it was convenient would be Jack's turn. Finally it got ridiculous. Last month I decided I was tired of putting off a story about this talented man. I made a firm decision after last month's "Teacher of the Month" selection that no matter who did what, it was Jack's turn hell or high water. Two weeks later he resigned. Serves me right, huh!

At Jack's Going Away Party, I avoided him all night. I just could not bear to dance in the same room with him or say goodbye to him. Finally after sitting on the couch for well over an hour, I decided it was time. I went in, waited for a song to end, then shook his hand. He and I gave each other a big hug. I honestly think we were both on the edge of tears, but don't tell anyone. He and I seemed to think alike - let's make this short and sweet. With that I said goodbye and left, noting with some amusement a line of six women waiting for their next dance with Jack.

For any man out there feeling lost, lonely, and unappreciated, Jack Benard will always be an icon for the wonders that dancing can do for someone's social life. I hope there are a couple of you guys out there who take notice of Jack's transformation from Geek to Sleek and realize there's nothing stopping you from accomplishing the same thing. Women love to dance and they love the men who make it fun for them.

Despite the fact that I never knew Jack on a personal level, I always knew that Jack was my friend. Although there was always a definite air of mystery about him and there were things about him I didn't quite understand, my lasting memory is that Jack's presence always made me feel secure. Whenever he was around, I felt stronger.

As long as I live, I will remember it was Jack who picked me up when I had fallen. For this and all the other memories, I will miss Jack Benard greatly.
 

THE WINNERS OF LAST MONTH'S SSQQ LOGIC PUZZLE

THE NEW SSQQ LOGIC PUZZLE

THE SSQQ JOKE PICTURE OF THE MONTH
Joke Picture

THE MYSTERIOUS BEER COLLECTION.
Contributed by Judy Walsh

This month's picture is actually something of a puzzle. It features a collection of beer bottles and it's your job to figure out exactly what it is you are looking at. It took me several minutes, but then I don't drink beer. My hunch is that beer drinkers all think alike and should pick up on the riddle instantly.

http://www.ssqq.com/ssqq/jokepicture.htm

THE WORST SSQQ PUN OF THE MONTH
(There is no such thing as a good pun...)

THE SSQQ VOCABULARY WORD OF THE MONTH

SSQQ SLOW DANCE AND ROMANCE!!

VENUS AND MARS

THE SSQQ CLEAN SIDE JOKE PAGE
Clean Side Jokes

Over the years, SSQQ has been fortunate to receive many jokes sent to us by our Newsletter readers. We have compiled them into our Monthly Joke Page. At the end of the year, I will add the jokes that appear in our "Best New Jokes" column into this monthly "Hall of Fame" section. This way your jokes will become immortal!!

THE SSQQ BLUE SIDE JOKES!

The Blue Side Jokes are one of the great secrets of the SSQQ web site.  It is your reward for taking dance classes at SSQQ.  Anyone who is on the SSQQ Registration List is welcome to have access.

All you need to do to get the address is to email me from the email address you use to register for classes and request it. dance@ssqq.com  

Although the Blue Side is off-limits to the outer world and only SSQQ Students are invited into the inner sanctum of “Dirty Jokes”, each month we manage to find one that is printable. Please see below!!

April BS 22: It Could Get Worse - Chris Holmes
April BS 23: The Dangerous Looking Biker - Chris Holmes
April BS 24: The Mini Skirt - Gary Richardson

All you need to do to get the new address is to email me from the email address you use to register for classes and request it. dance@ssqq.com

April Blue Side Jokes

April BS 01: The Frog and the Well-Hung Man - Michael Brockmyre
April BS 02: Aging Gracefully - Michael Brockmyre and Robin Wagner
April BS 03: The Minister and his Congregation - Andre Faust
April BS 04: Venus and Mars Again - Cindy Sue Cortez
April BS 05: Bull Story - Gary Richardson
April BS 06: How Yodeling Was Invented - John Anderson
April BS 07: 10 Things Men Know About Women - Gail Sink
April BS 08: Bubba and His Friends - Kathleen Parker and Jill Banta
April BS 09: National Poetry Contest - Richard Weisberg
April BS 10: Sexual Disfunktion - Bett Sundermeyer
April BS 11: The Camping Trip - Bett Sundermeyer
April BS 12: The Chicken Studd -Tracy King
April BS 13: The Doctor's Exam - Judy Walsh
April BS 14: The Gorilla - Pat Roberts
April BS 15: The Anniversary Present - Kathleen Parker
April BS 16: Be Careful Who You Sleep With - Bett Sundermeyer
April BS 17: The Fireman - Carole Nelson
April BS 18: Cake or Bed - Jerald Anthony
April BS 19: The Marriage Competition - Crista Reuss
April BS 20: The Friendly Neighborhood - Pat Roberts
April BS 21: The Mask - Rick Archer
April BS 22: It Could Get Worse - Chris Holmes
April BS 23: The Dangerous Looking Biker - Chris Holmes
April BS 24: The Mini Skirt - Gary Richardson

Although the Blue Side is off-limits to the outer world and only SSQQ Students are invited into the inner sanctum of "Dirty Jokes", each month we manage to find one that is on the edge of printable. This next joke is one of my very favorites. Contributed by SSQQ Instructor Tracy King, it's a classic! Enjoy!

April BS 12: The Chicken Studd
Tracy King

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy; he'll service every chicken you got, no problem."

Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the rooster a pep talk, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to Service here, and you cost me a lot of money and, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with a chuckle.

Randy seemed to understand so the farmer points toward the hen house and Randy took off like a shot. ~WHAM~ He nails every hen in there THREE or FOUR times and the farmer is just shocked.

Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake, ~WHAM~ He gets all the geese. Randy's up in the pigpen, he's in with the cows. Jeez, Randy is jumping on every animal the farmer owns.

The farmer is distraught, Worried that his expensive rooster won't even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a doorknob, stone cold, in the middle of the yard. The farmer is sick in his stomach.

Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself."

Randy opens one eye, points toward the sky and says, "Shhh.....they're getting closer."
 

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